scared

My nightmare

Its got you by the throat,
Your chest is tightening now,
You got yourself here,
You often ask yourself how?
Still living in the past,
Pulling yourself through each day,
Is this what its like,
To be losing your way?
When your biggest desire,
Is for your whole life to change,
Your disease needs a cure,
But its always out of your range!
Needing to be fixed,
But not knowing whats wrong,
Oh when will i feel better,
How long, how long?
I dont know who i am,
But im looking for a quick fix,
I need someone to help stop me,
From blowing out my next mix.
I know right now,
That im not in the right head space,
I pray for the future,
I never become a head case.
I have loved ones,
Im sure they care,
But at the end of the day,
Their not living my nightmare.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Abit of a dark place right now, not exactly sure what im doing all i know is i hope for alot more happiness in my future!
Would love some constructional criticism !!

Frightful Struggle

Concentration
Motivation
Creation
Lack there of
But this poem comes first
Words of mine take priority over theirs
I deny conforming
I lose my passion
While they gain their pay checks
My counselor tells me I should speak to them
Tell them that my father lost his job
Tell them that our health insurance has been snatched out of our hands
Tell them that I've gone back to a job I love
For reasons I hate
Tell them that I didn't just become 20 on my birthday this year
No
I became an adult
I became responsible
I became the last hope
High school diploma
Check
Bachelor’s degree
Processing, expect delays ahead
Master’s degree
Heavy turbulence, estimated arrival time
Not available
As I formulate these words and my thought process calms
I get jumbled
It’s not a moment of ADD
It’s not the hormones jumping around my brain
Like sperm sensing a vagina is near
Jumbled thoughts in the sense that I’m
Young
Yesterday seems so far away
But yesterday I wasn't a kid
Today I dissipate into the swarm of students
And workers
And somebody's
Slithering onto the bus
That will charter me to a future that I did not plan
Tonight I will slink into my bed
Hugging the bear I've had since I was too old for Barney
Curling into the cold, empty, paper thin sheets
Feel my pulse slowing as I enter sleep
I will dream of the dark times
I only ever think of
That never really happen
Until they actually do
What you choose to see of me
Depends on what you’re looking for
If you open my soul
And take a peek inside
You will be blinded by light
I could joke and tell you that it’s filled with rainbows and unicorns
That’s what I’d say to my friends
That’s how they know me
But really
This light is my guide
And without it
I don’t know my purpose
Yet even though I know where it is
I don’t always know
My purpose
If I’m helping my parents pay the bills
If I've aged myself purposely while the rest of you are trying to look younger
If I’m sacrificing my grades in classes that should matter more than anything to me
Then really
What is my purpose?
Concentration
Motivation
Creation
Lack there of
This poem comes first
These words take precedence
I dream of the day I’ll sit in the front of my class
And be able to say “my students”
But I shake my head
Because I’m not ready
I can’t practice what I preach
I’m morphing into a woman who needs guidance in getting her predicaments into an order that tells her which one comes first and second and third and fourth and fifth
Baby steps
An adult body
An adult brain
A baby comprehension
A massive jolt of caffeine cannot even
Cannot even solve what I must complete
If at first you don’t succeed
Yeah, you know, you try, try again
But until when?

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Mirror Mirror on the Wall

She stares at me with intense distaste.
I soak in her scrutinizing judgment
As our eyes lock.
A dolorous sobbing begins in her throat
And slowly creeps upon her face as her brow furrows.
Her eyes look on with a new potency;
All hatred has left the cloudy blue spheres,
And in its place a sickening anguish.
Her bleak eyes plead with me for help.
Just as my mouth opens for reassurance
a laugh escapes her lips and her eyes drop to the floor.
Cheerfulness envelopes her body as she cries out with laughter.
I begin to smile back at this playful new friend,
But again I see her eyes.
I helplessly stare into the threshold of her scars and sorrows,
Wishing to once more only see her pseudo-happiness.
Her smile widens,
Knowing I’ve seen past her façade.

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Cold Feet

I must be getting punished
My heart has turned bitter
3 AM I'm waiting
This must be the coldest winter

Underneath the street light
Where we're suppose to meet
I thought I new you we'll
She must have cold feet

What happen to plan A
We even had a plan B
Please stop playing
Put some socks on those feet

Maybe I'm insane
Or in fact it's just love
I must be going crazy
To think you'd actually show up

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I'm Afraid

I’m Afraid

I’m afraid of people
I’m afraid to die
I’m afraid of cars
And planes in the sky

I’m afraid of cancer
Im afraid of death
I’m afraid to choose the wrong direction
Both right and left

I’m afraid of elevators
I’m afraid of heights
I’m afraid to go fast in cars
I’m even afraid of strobe lights

I’m afraid to talk
Or to hear the sound of my own voice
I’m afraid of everything
Of everything that is choice

MD

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I'll Protect You

I see him walking towards me
I hide myself behind you
You see him
You look at me
"I'll protect you"

I'm sitting alone
He sits down next to me
My eyes show you i'm scared
You come up and ask if i'm okay
I say sure
You leave
I ask you later
"When you need me i'll protect you"

You see me curled in a ball
I'm crying but he's nowhere in sight
You ask me where he is
If he has hurt me
You say "I'll protect you"
I shake my head
I look up into your pain filled blue eyes
"How can you protect me from my memories?"

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This Is Me Now

I look in the mirror
and I see my crying soul
People want to look, but
they don't really see me
I'm screaming so loud
How can you not hear me?
My heart was set on the table
You stabbed me many times
Your pleading eyes tell me the truth
My tears fear for a lie
These arms were welcoming once
They are crossed now for no one to come near
A best friend's words
my ears refuse to comprehend
Mother's love I cannot let go
A broken heart she has no grasp of
My God, do not forget me
Here are my hands
Take me away
I feel my life fading
into an unknown
I am so afraid
Like a child lost
Afraid to live again

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tags:

I am

Folder: 
The First One.

I AM
scared that’ll fall for you.
am scared to kiss you, cause am scared I might just miss you
am scared to hug you, feels harder to not hold you tighter
am scared to miss you, because it means I just might NEED YOU
am scared to laugh with you, feels like it won’t be just the two
am scared to cry for you, means I might just have TO lie to you
but what scares me the most, Is that am so scared to LOVE you
because if I do I might just close my eyes and just see US two
AND FORGET, forget, forget
THE reason for being so scared
forget, that I’ll just get HURT.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

FEEDBACK. Please.

It All Started With a Day

June 3rd
Scared. Confused. Miserable. Jason.
Jason
Bad. Wrong. Creepy. Sick. Family friend. Alone.
Alone
Scary. Horrible. Jason. Nightmares.
Nightmares
Jason. Sick. Creepy. Terrifying. Juan.
Juan
Creepy. Pervert. Unpure. Wrong. Evil. Summer.
Summer
Juan. Miserable. Sick. Traumatizing. Bad. Wrong. Sad.
Sad
Alone. Empty. Silent. Scared. Angry. Confused. Broken.
Broken
Unhappy. Scared. Quiet. Untrusting. Searching
Searching for...
Happiness. Answers. Justice.
Justice
Peace. Love. Friendship. Happiness.
Happiness
Light. Fun. Laughter. Good. Whole.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in English class today. I don't know if it's really a poem but it needed to be written and heard. It's what I think about or feel when i hear certain words.

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