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The tears fall,

Harder and faster,

My mind breaks,

Splits and fractures,

Torn in different ways,

How can I stay?

Im not wanted,

Useless and a burden,

Life seems meaningless,

Walked off the forest path,

Lost inside my own mind,

The cold,

Dark and forboding,

An icy chill with no wind,

Shattered sound in the distance,

The beast is coming,

Its knocking at my door,

Howling at the moon,

Eyes black with hate,

Pointy fangs grinning,

I want it to rip me apart,

Limb from limb,

Drink my body dry,

Savour the taste of my soul,

The destructive energy,

The unrelenting force,

Power,

Silver tongue gleaming,

A quick flick,

A red droplet escapes,

I feel the teeth sink in,

My flesh inviting this beast closer,

Deeper and deeper it bites,

Never looking away from my eyes,

It knows Im trapped,

Frozen to the spot,

My life ebbing slowly,

Each heartbeat a little fainter,

Drinking deep from my wrist,

The beast never misses another drop,

I can feel the tongue slicing,

My blood racing out,

The beast grins one last time,

It wants my soul,

A final meal,

Instead it leaves me there,

A pool of nothing,

Even my beast doesnt want me.

today I realized

all my connections

(the ones I’ve kept)

have chosen me

and I have just

sat there

with my eyes closed

and let them

for once

I want to

choose

I want to

chase you

sat atop a hill of my own creation
a pile of memories and refuse
the mountain of my own damnation
hands; moss covered from disuse

like trails of tears on ruddy flesh
crystals of salt divide the path
unpassable peaks enshrouded in mesh
lifeless bodies; an aftermath

peering down from the summit of my undoing
these eyes can finally see the truth
The air is thick with the storm thats brewing
the tangled whispers of wasted youth

a crown of twisted, rusted metal sits atop my head
dominion over my own land of crumpled, broken bone
trying hard to pull my subjects with a tattered thread
the people don't stray close to here for fear of being stoned

the sun still lights the terrain, horizon
weeping, I clear the way
desperately, making space to wizen
alas, lonely still I lay

is it that

even surrounded by people

I am alone?

maybe I just imagined someone

calling my name

When, 'I'm fine'

becomes your generic answer,

because you know well,

they don't really care about the truth.

When tears just randomly fall,

in a silent, steady succession

and you never knew

...you were even crying.

When you actually,

physically ache inside,

from being so bereft

of even simple human touch.

When the only times

your cries are even heard

by anyone who'd care,

is within' your own head.

When you just want to run-

just start running,

but knowing full well,

you've nowhere, and no one, to run.

When your own traitorous voice

calls out inside you, screaming:

'Outcast! Unlovable! Unworthy!

Why don't you fight back!?

What's wrong with you!???'

And you simply whisper back, 'I'm fine.'

You’ve done it again. You’ve done it again, mate.

You went back on your word when you promised you’d stick with me in the long run.

Even if our passion moved far too quickly at first.

Before it simmered down to give us time to intercept our demons.

It should’ve been the other way around.

In an age where I can’t see your face nor can I hold your hand,

It’s become a force of habit that I wish I could stop partaking in.

I love too quickly because I am a freak scared of being molded into something I’m not.

Regardless of my desire, I still have to know what goes on in your own life.

That either excites you, scares you, angers you, saddens you, and soothes you.

I’d have to appreciate you before my infatuation gets the better of me and it evolves into love.

I never planned to stop caring even after finding out your weight was dangerously high.

I was reassured that you planned to take care of yourself, but you never knew that.

You didn’t know what to do nor what to say when I didn’t find out about your size sooner.

You didn’t want to shove me away, but you did.

You didn’t want to hurt me, but you did.

You said you were interested in me, but you weren’t.

You said you weren’t in it for short-term happiness, but you were.

All because you turned your back on me when I was willing to keep you tight regardless.

You are such a damn fraud that vies for a sugar bowl that I am fighting tirelessly to keep.

How many sorries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I could let you know when you get it to turn on.

But how can I notify you if you severed ties with me?

Since you ran away, an apology is as empty as your soul.

You turned out to be just like your exes and here I am, telling you, “Fuck your love quest.”

It’s not like you’re going to take it again anytime soon nevertheless.

Lonely pieces of crap only want to love when they wish for an early death.

Were you trying to gasp for air when the ocean took away your breath?

If you’re still wondering why you’ll never find love, I’ve got bad news for you.

The way you made my heart beat for you until you made a crack in it is the answer to your question.

You may never know this about me because I don’t always realize it myself.

But when I embrace a soul whose loyalty and compassion is unbreakable,

I realize that I am never alone.

They may face obstacles and heartaches of their own, but they never let them tear them apart.

One day, I’ll find love of my own and I continue to pray that it will be as true as my friendships.

What a shame that you’ll never see that I am never alone.

It was Day 1 when it was scorching hot and we crossed paths.

I was looking for an oasis to drink from,

Though a hug from you was a thousand times better

Because afterwards, we went swimming in the lake and laughed at the gold diggers passing by.

Poor men were oblivious that they mined their last nugget in this desert.

It was Day 2 when we continued our journey.

You introduced me to your bitches when you brought me home.

One licked me silly while the second took a while to come around.

It was only trying to judge me to see if I would be a menace to your family.

I’ve always liked the playful, funny, and carefree breeds.

It was Day 3 when you showed me your larger-than-life garden.

You spoke of how your brother and mother had toiled day and night tending to it.

The garden was shaped like the number 5 and I couldn’t be happier.

You regaled me with stories of an ancient civilization that once existed in this land of the dead.

Every word from your tongue between breaths was like a missing page in a book lost in time.

It was Day 4 when I crawled on my knees after a beating from a two-faced sergeant

Looking for you so you could lift me back on my two feet and hold me close

But to add insult to injury, you held your scorn like you should’ve held my hands.

So I passed out on the floor and was left for dead out in the open.

How do indecisive weeds like you sleep at night?

It was Day 5 when I woke up expecting you’d be there, but your home was empty.

Your garden was withered and the magic was gone so it turns out that it was all a mirage.

You can rationalize your actions and demonize me any way you like,

But when you save your second thoughts for one minute before midnight,

It’s goodbye and good riddance to you weeds.

So I left. It was better for me to abandon you before you inevitably did the same.

The world is full of snakes and trojans as it is.

It’s best for me to give them a dose of their own venom as soon as I see right through them.

You should’ve told me earlier rather than at the last minute.

Or when I have fallen and can’t get up.

Then maybe we could’ve still been friends.

But now you’re just another silhouette that shears hearts like hedges.

If you’re looking to post an ad requesting company in a moment of loneliness,

Think again before you shatter another heart or wager your sanity.

A weed ain’t cut out for love, let alone a friendship

If it can’t make up its mind and let its loneliness fog its judgment.

Poor guy should’ve inspected the thorns before he picked the rose.

Now it’s my turn to wager a few things,

I bet you don’t even miss me.

I bet you feigned regret that you added salt in the wound.

I bet that you’ll forget all about me after the weekend I disappeared.

I bet you’ll cower in the arms of the two bitches you value most in life.

I bet you’ll start looking for another soul that you’ll pray to Aphrodite you won’t screw over.

Whatever happens to you, I am grateful that I have kin to keep tight

And an adventure I continue to embark on in the desert with or without you there for me.

You’re just another silhouette that shears hearts like hedges.

I was born 41 years ago today, 

A waste of life is what it's been.

I've never felt so worthless, I wish I didn't feel this way. 

It's true though. I've never been good enough for anyone, 

I'm a horrible mother and the worst girlfriend you could imagine. 

Life as me isn't much fun. 

I wish I could throw these feelings out the door. 

Find sunshine among the darkness and gloom 

Smile and laugh once more. 

But it all feels so pointless right now. 

Like I'll never smile again

I wish I Weren't a coward somehow

I'd make all this pain go away. 

I'd bite the bullet and grab a gun

And never see another birthday.