Mental Health

Toxic

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New Lyrics

 

 

She starts her day out just the same as any other

She hasn't heard a single word from her brother

In ages

She'd like to think her life won't sink to the bottom

She tells herself she needs no help with her problems

Outrageous 

 

-She takes the pain and shoves it down

She swears that she won't let it out

Now all alone she starts to drown

In her own spiritual drought

And everyone around

Can see she's lost her crown

As she helplessly falls to the ground

She's become toxic now- (chorus)

 

She pops her pills now just to feel a little better

The alcohol won't help at all, it's crippling her

In stages

She likes to think her life can't sink to the bottom

She begs herself not to get help with her problems

Audacious

 

(Chorus)

 

She can't retract how she reacts, the damage is done

She can't erase all her mistakes, as she comes undone

In phases

She tries to think her life won't break at the bottom

She kills herself, refuses help with her problems 

Rampageous

 

(Chorus)

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

8/17/23. I am hoping this one is well received.  One of my favorite new pieces so far.

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Ezekiel (smile)

Folder: 
New Lyrics

Well, you must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed today

Cause now some unfortunate people are gonna have to pay

Pace around the room, throw on some clothes,  about to have some fun

Heading for the door, grabbed the car keys, don't forget the gun

 

-You're too far gone, there's no turning back now

Your thoughts gone dark, letting the demons out- (pre)

-Of your mind, are you that fucked in the head?

Now you've left behind a trail of bloodshed 

Look around, everything you see is dead

No remorse, you just smile for the camera instead- (chorus)

 

So, as you drive around the city looking to find more prey

You're streaming it all on social media like it's a play

And you're leading the ones after you on a wild goose chase

Too bad your daddy ain't around to praise your evil ways

 

-You're too far gone, there's no turning back now

Your thoughts gone dark, letting the demons out- (pre)

-Of your mind, are you that fucked in the head?

Now you've left behind a trail of bloodshed 

Look around, everything you see is dead

No remorse, you just smile for the camera instead

 

So lock the doors and hide inside

You don't want to be next in line

 

 

11-14-22

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I decided to write a lyric about this guy who went on a shooting spree for over 12 hours through the city of Memphis TN back in Sept 2022. Let me know what you think. I've attached a link to the story below

 

https://www.newsweek.com/memphis-police-seek-suspect-shooting-spree-alle...

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You Were Never the Victim

Wow, this is the best poetry book in the world.

I love how deep it is.

That one poem is so funny my heart skipped a beat.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of the pages.

And the most amazing part is,

It sucked.

A lot.

 

Who were you expecting, a white knight?

I’ve heard these jokes before in checkout lanes.

And the customers in front of me never knew you existed.

 

I’m not that pretentious.

But you are.

 

I do not have double standards.

But you do.

 

Someone whose castle is built on mediocrity can’t scare me into hiding.

But someone else might be.

 

The moat is heavily guarded by trolls that can ruin their lives

If they refuse to walk on eggshells around you.

 

I keep pointing out your flaws

But you never even see them.

Instead, you fired a bomb into the crowd

And ecstatically handed the cannon to me.

 

You impersonate a traumatized child so onlookers would feel bad for you

And point their fingers at me at the drop of the hat,

Leaving me with nothing else to say in my defense.

I’m beginning to believe you love the drama more than you love your craft.

You’ve thrown burnt bridges in the wind today and I’m off to the pen,

But I’ll let you have your fun for now.

 

I have stowed away in the back of the truck to escape my sentence,

But I’ve come back to fight you with a rocket.

 

I’ve been ready for perfect storms since my old flame tried to kill himself.

And pinned the blame on me because he wanted me all to himself.

I have nothing to lose if you play the “defenseless child” act again.

 

You may have been one locked in a tower once upon a time.

But you grew up to be a dragon and imprisoned someone else.

It’s not my fault that you made yourself look worse.

It’s yours.

You can stop lying to me now.

I know you were never the victim.

Out with the Loathing, In with the Benevolence

 

The pain of being left behind has lingered inside you for years, years, years.

 

So you thought the patrons berating me weren’t bad enough, nuff, nuff.

 

I had open wounds all over my body.

 

And you dumped a bucket of salt on them.

 

You knew perfectly well how hurt I was before that.

 

Yet you tie a leash on my neck and commanded me to listen

 

Like the dog I was when I barked back at you.

 

 

 

No matter what my decision was, I was going to lose to you.

 

My attachment to you was the perfect gun for you to fire

 

Because it was loaded with the tablets that nearly did you in.

 

On that fateful day, you survived and I thought that true love was out of my reach.

 

You would have had the last laugh, but several days later, the joke’s on you.

 

I’m someone else’s now so tough luck and good riddance to bad rubbish.

 


 

You say you’re free of me,

 

Yet your memories of me have locked you up

 

and thrown away the key.

 

 

I know that because you have loads of trouble letting go of the past.

 


 

You can vent ‘til the cows come home that I never
made time for you, you, you!

 

Everything has to be about me, me, me!

 

But that was only the surface you scratched.

 

That’s the furthest you ever went.

 

It says more about you than me.

 

Hell, a beefcake could clear his schedule for you better than I can.

 

 

But his chivalry might be aggressive mimicry.

 

 

 

If he breaks your heart, it ain’t my problem.

 

Now that I’m out of your reach, you can’t touch me.

 

I’m mingling with the losers like I’m dancing in a nightclub in Italy.

 

It was a wakeup call to screw your shade

 

Because one of them loves everything about me.

 

 

It’s not looking the other way. It’s enjoying the person I was born to be.

 

 

 

 

Every day I don’t look you up online

Nor read your old messages, my memories of you hurt less and less.

While I can visualize you a decade from now

Still being stroppy about the delusion that I never cared for you.

Who knows? You could call me a cunt and still claim part of you loves me.

And you’re sorry it had to be this way.

 

But… fuck no! Let’s be real. You’re not sorry. No aspect of you loves me.

 

 

You played the sarcasm card on me. So how about a taste of your own medicine for a change?

Good luck becoming a psychologist with the attitude of a wack job.

Good luck getting that degree while you throw a fit on every single assignment you get.

Good luck handing that very same garbage you threw at me to a couple getting a divorce.

I can’t wait to see a patient badmouth you on Reddit and turn you into a court jester.

Maybe I did learn a lesson from you after all;

Knowing when it is time to let go and never come back.

I'm Not Crying

Your single mother and cousins applauded you because they had faith I was the one.

It felt amazing to be this close to a family that I never met in the flesh.

Seeing them in the form of a discarded diary should have sounded an alarm in my head.

Your voice was so solemn and so soothing that it was like tasting a honeysuckle lollipop.

It was the best flavor I’ve ever had until I told you about the pauper I am providing for.

Then the flies showed up and I spent the next two months swatting them away.

 

One day, I licked the lollipop for the first time since then and tasted manure in the center.

I wondered why something so sweet could taste so repulsive.

But to my surprise, I was struck by the thought that I should have known.

You found yourself a guy you couldn’t wrap around your finger.

I didn’t see it until I was being bled dry and I could barely stay awake.

I had nothing to offer you when you claimed I did.

 

So why were you angry?

Why were you cranky?

I thought you were dandy

When you abstained from hanky panky.

 

All this time, you were still the hurt little boy that was raised in the Pope’s lyceum.

And turned into a lamprey the second I couldn’t give him anything to eat.

If you’re alone and free, I’ve already forgotten about you.

If you deserve better than me, you took the easy way out

By cheating on your test in life and got caught by the pauper.

You whimpered in fear of getting expelled and I was prepared for it.

 

The lamprey within broke free when I couldn’t look at you as the same person I loved before.

You fruitlessly faked your regret and pinned the blame on my ass to get out of jail free.

I’m not crying not because I didn’t care about you.

It was because I have the ending from that film memorized by heart.

It’s crazy, isn’t it? I know. I’ve watched it several times in French as a student.

 

I know my worth. I’m smiling in public while the sun is up

And brightening up the night when it goes down.

Thank you for putting words in my mouth when you were at your lowest.

Can you remind me again what major you’re pursuing?

Because you behaved like a patient in a case study at Arkham to me.

Wake up and smell the roses, my sweet summer child.

If you can’t stand to be where the bald eagles take flight,

Then park yourself on a bench and feed the pigeons.

Urban Air

 

 

The urban air weighs heavy on my chest

like my hand when I try to press my anxieties back

into my sternum. Outside the blue jays call to each other

in a pitch that leaves my fingers pressing to my temples

as I try to stop the throbbing that pulses with every beat of my heart.

This used to come easy;

my fingers relishing in the tactile press of the keyboard

would lull me like a baby gently rocked in its father’s arms.

My father held me more than my mother —

or at least that’s what I remember.

Bipolar is genetic. Did you know that?

I am different than she is. A different type.

     More subdued.

          Second string.

If you stare through the screen your eyes will focus

on the squares caging you from the vines creeping up the window

     panes,

          but it won’t save you

from the smell of the neighbors smoker

that makes you hunger for the food beyond the fence.

There the songbirds serenade each other

like the waves do to the sand. My ankles

ache for the steady rhythm of the water to soothe my heartbeat,

the salt air to expand my lungs,

the vastness of the Atlantic

to steal away the panic burrowed between my ribs.

 

 

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You Don't Know Me

You poor little porcupine.

It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.

I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.

But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.

 

I cannot pull them out or I would die.

So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little

While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.

 

The future was bright for us.

You couldn’t stand by to let me sink

So you taught me to swim.

I wanted to return the favor badly.

But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.

 

The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.

You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.

You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.

You made every effort to show that you loved me

Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.

 

A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.

The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.

I was working hard and I felt out of breath.

You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.

 

“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.

“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”

Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”

“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”

“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”

“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”

I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.

You made it seem like the world hates me now.

So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.

It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself

If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.

 

I never asked you to help me.

You did so at your own volition.

If you didn’t want to in the first place,

You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”

We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.

 

But here you are.

You called me immature.

You called me a teen in an adult’s body.

You said I never bothered to do my share.

 

But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?

Or better yet, look in a mirror?

You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.

The scholars in my inner circles do.

 

Whose leg are you trying to pull?

My loved ones know exactly what you said.

They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.

If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.

 

I can admit when I am anyway.

You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.

And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.

In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.

It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.

And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.

But I am done with you.

I am done letting your vitriol take up space.

I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.

I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.

My love for you was just practice for the next person.

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.

Because I discovered that what you don’t know

Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work

Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.

The Skies Have Never Been Greyer

The skies have never been greyer.

I don’t heal from mental scars overnight.

Neither do you.

I overthink small problems and I wither when I make mistakes.

So do you.

It made me smile that we have our own inner demons.

It gave me the realization that I would not be alone.

 

When two broken hearts get together,

I often dream that they are matches made in heaven.

Because we understand where we’ve been

And why these circumstances made us the way we are.

But in every relationship, it is the furthest thing from paradise.

It won’t be the last time that we’d be walking on thin ice.

 

You are a sweetheart to me and I won’t forget the way you changed my life.

You’ve inspired me to meet icons whose wealth exceeds my wildest dreams.

You’ve helped me see that they’re human beings just like you and me.

You’ve given me pieces of you to keep me on my feet and explore uncharted territory in Wonderland.

You’ve compelled me to think that you wouldn’t ask for much as long as I said,

“I love you. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.” every night.

You constantly worry you lose me and that nothing in life goes right for you.

I keep trying to do my own thing while battling the sergeants that disagree with my decisions.

Don’t let our fickle position be added to my list of never-ending burdens.

 

Sometimes I stay the best of friends with people I was fond of before.

I’m never the “love them and leave them” type as long as I’m still on good terms with them

And remind myself that the past is in the past and no one is taking me anywhere.

Not that anyone could anyway as long as I make a living trying to tell nectarines and peaches apart.

Tonight when I talked about it with you, the way I opened up to you was like stepping in a land mine.

I don’t want to keep secrets from you so you wouldn’t fear I’d leave you to drown in a vale of tears.

But I’ll lock them up and throw away the key if I’m put on the spot like this.

Then I wouldn’t let you touch me the way you do now.

 

I’ve learned many hard lessons from falling in love and interpreting one’s intentions.

One taught me that it’s pointless to disguise odium as empathy.

One taught me that I can never choose what the love of my life gets offended by.

One taught me not to rely too heavily on my other half lest I lose my ability to solve problems.

One taught me not to sacrifice too much when making a commitment.

One taught me that there’s more to life than shotgun weddings and procreation.

One taught me to love who I am before I can give my light to others.

A lost boy who’s a year away from adulthood has given me his by sharing his own disappointments

Yet he still has the heart to resurrect the brotherly side that I had previously lost to a poisonous fable.

 

I know I want to love

And I want to be loved in return

But I am a free spirit and close friends mean the world to me.

I never see myself as a “give and take” kind of bloke

All because the little things in life are what matters more to me.

Who would want a lover like that?

 

I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but no matter what the future brings,

I’ll always love you and be indebted to your compassion.

I swear on the grave of my jewel and cousin, I wish you the best in life

Whether I spend mine with you or not.

The skies have never been greyer.

My dearest Ana

My dearest Ana

You are my only friend and saviour

You’re the only one who understands

Ana, my companion

You have ascended me to glory

Thanks to you I feel like I can fly

My body knows no weight to carry

I have seen the lights thanks to you

I can fall asleep and know

With you, Ana, by my side

 

I would never have to wake up again

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