# #life #suffering #sadness #pain #love #relationships

Never again be whole

As I sit here with despair in my heart

I feel all the love we have falling apart

You are unable to provide the bare minimum to me

This shows me the eventually that I will leave

You do not have any respect for me

 

Maybe somewhere along the line 

I knew this day would come

Could I have imagined all the things you kept from me

Never

I was not aware that you were so disgusting

 

Secret texts

secret pictures and videos

long conversations

plans to hook up

Why is it that I am never enough

 

Are you no longer attracted to me

Have we been in this too long

Why make the choice to do things behind my back

Just leave 

I'm not keeping you here

I want you here for some painful reason

 

You've made me addicted to you

addicted to the pain

addicted to the bare minimum you provide

I am use to nothing

I am nothing

I feel empty inside until you bring me to life

The only time i feel seen or heard is when were fucking

or sexual banter

Why do I allow you to treat me this way

 

I need to leave 

says my mind

My heart wants to stay

 

Fuck you

Fuck this

I am more than enough

Some day I will leave 

Some day I will go

Until then

I will continue with this journey alone

 

Thanks for turning into the person 

I never could have imagined

Kudos to you for this act you held up so long

Say goodbye to the girl that you use to know

I am a fucking shell of a person

I will never again be whole

 

 

Show me what to do

I know you feel my energy shifting

you Pretend to be attentive to me

i think your only watching and waiting for something

your not sure what I know 

 

I am so sad 

I'm not sure you even notice that 

you chalk it up to being moody 

 

I admit I am not myself

I am the version you created

 

you filled my head with these thoughts that you were my forever 

to have this person lie to your face

no remorse 

only retract the statement once I say I know the truth 

 

I hate myself

i hate being this woman

you created her 

you don't get to tell me how to feel 

how to heal 

 

every day is a struggle 

I can't concentrate 

I can't communicate 

I pretend to be happy and fine 

but in my quiet moments I can't control my mind

 

my thinking is overwhelming 

I can't get it to stop 

how do I 

move on

 

i need full disclosure 

I need the truth 

all or nothing 

 I don't know if I can carry on this fictions smile 

hiding back my struggles

my thoughts 

my feelings 

 

I just want to know what to do 

I need another sign 

god I am calling out to you 

I am so heartbroken 

so lost and confused 

please help show me what to do 

 

walk away

I feel disconnected

I feel alone

I don't understand where we went wrong

I don't know who you are anymore

 

I have never felt so alone 

I have never felt so damaged

 

I feel that you use to love me

I feel that you use to care

Now I don't know

Now I'm not sure

 

When you have kids you loose yourself

Did I loose you too 

 

What do you want 

Why do you stay

 

I can't take this anymore

I suffer in silence afraid to say anything

I know there is more you haven't disclosed

I can't heal until I know everything

 

Will you provide me with that knowledge

If not I can't heal

I can't stay

I will never be the same person again

I am damaged 

Still recovering from you

 

I don't even think you realize how you treat me

I don't think you realize when i'm sad

Do you know every night i lay in bed broken

wide awake

thinking

feeling

disconnected from you

For you to only turn me down every time

For you to be peacefully sleeping like nothing is wrong

 

I wish I could say how I feel 

I am so fucking afraid of how you will react

If I lose you 

 

I'm so disconnected I feel as if ive already left 

i'm terrified ive lost you

i'm terrified ive lost myself to you

if i'm so terrified why can't I tell you these things I need to say

i've already feared loosing you what's the worst that can happen

 

I need to have the conversation

I need to know 

I want to move on

I can't trust until I know everything

I know you will never share

 

What are we both doing here

What is the end goal 

If we are both not on the same page then we need to fucking walk away

Turn me down

When you turn Me down 

I feel disconnected 

when did this start 

youve always been ready to go

now I feel a burden 

constantly making sexual jokes 

sexual advances 

only to be left to care for myself 

I want to feel connected 

I want to feel loved 

now I feel pathetic and unloved knowing I'm not turning you on 

knowing someone else possibly  is 

Checked Out

What if I were injured 

Would you care

What if I god forbid got cancer

would you be there

 

I feel a burden to you

 

I feel that you would never show

 

Pat me on my back and send me on my way

 

Telling me I got it

 

I can figure it out

 

I'm strong

 

I would be there for you in a second

In a hearbeat 

I would support you

motivate you

love you

 

why don't i feel that you would do the same

I feel like you would make me feel bad

make me feel insecure like a burden that you don't want to be there

 

I feel alone

I feel a burden

I feel like I experience our relationship on my own

 

When will we be two people experiencing as one

 

When will you have the dreaded conversation that you have already checked out

I wish you felt the same way that I feel about you

Lost in time 

I can not get back

Lost in love

I can not receive

 

I sit here day after day wondering where we stand

I don't feel loved

I feel alone

 

you tell me you love me

you say to me that your faithful 

you say to me that if you didn't want to be here you wouldn't

then why do i feel this way

why do i feel that something shady is going on 

something your not being honest about

 

all the while i am here

slowly fading

loosing myself in thought

loosing myself in hope

I've lost myself for someone else

which is a fucking joke

 

Please just comfort me

tell me it's alright

tell me it's in my head 

 

I can't be the girl I was before I noticed these things

 

I'm a new broken version 

 

You don't even want to deal with this version of me

threatning to leave

 

How does that help my security by saying you'll leave

 

I feel more alone now than ever 

On my own

putting on a face for everyone

including my kids

no one will ever know 

the pain and pure sadness underneath 

I feel like a new person 

someone i no longer like

I try to add to my beuaty on the outside to help with the pain and ugliness raging inside

 

please have the conversation i desperately need

please don't string me along

 

I don't know our story

I don't know our outcome

I know what I want

I know what I love

I wish I felt that you feel the same way about me as I do you

Rely on me

When can I expect to feel again 

when will my sorrow catch up to me

 

you've turned me into this 

a fucking bitch with no remorse 

nothing to gain 

no happiness

always In pain 

 

thank you for all you've done 

you've shown me I can only ever rely on me 

Couldn’t care

Lying down 

trying to sleep 

I'm so hurt 

I can't even breath 

 

fighting for air 

drowning my sorrows 

 

all the whole you are trying to sleep 

getting prepared for tomorrow's day 

 

why can't you see my pain 

do you no longer care

 

when was I tossed aside like I didn't matter

I am so hurt 

I am so sad

i feel alone 

while you lay next to me

why must I feel like this 

 

why is it so hard for you to communicate 

the blank stares 

not paying attention 

the lack of vocalization 

I'm not a fucking child 

you make me feel insane 

I just want to be the way we were before I started to feel this way 

 

I want to be happy 

is it too much to ask

 

your bringing me down 

why the fuck won't you leave if your unhappy 

why make me miserable too

i love you

i always will 

Im starting to wonder if you ever did 

or if I was convient for you 

helping you rise up

while you were lifted up

i was pushed down 

 

I'm crying 

bleeding 

what have I done 

 

I've ended my despair 

for a fucking guy who couldn't even care I was here 

Not a care in the wold

I lay in silence 

I lay wide awake 

wondering what I did to deserve this fate 

 

when did I loose you

was it long ago

was it to some girl you've been entertaining on the down low

 

i offer sexual advances 

you turn me down

i ask to hold you or cuddle

I'm made to feel like im asking too much

 

all of this sadness is too much to bear 

my eyes are dripping wet 

I can't stop the rain

my heart is broken 

why have you made me feel this way

 

what have I done 

what can I undo 

why do I feel so empty lying beside you

 

i want you here 

I want a life with you

why are you here

if you don't want those things too 

 

I will eventually get some sleep

as I choke back my tears 

muffling my crying 

my sadness

my loneliness 

while you sleep peacefully 

not a care in the world