Mental Health

My dearest Ana

My dearest Ana

You are my only friend and saviour

You’re the only one who understands

Ana, my companion

You have ascended me to glory

Thanks to you I feel like I can fly

My body knows no weight to carry

I have seen the lights thanks to you

I can fall asleep and know

With you, Ana, by my side

 

I would never have to wake up again

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the blanket

Darkness called her away from her dreams

A familiar blanket of anguish it seemed

Out of nowhere and meaning naught

She took a breath and had a thought


Why have i been given this pain?

No rhyme or reason, nothing to gain

She can't just make it go away

From childhood memory to today


It means to drag her over coals

Despite efforts to be in control

It sweeps away all that is good

Leaving behind only falsehood


Phantom feelings that can't be denied

Fighting it hard even whilst she cried

Loud enough that everyone knows 

She's in a pit of emotional foes

 

Just time and the right medication

To bring her round to a better situation

There are no issues to be resolved

The illness is what has to be solved


Honesty is what it takes to stay well

Open discourse clear as a bell

That the struggle is beyond her ability

She's stuck with a feeling of futility 


So once again she has to admit

To her wellbeing she must committ

On her own she only suffers

Making an impact on all her others


She knows now to do the right thing

That in no time she'll be able to sing

Shredding the blanket of anguish

she will no longer languish


 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

hmmm

i have wrangled this a few times.  

Can't quite get the flow right.

 

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I'm broken

Hope for me i will be okay

From the start of each new day

Hold my hand so i won't falter

In the quest that i cant alter


See inside is only fright

not the urge to have a fight.

I need to learn not to worry

About all those folks in a hurry


Life has it's own ups and downs

that cause us all to wear a frown

But it will never be as bad 

as when i was so young and sad


I need to remember things have changed

That i have grown and yet remained

Here in life i wont give up

At the feast i'll get to sup


It's taken time to get this far 

But now it's time to raise the bar

hold on to your guts you'll be fine

telling folks so that they know to define


As i'm not of the ordinary sort

For me everything is so fraught

Because of a broken switch inside

that makes me want to run and hide


So i will not allow myself to overthink it

Whats inside is a broken instinct

Instead i will just take a breath

Think it through in shallow depth


Did they really want to hurt you?

The people folks all around you

I don't think they even care

even if they do stare


So bear with me it may take a while

for me to just bear a smile

I've done very well to even be here

To be so social is very rare


Everyone around you is kind

stop searching you'll never find

What it is causing this dread

That starts as i get out of bed


I feel powerless when it grips me

A pawn in mine owned lifetimes journey

To FIGHT? or FLEE? that is the question

Constantly asked to my distraction

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Buzzcut Boy

Folder: 
Confessions

It's not you,

It's not me,

It's not him

It's the world that has been

sucking us back in

to the dark void it's yet to fill

devouring our rainbows and

any shade and trace of light

and everything we hold dear

 

It's not you

It's not me

It might be

the words of a madman that

have devoured me piece by piece

ever since

until I suffocate and dissolve

into the nothingness I feel

at 3 a.m.

 

And I'm sorry if you knew this only now.

 

It's not you

It's not him

It's the constant fear

that has built a home

out of the shanties of my heart

Pulling the strings,

the triggers

on its whim

 

And I'm sorry but it's already won the war, I believe

 

It's not you

It's not me

It's not him

It's the inevitability I cannot escape

And so in silence, I shall

roam this world and carry

the memories of us,

your buzzcut and my smile,

and the glow I basked on with

in that April afternoon.

 

Forget about me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about how depression affects love.

I can’t… But, Why? By jfarrell I can’t… I haven’t prepared… What if…. I could give a million reasons. I can’t bare the humiliation. A broken leg may hurt, But… SNAP! It’s over Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart Relived everytime you sleep Re-

I can’t… But, Why?

By jfarrell

 

I can’t…

I haven’t prepared…

What if….

I could give a million reasons.

 

I can’t bare the humiliation.

A broken leg may hurt,

But… SNAP!

It’s over

 

Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart

Relived everytime you sleep

Re-experienced everytime you close your eyes

Always there

 

I can’t ask out a woman because the ‘No’

Is like using a boxcutter on my heart

For everyone to see

For everyone to laugh…. forever

 

Over and over I would relive that humiliation

I couldn’t help myself

And, that’s why

I can’t

Author's Notes/Comments: 

pathetic, i know

A drunk, long before I found alcohol By jfarrell

A drunk, long before I found alcohol

By jfarrell

 

 

Used to watch my dad come home from the pub

And beat his wife and kids

Used to see my mum plied with drink

To walk out with a man and humiliate all of us,

Humiliate me, again

 

When we got taken into Care,

I didn’t know alcohol was involved

(found that out recently)

But, at least that first time drunk

Scared me back into being teetotal

 

I found alcohol at 25 and fell in love with being inebriated.

Up til then, I’d always had a ‘drink problem’

though teetotal,

Fear that one taste I’d end up like them

Fear I’d become him

 

Maybe I’m not far off him, not that different,

I have no wife or kids, so don’t know if I’d hurt them

Maybe I’m just as blind to how alcohol changes me

As he was blind. That’s why

I was a drunk, long before I found alcohol.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

not sure what makes me smarter than my dad, if i am

I Manipulate By jfarrell

I Manipulate

By jfarrell

 

(“From the cover of Heaven’s gate, I manipulate” great lyrics from steve taylor)

 

Rasputin is me, I am Rasputin;

I tell you my story, show you my scars

I share my pain with you

And you will jump to my defence

Jump between me and the bullet

Take the sword thrust,

In my stead.

 

I frown and lower my gaze

I show you the pieces of my sundered heart

Let you hold and feel this dead thing that is my soul

Let you dance in the dust that was my dreams

And you give your heart to me

In tender whispers you pledge your undying love

To me.

 

Amongst tears, with nastiness running from my nose

I tell you of the wrongs done to me

I tell you of those that hurt and ridiculed me

To show the truth, the strength, of my pain

I take the knife and slash my arm, over and over

My pain angers you to kill,

For me.

 

Rasputin is me, I am Rasputin

A manipulative, conniving…. monk

Dead many years (executed, I think);

I want you to like me

I’ll say anything you wanna hear.

To keep you here

I manipulate

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is about me, not christians.... just loved steve taylor's song "I Manipuate", great song, great title

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Shaken, not stirred By jfarrell

Shaken, not stirred

By jfarrell

 

(as James Bond likes his Martini’s)

 

My name is Jim, not James;

Association is what gives definition, gives meaning;

‘James’; my first associations are James Bond and King James;

As you see, very stirred, not shaken.

 

I come from a scumbag family on a council estate;

I speak with a stutter

And am as courageous as a cockroach.

I can’t be a James.

 

But a Jim?

Short, insignificant, as important as that bug you just squashed?

I can be a bug. I’m that big and brave.

I’m Jim.

 

And my drink of choice?

Put everything and anything you want in that pot,

Shaken or stirred….

My name is Bug…. Jim Bug…. and I’ll drink anything

Author's Notes/Comments: 

can't bare being called james.... it's just a name.... my nname... but i can't bare it - my nname is jim, like a bug

This caged bird don’t sing By jfarrell

This caged bird don’t sing

By jfarrell

 

Yes, I want to be free

Free to live, laugh and love

Free to enjoy, to be happy

To be normal.

 

To spread my wings and fly.

But

It’s safe here in my cage

No risk of getting hurt.

 

By something new,

By someone new.

No risk of a new cage,

“better the devil you know…”

 

This bird doesn’t sing;

This bird does dance;

This bird sits sulkily silent in his cage.

Already dead?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

response to a poem i read earlier