Mental Health

I'm Not Crying

Your single mother and cousins applauded you because they had faith I was the one.

It felt amazing to be this close to a family that I never met in the flesh.

Seeing them in the form of a discarded diary should have sounded an alarm in my head.

Your voice was so solemn and so soothing that it was like tasting a honeysuckle lollipop.

It was the best flavor I’ve ever had until I told you about the pauper I am providing for.

Then the flies showed up and I spent the next two months swatting them away.

 

One day, I licked the lollipop for the first time since then and tasted manure in the center.

I wondered why something so sweet could taste so repulsive.

But to my surprise, I was struck by the thought that I should have known.

You found yourself a guy you couldn’t wrap around your finger.

I didn’t see it until I was being bled dry and I could barely stay awake.

I had nothing to offer you when you claimed I did.

 

So why were you angry?

Why were you cranky?

I thought you were dandy

When you abstained from hanky panky.

 

All this time, you were still the hurt little boy that was raised in the Pope’s lyceum.

And turned into a lamprey the second I couldn’t give him anything to eat.

If you’re alone and free, I’ve already forgotten about you.

If you deserve better than me, you took the easy way out

By cheating on your test in life and got caught by the pauper.

You whimpered in fear of getting expelled and I was prepared for it.

 

The lamprey within broke free when I couldn’t look at you as the same person I loved before.

You fruitlessly faked your regret and pinned the blame on my ass to get out of jail free.

I’m not crying not because I didn’t care about you.

It was because I have the ending from that film memorized by heart.

It’s crazy, isn’t it? I know. I’ve watched it several times in French as a student.

 

I know my worth. I’m smiling in public while the sun is up

And brightening up the night when it goes down.

Thank you for putting words in my mouth when you were at your lowest.

Can you remind me again what major you’re pursuing?

Because you behaved like a patient in a case study at Arkham to me.

Wake up and smell the roses, my sweet summer child.

If you can’t stand to be where the bald eagles take flight,

Then park yourself on a bench and feed the pigeons.

Urban Air

 

 

The urban air weighs heavy on my chest

like my hand when I try to press my anxieties back

into my sternum. Outside the blue jays call to each other

in a pitch that leaves my fingers pressing to my temples

as I try to stop the throbbing that pulses with every beat of my heart.

This used to come easy;

my fingers relishing in the tactile press of the keyboard

would lull me like a baby gently rocked in its father’s arms.

My father held me more than my mother —

or at least that’s what I remember.

Bipolar is genetic. Did you know that?

I am different than she is. A different type.

     More subdued.

          Second string.

If you stare through the screen your eyes will focus

on the squares caging you from the vines creeping up the window

     panes,

          but it won’t save you

from the smell of the neighbors smoker

that makes you hunger for the food beyond the fence.

There the songbirds serenade each other

like the waves do to the sand. My ankles

ache for the steady rhythm of the water to soothe my heartbeat,

the salt air to expand my lungs,

the vastness of the Atlantic

to steal away the panic burrowed between my ribs.

 

 

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You Don't Know Me

You poor little porcupine.

It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.

I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.

But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.

 

I cannot pull them out or I would die.

So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little

While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.

 

The future was bright for us.

You couldn’t stand by to let me sink

So you taught me to swim.

I wanted to return the favor badly.

But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.

 

The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.

You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.

You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.

You made every effort to show that you loved me

Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.

 

A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.

The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.

I was working hard and I felt out of breath.

You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.

 

“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.

“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”

Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”

“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”

“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”

“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”

I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.

You made it seem like the world hates me now.

So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.

It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself

If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.

 

I never asked you to help me.

You did so at your own volition.

If you didn’t want to in the first place,

You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”

We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.

 

But here you are.

You called me immature.

You called me a teen in an adult’s body.

You said I never bothered to do my share.

 

But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?

Or better yet, look in a mirror?

You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.

The scholars in my inner circles do.

 

Whose leg are you trying to pull?

My loved ones know exactly what you said.

They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.

If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.

 

I can admit when I am anyway.

You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.

And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.

In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.

It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.

And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.

But I am done with you.

I am done letting your vitriol take up space.

I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.

I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.

My love for you was just practice for the next person.

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.

Because I discovered that what you don’t know

Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work

Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.

The Skies Have Never Been Greyer

The skies have never been greyer.

I don’t heal from mental scars overnight.

Neither do you.

I overthink small problems and I wither when I make mistakes.

So do you.

It made me smile that we have our own inner demons.

It gave me the realization that I would not be alone.

 

When two broken hearts get together,

I often dream that they are matches made in heaven.

Because we understand where we’ve been

And why these circumstances made us the way we are.

But in every relationship, it is the furthest thing from paradise.

It won’t be the last time that we’d be walking on thin ice.

 

You are a sweetheart to me and I won’t forget the way you changed my life.

You’ve inspired me to meet icons whose wealth exceeds my wildest dreams.

You’ve helped me see that they’re human beings just like you and me.

You’ve given me pieces of you to keep me on my feet and explore uncharted territory in Wonderland.

You’ve compelled me to think that you wouldn’t ask for much as long as I said,

“I love you. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.” every night.

You constantly worry you lose me and that nothing in life goes right for you.

I keep trying to do my own thing while battling the sergeants that disagree with my decisions.

Don’t let our fickle position be added to my list of never-ending burdens.

 

Sometimes I stay the best of friends with people I was fond of before.

I’m never the “love them and leave them” type as long as I’m still on good terms with them

And remind myself that the past is in the past and no one is taking me anywhere.

Not that anyone could anyway as long as I make a living trying to tell nectarines and peaches apart.

Tonight when I talked about it with you, the way I opened up to you was like stepping in a land mine.

I don’t want to keep secrets from you so you wouldn’t fear I’d leave you to drown in a vale of tears.

But I’ll lock them up and throw away the key if I’m put on the spot like this.

Then I wouldn’t let you touch me the way you do now.

 

I’ve learned many hard lessons from falling in love and interpreting one’s intentions.

One taught me that it’s pointless to disguise odium as empathy.

One taught me that I can never choose what the love of my life gets offended by.

One taught me not to rely too heavily on my other half lest I lose my ability to solve problems.

One taught me not to sacrifice too much when making a commitment.

One taught me that there’s more to life than shotgun weddings and procreation.

One taught me to love who I am before I can give my light to others.

A lost boy who’s a year away from adulthood has given me his by sharing his own disappointments

Yet he still has the heart to resurrect the brotherly side that I had previously lost to a poisonous fable.

 

I know I want to love

And I want to be loved in return

But I am a free spirit and close friends mean the world to me.

I never see myself as a “give and take” kind of bloke

All because the little things in life are what matters more to me.

Who would want a lover like that?

 

I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but no matter what the future brings,

I’ll always love you and be indebted to your compassion.

I swear on the grave of my jewel and cousin, I wish you the best in life

Whether I spend mine with you or not.

The skies have never been greyer.

My dearest Ana

My dearest Ana

You are my only friend and saviour

You’re the only one who understands

Ana, my companion

You have ascended me to glory

Thanks to you I feel like I can fly

My body knows no weight to carry

I have seen the lights thanks to you

I can fall asleep and know

With you, Ana, by my side

 

I would never have to wake up again

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the blanket

Darkness called her away from her dreams

A familiar blanket of anguish it seemed

Out of nowhere and meaning naught

She took a breath and had a thought


Why have i been given this pain?

No rhyme or reason, nothing to gain

She can't just make it go away

From childhood memory to today


It means to drag her over coals

Despite efforts to be in control

It sweeps away all that is good

Leaving behind only falsehood


Phantom feelings that can't be denied

Fighting it hard even whilst she cried

Loud enough that everyone knows 

She's in a pit of emotional foes

 

Just time and the right medication

To bring her round to a better situation

There are no issues to be resolved

The illness is what has to be solved


Honesty is what it takes to stay well

Open discourse clear as a bell

That the struggle is beyond her ability

She's stuck with a feeling of futility 


So once again she has to admit

To her wellbeing she must committ

On her own she only suffers

Making an impact on all her others


She knows now to do the right thing

That in no time she'll be able to sing

Shredding the blanket of anguish

she will no longer languish


 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

hmmm

i have wrangled this a few times.  

Can't quite get the flow right.

 

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I'm broken

Hope for me i will be okay

From the start of each new day

Hold my hand so i won't falter

In the quest that i cant alter


See inside is only fright

not the urge to have a fight.

I need to learn not to worry

About all those folks in a hurry


Life has it's own ups and downs

that cause us all to wear a frown

But it will never be as bad 

as when i was so young and sad


I need to remember things have changed

That i have grown and yet remained

Here in life i wont give up

At the feast i'll get to sup


It's taken time to get this far 

But now it's time to raise the bar

hold on to your guts you'll be fine

telling folks so that they know to define


As i'm not of the ordinary sort

For me everything is so fraught

Because of a broken switch inside

that makes me want to run and hide


So i will not allow myself to overthink it

Whats inside is a broken instinct

Instead i will just take a breath

Think it through in shallow depth


Did they really want to hurt you?

The people folks all around you

I don't think they even care

even if they do stare


So bear with me it may take a while

for me to just bear a smile

I've done very well to even be here

To be so social is very rare


Everyone around you is kind

stop searching you'll never find

What it is causing this dread

That starts as i get out of bed


I feel powerless when it grips me

A pawn in mine owned lifetimes journey

To FIGHT? or FLEE? that is the question

Constantly asked to my distraction

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Buzzcut Boy

Folder: 
Confessions

It's not you,

It's not me,

It's not him

It's the world that has been

sucking us back in

to the dark void it's yet to fill

devouring our rainbows and

any shade and trace of light

and everything we hold dear

 

It's not you

It's not me

It might be

the words of a madman that

have devoured me piece by piece

ever since

until I suffocate and dissolve

into the nothingness I feel

at 3 a.m.

 

And I'm sorry if you knew this only now.

 

It's not you

It's not him

It's the constant fear

that has built a home

out of the shanties of my heart

Pulling the strings,

the triggers

on its whim

 

And I'm sorry but it's already won the war, I believe

 

It's not you

It's not me

It's not him

It's the inevitability I cannot escape

And so in silence, I shall

roam this world and carry

the memories of us,

your buzzcut and my smile,

and the glow I basked on with

in that April afternoon.

 

Forget about me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about how depression affects love.

I can’t… But, Why? By jfarrell I can’t… I haven’t prepared… What if…. I could give a million reasons. I can’t bare the humiliation. A broken leg may hurt, But… SNAP! It’s over Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart Relived everytime you sleep Re-

I can’t… But, Why?

By jfarrell

 

I can’t…

I haven’t prepared…

What if….

I could give a million reasons.

 

I can’t bare the humiliation.

A broken leg may hurt,

But… SNAP!

It’s over

 

Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart

Relived everytime you sleep

Re-experienced everytime you close your eyes

Always there

 

I can’t ask out a woman because the ‘No’

Is like using a boxcutter on my heart

For everyone to see

For everyone to laugh…. forever

 

Over and over I would relive that humiliation

I couldn’t help myself

And, that’s why

I can’t

Author's Notes/Comments: 

pathetic, i know