You’ve done it again. You’ve done it again, mate.
You went back on your word when you promised you’d stick with me in the long run.
Even if our passion moved far too quickly at first.
Before it simmered down to give us time to intercept our demons.
It should’ve been the other way around.
In an age where I can’t see your face nor can I hold your hand,
It’s become a force of habit that I wish I could stop partaking in.
I love too quickly because I am a freak scared of being molded into something I’m not.
Regardless of my desire, I still have to know what goes on in your own life.
That either excites you, scares you, angers you, saddens you, and soothes you.
I’d have to appreciate you before my infatuation gets the better of me and it evolves into love.
I never planned to stop caring even after finding out your weight was dangerously high.
I was reassured that you planned to take care of yourself, but you never knew that.
You didn’t know what to do nor what to say when I didn’t find out about your size sooner.
You didn’t want to shove me away, but you did.
You didn’t want to hurt me, but you did.
You said you were interested in me, but you weren’t.
You said you weren’t in it for short-term happiness, but you were.
All because you turned your back on me when I was willing to keep you tight regardless.
You are such a damn fraud that vies for a sugar bowl that I am fighting tirelessly to keep.
How many sorries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I could let you know when you get it to turn on.
But how can I notify you if you severed ties with me?
Since you ran away, an apology is as empty as your soul.
You turned out to be just like your exes and here I am, telling you, “Fuck your love quest.”
It’s not like you’re going to take it again anytime soon nevertheless.
Lonely pieces of crap only want to love when they wish for an early death.
Were you trying to gasp for air when the ocean took away your breath?
If you’re still wondering why you’ll never find love, I’ve got bad news for you.
The way you made my heart beat for you until you made a crack in it is the answer to your question.
You may never know this about me because I don’t always realize it myself.
But when I embrace a soul whose loyalty and compassion is unbreakable,
I realize that I am never alone.
They may face obstacles and heartaches of their own, but they never let them tear them apart.
One day, I’ll find love of my own and I continue to pray that it will be as true as my friendships.
What a shame that you’ll never see that I am never alone.
I did it again
It's a sin
Father forgive me
For I know what I do
I know what I choose
Time and time again
I choose Me over You
The first man condemned me
The last Man redeemed me
The inner man damns me
The new man reviles “Me”
I give up again
It's all I can do
So take “me” away
And fill me with You
For I know once I am more like You
I'll be the best Me I can be
I am sorry
you get
caught
on my
corners
escape
on my
edges
I am sorry
you have
nothing
to be jealous about
everything
to lose
The blades
on my
shoulders
will not
take sandpaper
The sounds
in my
head
will not
take no
for an answer
All the truth
I could tell
spells out for you
I can’t stand anything
I can’t change
so quiet is
the only place
I know how
to be sorry
I will try to
shout it to the sky
for you.
Even if I was not guilty,
I did beg apology,
Only since I loved you much so,
That you did know!
My love for you,
Was not an emblem of flaw,
It was rather a might,
As the sun’s light!
Indeed I did not become worthless,
By apologising before you, the faithless!
I'm sorry,
If sometimes I sound
And act like
I'm pushing you away.
I'm not scared
Of losing anything...
I didn't need
Anyone...
My life has no
Greater meaning
Until I met you.
It's just that I'm beginning
To love you beyond
I've ever felt before,
Beyond I ever thought
I could,
And it scares the hell
Out of me.
It scares me
Because I have a glitch-
The one you know of.
Some time in the past,
I've allowed myself
To love -
Unconditionally...
And though I know
You are different
And THIS is incomparable,
Loving too much
Triggers the me that was
Hurt too much
And when it happens,
Something inside of me
Shuts off.
And I get scared,
And I try to fight it off,
Pretending I'm okay
When I'm not.
Worse, in defense,
I foolishly build
This stupid wall,
Made of silly words-
Between us.
Wall of words
To gather courage
That I'm ready for
Anything
Because you and
Your happiness,
Mean everything
To me.
A wall I built,
As if I didn't know
That the warmth
Of your love and
The gentleness
Of your heart
Can see and pierce
Through it.
You know me better.
That I was dying
To be rescued.
You're still there
Unmoved, unshaken.
Hurt...
But waiting, patiently
With open arms-
For me.
I'm so, so, soooooooo very sorry.
If I sound
And act like
I'm pushing you away.
More than anything,
Despite my glitch,
Please...stay.
Do I have writers block?
Lost in a sea of thought!
Which idea to bring to dock.
So many subjects; but which I ought?
For many weeks now I have painted:
Enthralled by technique and result.
Then I remembered and almost fainted!!
I had neglected to write and had come to a halt.
Fellow poets and writers forgive my neglect.
I ponder still: and write this as an apology.
The seeds of thought process I must protect.
Until they are nutured; like my prodigy.
When my ideas and sensations have bloomed.
I shall write and the poetry will flow.
I will not think of my words as doomed.
But as a flowering bouquet full of life's glow.
It’s not you, it’s me;
an apology doused in insincerity.
5 words,
hold up your hand,
It’s the same shape I use to slap and brand.
To block out the sun, to not go blind.
To smile and wave, staying clandestine.
To wear a suit to get a job,
three fingers gone
part of a mob.
To cover my mouth
loose woman, loose tongue;
you give me safety scissors and a water gun.
A tailcoat, feather boa plea.
Wailing jesters joke on one knee,
on a piss covered floor, the show goes on.
Don’t tell anyone, slut, it was just for fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qbpaz-u5WIE
"oh, it was a horrible wrongdoing!
you should have been there,
the way he spoke to her,
after all she had gone through,
it made everyone want to
hang him...see him suffer good!
and what about the mother?
she was just as bad...
whacked out crack whore
too busy to even feed her own baby!
what should we do?
i say DEMAND an apology!
HANG the son-of-a-bitches,
but first make them suffer good!
why should we tolerate this crudity?
we ALL deserve an apology
at the very least!
who do they think they are?
don't they realize we are human beings?
we are deserving of RESPECT!!
the way they spoke to us is just plain wrong!!
we can't let them think they can get away with this!"
****************************
i listen to the words
of a small group of people
outside in the hallway
of the municipal court building
whilst waiting patiently
to pay my traffic ticket.
i am eavesdropping, yes,
one of the habits i have,
mostly due to my joy for people-watching.
but in this case,
also due to the fact that
i am upset with myself at the moment,
because one ticket in 12 years
has spurred me into a multi-faceted
voyage of self-introspection
that has now lasted for the past 3 weeks,
as getting tickets
has always been my
'personal summons' as well as
the financial penalty it so kindly
lavishes on my ever-dwindling checking account.
as a means to briefly escape
beating myself up for the past 3 weeks,
i take a short glimpse
into a different outlook
on the moment,
as i indulge in my own
little secret self-righteousness,
playing both judge and jury
on the indignant ones next to me in the hallway,
and reach an opinion of their complaints.
it goes like this:
first of all,lady, i don't know
what happened here,
but have you read the sign on the building
that says 'municipal court'?
that sort of means this is not a huge deal,
and the reason it isn't is because
this town is full of people just like you,
who think we have nothing better to do here
except have 'group therapy' all freaking day long.
second of all, you with the demand sign
and noose in your back pocket--
get a dam* grip on yourself,
before you die from your own mortification,
because it might come to your surprise,
that you aren't the first person in the world
to have someone call you out--
happens every day, you're just too self absorbed
to notice when it happens around you to others,
and furthurmore, the entire thing about
being a human being means that
nobody's flawless, so get over it, pal.
thirdly, not to make this a family gathering,
but all of your mothers must have
had one too many, the night before she
packed your 'social skills survival kit',
because she obviously forgot to tell you
that respect is a two way street,
and it doesn't happen just because
somebody did something wrong to you,
it's something you create with others,
and most times you create more of it for yourself
through your example of being it,
than you ever could with demands--
that's just the way it works.
so if you're saying you need an apology to
act like a decent respectful human being,
shame on you, i am embarrassed to
share the species with you, little miss perfect---
---and now I have to take a recess
because they just called my name!!
as i walk towards the door,
one of the women in the group
taps me on the arm. she holds in her hand two
shiny pennies, and looks up at me
saying, 'did you drop this'?
i look at her and can't help smiling a little,
'no, honey, i gave my two cents, that's for you'.
with a puzzled look on her face, i make
my way past and into the courtroom.
never did have to pay for that ticket.
turns out, the first ticket is considered
a second chance here... love it!
Court Is Adjourned!!
12:43 AM 7/2/2013