sexuality

The Elephant in My Cell

You came at a bad time.

A terribly, terribly bad time.

You showed up the moment I couldn’t stand to touch you.

I was afraid you were never going to come.

I should have been glad you came, but why am I not relieved?

Is it that crippling fear that the moment I touch you, you fade away like a ghost?

Is it that you might be a whistleblower looking for an insecurity to use against me later?

Or is it that you are trying to distract me from tending to my garden before it dies of thirst?

 

I want to shout, “Why didn’t you come sooner?!”

I want to shout, “Where were you when I needed you most?!”

I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Would it kill you to tell me what’s driving you away from me?!!”

But I am too nice. Too kind and gentle to scream and point to the elephant in the room.

The very elephant that a sorcerer pulled out of his hat and crippled both of my limbs.

 

I never wanted to call for help because it reinforces the notion that I should still be in high school.

I’ve crawled around all year avoiding the other teenage drama queens that worship dragons.

Seems like they forgot that dragons like to steal our fortunes and our hearts. Before they eat them.

 

Spending time with my open-minded little brother has planted a seed of doubt in my head.

A seed that gets me thinking that all love does to me is waste my time experimenting with false hope.

 

My imaginary nights with a fallen angel goes along the lines of;

“Yes, yes, honey, shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh, my love, how I yearn for you.

Pleasure me with your lust until the water in your veins runs out and you become a raisin.

Only then, will I toss you in the sun and wonder why the hell I’ve never gotten lucky.”

When will the water cycle end for the both of us?

What compels Venus to bewitch me to make bad choices?

Why else do you think independent seekers with degrees in hand avoid commitment?

Our grandparents and parents are more patient than our generation is now

Because compared to us, they tended to their gardens and their raisins.

You did a bang-up job tending to me by showering me with promises you can’t keep,

With complex wisdom about human nature, stories of your struggle to get your education over with,

And the snuggles and touches that I wished were real more than the chains I dream of shattering.

 

You’ve made this game look so easy, you know?

All that had impressed me about you lately is how you’ve lured me into your arms,

Only to neglect me without warning when the sun was at its hottest.

Part of me does not wish to see you go because I tolerate the pain that your absence has left behind.

You scarcely have time on your hands, but would you care to join me for a cup of jasmine tea?

It won’t take long. What I want to know next is what else is new that you have yet to tell me?

Fold

Folder: 
2018

I am drawn to you

like this I can’t help

but see your lips like a weapon

I will fall onto again and again

 

As much as I will

hold you through the night

I stumble into you

when you look at me like that

 

Stay or leave

Hold me down

Give me heaven

when you touch me

 

I sit here for hours

and I’m stuck on you

 

I will fold words

and moan them into your mouth

Lying here out of breath with you

sings the truth.

 

There is no way

I am leaving here

without kissing you again.

This is not a rescue,

this is pulling us inside out.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/11/18

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tags:

She beheld her Grace

 


Before his love,
she had been afraid
before his touch,
she had been ashamed

Mirrored in a gaze,
stormy blue
she beheld her Grace,
in clear view

He awoke in her a song
long repressed, so natural
then a dance, demanding rave
with beauty, raw and sensual 

He made her feel safe in love,
to yield to body and voice
he taught her it was always
something meant to be rejoiced



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Obsidian (Full Poem)

Taking hold of the chains,

dragging the weights

through the perlious

perdition, seeing no end

to the plight, obsidian shards

piercing the hooves, blood

leaving its mark on the wasted 

land, as the light of an uncertain day

fades dusk takes its place,

the heat of a long night beginning to set in,

with no moon or stars to lead the way

out of this labyrinth of thorns;

 

Complete mutilation, flesh stripped off the naked

form; trudging, step after step, nothing but the fear

of never seeing her again, the will shocks the system,

adrenaline secreted: sweat raining down on whats left,

open wounds filled up with a concoction of bodily fluids

 

Arriving at a junction, the clime molts its condition,

steam concealing the ravaged expanse; lungs 

filled with hot air, eyes showing their tears at last,

gaping pits of perfused lye; tempting just to plunge

in and bathe one last time, boiling like an egg, outer

shell dissolving, the soft vitals boyant in the solution,

pulling off the trigger and continuing  the balacing act,

restrained steps, slowly, tedious fear works it way down

the spine, cannot avoid letting go of the pain, too much to bear,

losing control, slipping , too hard, letting go, toss myself like

a stone, ripples, then sinking to the bottom of the hole, burning

 and exponentially blistering, one last gasp, a scream, then forever

asleep.

 

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Kind Of

Folder: 
2017

I am kind of asleep.

I am kind of screaming.

I am kind of lying.

I am kind of shaking.

I am kind of breaking the rules.

I am kind of on top of the world.

I am kind of on fire.

I am kind of in love with you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/31/17

Catch Your Breath

Folder: 
2017

There is no way to know how you hold me,

how your wishes leave dust on my skin

so I’ll tell you I have too many side weights to be here.

 

You run with the tigers but you don’t tell me,

wait for the crest but maybe this is it

so I’ll hold myself over you until you catch your breath.

 

Here you go, I say I still don’t know

push off loving you like you deserve

so the parachute tears my chest as I leave here again.

 

There is no way to know how I’ll touch you,

how when you catch your breath I always cave in

 

so please stay here like you let me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/20/17

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Destruction

Folder: 
2017

here we fall like the rain

we mend like destruction

and I am so ready to throw the shield,

drench you and let myself become

in a perfect world a lot of things could happen.

 

here we crash like the concrete

we’re saved like a storm

and I am not ready to be so ready,

living half a life and twice the passion on your skin

in a perfect world I would give you more than I thought possible.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/17/17

Angel

Folder: 
2017

It’s just a sliver of angel keeping me in line

I’ll say all the things I couldn’t before

and the shackles burn

now that I know I have nothing to prove.

 

I wish I could steal all your time,

pin it on the chances we didn’t take today,

I wish I could taste you

in a room we could never leave

so even after we’re past the passion I can breathe it in,

I hope you don’t think I’m confused and lonely,

I am shuddering in your arms,

I am so happy here.

 

I wish I could let you in

but only half of you is on the doorstep,

the choice I have made is not to tighten the knot

but I can’t

I don’t want to untie myself from you.

 

It’s just a rope keeping me from

taking the perfect wrong road I would love so much,

it’s just a sliver of angel keeping me from

making my name the only thing you can scream.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/16/17

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Selfish

Folder: 
2017

Tangled

messy

choices

your fingers mend with mine

your lips are my addiction

 

Can’t help

needing this

more than

I want to walk straight

 

Too many bridges

we can’t burn them down

we have so much fire

and no gasoline to keep us smoothed over,

we will cross this line

again and again

 

Tangled

messy

choices

I swallow you like the truth I can’t stop pushing off

 

If this is selfish

I never want to be selfless again.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/14/17

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