The pain of being left behind has lingered inside you for years, years, years.
So you thought the patrons berating me weren’t bad enough, nuff, nuff.
I had open wounds all over my body.
And you dumped a bucket of salt on them.
You knew perfectly well how hurt I was before that.
Yet you tie a leash on my neck and commanded me to listen
Like the dog I was when I barked back at you.
No matter what my decision was, I was going to lose to you.
My attachment to you was the perfect gun for you to fire
Because it was loaded with the tablets that nearly did you in.
On that fateful day, you survived and I thought that true love was out of my reach.
You would have had the last laugh, but several days later, the joke’s on you.
I’m someone else’s now so tough luck and good riddance to bad rubbish.
You say you’re free of me,
Yet your memories of me have locked you up
and thrown away the key.
I know that because you have loads of trouble letting go of the past.
You can vent ‘til the cows come home that I never
made time for you, you, you!
Everything has to be about me, me, me!
But that was only the surface you scratched.
That’s the furthest you ever went.
It says more about you than me.
Hell, a beefcake could clear his schedule for you better than I can.
But his chivalry might be aggressive mimicry.
If he breaks your heart, it ain’t my problem.
Now that I’m out of your reach, you can’t touch me.
I’m mingling with the losers like I’m dancing in a nightclub in Italy.
It was a wakeup call to screw your shade
Because one of them loves everything about me.
It’s not looking the other way. It’s enjoying the person I was born to be.
Every day I don’t look you up online
Nor read your old messages, my memories of you hurt less and less.
While I can visualize you a decade from now
Still being stroppy about the delusion that I never cared for you.
Who knows? You could call me a cunt and still claim part of you loves me.
And you’re sorry it had to be this way.
But… fuck no! Let’s be real. You’re not sorry. No aspect of you loves me.
You played the sarcasm card on me. So how about a taste of your own medicine for a change?
Good luck becoming a psychologist with the attitude of a wack job.
Good luck getting that degree while you throw a fit on every single assignment you get.
Good luck handing that very same garbage you threw at me to a couple getting a divorce.
I can’t wait to see a patient badmouth you on Reddit and turn you into a court jester.
Maybe I did learn a lesson from you after all;
Knowing when it is time to let go and never come back.
I wish I knew what I want to say
I wish I knew what to do
The truth is I've been at a loss
Since I lost you
It's the gap, the absence, the lack
The introspectively shaped hole
On the right side of the bed
That I realize tonight
The truth is
I can't move on
I don't even want to
Each moment that goes by
I'm starting to miss the days of my life
That I thought I was sad
I don't just love you, I need you
And I hate the fact that I want you
When you've moved on
I don't want to haunt you
But I miss your smile and your laugh
So for a moment
Please remember me again
Happily ever after doesn’t exist.
Not when people like you also exist.
I bought myself a new suit of armor so you don’t drive another knife in my back.
I told the vendor to hold the stallion because human legs were never for aesthetic purposes.
I wanted to walk the face of the Earth with you using my own.
We would’ve walked more than a thousand miles together to chase the sun and avoid the night.
And I never needed to worry about my tired legs.
They built up a tolerance from walking in the coastal sand and helping me keep up with dirty dishes.
I told you about my demons and how quickly I am to care when I’m shown an act of kindness.
Mother always lectured me that no matter how small they may be, they are never in vain.
But there is such a thing as being too kind. There is such a thing as temptation.
The best of us cave in once, twice, or maybe more than that when we write in our diaries.
You were like such a book to me and I trusted you, but never did I expect that you’d defile my soul
By persuading me to partake in activities that I would never in my right mind do.
I should have recalled the fable of a girl who trusted a poltergeist that haunted a similar diary.
Had I not flee the moment I saw your true character, I would have joined her in death.
Looking back, I understand that diaries are the keys to starting fires and turning innocents into fugitives.
You can try with all your might to pry my mouth open to get me to spill any more beans
But my lips are staying sealed because I know who you really are and I finally learned my lesson.
You never exposed me. You only leaked a chapter that was part of a book you never read.
So why bother showing it to you knowing that my real friends and family will be endangered as well?
I know that a deluded man gambled away so much ammo to the vipers that he became a trainwreck.
I swear on my recurring nightmares that any answers to your questions will be used against me.
Truth and justice is a concept invented by people and after all, people do make mistakes.
God bless the right to remain silent.
Because even the condemned understand that its value supersedes a vault of gold
That the draconian blackjack dealers steal from the poor that desire to play with them.
Where was Robin Hood when I needed him most?
Flash forward to a single year and I’m now twenty-five with an art degree in hand.
I’ve spent all that time studying my ass off and avoiding the vipers that plague my past.
I was with my true friends who never give a shit about your deceit when I realized I never needed you.
Preparing for financial exams under the tutelage of a bright mathematician was like you never existed.
So the next time you see me, I won’t grovel on the pavement begging you to take me back.
Instead, I’ll look the other way and French kiss my new admirer in front of you.
Just to let you know that I changed for the better and you missed out on the life we could’ve had.
I am fortunate to understand that your absence last summer turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
I dare you to call me an idiot again!
I dare you to call me a chicken!
I dare you to say that I’m going down
While you hide behind the blackjack dealers that love you for show!
There’s always someone out there willing to give you a taste of your own medicine anyway.
How did it feel when even Discordia didn’t want anything to do with you?
Was it salty and sour like your attitude and your deceit?
Cavities caused by the consumption of these candies are a pain for dentists to fill.
And just like that, you disappeared from the face of the Earth again. Hopefully, for good this time.
You can erase your identity from the world, but you cannot erase the marks your venom left behind.
You may still be on my mind from time to time, but I don’t see you in a virtuous light anymore.
You are nothing but a fable.
Falsehoods and lies
Truth in disguise
Whispers comprise
A doubt in my heart
Blinding my eyes
Sorrow and sighs
Darkness will rise
My world falls apart
I've never seen an angel bleed
Till I stood with knife in hand
I've never seen a devil cry
Till I looked once through it's eyes
You were my drug
Long before I acclimated
Long before withdrawal
I needed you to survive
I can feel your eyes on my back
Can't you hear me?
I'm silent on the outside
But screaming on the inside
I'm soul-lost
I can't find who I am anymore
Maybe I'll be fine
Perhaps I will survive
But I just don't know if
I can outlast your memory
If I lose myself in drugs and dreams
Or fly away to places and things
To fill the gap you left behind
Consuming body, soul, and mind
But there is no need
To conjure dreams
When life comes
In such radiant colors
They say Pandora is to blame
Her curiosity brought us pain
And fear of darkness in the night
But there was hope in candle-light
From the dark, a light will shine
Before the day, the night has gone
And now we know it burns so fine
That is why it's called, breaking dawn.
And maybe, just maybe
That which dies gives birth to something new
I have wasted
My time
My energy
My breath on you
I have gotten
Nothing
Emptiness
Loneliness from you
You have fooled me
Put a veil over my eyes
Tricked me
Into loving you
You have taken, everything
My heart
My body
My mind from me
Yet
I love you
I crave you
I yearn for you
Where is there reason,
When love is involved?
Where is reality,
When emotions run wild?
I would ask
But there is no answer
You leave me in silence
To stand on my own
I long to crumble
Fall into pieces
Cry to the heavens
Cry out to you
Never will you be
Mine own heart
Mine own soul
Or any part
Of mine own being
So… let me go
Set me free
Open your palms
And release me
Please...
I yearn for you,
But we're, sitting in silence and im just trying to catch a word of your thoughts,
Are you thinking about me?
Do you even still think about me?
Brutal heartbreak, how much can one heart take,
You sleep naked infront of me and my eyes search your body for the scars that I left,
I want to, be inside of you and heal you from within,
I want to,
I want to bend you over and,
I want to, but,
I am not your enemy,
I am not your friend,
I'm everything I couldn't be for you,
And everything that I'm not, within.
"It's been over a year.
I realize,
eyes playing about on dates
of the calender.
Suddenly thinking
back to a year before,
days exactly 364.
So, less than a year,
by hours. When the
lips that pressed were ours.
When our fingers intertwined,
when we felt each others' bodies,
souls, mind.
So wrong, so forbidden,
it felt right.
Written into passing,
the scripts and screenplay
of night-time stays,
never staying until morning.
Visits,
door left unlocked,
just in case.
Offered, often heard,
only once utilized.
She always said she would.
Eventually.
She did,
softly cooing my name,
pulling me out of my slumber,
and instantly hopping into my bed,
my arms, pulling her close.
My warm bare skin
juxtaposed to her cold clothing.
We soon matched.
There was no lack
of mutual attraction,
no shortage of constant communication,
trips, adventures,
ridiculous confessions
and straight-forward denial.
I denied I did wrong,
to myself.
Who knows how she felt.
All I know
is that she felt good,
she felt like home,
like I belonged.
Longing for her scent,
I still remember
how it drove me wild.
Past-tense,
as she liked to point out.
It's a lie,
there is nothing passed.
Though, once she asked
if she was hurting me.
I, misunderstanding,
replied, 'why, no,
it's my other shoulder
that's broken.'
She grinned,
leaning into my arms,
'no,' she said,
'this. Us.'
It hurt,
seeing her dog I grew to adore
slowly separate us on the couch
a year or so ago.
It hurts still
thinking of some details.
Fond memories,
so vivid, full of her laughter.
Haunted by scorn,
the scorn of several people,
over all that transpired.
You'd think a year
would wash it all away,
but nothing is past-tense.
Hence,
the dreams.
Thoughts I can't deny,
lying that they're gone.
They aren't.
I was told it was trouble,
I was warned.
But still I got in her car,
she got in mine.
She's a phone call away;
I don't have the heart
to dial,
knowing damn well
I'd immediately answer if she called.
Does she read my poetry?
Does she think of me?
Love me like I love her still?
I should have not turned my cheek.
I should have came to her rescue
against canine off-leash.
But I didn't.
And I wish I had.
Instead, all I have
is a book with edits,
another that's a gift
belonging to her,
one of her favorites.
We even shared a quote,
'Never lend a book.'
An act of affection instead,
one of several.
She never said the words,
but she gave me many gifts.
It started with a cold can.
That's how she loved me.
I wish I had realized it
a year or so ago."