scared

I'll Help You Sleep Better.

Nights spent standing over you.

I caressed your cheek after every tremble.

Though your eyes were closed,

I can tell you were frightened.

You stare your restless eyes upon me when I'm here.

When I am away, you sleep like a baby.

 

I come home in the midst of the night,

To find you clutching the sheets

And squinting your eyes.

Wrestling the adversity in your sleep.

You suffer, my love.

I pressed the knife into your heart.

Your suffers shall subside. 

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Inside the Closet

Folder: 
D. E. A. F.

We stare into the black abyss

A world surmised by nothingness.

The only illumination is from under the closet door,

and your only companion, the cold hard floor.

 

You hear them scream, you hear them yell.

But they can't find you, and the dark will never tell.

Curl in a ball and press back against the wall.

Too afraid to answer their call.

 

We are small and filled with fear,

We cannot sob for they may hear.

We don't want to feel the slap of their palm.

Then have to lie when teachers ask whats wrong.

 

When they drink like this there is no reason.

And the slightest infraction will bring on a beating.

They'll yell in your face and you smell it on their breathe.

It smells like desperation and it smells of death.

 

We used to think being in the light was fine.

Until they beat up our body and shattered our mind.

Here in this space, with its absence of light.

Where no matter what time it is the middle of night.

 

We will stay here, stay safe, and hide away.

Not listening to apologies and lies they say.

It's cold on this floor, without a blanket.

But it still is safer than coming out the closet.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's another poem about abused children. Who were so abused they believe its better to live in the darkness than outside it.

Its also connected to my other posted poem "They Call Me It"

Feel free to read that one also and give feed back on both

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Tainted

Folder: 
Tainted

Driven snow, pure and untouched

Sprinkled on the grass

The headlights of the distant cars

Cast soft lights as they pass

How beautiful the whiteness is!

How innocent it seems!

For cruel reality has not appeared

To rip apart her dreams

 

Only fate would be so wicked

As to touch the spotless snow

 Only fate would ever dare

To taint the virgin’s glow

Then life paints a crimson stain

That blots the sheet of white

A coat of shame, a blanket of pain

Lies hidden by the night

Tarnished, it is beautiful no longer

 It is admired no more

And so I bow my head and weep

For the loss of something pure

"Quietly Vibrant"

I can’t help but hide from this envious moon,

Clinging to the sky like ivory on oak.

Intertwined fibers of its circumference gleaming,

Outside, nostalgic avenues form rivers, streaming.

 

I can’t help but stare at these silent walls,

Repelling the cold air like magnetic aversion.

Headlights shine lambent, photonic, reflecting.

Inside, dark paint glitters, diverting, infecting.

 

As the immoderate stars watch over us, burnished,

The fear of hereafter is compelling, yet mystic.

I watch from my chamber, I listen; I wait,

A schema, cognition, they must procreate.

 

Why do I hide from an obscure world?

Outlining boundaries, fearful, despondent.

Expressions vague, a world aside.

These factions of cryptic, doth not subside.

 

Why be afraid of a future forthcoming?

For thou shall come quiet, vibrant, becoming.

 

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Wrecker

That boy.
He sleeps over
more than I had planned.
He makes me tea
in his boots
& grey hat.

I lay in my bed,
silently watching
through the crack
in the door.
He looks like a statue.
A god.
With his broad shoulders
and messy hair.

He wants me to be happy.
I know by how perfect
my tea tastes.

I guess he didn't hear the stories.
The ones about the girl you could
never keep smiling.
Who loved her misery
more than her lover.
The girl that will
scream & cry 
until she breaks him.
& then discreetly disappear
through the back door.

But he doesn't know this yet.
He thinks that I'm just 
watching through the cracks,
staring at his beautiful body
& flawless hands.
Oblivious to the fact
that my gaze has shifted.
Focused on the open door behind him.
My feet have instinctively
slipped into the tattered soles
of my old boots.
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Does she love me?

 

She says she loves me but won't say it back.
She says she cares but doesn't text back.
I try commit suicide she falls to her knees 
but does she love me?
I hold her hand and tell her it's gonna be alright
I tell her I love her, while holding her so tight.
But does she love me?
I've felt love before and Idont feel it now. 
I want this girl more than ever but I guess not for now.
Am I wasting all my kisses?
All my thoughts and my dreams?
Growing old with her is my everlasting dream. 
I hope she loves me
I've messed up to many times
I hope she loves me 
I've came so close to suicide. 
I hope she loves me 
I want her to be all mine.
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Threatened Dreams

He stares, I know he's always watching
Like my conscience from inside 
The man inside the mirrors blotching
Out the memories that I hide 
His eyes lock on and penetrate me
In my fear he does delight

He sees the dreams 
I dream at night

Inching, creeping as I'm sleeping
Tearing at the walls within
Peeking, peering, even peeping
Taking in all of my sin
Picking at the memories I keep
Locked inside my head so tight

He steals the dreams
I dream at night

He stands there with resounding vigor
Contemplating how ill end
His finger resting on the trigger
A finger that I can't unbend
Digging deep with long black arrows
That fill my body full of fright

He kills the dreams
I dream at night

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is the second poem I've written about the haunting man in the mirror. I'll post the first soon this one is just newer and fresher on the mind.

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My nightmare

Its got you by the throat,
Your chest is tightening now,
You got yourself here,
You often ask yourself how?
Still living in the past,
Pulling yourself through each day,
Is this what its like,
To be losing your way?
When your biggest desire,
Is for your whole life to change,
Your disease needs a cure,
But its always out of your range!
Needing to be fixed,
But not knowing whats wrong,
Oh when will i feel better,
How long, how long?
I dont know who i am,
But im looking for a quick fix,
I need someone to help stop me,
From blowing out my next mix.
I know right now,
That im not in the right head space,
I pray for the future,
I never become a head case.
I have loved ones,
Im sure they care,
But at the end of the day,
Their not living my nightmare.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Abit of a dark place right now, not exactly sure what im doing all i know is i hope for alot more happiness in my future!
Would love some constructional criticism !!

Frightful Struggle

Concentration
Motivation
Creation
Lack there of
But this poem comes first
Words of mine take priority over theirs
I deny conforming
I lose my passion
While they gain their pay checks
My counselor tells me I should speak to them
Tell them that my father lost his job
Tell them that our health insurance has been snatched out of our hands
Tell them that I've gone back to a job I love
For reasons I hate
Tell them that I didn't just become 20 on my birthday this year
No
I became an adult
I became responsible
I became the last hope
High school diploma
Check
Bachelor’s degree
Processing, expect delays ahead
Master’s degree
Heavy turbulence, estimated arrival time
Not available
As I formulate these words and my thought process calms
I get jumbled
It’s not a moment of ADD
It’s not the hormones jumping around my brain
Like sperm sensing a vagina is near
Jumbled thoughts in the sense that I’m
Young
Yesterday seems so far away
But yesterday I wasn't a kid
Today I dissipate into the swarm of students
And workers
And somebody's
Slithering onto the bus
That will charter me to a future that I did not plan
Tonight I will slink into my bed
Hugging the bear I've had since I was too old for Barney
Curling into the cold, empty, paper thin sheets
Feel my pulse slowing as I enter sleep
I will dream of the dark times
I only ever think of
That never really happen
Until they actually do
What you choose to see of me
Depends on what you’re looking for
If you open my soul
And take a peek inside
You will be blinded by light
I could joke and tell you that it’s filled with rainbows and unicorns
That’s what I’d say to my friends
That’s how they know me
But really
This light is my guide
And without it
I don’t know my purpose
Yet even though I know where it is
I don’t always know
My purpose
If I’m helping my parents pay the bills
If I've aged myself purposely while the rest of you are trying to look younger
If I’m sacrificing my grades in classes that should matter more than anything to me
Then really
What is my purpose?
Concentration
Motivation
Creation
Lack there of
This poem comes first
These words take precedence
I dream of the day I’ll sit in the front of my class
And be able to say “my students”
But I shake my head
Because I’m not ready
I can’t practice what I preach
I’m morphing into a woman who needs guidance in getting her predicaments into an order that tells her which one comes first and second and third and fourth and fifth
Baby steps
An adult body
An adult brain
A baby comprehension
A massive jolt of caffeine cannot even
Cannot even solve what I must complete
If at first you don’t succeed
Yeah, you know, you try, try again
But until when?

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