Happiness

The Prince of Darkness Faces His Executioner

Are you ready for it?

I shouldn’t have to ask you that question after all that you have done.

It would’ve been rude of me not to give you a heads-up like this.

Your reign of terror is steps closer to its endgame.

If I do not draw my sword and face the ghosts of my past, checkmate is guaranteed.


I did something bad long ago, but can you blame me?

I’m just a human being that made a mistake because I was not in the right mind.

Anguish and love do not mix because both made my life worse before.

If you respect that my situation is delicate, why do you keep poking the hornet nest?

If you crack it open and the wasps sting you so much their poison burns,

don’t be surprised if I say, “Look what you made me do.”

Your empathy is lacking so why should I care if you are put to rest the next day?

Princes don’t negotiate with paupers like me.

So it goes because fame and violence are always placed above justice and peace.


Isn’t it gorgeous to be the one in control? To run a country or a sect without a care in the world?

Doesn’t it feel amazing when your subjects obey you unconditionally as if you are an almighty god?

These questions reveal to me that aristocrats and celebrities use their authority

for insolence and seduction. No wonder we can’t have nice things.

You are not entitled to my throne even though a liar was the king of my heart before.

What was “yes” today could be “no” tomorrow so I keep fewer promises.

I’ve heard enough empty platitudes from your devotees to realize that an oath is not to be made lightly.


Anything else you want to preach about before I take the getaway car to escape additional agony?

Go ahead and dress your possessive wiles by telling me you love me

And shower me with material goods to let my guard down against my better judgment.

But when you try to use your tenderness as leverage, it is all the more reason for me to leave.

The longer I stay here, the more certain it is that my life is in danger.

My hands are tied keeping the darkness around me at bay for as long as I can.

Fortune is never on my side when I dance, but my sword will always be my partner.

Call it what you want, but the battlefield is my ballroom.

If dancing alone is the only way I can retain my individuality, so be it.


Happy Raʼs as-Sanah al-Hijrīyah, Vlad Dracula.

I’ll see you in Hell.

Summer

She lingered over her martini, an olive

floating gracefully in the gin,

vermouth and humor sitting dry on her tongue.

The summer evening slowly inched itself across the tablecloth

until the light from the candle at the center

hindered its crusade to bring on the dark.

I ran my hand over the flame, letting it lick the dent of my palm,

inching it further down until

the quick pain reminded me of that first pinprick of love

the night we met. Do you remember

the earthy smell of the apples slowly rotting under the leaves?

The world altering itself beneath our feet?

There was a sense of urgency back then, a need

for hastened fingertips and my lips to always be pressed to yours, 

skin rubbed in raw emotion until it burned like kindling 

in the night. Your eyes were golden

under the lanterns, your hands pale birds

swooping over your plate.

In that moment my skin burned for the ocean

of your curls across my hips,

the charm on your necklace to brush against my thigh,

the warmth of summer waves to pulse beneath my skin. 

 

The Skies Have Never Been Greyer

The skies have never been greyer.

I don’t heal from mental scars overnight.

Neither do you.

I overthink small problems and I wither when I make mistakes.

So do you.

It made me smile that we have our own inner demons.

It gave me the realization that I would not be alone.

 

When two broken hearts get together,

I often dream that they are matches made in heaven.

Because we understand where we’ve been

And why these circumstances made us the way we are.

But in every relationship, it is the furthest thing from paradise.

It won’t be the last time that we’d be walking on thin ice.

 

You are a sweetheart to me and I won’t forget the way you changed my life.

You’ve inspired me to meet icons whose wealth exceeds my wildest dreams.

You’ve helped me see that they’re human beings just like you and me.

You’ve given me pieces of you to keep me on my feet and explore uncharted territory in Wonderland.

You’ve compelled me to think that you wouldn’t ask for much as long as I said,

“I love you. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.” every night.

You constantly worry you lose me and that nothing in life goes right for you.

I keep trying to do my own thing while battling the sergeants that disagree with my decisions.

Don’t let our fickle position be added to my list of never-ending burdens.

 

Sometimes I stay the best of friends with people I was fond of before.

I’m never the “love them and leave them” type as long as I’m still on good terms with them

And remind myself that the past is in the past and no one is taking me anywhere.

Not that anyone could anyway as long as I make a living trying to tell nectarines and peaches apart.

Tonight when I talked about it with you, the way I opened up to you was like stepping in a land mine.

I don’t want to keep secrets from you so you wouldn’t fear I’d leave you to drown in a vale of tears.

But I’ll lock them up and throw away the key if I’m put on the spot like this.

Then I wouldn’t let you touch me the way you do now.

 

I’ve learned many hard lessons from falling in love and interpreting one’s intentions.

One taught me that it’s pointless to disguise odium as empathy.

One taught me that I can never choose what the love of my life gets offended by.

One taught me not to rely too heavily on my other half lest I lose my ability to solve problems.

One taught me not to sacrifice too much when making a commitment.

One taught me that there’s more to life than shotgun weddings and procreation.

One taught me to love who I am before I can give my light to others.

A lost boy who’s a year away from adulthood has given me his by sharing his own disappointments

Yet he still has the heart to resurrect the brotherly side that I had previously lost to a poisonous fable.

 

I know I want to love

And I want to be loved in return

But I am a free spirit and close friends mean the world to me.

I never see myself as a “give and take” kind of bloke

All because the little things in life are what matters more to me.

Who would want a lover like that?

 

I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but no matter what the future brings,

I’ll always love you and be indebted to your compassion.

I swear on the grave of my jewel and cousin, I wish you the best in life

Whether I spend mine with you or not.

The skies have never been greyer.

Tears

Folder: 
Torn Love

Im hoping the pain will heal in time,

How is it only now I can tell you,

I love you,

Please dont say a word,

I know youre in love,

I know its not with me,

The truth haunts my memories,

I know its too late,

The love we had was torn in two,

I have nothing left but tears,

Those are mine you cant take them away,

Like a comet passing by,

A shooting star in the sky,

The trail of dust left behind as it flies past,

Caught in the atmosphere of a planet,

It starts to heat up and burn,

Hotter and hotter it burns,

Plummeting towards the surface,

A giant crater left from impact,

It feels like a joke,

You never seemed like you cared at all,

You let me burn,

You encouraged the heat,

I fell in love with a fantasy,

A reality that never was to be,

Broken inside and out,

I wanted to take your pain away,

But now all I want is to be gone,

Youve gone away,

Left me here i n this crater,

Broken, burnt and alone,

The worst is over now I can breathe again,

I can think of you and not hurt any more,

Everybody hurts sometimes,

Everybody screams,

Eventually everybody walks away,

You take the memories we had together,

I will take the tears froom the years.

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The Greatest Adventure

Folder: 
Love

A thousand miles away

And once upon a time

I'd run the whole wide world

To put your hand in mine

 

I've waited for my whole life

And can wait a little more

For you to come along,

Someone I can adore

 

I've crossed the strangest countries

And weathered the wildest seas

Just to see your wondrous face

And fall upon my knees

 

I've ventured across the planet

It's tundras, deserts, and trees

But the greatest adventure of my life

Is: would you marry me?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just something light and fun

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Dangerous Territory

I’ve been swimming in the deep end lately.

My head is spinning in circles.

My heart had never been so hollow on the inside.

I need to catch my breath before I do anything else stupid.

 

My work of art is an escape from uniformity.

I felt safe with you for the time being.

At the end of the week, you cuddled me

When the sergeant had an off day at work and took it out on me.

 

I let you in like I did when I meet new people.

You were happy for me when I told you I finally found love.

I wanted nothing more than a friend’s reassurance that everything will be okay.

But you in particular were a land mine waiting to explode.

 

It’s dangerous territory where you’re from as a queer.

It’s dangerous territory where I lurk on the web.

It’s dangerous territory to build a world without receiving adequate training.

It’s dangerous territory to make friends with volatile people like you.

 

I can barely read script in Delphi without misinterpreting some if not most of its passages.

My art isn’t like what you’d expect to see in other do-it-yourself or high-profile projects.

The way I write, the way I archive, and the way I distribute information is my strongest suit.

There is no way I can fulfill my goal in life alone without the help of a team that knows its stuff.

 

You didn’t have to sugarcoat your advice to fix my problems

But you didn’t have to pull more than my teeth either.

You spoke to me as if I had to know every damn trick in the book.

You pointed out where I went wrong as if I didn’t already understand it.

 

I would have welcomed your advice if you watched your language.

I would have been more considerate if we joined forces as planned.

But being friendly with you in light of this is just out of question.

You can say that I’m high all you want, but it goes to show that you’re smaller than you think.

 

It’s dangerous territory where you’re from as a queer.

It’s dangerous territory where I lurk on the web.

It’s dangerous territory to build a world without receiving adequate training.

It’s dangerous territory to make friends with volatile people like you.

 

A vagabond told me this morning that I don’t learn much from success

And boy, I sure did learn a lot about your character more than what it takes to be top dog.

I might also let it slip that you exploded in my face because your little rant was all over the place.

In that case, riddle me this, who among the two of us really needs room for improvement?

I Am Never Alone

You’ve done it again. You’ve done it again, mate.

You went back on your word when you promised you’d stick with me in the long run.


Even if our passion moved far too quickly at first.

Before it simmered down to give us time to intercept our demons.

 

It should’ve been the other way around.

In an age where I can’t see your face nor can I hold your hand,

 

It’s become a force of habit that I wish I could stop partaking in.

I love too quickly because I am a freak scared of being molded into something I’m not.

 

Regardless of my desire, I still have to know what goes on in your own life.

That either excites you, scares you, angers you, saddens you, and soothes you.

 

I’d have to appreciate you before my infatuation gets the better of me and it evolves into love.

I never planned to stop caring even after finding out your weight was dangerously high.

 

I was reassured that you planned to take care of yourself, but you never knew that.

You didn’t know what to do nor what to say when I didn’t find out about your size sooner.

 

You didn’t want to shove me away, but you did.

You didn’t want to hurt me, but you did.

 

You said you were interested in me, but you weren’t.

You said you weren’t in it for short-term happiness, but you were.

 

All because you turned your back on me when I was willing to keep you tight regardless.

You are such a damn fraud that vies for a sugar bowl that I am fighting tirelessly to keep.

 

How many sorries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I could let you know when you get it to turn on.

But how can I notify you if you severed ties with me?

Since you ran away, an apology is as empty as your soul.

 

You turned out to be just like your exes and here I am, telling you, “Fuck your love quest.”

It’s not like you’re going to take it again anytime soon nevertheless.

 

Lonely pieces of crap only want to love when they wish for an early death.

Were you trying to gasp for air when the ocean took away your breath?

 

If you’re still wondering why you’ll never find love, I’ve got bad news for you.

The way you made my heart beat for you until you made a crack in it is the answer to your question.

 

You may never know this about me because I don’t always realize it myself.

But when I embrace a soul whose loyalty and compassion is unbreakable,

 

I realize that I am never alone.

They may face obstacles and heartaches of their own, but they never let them tear them apart.

 

One day, I’ll find love of my own and I continue to pray that it will be as true as my friendships.

What a shame that you’ll never see that I am never alone.

Measuring Hours

Folder: 
2019

It’s funny how

this same sound can make

us feel the same things

in different ways

on different sides of the world

 

The moments where time stopped

but no

I shouldn’t say

stopped

I should say

I held it in my hand

afraid what it could do on its own

those hours when

the sky felt like a beast I could tame

those hours I would pin down

if you asked me to tell you my story

 

An hour of laughter,

dawn breaking,

breaking like a voice

when I once had you.

 

Once.

 

Once I wore my heart

on my sleeve

and I thought

I would never be able

to share my clothes with you

hang myself from your windows

 

But really

we are just

different versions

of the same thing

 

and today old truths

often spill from long limbs

as I climb to your welcome again

and you say hello like

I have never heard it before

and you want it to be the sweetest word

so sweet I might not think it’s my language

 

I can’t help but think

dragging my happiness around

that if I let it

off its leash

it would only follow me here

like someone else’s secret.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/28/19

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tags:

Caught in the Headlights

The sheer speed slices through the ensemble of snow and rain. Though, speed kills. Trucking along a highway, alone and abandoned. No other car on the road to make a makeshift companion. The sun is down, depressed, and distraught. The clouds cloud the sun like hands covering a crying face, the sun whimpers and the car slightly swerves out of place. The earth darkens as you squint out of a box. The headlights at maximum light, like speed in the snow, they cut through the night. Boredom and isolation reach you, like a rush of blood to the head. Stuck in your thoughts, as you barely look ahead. The roads are sheeted in ice, yet you truck on. The road narrows, becomes one lane. You peer through your rearview, out of instinct, hoping to busy your mind. Though, the car is silent, and your head is live. You think to yourself, what a terrible time to drive. You think to yourself, why am I alive? Wherever you are going, you ponder if you should arrive. You could just offroad into a snowbank, little chance you would survive. Speed kills. Yet, your hands stay at ten and two, and that little windshield you continue to peer through. The questions linger in the eerie silence. A cellular ring surprises you, though not enough to throw you off. You pick up the phone, and answer with ennui. The other side delivers noise to your ear, you listen and the sounds of the car on the road disappear. Your lethargic attitude soon fades away, as a radiant smile extends from ear to ear. As boredom washes away, so do the thoughts. Why even question your existence or possibly intervene, because a smile erases everything. The voice on the other line utters verbal caress, and the more they talk, they more you think less. You realize the desolate drive had you questioning away. In reality, you desire to live another day. The smile still radiates through sleet and snow, the sun still whimpers, but you feel warm. Happiness invades your personal space, and the drive you so detested, soon doesn't feel that way. The phone shuts, but the smile rests in place. So you hold steady, hand on ten, other hand moving back to two. Back in control of the wheel. Back in control of your thoughts. You truck along, the speed of your car still unchanged, and the lights on the car still beam through the lifeless night. But, before you know it, your caught in the headlights. The smile unchanging until your last breath departs, you would feel surprised but you just give it no mind. You think of the call, and the voice that made you smile so. If only you could've made it home through the storm, through the sun's melancholy. If only you could've seen the sun happy again. If only you could've reached that voice. Though, speed kills. The car up in flames, your body an icy red heap. Your soul exits, yet the smile stays, as your body lay caught in the headlights, that have now succumbed to the darkness of the night.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is more like an elongated poem, but tried to capture the moment the best I could.

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