Happy feelings and memories
Imbued with
It seems to continue forever
Road of Despair
In the shade of street trees
Gently standing curved mirror
As soon as I saw the reflection
A path to the past that seems to be endless
Vestiges of the time
Now I can't even guess
Foggy
Lost location
A faintly audible howl similar to your own
And arpeggios of silence
Eventually, at night they start walking
I don't even have a wand or a map
I was speechless
Walking with a premonition of an animal
Both the front and the back were blocked.
Climb up (or go down)
Looking to the future and the past
Nothing changes
With only one happy feeling
I just saw the memories associated with it
but girl
look at that darkness
look how you could lose yourself in it
how it could absolutely swallow you
look at how it travels
spreads your skin with ink
pulls you to the words
they once called lovely
look at how it speaks
dragging you under
spitting all the things
you are afraid of
and even more you haven’t thought to be
I’m running from the sun
or
the sun is chasing after me
I am still not sure which
someone once said
and it’s hard to write about being happy
as if that had to be
an afterthought
but still the start to a song
and now that it’s here
you have learned it so much harder
yes
you can write all you want
about the ways we fit together
but that doesn’t mean
there are still not other pieces
in both your dreams
yes
you can write all you want
about living
but that doesn’t mean
you don’t feel the pull
of the shrieking sobs that make you feel alive
yes
you can write all you want
about pasts and futures
but that doesn’t mean
there isn’t an in between
I’m running from the sun
or
the sun is chasing after me
I am still not sure which
and this is something I should not want
that tempts me anyway
this is another trip to the familiar
neural patterns that have cut into me
and even though they sting
I still know how to say all their names
this darkness is all the ways I illusion myself
cut myself into pretty pieces
hold me but can’t have me
I am still holding the residual wisps
I wrap myself in wondering
look at how it beckons
even as you wave a hand
across its face
remember
this black is just the same in summer
there are so many dawns ahead of us
but right now it is
the whole world showing itself to you
this is the universe’s normal
and how
am I supposed to argue with that
how
am I supposed to reach for connection
treading somewhere you can’t find me
in a life that defaults to lonely
the sun is chasing after me
or
let’s face it
I’m running from the sun
The pain of being left behind has lingered inside you for years, years, years.
So you thought the patrons berating me weren’t bad enough, nuff, nuff.
I had open wounds all over my body.
And you dumped a bucket of salt on them.
You knew perfectly well how hurt I was before that.
Yet you tie a leash on my neck and commanded me to listen
Like the dog I was when I barked back at you.
No matter what my decision was, I was going to lose to you.
My attachment to you was the perfect gun for you to fire
Because it was loaded with the tablets that nearly did you in.
On that fateful day, you survived and I thought that true love was out of my reach.
You would have had the last laugh, but several days later, the joke’s on you.
I’m someone else’s now so tough luck and good riddance to bad rubbish.
You say you’re free of me,
Yet your memories of me have locked you up
and thrown away the key.
I know that because you have loads of trouble letting go of the past.
You can vent ‘til the cows come home that I never
made time for you, you, you!
Everything has to be about me, me, me!
But that was only the surface you scratched.
That’s the furthest you ever went.
It says more about you than me.
Hell, a beefcake could clear his schedule for you better than I can.
But his chivalry might be aggressive mimicry.
If he breaks your heart, it ain’t my problem.
Now that I’m out of your reach, you can’t touch me.
I’m mingling with the losers like I’m dancing in a nightclub in Italy.
It was a wakeup call to screw your shade
Because one of them loves everything about me.
It’s not looking the other way. It’s enjoying the person I was born to be.
Every day I don’t look you up online
Nor read your old messages, my memories of you hurt less and less.
While I can visualize you a decade from now
Still being stroppy about the delusion that I never cared for you.
Who knows? You could call me a cunt and still claim part of you loves me.
And you’re sorry it had to be this way.
But… fuck no! Let’s be real. You’re not sorry. No aspect of you loves me.
You played the sarcasm card on me. So how about a taste of your own medicine for a change?
Good luck becoming a psychologist with the attitude of a wack job.
Good luck getting that degree while you throw a fit on every single assignment you get.
Good luck handing that very same garbage you threw at me to a couple getting a divorce.
I can’t wait to see a patient badmouth you on Reddit and turn you into a court jester.
Maybe I did learn a lesson from you after all;
Knowing when it is time to let go and never come back.
I’ve proven people wrong before.
You are hardly an exception.
You said I should be single for a long time.
Venting to my friends who were right about you was the real medicine.
And plenty of boys say I’m a catch before they get to know who I am.
You said I need to grow up.
But you’re unemployed and you bash a girl that was slandered by her best friend.
I love being told what a snotty person I am both at work and when I’m with you.
You said I’m self-absorbed and immature.
I saved an artist you cruelly envied on his birthday from a debt that was killing him slow.
It was the best 30 pounds I ever spent this week because it was out of selfless love.
You said you deserve so much better than me.
You tried to gaslight me into thinking that no living soul is good enough for me.
You took the easy way out instead of bearing with me a little longer.
You said I don’t understand how relationships work.
That’s all you’re right about because what one person doesn’t find sexy might attract another.
So neither do you.
You said a piece of you will always love me.
You were just kidding yourself when you said that.
Some therapist you’re turning out to be, dearest.
It felt hazy that I pondered for days or even weeks
On how I was going to repay you for your compassion and charity.
You don’t deserve to know what I had planned for you.
If you somehow worm your way back into my life,
I won’t be crying my eyes out like the time when a bastard was unfaithful to you.
Instead, I will stand my ground like a rock and kick you in the crotch.
You had one opportunity to take things slow so we could get along.
But you’re not getting a second chance because I don’t trust you.
Does this explain why you claim I don’t love you?
Fast-forward to last week to the part where I started anew with another dude.
He’s a scary one that could do more damage to you than me.
He loves me for everything you hate about me.
He’s the kind of boy whose easy to set aside time for
While I hit the books and explore the world because he’s along for the ride.
I couldn’t be more attracted to him every time he touches me to say, “You’re mine.”
It’s not because he desires to put me on a leash and lock me up.
It’s because he understands where I’m coming from and he too thinks “give and take” is crap.
Yet, he loves me like the Holy Grail because he tells me that I’m the best part of every day to him.
Relationships are like snowflakes.
No two function the same way because people are complex creatures with different standards.
Yours certainly were a mystery and to this day, I wondered how it all went wrong.
Our final days were a thin line between love and hate.
I already know which direction you went.
That’s one thing you and the monsters in my nightmares have in common.
Are you ready for it?
I shouldn’t have to ask you that question after all that you have done.
It would’ve been rude of me not to give you a heads-up like this.
Your reign of terror is steps closer to its endgame.
If I do not draw my sword and face the ghosts of my past, checkmate is guaranteed.
I did something bad long ago, but can you blame me?
I’m just a human being that made a mistake because I was not in the right mind.
Anguish and love do not mix because both made my life worse before.
If you respect that my situation is delicate, why do you keep poking the hornet nest?
If you crack it open and the wasps sting you so much their poison burns,
don’t be surprised if I say, “Look what you made me do.”
Your empathy is lacking so why should I care if you are put to rest the next day?
Princes don’t negotiate with paupers like me.
So it goes because fame and violence are always placed above justice and peace.
Isn’t it gorgeous to be the one in control? To run a country or a sect without a care in the world?
Doesn’t it feel amazing when your subjects obey you unconditionally as if you are an almighty god?
These questions reveal to me that aristocrats and celebrities use their authority
for insolence and seduction. No wonder we can’t have nice things.
You are not entitled to my throne even though a liar was the king of my heart before.
What was “yes” today could be “no” tomorrow so I keep fewer promises.
I’ve heard enough empty platitudes from your devotees to realize that an oath is not to be made lightly.
Anything else you want to preach about before I take the getaway car to escape additional agony?
Go ahead and dress your possessive wiles by telling me you love me
And shower me with material goods to let my guard down against my better judgment.
But when you try to use your tenderness as leverage, it is all the more reason for me to leave.
The longer I stay here, the more certain it is that my life is in danger.
My hands are tied keeping the darkness around me at bay for as long as I can.
Fortune is never on my side when I dance, but my sword will always be my partner.
Call it what you want, but the battlefield is my ballroom.
If dancing alone is the only way I can retain my individuality, so be it.
Happy Raʼs as-Sanah al-Hijrīyah, Vlad Dracula.
I’ll see you in Hell.
She lingered over her martini, an olive
floating gracefully in the gin,
vermouth and humor sitting dry on her tongue.
The summer evening slowly inched itself across the tablecloth
until the light from the candle at the center
hindered its crusade to bring on the dark.
I ran my hand over the flame, letting it lick the dent of my palm,
inching it further down until
the quick pain reminded me of that first pinprick of love
the night we met. Do you remember
the earthy smell of the apples slowly rotting under the leaves?
The world altering itself beneath our feet?
There was a sense of urgency back then, a need
for hastened fingertips and my lips to always be pressed to yours,
skin rubbed in raw emotion until it burned like kindling
in the night. Your eyes were golden
under the lanterns, your hands pale birds
swooping over your plate.
In that moment my skin burned for the ocean
of your curls across my hips,
the charm on your necklace to brush against my thigh,
the warmth of summer waves to pulse beneath my skin.
The skies have never been greyer.
I don’t heal from mental scars overnight.
Neither do you.
I overthink small problems and I wither when I make mistakes.
So do you.
It made me smile that we have our own inner demons.
It gave me the realization that I would not be alone.
When two broken hearts get together,
I often dream that they are matches made in heaven.
Because we understand where we’ve been
And why these circumstances made us the way we are.
But in every relationship, it is the furthest thing from paradise.
It won’t be the last time that we’d be walking on thin ice.
You are a sweetheart to me and I won’t forget the way you changed my life.
You’ve inspired me to meet icons whose wealth exceeds my wildest dreams.
You’ve helped me see that they’re human beings just like you and me.
You’ve given me pieces of you to keep me on my feet and explore uncharted territory in Wonderland.
You’ve compelled me to think that you wouldn’t ask for much as long as I said,
“I love you. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.” every night.
You constantly worry you lose me and that nothing in life goes right for you.
I keep trying to do my own thing while battling the sergeants that disagree with my decisions.
Don’t let our fickle position be added to my list of never-ending burdens.
Sometimes I stay the best of friends with people I was fond of before.
I’m never the “love them and leave them” type as long as I’m still on good terms with them
And remind myself that the past is in the past and no one is taking me anywhere.
Not that anyone could anyway as long as I make a living trying to tell nectarines and peaches apart.
Tonight when I talked about it with you, the way I opened up to you was like stepping in a land mine.
I don’t want to keep secrets from you so you wouldn’t fear I’d leave you to drown in a vale of tears.
But I’ll lock them up and throw away the key if I’m put on the spot like this.
Then I wouldn’t let you touch me the way you do now.
I’ve learned many hard lessons from falling in love and interpreting one’s intentions.
One taught me that it’s pointless to disguise odium as empathy.
One taught me that I can never choose what the love of my life gets offended by.
One taught me not to rely too heavily on my other half lest I lose my ability to solve problems.
One taught me not to sacrifice too much when making a commitment.
One taught me that there’s more to life than shotgun weddings and procreation.
One taught me to love who I am before I can give my light to others.
A lost boy who’s a year away from adulthood has given me his by sharing his own disappointments
Yet he still has the heart to resurrect the brotherly side that I had previously lost to a poisonous fable.
I know I want to love
And I want to be loved in return
But I am a free spirit and close friends mean the world to me.
I never see myself as a “give and take” kind of bloke
All because the little things in life are what matters more to me.
Who would want a lover like that?
I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but no matter what the future brings,
I’ll always love you and be indebted to your compassion.
I swear on the grave of my jewel and cousin, I wish you the best in life
Whether I spend mine with you or not.
The skies have never been greyer.
Im hoping the pain will heal in time,
How is it only now I can tell you,
I love you,
Please dont say a word,
I know youre in love,
I know its not with me,
The truth haunts my memories,
I know its too late,
The love we had was torn in two,
I have nothing left but tears,
Those are mine you cant take them away,
Like a comet passing by,
A shooting star in the sky,
The trail of dust left behind as it flies past,
Caught in the atmosphere of a planet,
It starts to heat up and burn,
Hotter and hotter it burns,
Plummeting towards the surface,
A giant crater left from impact,
It feels like a joke,
You never seemed like you cared at all,
You let me burn,
You encouraged the heat,
I fell in love with a fantasy,
A reality that never was to be,
Broken inside and out,
I wanted to take your pain away,
But now all I want is to be gone,
Youve gone away,
Left me here i n this crater,
Broken, burnt and alone,
The worst is over now I can breathe again,
I can think of you and not hurt any more,
Everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody screams,
Eventually everybody walks away,
You take the memories we had together,
I will take the tears from the years.
A thousand miles away
And once upon a time
I'd run the whole wide world
To put your hand in mine
I've waited for my whole life
And can wait a little more
For you to come along,
Someone I can adore
I've crossed the strangest countries
And weathered the wildest seas
Just to see your wondrous face
And fall upon my knees
I've ventured across the planet
It's tundras, deserts, and trees
But the greatest adventure of my life
Is: would you marry me?