healing

i used to think

I used to think no one like me

a forest of a single tree

i stood alone head held high

thinking truly they know why

 

In my mind they was confusion

i was under an illusion

untill after much debate

i had to go back and translate

 

Everything again all anew

angles seemingly all askew

I had glimpsted me through your eyes

and oh boy! was i surprized

 

So thank you for prooving me wrong

a delusion of pain i had for so long

it only took just that one soul

to take a wreck and make them whole.

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Processing the Affects of Taking Out the Trash

Folder: 
Poems.

Unsure how to process,

I am living on the edge of forgotteness,

While today, taking out the trash,

Nearly gave me whiplash,

To the past I found myself agazed,

Upon the rough, unforgettable haze,

Containing the choices you have made,

And how I just try my best to wade,

Through the pain,

That left a permanent stain,

And through the disappointment,

That took my enjoyment,

The person that lived in that room,

The one that lacked a broom,

That person was not you,

At least not the one I ever knew,

Having kept that aspect of you separate from my mind,

It was easier to have your role clearly be defined,

But now there's another person that's been along for the ride,

And it takes strength to learn to coincide.

Cry In My Sleep

 

 I Lost My Ability To Cry
I'm Hurting So Much
I Feel Hurt
I Feel Pain
I Want To Cry
But Theres Not Tears
Theres No Emotions
Hold Me Please


Because I Can't Feel My Arms
I Can't Feel My Legs Anymore
I Feel Like Crying
But I'm Dying In My Sleep
Waking Up With Dried Up Eyes
I Don't Remember Crying
I Don't Remember Sleeping
Chill Runs Through On My Skin


Crying Out In Pain
I Wish I Could Cry
For My Body Can't Take It Anymore
Is This What It Feels Like
Why Must I Feel So Cold
Why Must I Feel So Emotionless
Pieces Of My Heart
Tears In Pieces


I Wish Again
I Could Cry
Just Once More
If I Could Hold You
If I Could Hug You
And Tell You One More Thing
I Just Want To Cry
I Want To Cry On Your Shoulder

 

 

She beheld her Grace

 


Before his love,
she had been afraid
before his touch,
she had been ashamed

Mirrored in a gaze,
stormy blue
she beheld her Grace,
in clear view

He awoke in her a song
long repressed, so natural
then a dance, demanding rave
with beauty, raw and sensual 

He made her feel safe in love,
to yield to body and voice
he taught her it was always
something meant to be rejoiced



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bar lights in oz

i looked behind the curtain,

not out of curiosity mind you

in an effort to save myself.

 

subliminally i knew you were the reason i couldn’t heal

 

so my journey was to reveal you.    the real you.   all the years

i naively chose to believe your lies.   what you wanted me to believe.

 

through no conscious act of my own

its funny how my intuition led me back to you

 

i crashed right into our toxic ways

 

only when you destroyed me one last time

laid bare in the hollow of my self esteem

only then could i see clearly

 

so i bid you adieu with words that once filled me with dread

 

now i ride like a phoenix

 

 

ITS GONE

Author's Notes/Comments: 

sometimes first loves are the hardest to get over.  the hardest to make sense of.   but that also teach us the most about ourselves.   im thankful, for knowledge, clarity, peace, and unanswered prayers.

Still Standing

Still Standing

By jfarrell

 

For me,

It’s childhood rape and violent child abuse;

For some,

It’s drugs, alcohol, food, stealing;

For some,

It’s cancer, organ failure…

Horrendous stuff I can’t,

And probably, don’t want to imagine.

 

But

WE ARE STILL STANDING, STILL HERE!

Today sucked less than yesterday,

But,

You know what?

It was an improvement;

However unnoticeable, however slight it was.

We are still standing! You, me, all of us.

 

And,

It may be all you have right now!

I know 20 years I tried to kill myself;

And I’m still standing;

Lots of you are like me, despite how alone I feel;

We are all STILL standing, after all this time;

Survive? Stop standing - walk!

One step in any direction, and keep walking.

 

Fuck surviving!

I deserve;

I’ve worked and sacrificed for a life!

Not to survive.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i deserve a life! wife, kids, and donuts! i'm sick of being a survivor, i demand more :-)

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Labels

Labels

By jfarrell

 

I lost mine for a long time,

But labels define us; me, certainly;

Dad, mum, lawyer, thief;

What we do, what we call ourselves, define us.

 

I used to be a nursery officer,

I worked with young children,

For those unfamiliar with the term,

Then I was ill, and had no label for a long time.

 

For 17 years I was nothing, maybe still am;

Waste of space drunk became my label;

Mentally ill, depressed, this abbreviation and that abbreviation;

None of them defined me, just made me feel useless.

 

Now, I’m like a duracell bunny;

Some days I’m a barman; some, a waiter;

And I’m stretching labels in between;

I have a definition, a purpose, after so long.

 

Important labels I don’t have;

Father, husband, friend;

But, I now have a label that gives me definition;

Note to self: THIS IS NOT THE DESTINATION!

IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF THE JOURNEY

 

Thanks all for listening :-)

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

break on through to the other side, break on through, break on through - the doors i think, or i maybe thinking of  wrong song, hehe

Peeling the onion

Peeling the onion

By jfarrell

 

My story, my history

Will come out, layer by layer

Within my poetry

And much of it you won’t like;

“let’s leave those horrors for scary stories”

Like peeling an onion, the deeper you go

The more intense it is

 

When I started writing poetry recently

I upset my sister with it;

It’s stuff she’s got over and buried in the past;

And she is the only one of my relatives I give a stuff about;

But she doesn’t believe that

She believes I stay away out of hate and spite;

I stay away coz I seem to hurt everything I touch

I promised her I wouldn’t write personal stuff

 

Sorry, but I’ve got to break that promise

I write for me, I have to write my story

And I have to write it my way

You can choose to not read

But you cannot tell me not to write;

You found your peace;

I’m still searching for mine.

I need to peel this onion.

 

Arrangement in any minor key

Arrangement in any minor key

By JFarrell

 

The music is me

Discordant, harsh, out of tune

A roaring cacophony

Ill composed from its beginning

 

Composed by a loveless mother

Transcribed by a violent father

A minor key

For sadness and pain

 

Along the way

It’s been added to, altered

Key changes everywhere

By those who consider themselves conductors

 

But, now

A new instrument has found its voice

From the depths of my soul

Haunting pizzicato strings stir and swell

 

An orchestra of strings hails the now

And is answered by woodwind breaths

The angelic harmony of harp song

Envelopes all

 

With a life of its own

The music of my soul rewrites me

Rewrites all that I was and have become

I am now a movement in the key of E

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

music heals