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When, 'I'm fine'

becomes your generic answer,

because you know well,

they don't really care about the truth.

When tears just randomly fall,

in a silent, steady succession

and you never knew

...you were even crying.

When you actually,

physically ache inside,

from being so bereft

of even simple human touch.

When the only times

your cries are even heard

by anyone who'd care,

is within' your own head.

When you just want to run-

just start running,

but knowing full well,

you've nowhere, and no one, to run.

When your own traitorous voice

calls out inside you, screaming:

'Outcast! Unlovable! Unworthy!

Why don't you fight back!?

What's wrong with you!???'

And you simply whisper back, 'I'm fine.'

You’ve done it again. You’ve done it again, mate.

You went back on your word when you promised you’d stick with me in the long run.

Even if our passion moved far too quickly at first.

Before it simmered down to give us time to intercept our demons.

It should’ve been the other way around.

In an age where I can’t see your face nor can I hold your hand,

It’s become a force of habit that I wish I could stop partaking in.

I love too quickly because I am a freak scared of being molded into something I’m not.

Regardless of my desire, I still have to know what goes on in your own life.

That either excites you, scares you, angers you, saddens you, and soothes you.

I’d have to appreciate you before my infatuation gets the better of me and it evolves into love.

I never planned to stop caring even after finding out your weight was dangerously high.

I was reassured that you planned to take care of yourself, but you never knew that.

You didn’t know what to do nor what to say when I didn’t find out about your size sooner.

You didn’t want to shove me away, but you did.

You didn’t want to hurt me, but you did.

You said you were interested in me, but you weren’t.

You said you weren’t in it for short-term happiness, but you were.

All because you turned your back on me when I was willing to keep you tight regardless.

You are such a damn fraud that vies for a sugar bowl that I am fighting tirelessly to keep.

How many sorries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I could let you know when you get it to turn on.

But how can I notify you if you severed ties with me?

Since you ran away, an apology is as empty as your soul.

You turned out to be just like your exes and here I am, telling you, “Fuck your love quest.”

It’s not like you’re going to take it again anytime soon nevertheless.

Lonely pieces of crap only want to love when they wish for an early death.

Were you trying to gasp for air when the ocean took away your breath?

If you’re still wondering why you’ll never find love, I’ve got bad news for you.

The way you made my heart beat for you until you made a crack in it is the answer to your question.

You may never know this about me because I don’t always realize it myself.

But when I embrace a soul whose loyalty and compassion is unbreakable,

I realize that I am never alone.

They may face obstacles and heartaches of their own, but they never let them tear them apart.

One day, I’ll find love of my own and I continue to pray that it will be as true as my friendships.

What a shame that you’ll never see that I am never alone.

It was Day 1 when it was scorching hot and we crossed paths.

I was looking for an oasis to drink from,

Though a hug from you was a thousand times better

Because afterwards, we went swimming in the lake and laughed at the gold diggers passing by.

Poor men were oblivious that they mined their last nugget in this desert.

It was Day 2 when we continued our journey.

You introduced me to your bitches when you brought me home.

One licked me silly while the second took a while to come around.

It was only trying to judge me to see if I would be a menace to your family.

I’ve always liked the playful, funny, and carefree breeds.

It was Day 3 when you showed me your larger-than-life garden.

You spoke of how your brother and mother had toiled day and night tending to it.

The garden was shaped like the number 5 and I couldn’t be happier.

You regaled me with stories of an ancient civilization that once existed in this land of the dead.

Every word from your tongue between breaths was like a missing page in a book lost in time.

It was Day 4 when I crawled on my knees after a beating from a two-faced sergeant

Looking for you so you could lift me back on my two feet and hold me close

But to add insult to injury, you held your scorn like you should’ve held my hands.

So I passed out on the floor and was left for dead out in the open.

How do indecisive weeds like you sleep at night?

It was Day 5 when I woke up expecting you’d be there, but your home was empty.

Your garden was withered and the magic was gone so it turns out that it was all a mirage.

You can rationalize your actions and demonize me any way you like,

But when you save your second thoughts for one minute before midnight,

It’s goodbye and good riddance to you weeds.

So I left. It was better for me to abandon you before you inevitably did the same.

The world is full of snakes and trojans as it is.

It’s best for me to give them a dose of their own venom as soon as I see right through them.

You should’ve told me earlier rather than at the last minute.

Or when I have fallen and can’t get up.

Then maybe we could’ve still been friends.

But now you’re just another silhouette that shears hearts like hedges.

If you’re looking to post an ad requesting company in a moment of loneliness,

Think again before you shatter another heart or wager your sanity.

A weed ain’t cut out for love, let alone a friendship

If it can’t make up its mind and let its loneliness fog its judgment.

Poor guy should’ve inspected the thorns before he picked the rose.

Now it’s my turn to wager a few things,

I bet you don’t even miss me.

I bet you feigned regret that you added salt in the wound.

I bet that you’ll forget all about me after the weekend I disappeared.

I bet you’ll cower in the arms of the two bitches you value most in life.

I bet you’ll start looking for another soul that you’ll pray to Aphrodite you won’t screw over.

Whatever happens to you, I am grateful that I have kin to keep tight

And an adventure I continue to embark on in the desert with or without you there for me.

You’re just another silhouette that shears hearts like hedges.

I was born 41 years ago today, 

A waste of life is what it's been.

I've never felt so worthless, I wish I didn't feel this way. 

It's true though. I've never been good enough for anyone, 

I'm a horrible mother and the worst girlfriend you could imagine. 

Life as me isn't much fun. 

I wish I could throw these feelings out the door. 

Find sunshine among the darkness and gloom 

Smile and laugh once more. 

But it all feels so pointless right now. 

Like I'll never smile again

I wish I Weren't a coward somehow

I'd make all this pain go away. 

I'd bite the bullet and grab a gun

And never see another birthday. 

Passion
Thrashing
To grab you
My future
Our culture
Combined, intertwined
Meant to be
You and me

You left
It's for the best if
I jumped off a cliff and
Ran away
Go away
Emotions canned
Love is banned
I need you
Come back
Love is what I lack

I see all the little shadows,

I claim to be only a curse.

I am only a memory after all.

I breathe and make everything worse.

I am built of the moments they left me.

I run in the sand just to cry.

I stand and the floor drops underneath.

I don’t know the words, they’ve slipped by.

They trust me, they say I am the poet.

They tell me I’ll make it someday.

But how can I be the right poet

when I say the right words the wrong way?

All the tidal waves push past me.

I float off the ground

my steps are so heavy when there’s no one around

I have to keep making sure I am solid

I can’t stay rounded

when I’m forced into corners and suffocating

I smile at blank faces in the hallways

on days that I feel like a sixth grader

with nowhere to sit

and now here I am with my crooked teeth

expecting you all to believe me.

I hang the sun from my shoelaces

I say I say I say I still think the world is beautiful

I say I say I keep saying I’m fine

Repeat with me this punch line

we’ve all understood

when the hands creep in

and all the silence

comes knocking at our doors.

Before my blood is old and forgotten

I want to spill it glittering

onto your words and make me lighter,

feather enough to take flight.

And then our lips touch,

there are so many more places to sit,

so many audiences to follow my pen.

When my heart is bound to beat out of this living

I look out at the crowd

and they all have your smell,

your eyes,

your handwriting,

you touch me with hands that don’t sink through

and I am solid,

I am something,

I am yours,

we are home.

Now I am with you

and I won’t float off the ground anymore.

Loneliness

By jfarrell

It’s not about people,

Or numbers of people;

You spend time with hundreds of people everyday,

Some of them the same people…..

But,

When you can’t connect… make a link… a spark….

People I’ve known 20 years are as connected

As people I see on tv or films….

To me, that is.

I stop the film, the tv show….

I go home from work…

These people just cease to exist

Until tomorrow,

When I see them again.

Loneliness is about not connecting with people….

And, what is ‘connecting with people’…..?

I don’t know how to define that….

I assume it’s an ‘emotional’ connection….

“We got a spark between us, we have.”

That’s emotional, right?

Or just old corny chat up lines?

When you think of ‘mum’ or ‘dad’….

There’s an emotional element to it?….

Love?…. loyalty?…..

I have a mum I hate;

A sister I still won’t see after nearly 36 years;

And recently said goodbye,

To the only “friends” I had.

To have ‘connected’….

With someone…..

Ever….

It’s not about people;

It’s about connecting with people.

And I don’t know how to connect.