As I sit here with despair in my heart
I feel all the love we have falling apart
You are unable to provide the bare minimum to me
This shows me the eventually that I will leave
You do not have any respect for me
Maybe somewhere along the line
I knew this day would come
Could I have imagined all the things you kept from me
Never
I was not aware that you were so disgusting
Secret texts
secret pictures and videos
long conversations
plans to hook up
Why is it that I am never enough
Are you no longer attracted to me
Have we been in this too long
Why make the choice to do things behind my back
Just leave
I'm not keeping you here
I want you here for some painful reason
You've made me addicted to you
addicted to the pain
addicted to the bare minimum you provide
I am use to nothing
I am nothing
I feel empty inside until you bring me to life
The only time i feel seen or heard is when were fucking
or sexual banter
Why do I allow you to treat me this way
I need to leave
says my mind
My heart wants to stay
Fuck you
Fuck this
I am more than enough
Some day I will leave
Some day I will go
Until then
I will continue with this journey alone
Thanks for turning into the person
I never could have imagined
Kudos to you for this act you held up so long
Say goodbye to the girl that you use to know
I am a fucking shell of a person
I will never again be whole
I know you feel my energy shifting
you Pretend to be attentive to me
i think your only watching and waiting for something
your not sure what I know
I am so sad
I'm not sure you even notice that
you chalk it up to being moody
I admit I am not myself
I am the version you created
you filled my head with these thoughts that you were my forever
to have this person lie to your face
no remorse
only retract the statement once I say I know the truth
I hate myself
i hate being this woman
you created her
you don't get to tell me how to feel
how to heal
every day is a struggle
I can't concentrate
I can't communicate
I pretend to be happy and fine
but in my quiet moments I can't control my mind
my thinking is overwhelming
I can't get it to stop
how do I
move on
i need full disclosure
I need the truth
all or nothing
I don't know if I can carry on this fictions smile
hiding back my struggles
my thoughts
my feelings
I just want to know what to do
I need another sign
god I am calling out to you
I am so heartbroken
so lost and confused
please help show me what to do
I feel disconnected
I feel alone
I don't understand where we went wrong
I don't know who you are anymore
I have never felt so alone
I have never felt so damaged
I feel that you use to love me
I feel that you use to care
Now I don't know
Now I'm not sure
When you have kids you loose yourself
Did I loose you too
What do you want
Why do you stay
I can't take this anymore
I suffer in silence afraid to say anything
I know there is more you haven't disclosed
I can't heal until I know everything
Will you provide me with that knowledge
If not I can't heal
I can't stay
I will never be the same person again
I am damaged
Still recovering from you
I don't even think you realize how you treat me
I don't think you realize when i'm sad
Do you know every night i lay in bed broken
wide awake
thinking
feeling
disconnected from you
For you to only turn me down every time
For you to be peacefully sleeping like nothing is wrong
I wish I could say how I feel
I am so fucking afraid of how you will react
If I lose you
I'm so disconnected I feel as if ive already left
i'm terrified ive lost you
i'm terrified ive lost myself to you
if i'm so terrified why can't I tell you these things I need to say
i've already feared loosing you what's the worst that can happen
I need to have the conversation
I need to know
I want to move on
I can't trust until I know everything
I know you will never share
What are we both doing here
What is the end goal
If we are both not on the same page then we need to fucking walk away
When you turn Me down
I feel disconnected
when did this start
youve always been ready to go
now I feel a burden
constantly making sexual jokes
sexual advances
only to be left to care for myself
I want to feel connected
I want to feel loved
now I feel pathetic and unloved knowing I'm not turning you on
knowing someone else possibly is
What if I were injured
Would you care
What if I god forbid got cancer
would you be there
I feel a burden to you
I feel that you would never show
Pat me on my back and send me on my way
Telling me I got it
I can figure it out
I'm strong
I would be there for you in a second
In a hearbeat
I would support you
motivate you
love you
why don't i feel that you would do the same
I feel like you would make me feel bad
make me feel insecure like a burden that you don't want to be there
I feel alone
I feel a burden
I feel like I experience our relationship on my own
When will we be two people experiencing as one
When will you have the dreaded conversation that you have already checked out
Lost in time
I can not get back
Lost in love
I can not receive
I sit here day after day wondering where we stand
I don't feel loved
I feel alone
you tell me you love me
you say to me that your faithful
you say to me that if you didn't want to be here you wouldn't
then why do i feel this way
why do i feel that something shady is going on
something your not being honest about
all the while i am here
slowly fading
loosing myself in thought
loosing myself in hope
I've lost myself for someone else
which is a fucking joke
Please just comfort me
tell me it's alright
tell me it's in my head
I can't be the girl I was before I noticed these things
I'm a new broken version
You don't even want to deal with this version of me
threatning to leave
How does that help my security by saying you'll leave
I feel more alone now than ever
On my own
putting on a face for everyone
including my kids
no one will ever know
the pain and pure sadness underneath
I feel like a new person
someone i no longer like
I try to add to my beuaty on the outside to help with the pain and ugliness raging inside
please have the conversation i desperately need
please don't string me along
I don't know our story
I don't know our outcome
I know what I want
I know what I love
I wish I felt that you feel the same way about me as I do you
When can I expect to feel again
when will my sorrow catch up to me
you've turned me into this
a fucking bitch with no remorse
nothing to gain
no happiness
always In pain
thank you for all you've done
you've shown me I can only ever rely on me
Lying down
trying to sleep
I'm so hurt
I can't even breath
fighting for air
drowning my sorrows
all the whole you are trying to sleep
getting prepared for tomorrow's day
why can't you see my pain
do you no longer care
when was I tossed aside like I didn't matter
I am so hurt
I am so sad
i feel alone
while you lay next to me
why must I feel like this
why is it so hard for you to communicate
the blank stares
not paying attention
the lack of vocalization
I'm not a fucking child
you make me feel insane
I just want to be the way we were before I started to feel this way
I want to be happy
is it too much to ask
your bringing me down
why the fuck won't you leave if your unhappy
why make me miserable too
i love you
i always will
Im starting to wonder if you ever did
or if I was convient for you
helping you rise up
while you were lifted up
i was pushed down
I'm crying
bleeding
what have I done
I've ended my despair
for a fucking guy who couldn't even care I was here
I lay in silence
I lay wide awake
wondering what I did to deserve this fate
when did I loose you
was it long ago
was it to some girl you've been entertaining on the down low
i offer sexual advances
you turn me down
i ask to hold you or cuddle
I'm made to feel like im asking too much
all of this sadness is too much to bear
my eyes are dripping wet
I can't stop the rain
my heart is broken
why have you made me feel this way
what have I done
what can I undo
why do I feel so empty lying beside you
i want you here
I want a life with you
why are you here
if you don't want those things too
I will eventually get some sleep
as I choke back my tears
muffling my crying
my sadness
my loneliness
while you sleep peacefully
not a care in the world