This shit hurts
I can’t do it again
On paper you look perfect
So I thought we could be friends
The kind that never lie
And reveal our darkest fears
Who have each other’s back
And wipe away the tears
The kind that builds and grows
Until it turns to love
Then we sit back and know
It was sent from up above
But instead I sit and wait
Because you’ve gone away
I never know the fate
Of every passing day
It drives me fucking crazy
How am I not on your mind!?
I think about you daily
& and not just because you’re fine
It’s because of how you smile
And how Jesus is your world
It’s Because of how you talk
about your beautiful little girl
I know these things take time,
And id like space to explore
Whatever’s on your mind
To understand you more
I know this is crazy
Because we’ve barely just said hi
But before I fall too deep alone
I’d rather just say goodby
-Zomi July 2019
Hopeless and Denial
3/17/2019
Afraid,
Hopeless,
Fear.
Afraid to accept being single,
Scared of growing old alone,
Scared of getting screwed,
Hopeless that I am alone.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
I still ponder these words and phrases each day.
Sometimes I want to start again,
Other days I just want to be crazy stupid,
While the rest I want to get drunk.
Again, I ask myself,
Who am I?
Why am I here?
I see all my friends having loved ones, marriage, pregnant, etc… and then I see myself sitting here and not living my life to the fullest.
I try to update my online profiles or at least have a gal to notice me;
But then I re-read myself and I am sure every woman has heard all of the cheesy pick up lines all the men have told them… and I simply give up.
There have been days I simply have wanted to give my number to a coworker (or as theirs) or even more to a customer… But I feel stupid in doing so and become shy about my approach. Because I am too afraid of denial.
As I always mention…
Who am I?
What do I want?
Why am I here?
I know try too much… I always have and I know women “sense” that… but do they also sense of how hopeless I truly am? I do not want pity from them or sympathy; but I do pity myself all too much into denying on who I am.
I always tell my friends and coworkers… that they are always Number 1 just below my Family and that I am Number Two; but in reality, I am Number Five in my book… always last and never first.
Almost each night I cry myself to sleep… where sometimes I just want to spin myself in drinks and get drunk who knows where.
They always say that the “quiet” ones are the ones one should fear most; but sometimes the most talkative ones can be just as bad because they are afraid of being judge.
A long time ago, I accept that I am constantly talked about behind my back. Especially at my age since of the job I currently do.. But that hasn’t stopped me on who I am nor will it ever!
I like my life the way it is
I enjoy the perks of being single
I love the freedom it provides
The liberty to flirt, to date, to mingle
But there are these constant reminders
That flying solo is just a fleeting delight
I can only do so much to ward off these thoughts
That plague me when I’m lonely at night
Its when I’m cuddled underneath the blanket
And when I'm lying there alone in the dark
Its when these blasted holidays come and go
And when I see them kissing in the park
Its when I know I’m incomplete
Longing for that which makes me whole
Life is a journey
Sweeter than honey
But so much sweeter when not traveled alone
You will be my best friend
We’ll laugh together at our idiosyncrasies
We’ll be a network of endless support for each other
We’ll go on road trips together
Be spontaneous and take risks we never dreamed of taking
Make love in the wildest of places
I want someone to take our picture
I want to hear your messages on my phone
I know you have got to be out there somewhere
My other half who yearns to no longer be alone
Is it wrong
to anticipate enthrallment?
To precipitate involvement
with a figure such as she?
Made of dreams
cradled by a man who's deplored
while his subconscious is explored
with maddened longevity.
Call it not
as you would such crimes committed -
their grisliness kept omitted
for the sake of family.
See it true:
loneliness subdued by beauty,
the duty of the mind to feed
a starved heart with fantasies
to save it.
when i see people in there perfect little relationships,
with their cute pictures,
their inside jokes,
that twinkle in their eye,
and the fact that they actually have plans for tomorrow night with someone they love,
i can't help but feel a little jealous.
but then I ponder on the idea of me with a significant other,
and if I acted the way I see other couples act,
I'd puke.
Suffocation at it's finest.
My heart is able to like,
and it is able to adore.
But even with all its might,
It cannot love anymore.
For it was left, broken and shattered,
At the foot of your walls of pride,
I feel so crippled and battered,
For no matter how hard I have tried
I cannot give up on your love,
Though it brings more pain than joy.
Your walls of pride, I shall go above,
And though it is my heart you will destroy.
I will go up your walls of pride, climbing,
for without your love, life isn’t worth trying.