state of mind//world of body


and then there are the days

that are no more than impossible

they feel like something the world wrote down for me

as an outline or a moral

I should treat them as experiments-

if I can write this word I’ve made my own day

if I can make this doorway I’m coming home


wrestling with my mind as if

it is the one that belongs to me

I can almost hear the laughter

silly little girl

she thinks she knows what she’s doing

she thinks she knows who she is

and that autonomy isn’t a rope

I will rip out of her hands

as the seconds slip by

and she realizes how wrong this is going


I still miss you as much as I miss who I could have been

I know there has to be a state of mind


like when I stop moving and my body


a place I can’t feel this


there are the days

I have a mind that is taken over by these arms this heart this monster of a skin

sex with you is deliberate

a pattern we pick out

and is it too much to ask

to not want to know you’ll want me tomorrow

so it can come as a surprise

so something strikes deep in my chest

when you walk this way

and I don’t have to call it regret


I don’t think I know the way to make someone want

and I keep losing the way with you

leaving pebbles and pepper and heartache every place I think I should kiss

letting my eyes wander and losing my center of balance

I leave already in lust with you

I have all of the burning but none of the rules

no compass for this world of body


I want to be someone’s bright and someone’s story

I reach out to every hand and dust slips through my fingers

I don’t think I know the way to separate my mind from what holds it

to carry myself the right way and still carry these thoughts

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/26/21

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Mirror (January day 4)

My body says hello

My body says real

My body says no shame


My body says cracks are a good thing


My body says it is usually sad

but that doesn’t keep it from enjoying itself


My body says it will fuck you for fun first

(and then a second time for exercise)


My body says there is not a day it hasn’t seen

My body says if you stare too long the door will close and it can be just as it wants to again


My body says it will eat cake with you

when the world is too loud to go outside


and once the explosions have gone back to where they came from

my body says

we can replace that chaos

it is time to take as many steps as it wants outside the door.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/4/21


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heart flip


this is new.


this is

there used to be a light

and someone has turned it off

in front of my face

but for years I thought I could still see

before I went half blind


this is

what do I want

strong soft





they tell you

lean on a shoulder

when you’re stumbling

but I started this at sundown and there are too many trails

now I am all alone and it is midnight and I can’t find the moon

I can’t find the things that have always been there and

this is my finish line to cross


this was supposed to be a simple walk

done before dark but

it has turned into fighting a clear path through a storm


I used to be able to love without second-guessing but

now you are a given,

nothing else is

how am I supposed to find solid ground when I can’t feel my own body

how am I supposed to love you like I did when I can’t spell the sentences of my own love letters

I don’t know how to reach through my own heart

and find what I needed a thousand years ago

how am I supposed to need you

when I don’t know what I need


this is

being tossed under waves I thought were freshwater

and getting a lungful of salt


this is

not fitting in the mold they have given me

or the one I gave myself


this is

forgetting everything about the words supposed to


and running on





Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/5/20

we love questioning our sexuality...again

The Elephant in My Cell

You came at a bad time.

A terribly, terribly bad time.

You showed up the moment I couldn’t stand to touch you.

I was afraid you were never going to come.

I should have been glad you came, but why am I not relieved?

Is it that crippling fear that the moment I touch you, you fade away like a ghost?

Is it that you might be a whistleblower looking for an insecurity to use against me later?

Or is it that you are trying to distract me from tending to my garden before it dies of thirst?


I want to shout, “Why didn’t you come sooner?!”

I want to shout, “Where were you when I needed you most?!”

I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Would it kill you to tell me what’s driving you away from me?!!”

But I am too nice. Too kind and gentle to scream and point to the elephant in the room.

The very elephant that a sorcerer pulled out of his hat and crippled both of my limbs.


I never wanted to call for help because it reinforces the notion that I should still be in high school.

I’ve crawled around all year avoiding the other teenage drama queens that worship dragons.

Seems like they forgot that dragons like to steal our fortunes and our hearts. Before they eat them.


Spending time with my open-minded little brother has planted a seed of doubt in my head.

A seed that gets me thinking that all love does to me is waste my time experimenting with false hope.


My imaginary nights with a fallen angel goes along the lines of;

“Yes, yes, honey, shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh, my love, how I yearn for you.

Pleasure me with your lust until the water in your veins runs out and you become a raisin.

Only then, will I toss you in the sun and wonder why the hell I’ve never gotten lucky.”

When will the water cycle end for the both of us?

What compels Venus to bewitch me to make bad choices?

Why else do you think independent seekers with degrees in hand avoid commitment?

Our grandparents and parents are more patient than our generation is now

Because compared to us, they tended to their gardens and their raisins.

You did a bang-up job tending to me by showering me with promises you can’t keep,

With complex wisdom about human nature, stories of your struggle to get your education over with,

And the snuggles and touches that I wished were real more than the chains I dream of shattering.


You’ve made this game look so easy, you know?

All that had impressed me about you lately is how you’ve lured me into your arms,

Only to neglect me without warning when the sun was at its hottest.

Part of me does not wish to see you go because I tolerate the pain that your absence has left behind.

You scarcely have time on your hands, but would you care to join me for a cup of jasmine tea?

It won’t take long. What I want to know next is what else is new that you have yet to tell me?



I am drawn to you

like this I can’t help

but see your lips like a weapon

I will fall onto again and again


As much as I will

hold you through the night

I stumble into you

when you look at me like that


Stay or leave

Hold me down

Give me heaven

when you touch me


I sit here for hours

and I’m stuck on you


I will fold words

and moan them into your mouth

Lying here out of breath with you

sings the truth.


There is no way

I am leaving here

without kissing you again.

This is not a rescue,

this is pulling us inside out.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/11/18

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She beheld her Grace


Before his love,
she had been afraid
before his touch,
she had been ashamed

Mirrored in a gaze,
stormy blue
she beheld her Grace,
in clear view

He awoke in her a song
long repressed, so natural
then a dance, demanding rave
with beauty, raw and sensual 

He made her feel safe in love,
to yield to body and voice
he taught her it was always
something meant to be rejoiced

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Obsidian (Full Poem)

Taking hold of the chains,

dragging the weights

through the perlious

perdition, seeing no end

to the plight, obsidian shards

piercing the hooves, blood

leaving its mark on the wasted 

land, as the light of an uncertain day

fades dusk takes its place,

the heat of a long night beginning to set in,

with no moon or stars to lead the way

out of this labyrinth of thorns;


Complete mutilation, flesh stripped off the naked

form; trudging, step after step, nothing but the fear

of never seeing her again, the will shocks the system,

adrenaline secreted: sweat raining down on whats left,

open wounds filled up with a concoction of bodily fluids


Arriving at a junction, the clime molts its condition,

steam concealing the ravaged expanse; lungs 

filled with hot air, eyes showing their tears at last,

gaping pits of perfused lye; tempting just to plunge

in and bathe one last time, boiling like an egg, outer

shell dissolving, the soft vitals boyant in the solution,

pulling off the trigger and continuing  the balacing act,

restrained steps, slowly, tedious fear works it way down

the spine, cannot avoid letting go of the pain, too much to bear,

losing control, slipping , too hard, letting go, toss myself like

a stone, ripples, then sinking to the bottom of the hole, burning

 and exponentially blistering, one last gasp, a scream, then forever



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Kind Of


I am kind of asleep.

I am kind of screaming.

I am kind of lying.

I am kind of shaking.

I am kind of breaking the rules.

I am kind of on top of the world.

I am kind of on fire.

I am kind of in love with you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/31/17

Catch Your Breath


There is no way to know how you hold me,

how your wishes leave dust on my skin

so I’ll tell you I have too many side weights to be here.


You run with the tigers but you don’t tell me,

wait for the crest but maybe this is it

so I’ll hold myself over you until you catch your breath.


Here you go, I say I still don’t know

push off loving you like you deserve

so the parachute tears my chest as I leave here again.


There is no way to know how I’ll touch you,

how when you catch your breath I always cave in


so please stay here like you let me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/20/17

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