anger

Waves of darkness

Waves of darkness

                           By jfarrell

 

Here in my tower I watch the coming storm;

The raven coloured clouds of regret;

The silvery-edged waves of woe, drenching my soul;

The lightening sheds a spotlight on my aloness.

 

Pain-wrapped feelings of guilt;

Pain wrapped feelings of need;

Drink the beer, drown it;

Smoke the weed, numb it.

 

And “why me, again?”

Leads to “I’ve had enough! No more! My turn!”

My fantasies are so blood-soaked….

My dreams, asleep and waking, so violent; vile.

 

Everything I think, see, feel, is so violent;

And, my anger, my hate, is awakened;

“BURN IT ALL DOWN! NOW!”

“AND BURN ALL OF ‘EM!”

 

I smile, shake your hand, but that voice, that command,

Means you too;

I may drown in my miasma of despair;

Please take this life-jacket; don’t drown with me.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

it's a nice life-jacket

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Why are my feelings always so dark?

Why are my feelings always so dark?

By jfarrell

 

Why, when something goes wrong,

Do I always go straight to thoughts and feelings of suicide?

I’m sure many have been where I am;

Done nothing wrong and just lumbered

With £800 worth of rent arrears.

And, though I don’t imagine they smiled,

Said “Thank you, guv’nor, shaft me some more”

I do imagine they got on with it;

Sucked it up, went out and paid it all off.

Instead, I just feel down, dark, full of rage

Full of self pity

This new obstacle before me just saps

What little hope and confidence I had

And all I can do is sit down and cry “I give up”

Why?

Why can’t I be like others,

Just suck it up and get on with it;

Find a job, pay off them arrears

Instead I feel I just can’t go on anymore

Why try? They’re only gonna kick me in the teeth again

And tell me to suck it up

I hate this self pity and I hate this anger

Hopefully, one day, a worm will turn

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

good morning, Worm, your honour

Is There A Point?

Is There A Point?

  By jfarrell

 

I’ve tried,

But I just can’t make this goddamn machine work right;

Me, as a person, as a machine, piece of meat;

What am I spose to be?

 

Me? I’ve been nothing for too long;

Drunk, drowning in my own misery;

“that’s a life choice; you can fix that”;

I’ve been trying.

 

As much as I want to think “now is all I have, tomorrow is yet to be written.”

When I start tomorrow, yesterday will enslave me;

Before I wake, the dark that stalks my dreams, my waking;

And that’s just the crap in my head.

 

Why I’m still here, I don’t know;

Probably just cowardice;

Sorry, but, really,

Is there a point to this?

 

Is there a point? To all of this? To life?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i'm still asking

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Impotent Rage

Impotent Rage

By jfarrell

 

What am I going to do?

This thug, twice my height, twice my width;

Says “One more word, and I gonna knock your teeth out!”

And I haven’t said anything.

 

When they stopped my ESA and housing benefit,

I jumped through all the hoops they told me to;

Went to college, quickly got paid employment

I know I still need more hours.

 

When they stopped my benefit I was £30 in rent arrears;

Now they say it’s all sorted out anew, I’m £777 in arrears;

Yes, I had a breakdown,

Yes, I was on benefits.

 

I didn’t actually let a kid break his ankles, when I was last working;

Because it nearly happened, coz I was ill;

I got the hell out.

I left my job, lost my home, was ill!

 

What am I going to do?

Shafted, how else would you see it?

Torn between murderous rage and cut my own wrists depression;

I hate impotent rage - and they tell me, that’s a choice too.

 

The doing nothing about it part;

Give in to your rage and righteous anger.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

yep, slightly peed off

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Dragon’s Scales

Dragon’s Scales

   By jfarrell

 

Yeah, my honey-boy,

Take the sweets, take the comics;

Cut my rapist’s throat.

 

I’m glad you ain’t my kid,

I’d be ashamed of you, you little poof;

Cut my dad’s throat.

 

Jo…Jo…Joey Deacon..

Stuttering fuck, shut up!

Cut all their fucking throats.

 

Why should I make a nice dragon?

For all the ‘nice’ I am, 20% works

The rest is just folks taking me for a fool.

 

I want my dragon stronger, more beautiful, than I;

Hate and scum is all this world wants;

Thus my dragon will be built with what it wants.

 

All the hate I have, the anger;

The bitterness; darkness; cruelty;

My dragon has very, very black scales.

 

:-)

 

And, sorry for the swearing, I don’t mean to be a potty-mouth, but felt it was warranted.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

why should my draagon be a good guy or girl?

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New Faces

1. Many people ask one's culture-

2. “I'm Hispanic-”, “I am Caucasian”, “I am Asian”...

3. But I'm not African American or Nicaraguan.

4. I am not American nor Southern;

5. I am Otha Grimsley,

6. I am my father.

7. Role model attitude, stern personality.

8. Systematic living, holds his dignity.

9. Never just says, he always does.

10. “Eat right, talk right, walk right.”

11. That's his slogan.

12. His children are his own,

13. He's proud and knows we've grown

14. but we're always Daddy's Babies

15. Even when we're old.

16. Growing up in society,

17. Between two clashing environments.

18. Constantly breaking through harsh words of my peers,

19. And reciting the lectures about being closed-minded,

20. To the obnoxiousness and ignorance,

21. That heavily surrounded me.

22. Not just with my peers,

23. But now with my mother.

24. New marriage, new personality.

25. That seems to be the case.

26. “You were never this way.”

27. For me, she's now pictured and displayed,

28. Like flowers in a new vase,

29. And on a clean canvas,

30. She paints a herself new face.

31. Arguments and miscommunication,

32. One day, the pinnacle of my patience arose.

33. “Why won't you just talk to me? This is your problem!”

34. No... I refused, this was not the problem.

35. “I can't talk to you, you never listen!”

36. The shadows of those words were my feelings,

37. Bottled up for two years, with my silent tears and anger.

38. I can't trust you, stop trying!

39. My head screams in agony, as I plan to see my father.

40. I've been pushed around too long,

41. I have to get away from you!

42. “If you walk out that door, I will call the cops!”

43. Her desperate attempt to frighten me,

44. Only made me worse.

45. How dare she deny my right to see my father!

46. “Call them! I'm not doing anything wrong!”

47. My feet are pounding on the concrete,

48. My eyes leaked hot tears,

49. Like water boiling over the sides of a pot.

50. More anger drew more tears,

51. “I'm such a horrible mother!”

52. “No, don't say that, you are not...”

53. You're not the victim!

54. My tears suddenly spilled as she wins all the glory.

55. She gets solace, as I get pounded with forsake.

56. As my escape arrives,

57. I gather my thoughts, my tears and my belongings.

58. I hop in and sigh.

59. Finally, my turn for solace.

60. As I spend the weekend laying on relief,

61. And still sipping on reminisce,

62. I believe I made significance in the house.

63. Things aren't the same,

64. Actually quite awkward...

65. And begin to play tug-of-war with,

66. Wow, I feel bad...

67. And no I needed to do this.

68. But overall I decided to stick with my stance.

69. Although I returned, to new a house with stiffness,

70. I thought maybe I can get used to this.

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I wish meditation works

I wish meditation works

By JFarrell

 

Trust me,

Today I so wish mindfulness meditation actually works;

Let my thoughts come and go

Without judgement

Without holding on,

Without clinging to them.

 

Every thought, every breath screams

“Need alcohol!”

Waking to my cats vomiting;

Four days waiting on a so-called friend,

To get in touch with me,

After spending time I haven’t got

Doing him a favour.

 

Just wish,

I could close my eyes,

Take a deep breath

And let it out.

 

Especially the anger,

The nuclear rage I am feeling.

I’ve tried,

But, every thought, every breath

Just feeds the nuclear reaction.

And I know there is more to mindfulness,

But thinking, without judgement is central

To how it works,

And I can’t achieve that.

 

If it wasn’t for my love’s smile,

Engraved upon my heart, my mind,

I would be totally lost at sea.

She is my anchor,

My salvation.

You know who you are,

I love you, absolutely.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope mindfulness meditation works for you

Your Fault, Do Something

Your Fault, Do Something

By JFarrell

 

Look around you;

This is all your fault

And mine.

 

The rich ever prospering,

The poor forever growing.

An 18 week old baby beaten to death;

Teenagers stabbing each other to death.

Food banks ever busier,

More and more hospitals closing;

If you’re old and need care,

Sell your home to pay for it.

 

And we won’t get into the wars,

The terrorism, the famines…

 

This is all your fault,

And mine.

So,

DO SOMETHING

GET INVOLVED.

Stop voting for liars,

Stop believing they are better than you,

They are not.

Get out there,

Feed the hungry,

Give hope,

Make a difference!

Let’s please stop closing our eyes,

Get out there

And make this world a better place.

 

Because if you don’t,

No-one will.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

are you angry yet?

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You're not welcome here.

You came about a month ago looking to stay the night

You just wanted a place for your kids to rest their head and you’d be gone in the morning light

A month has come and gone but your still here

Three extra mouth's to feed and you drank all the beer

We didn't have much, We gave you all we could 

You took it all and then asked for more 

No please

No thank you

No offer to help with the bills

My mother is afraid to tell you there's the door

As you have a bad temper that we don't want to appear 

Your kids are rambunctious and rude 

They have broken the cross my dearly departed Nan keep in her room 

My mother is in tears 

She doesn’t know what to do

My younger sister's won't leave their room

My mother has told me to shut my mouth and don't be rude

But soon that won't be enough 

You may be rough and tough 

But so am I

One more wrong move will be enough.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Let me know about any spelling mistakes. 

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