secrets

Nothing but a Fable

Happily ever after doesn’t exist.

Not when people like you also exist.

I bought myself a new suit of armor so you don’t drive another knife in my back.

I told the vendor to hold the stallion because human legs were never for aesthetic purposes.

 

I wanted to walk the face of the Earth with you using my own.

We would’ve walked more than a thousand miles together to chase the sun and avoid the night.

And I never needed to worry about my tired legs.

They built up a tolerance from walking in the coastal sand and helping me keep up with dirty dishes.

 

I told you about my demons and how quickly I am to care when I’m shown an act of kindness.

Mother always lectured me that no matter how small they may be, they are never in vain.

But there is such a thing as being too kind. There is such a thing as temptation.

The best of us cave in once, twice, or maybe more than that when we write in our diaries.

 

You were like such a book to me and I trusted you, but never did I expect that you’d defile my soul

By persuading me to partake in activities that I would never in my right mind do.

I should have recalled the fable of a girl who trusted a poltergeist that haunted a similar diary.

Had I not flee the moment I saw your true character, I would have joined her in death.

 

Looking back, I understand that diaries are the keys to starting fires and turning innocents into fugitives.

You can try with all your might to pry my mouth open to get me to spill any more beans

But my lips are staying sealed because I know who you really are and I finally learned my lesson.

You never exposed me. You only leaked a chapter that was part of a book you never read.

 

So why bother showing it to you knowing that my real friends and family will be endangered as well?

I know that a deluded man gambled away so much ammo to the vipers that he became a trainwreck.

I swear on my recurring nightmares that any answers to your questions will be used against me.

Truth and justice is a concept invented by people and after all, people do make mistakes.

 

God bless the right to remain silent.

Because even the condemned understand that its value supersedes a vault of gold

That the draconian blackjack dealers steal from the poor that desire to play with them.

Where was Robin Hood when I needed him most?

 

Flash forward to a single year and I’m now twenty-five with an art degree in hand.

I’ve spent all that time studying my ass off and avoiding the vipers that plague my past.

I was with my true friends who never give a shit about your deceit when I realized I never needed you.

Preparing for financial exams under the tutelage of a bright mathematician was like you never existed.

 

So the next time you see me, I won’t grovel on the pavement begging you to take me back.

Instead, I’ll look the other way and French kiss my new admirer in front of you.

Just to let you know that I changed for the better and you missed out on the life we could’ve had.

I am fortunate to understand that your absence last summer turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

 

I dare you to call me an idiot again!

I dare you to call me a chicken!

I dare you to say that I’m going down

While you hide behind the blackjack dealers that love you for show!

 

There’s always someone out there willing to give you a taste of your own medicine anyway.

How did it feel when even Discordia didn’t want anything to do with you?

Was it salty and sour like your attitude and your deceit?

Cavities caused by the consumption of these candies are a pain for dentists to fill.

 

And just like that, you disappeared from the face of the Earth again. Hopefully, for good this time.

You can erase your identity from the world, but you cannot erase the marks your venom left behind.

You may still be on my mind from time to time, but I don’t see you in a virtuous light anymore.

You are nothing but a fable.

I Am Never Alone

You’ve done it again. You’ve done it again, mate.

You went back on your word when you promised you’d stick with me in the long run.


Even if our passion moved far too quickly at first.

Before it simmered down to give us time to intercept our demons.

 

It should’ve been the other way around.

In an age where I can’t see your face nor can I hold your hand,

 

It’s become a force of habit that I wish I could stop partaking in.

I love too quickly because I am a freak scared of being molded into something I’m not.

 

Regardless of my desire, I still have to know what goes on in your own life.

That either excites you, scares you, angers you, saddens you, and soothes you.

 

I’d have to appreciate you before my infatuation gets the better of me and it evolves into love.

I never planned to stop caring even after finding out your weight was dangerously high.

 

I was reassured that you planned to take care of yourself, but you never knew that.

You didn’t know what to do nor what to say when I didn’t find out about your size sooner.

 

You didn’t want to shove me away, but you did.

You didn’t want to hurt me, but you did.

 

You said you were interested in me, but you weren’t.

You said you weren’t in it for short-term happiness, but you were.

 

All because you turned your back on me when I was willing to keep you tight regardless.

You are such a damn fraud that vies for a sugar bowl that I am fighting tirelessly to keep.

 

How many sorries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I could let you know when you get it to turn on.

But how can I notify you if you severed ties with me?

Since you ran away, an apology is as empty as your soul.

 

You turned out to be just like your exes and here I am, telling you, “Fuck your love quest.”

It’s not like you’re going to take it again anytime soon nevertheless.

 

Lonely pieces of crap only want to love when they wish for an early death.

Were you trying to gasp for air when the ocean took away your breath?

 

If you’re still wondering why you’ll never find love, I’ve got bad news for you.

The way you made my heart beat for you until you made a crack in it is the answer to your question.

 

You may never know this about me because I don’t always realize it myself.

But when I embrace a soul whose loyalty and compassion is unbreakable,

 

I realize that I am never alone.

They may face obstacles and heartaches of their own, but they never let them tear them apart.

 

One day, I’ll find love of my own and I continue to pray that it will be as true as my friendships.

What a shame that you’ll never see that I am never alone.

The Elephant in My Cell

You came at a bad time.

A terribly, terribly bad time.

You showed up the moment I couldn’t stand to touch you.

I was afraid you were never going to come.

I should have been glad you came, but why am I not relieved?

Is it that crippling fear that the moment I touch you, you fade away like a ghost?

Is it that you might be a whistleblower looking for an insecurity to use against me later?

Or is it that you are trying to distract me from tending to my garden before it dies of thirst?

 

I want to shout, “Why didn’t you come sooner?!”

I want to shout, “Where were you when I needed you most?!”

I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Would it kill you to tell me what’s driving you away from me?!!”

But I am too nice. Too kind and gentle to scream and point to the elephant in the room.

The very elephant that a sorcerer pulled out of his hat and crippled both of my limbs.

 

I never wanted to call for help because it reinforces the notion that I should still be in high school.

I’ve crawled around all year avoiding the other teenage drama queens that worship dragons.

Seems like they forgot that dragons like to steal our fortunes and our hearts. Before they eat them.

 

Spending time with my open-minded little brother has planted a seed of doubt in my head.

A seed that gets me thinking that all love does to me is waste my time experimenting with false hope.

 

My imaginary nights with a fallen angel goes along the lines of;

“Yes, yes, honey, shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh, my love, how I yearn for you.

Pleasure me with your lust until the water in your veins runs out and you become a raisin.

Only then, will I toss you in the sun and wonder why the hell I’ve never gotten lucky.”

When will the water cycle end for the both of us?

What compels Venus to bewitch me to make bad choices?

Why else do you think independent seekers with degrees in hand avoid commitment?

Our grandparents and parents are more patient than our generation is now

Because compared to us, they tended to their gardens and their raisins.

You did a bang-up job tending to me by showering me with promises you can’t keep,

With complex wisdom about human nature, stories of your struggle to get your education over with,

And the snuggles and touches that I wished were real more than the chains I dream of shattering.

 

You’ve made this game look so easy, you know?

All that had impressed me about you lately is how you’ve lured me into your arms,

Only to neglect me without warning when the sun was at its hottest.

Part of me does not wish to see you go because I tolerate the pain that your absence has left behind.

You scarcely have time on your hands, but would you care to join me for a cup of jasmine tea?

It won’t take long. What I want to know next is what else is new that you have yet to tell me?

Mr. Famous (Chapter 2--"Revenge")

Mr. Famous (Chapter 2)

 

One article writer writer calls him "a lost boy" who can't find his way. That is sad--and I'm not stating it to be evil; I mean that it's truly sad. The same writer has written about a painting he'd seen in his London home.  It's a half-finished painting apparently, the ingredients of which include a burning house, a small child (him?) and some sort of evil-looking woman, his mother, perhaps? Why somebody would want a depressing painting like that hanging on their wall is anybody's guess. Did he himself paint it? I suppose I'll never know.

 

I know he suffers deep inside himself,  we've talked about it. I know he's in pain.  And so am I.

 

(Taken from the original convo on WhatsApp chat):

" ******=The true me is always lonely deep down in me.. I will tell you why if you care to know.  Just ask"

 

No, I cannot put that that up here, it could endanger the entire website.  I could post an image of the WhatsApp convos, but his only attorney he's got left would go for the site administrator's throat--which would jeopardize every writer on here.  Then his attorney would come for *me.*

 

I never got to know why he's always lonely, as I've blocked him on WhatsApp, and my other profile, the one by which he followed back and first communicated on Twitter DM, has been deactivated.  Mr. Famous cannot contact me again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

What *is* revenge, and for what, or for whom, will people take it to extremes?  What extremes: Murder/attempted murder/suicide (homicide turned inward)? Let us first go into the dictionary meaning of  "revenge," then we'll break it down from there:

 

Webster's Dictionary="Transit verb. 1) To avenge (oneself or another) usually by retaliating in kind or degree.  2) To inflict injury in return for an insult.". Let's take the word "retaliation." Do we have the right to retaliate against another to the same degree they took it with *us* or our loved ones? Should we retaliate for a reproach or insult? Probably not, and *especially if it ends in murder.* With the exception of self-defense, there can be no justification for such an act. Here in the Divided States of Embarrassment, many states still have the Death Penalty. Yet, we discourage revenge--aren't we a versatile species?   America still practices this age-old extreme form of unleashing retribution, out of an Old-Testament need for "revenge"--ooh, there's that word again. An eye for an eye, eh? Many modern-day Christians still believe in it. No, it doesn't stop us from killing each other, the Death Penalty is not a deterrent. Heck, way back in the day: People got thrown into prison or stoned to death if they stole a loaf of bread. Now, *that's* what I call *deterrent*. I would also call it *extreme.* Or if one goes all Dennis-Rader on somebody's ass.

 

Revenge is an expression of what lies at the core of the human race: Our basest animal instincts, that reptilian brain which is, after all, the very foundation for our mammalian and human brain.  What does this really say about us? It says that, when we have reached the end of our rope, something in us might snap and regress. Think Jeffrey Dahmer. We can become human monsters, if we slide that far down the evolutionary ladder. We all snap at times, because we are all only human. It's what is at our core which drives us to take extreme measures of revenge.  Thankfully for most of us, both we and the people around us don't let it get that far. We get help, effectively stopping us from taking things too far. Laws are put in place to help, not to harm.

 

So: Are we being evil when we take revenge on somebody else who's harmed us?  That would depend on the extent to which we take it. Most of us don't take it too far. I believe that as long as we keep our need to serve justice upon the guilty party in check, then….. Why not? Just be careful you don't cross the criminal line; that would be taking things too far.

 

Am I looking for an excuse? *YES I AM.* .

 

Here's how Mr. Famous deals with women: (Look up Lilith placements in the natal chart if you want to know more)

 

Lilith in Scorpio=Oh crap. If I had seen this coming, I would have never hit the follow button.  Beforehand, I've always thought of Mr. Famous as good-looking, yes, but *not* somebody I would be intimate with, not even on a secretive level. I've always seen him as a good person--somebody I'd want as a buddy, a good person who became a victim of the people he had hung out with.  I was so loyal, truly believing he never harmed his ex-wife. Why? Because he's a smooth operator (Taurus-dominant). But his Lilith (also known as Black Moon Lilith) in Scorpio makes Mr. Famous absolutely magnetic to women. Unless women can see him coming a mile away: His female fans and any other woman he meets, will fall on their knees and worship him, when he utters as little as a single word. I was one of those unfortunates. We will ask "How high?" when he says "jump." If he had told me to ice-skate across my skin with a straight-razor, I probably would've done it.  A man with this type of placement is dangerously charming. That's not good, by the way. He's automatically attracted to women from whom he can take their personal power.. Moreover, *he knows it* at an instinctive level. Does this mean that every man with this placement will behave this way?? Of course not! I haven't done his natal transits, nor the houses they are in, except most of his personal planets--besides: Everyone is only human.

 

Does he *intend* to be abusive toward women?  The answer lies in what house his Lilith is placed, not just the sign.  Unfortunately for him, Lilith is in his fourth house. Lilith being a dark creature in mythology and in his fourth house--an unfortunate placement, tells me about the dark women of his childhood--specifically *his mother.* His mother definitely abused him both physically and verbally, most likely; He has spoken out about this publicly. That's usually the pattern. He seems to have had a very poisonous family and violent childhood.  His mom probably didn't dedicate a lot of time toward nurturing, etc. He either *was* abandoned, *felt* abandoned, or he was treated like the black sheep. I can relate to this, the poor guy. Lilith in this house also indicates *other* women in his family who may have had a "darkness" about them, and the native will likely carry this behavior over into the family he starts on his own. So yes, Mr. Famous is abusive, though he doesn't intend for it to happen. His abuse is instinctive. He has a sister, either younger or older.  She's the president of his production company--pfft, that's a laugh, as she also contributed to his financial ruin. She's been implicated in several shady financial dealings, who knows what else? I'd burn that bridge in a heartbeat. His entire family has done this to him. I'd be on the phone with my manager/attorneys: "Hey dude, can you come over tonight, cuz I'ma erase their azz, bunch of f*****g leeches. Bring the paperwork over." Don't even call them about it. Just do it. By the time you're done with them, they will have no idea what happened.  Change all phone numbers, move, block all family on social media--f**k these ******, nasty ********es. Spend all my money without my permission?? Uh uh. Bridge burned with ease.

 

But Mr. Famous can't pull the trigger. I wonder why…….

 

I wish a muthaf**ka *would* max out all my shit, with the type of money he used to have?  I'll burn that bridge without a second thought. I've had experience with this sort of thing. I did the same thing with my now-deceased younger sister, who physically abused me in our childhood. My mom wasn't the only one.  I'm willing to bet it's the *same thing* with Mr. Famous's sister, or other siblings or relatives that may have held some dark authority over him. I could be wrong, yes; but I will recognize the same wounds in another. As for me: I burned that bridge with my sister in 2003.  She was dead to me, after I'd gotten tired of her drunken phone tirades. Her drunk ass would call me, pushing my buttons and launching into an insane convo over things I did when we played with our toys. I'm thinking "Pick a conversation from this century, please." Any convo with her was abusive and exhausting.  So I talked with a close friend. She told me to just 1) let her talk. 2) Put the phone down on the couch. 3) Go away for ten minutes, do something. 4) Come back, pick up the phone. Sure enough, there she was, still talking about God-knows-what. After a few times my sister had finally caught on, as I began to laugh uncontrollably during one of our convos, thus ending my fun.  Then she's weak enough to get somebody else to call me, one of her friends who had my new number. She wanted my number, but wouldn't give me *her* number back. Uh uh. That don't work with me. But then, she *did* die, though I don't know how as I was in Florida for a short duration when it happened. I don't know where she's buried, maybe cremated? I have no knowledge of it. Bridge burned.  I was told by others that my uncle had also died within the same year as my sister. Bridge already burned. In most cases, I will simply erase people from my life--bridge burned. But Mr. Famous is one of those "special" cases. This one's going to take awhile.

 

Again, I must say: I do not hate Mr. Famous. I still think about and care about what happens to him. My natal chart is water-dominant as well,. Water folks,in general, are highly emotional people. A scorpion is *powerful* water. I have a tendency to be intense; so whatever you do to me, whatever you say to me, I will take these things into my heart with intensity.  On the outside I will tell you either nothing at all or very little, but gazing intently from near or far. A scorpion takes interest with intense passion, at a soul- connecting level. But one who loves passionately must also hate or *take revenge* passionately. My emotions are strong, and I have a hard time letting go. The only other chart-dominant signs that can match my endurance are either another chart-dominant Scorpio, or a chart-dominant Taurus.  Remember that both Scorpio and Taurus are of the fixed quality--stubborn and enduring. Mr. Famous is definitely stubborn but not as emotionally intense. It's the booze and the hash he does that probably numbs him emotionally. Does everyone with his sign and planetary dominant behave this way? *NO.* It would depend on other planetary positions, house positions, natal transits, etc. There's also family upbringing and *free will.* All factors must be considered. My chart shows *almost* the same thing, but not exactly.  I had intervention much earlier in my life. By the time I was in my early forties, I was done. I had been a friend of Bill W and Dr. Bob for some time, though I don't go to meetings anymore. I quit smoking at age 48 or 49, can't remember. And I don't do street drugs. And I don't do marijuana, it's a schedule I drug *for a reason,* and probably contributed to my uncle's death. This guy went tens of thousands of dollars into debt, that's how addictive the stuff is.

 

*Warning* To any women out there who come across this= If you have figured out whom I've been talking about and you're one of his fans:  Don't get caught up in a conversation with this man. You will only wind up in the same position I'm in. Unless you can "prove" you're worthy by buying him an iTunes card. I cannot stress enough the importance of staying away from him.

 

Will Mr. Famous stop doing the hash, and get off that mess?  Will he quit smoking so he doesn't die from lung cancer? If he doesn't, then he won't live a long life.  I believe he has slowed down his drinking, but hasn't stopped altogether. I hope he can do these things someday.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Am I afraid of being ridiculed for all this?  Yes. Am I afraid of *him?* Considering that he has a history of abuse, *YES.* Am I afraid that he'll go behind my back on social media? Yes; but considering that such a thing is unlikely because I've blocked him and will not see his rage, should I actually give a shit?  No. These chapters aren't going to be published in a book nor on social media, only here; and should I go back to my original Twitter profile (that's how I met him, pressing the wrong follow button), he'll be blocked, thus effectively tuning him out.

 

Am I afraid that *he* will personally come after *me?*  Yes, but that's highly unlikely. What's he going to do, really; stalk me??  From LA!? Hardly. That would destroy whatever Hollywood image and job prospects he has left. Is he going to take his private plane, fly it into Akron-Canton Airport and then *come and get me?* Hell no--unless I had many millions for him to take, he's *that* petty. Is he going to fly his personal plane from Saudi Arabia, where he's been filming!?? (Supposedly) * NO.* I have nothing for him to take, so it's never going to happen.  

 

But I do have the satisfaction of knowing that he spent so much of his hard-earned money sending me something that never arrived, over $2,000.  Taurus men hate wasting money, they're so fixated on it. Do I have proof? Absolutely. It's on my Google Drive. Can the shipping receipt be faked?  Sure it can. That's another reason I'm writing this. And no, I'm not telling you what Mr. Famous tried to send me; you're just going to have to wait.  Again, I must be very careful. I can't give out his name and other details straightaway.

 

Anagram time? I'll think on that a bit.

 

(To be continued…)

 

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My Beloved

My Beloved

 

Please, someone take away from me

this sweet and tender toxin that

my beloved put in me.

I have been impaled by

his horns engorged and dripping with

his passionate poison embracing me.

I was weakened from his chase,

and could no longer flee.

 

Now I am disintegrating.

Red ink flows from my well.

I lie embedded in scarlett earth,

where my beloved trampled me.

 

No longer can I stand.

So, friend, do help me pass.

If you bend and hear my breath,

bring me to peace at last.

 

Down black waters I will drift

ever closer to the place

where Charon waits for me,

with pennies set upon my face.

 

Fran Hinkle

 

5/21/19

 

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History

Folder: 
Band Lyrics

Verse 1:
Forget everything, I hope we can.

Falling like a shooting star.

Where do we go when the light’s not changing?

Tell me if I can feel with my old heart again.

In my changed heart, I still carry the old feelings of our love.

In your mind, we’ve already just ended.

To our friends: we were perfect for each other.


Chorus:
On my face, you can see it clearly

That I want to use up everything I have

To repair our broken past.

Tell me, if you feel the same as me.

Our ships are anchored to each other.

Somewhere, somehow, I’ll find my way back to us.

 

Verse 2:

We have chemistry and history but

Tell me: what do you really feel about us?

Tell me if we’re better off as friends

Or just forbidden lovers in this world.

Tell me everything you are.

Tell me all the stories you have for now.

I can just tell that you’ve struggled in this cold world.

 

Bridge:
Can someone show me how to run away?

You have all of me yet

I’m left with nothing of you.

If there is any way:

Know that I’ll always love you.

Know that I’ll always be there for you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

About a love that you cannot just forget....

God Is Greater!

God is Greater!

So, don’t fear bad weather, news, and the taunts of your haters

You show God’s love by forgiving and unfailingly loving all your neighbors

Do!

And it shall be given upon to you

For you are blessed and highly favored by God

All these things shall be giving a billion-fold of what was robbed

For, Great is God than he or it of this world

Use your talents to uplift all man, woman, boy, and girl

For the time has come

My Dear Chosen One

To spread your wings and fly

Flying high amongst the sky

For your dreams are big bigger than you can do yourself

So, learn to depend and to submit to someone else

For, the greatest good

Use your gifts to uplift and pull others out of the ghetto and hood

I wish I could touch you and hold you tight

For, this is a fight for your soul’s life

Get Right

And get dress for church to go hear the Word

Trust, eventually you live out what is heard

For no man can stop what God has already ordained as His own

I pray, let His Holy Spirit live in your body your temple your home

I promise with God you’re never alone

I speak victory

I hope you hear me

Greatness, Purity, Holiness, and Wholeness

For you are greater than this!

I speak rise up him and her!

Pick up your bed, walk into your true worth, and sin no more for  

God is Greater!

By Katrina T. Smith Copyrighted

 

I have your Word, visit the website below 

 

http://www.itjusthadtobeheard.com/

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Let Your Light So Shine!!!

THE SECRET TREE

Sally came running in the door…”Grandma I have a secret!” She yelled.

It’s a really, really good secret…but I promised not to tell.”

 

“I want to keep my promise but you don’t know how hard it’s been.”

“Trying not to tell anyone…trying to keep this secret in.”

 

Sally looked up at her Grandma…her wide eyes, big and blue…

“Grandma can you help me?  Grandma tell me what to do?”

 

Grandma took Sally out to her back yard saying…“There’s something I want you to see.

They sat down under a very large oak… “This is my secret tree.”

 

“Grandma…” Sally laughed …”This is not a secret tree!

Everybody knows about it…everyone can see…”

 

Grandma put a finger to her lips…and gently shook her head

“The tree is not the secret, silly…it’s what it holds.” she said.

 

Ever since I was a little girl…and a secret was given to me

I’d hurry home and sit right here…underneath this very tree.”

 

“And when I was sure I was alone…that secret I’d retrieve

then I would let that secret out and share it with the leaves.

 

And so this tree is filled with secrets…every secret I ever brought

secrets she will never tell…and some I’m sure I’ve long forgot….

 

With that Grandma stood up and walked away…happy as can be

leaving Sally all alone in the shade of her secret tree.

 

On her way to the house Grandma turned around and smiled…

She couldn’t be sure but she believes

Sally was whispering to the tree

 

sharing her secret with the leaves.


A Broken Glass

Folder: 
Human

 



A broken glass               

pointed angles all over

giving off its light dimly

Waiting for a trigger.     

  

The broken glass may be a piece of Diamond 

Creating Aura from its universe

Strength from its nucleus

Fragility in shadow

Silence in clearness

 

Words in color

Beauty in balance

Passion in calm

Reflection from darkness

 

See all these sincerities appear on his surface

just exists for someone to find

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

 

I wrote this poem when I met a man who has beautiful mind but he does not know it himself.

 

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