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 This shit hurts 

I can’t do it again 

On paper you look perfect 

So I thought we could be friends

The kind that never lie 

And reveal our darkest fears 

Who have each other’s back

And wipe away the tears 

The kind that builds and grows 

Until it turns to love 

Then we sit back and know 

It was sent from up above 

But instead I sit and wait 

Because you’ve gone away 

I never know the fate 

Of every passing day 

It drives me fucking crazy 

How am I not on your mind!? 

I think about you daily 

& and not just because you’re fine

It’s because of how you smile

And how Jesus is your world 

It’s Because of how you talk 

about your beautiful little girl 

I know these things take time, 

And id like space to explore 

Whatever’s on your mind 

To understand you more 

I know this is crazy

Because we’ve barely just said hi

But before I fall too deep alone

I’d rather just say goodby 

-Zomi July 2019 

Hopeless and Denial

3/17/2019

Afraid,

Hopeless,

Fear.

Afraid to accept being single,

Scared of growing old alone,

Scared of getting screwed,

Hopeless that I am alone.

Who am I?

Why am I here?

I still ponder these words and phrases each day.

Sometimes I want to start again,

Other days I just want to be crazy stupid,

While the rest I want to get drunk.

Again, I ask myself,

Who am I?

Why am I here?

I see all my friends having loved ones, marriage, pregnant, etc… and then I see myself sitting here and not living my life to the fullest.

I try to update my online profiles or at least have a gal to notice me;

But then I re-read myself and I am sure every woman has heard all of the cheesy pick up lines all the men have told them… and I simply give up.

There have been days I simply have wanted to give my number to a coworker (or as theirs) or even more to a customer… But I feel stupid in doing so and become shy about my approach.  Because I am too afraid of denial.

As I always mention…

Who am I?

What do I want?

Why am I here?

I know try too much… I always have and I know women “sense” that… but do they also sense of how hopeless I truly am?  I do not want pity from them or sympathy; but I do pity myself all too much into denying on who I am.

I always tell my friends and coworkers… that they are always Number 1 just below my Family and that I am Number Two; but in reality, I am Number Five in my book… always last and never first.

Almost each night I cry myself to sleep… where sometimes I just want to spin myself in drinks and get drunk who knows where.

They always say that the “quiet” ones are the ones one should fear most; but sometimes the most talkative ones can be just as bad because they are afraid of being judge.

A long time ago, I accept that I am constantly talked about behind my back.  Especially at my age since of the job I currently do.. But that hasn’t stopped me on who I am nor will it ever!

I like my life the way it is
I enjoy the perks of being single
I love the freedom it provides
The liberty to flirt, to date, to mingle

But there are these constant reminders
That flying solo is just a fleeting delight
I can only do so much to ward off these thoughts
That plague me when I’m lonely at night

Its when I’m cuddled underneath the blanket
And when I'm lying there alone in the dark
Its when these blasted holidays come and go
And when I see them kissing in the park

Its when I know I’m incomplete
Longing for that which makes me whole
Life is a journey
Sweeter than honey
But so much sweeter when not traveled alone

You will be my best friend 
We’ll laugh together at our idiosyncrasies
We’ll be a network of endless support for each other

We’ll go on road trips together
Be spontaneous and take risks we never dreamed of taking
Make love in the wildest of places

I want someone to take our picture
I want to hear your messages on my phone
I know you have got to be out there somewhere
My other half who yearns to no longer be alone

Is it wrong

to anticipate enthrallment?

To precipitate involvement

with a figure such as she?

Made of dreams

cradled by a man who's deplored

while his subconscious is explored

with maddened longevity.

Call it not

as you would such crimes committed -

their grisliness kept omitted

for the sake of family.

See it true:

loneliness subdued by beauty,

the duty of the mind to feed

a starved heart with fantasies

to save it.

when i see people in there perfect little relationships, 

with their cute pictures, 

their inside jokes, 

that twinkle in their eye, 

and the fact that they actually have plans for tomorrow night with someone they love, 

i can't help but feel a little jealous. 

but then I ponder on the idea of me with a significant other, 

and if I acted the way I see other couples act, 

I'd puke. 
 

Suffocation at it's finest. 

My heart is able to like,
and it is able to adore.

But even with all its might,
It cannot love anymore.

For it was left, broken and shattered,
At the foot of your walls of pride,

I feel so crippled and battered,
For no matter how hard I have tried

I cannot give up on your love,
Though it brings more pain than joy.

Your walls of pride, I shall go above,
And though it is my heart you will destroy.

I will go up your walls of pride, climbing,
for without your love, life isn’t worth trying.