obsession

The Seed

in what dark recesses of torture remain

exists a dreaded seed for us to obtain

to keep us sane and deliver us from evil

so goes the creed of an everlasting people

 

unending doubt resonates to be

impermanance rooted in an everlasting dream

scarcity of hope glimmering in dusk

prevention of fortune in a world of luck

 

forever told from stories past

eerily reminiscent of perpetual task

systems of new destroyed wisdom once known

for all apart of a world unsown

 

grimmace and malice plagued once more

in dire times that conjured vile scorn

but it was hope that was given once last chance

now grows a tree from the seed of our past

Gambling

 

A spectre exhales in the empty casino.

Binary digits caught in the corner of the eye,

F R  A   G   M EN  TS of a past regretted,

Compression of a future long gone.

 

A profile stalked in the mind, and the twist in the gut that kept it there.

 

A reminder of desperation,

An echo of obsession.

 

In a moment the world falls apart and a penitent psyche fractures into a formula of whimpers,

3.14 with hopelessness recurring in clenched digits that beat ineffectually at an immutable equation.

New faces and old friends scroll alike behind the dank glass of a solitary fruit machine,

Never double, never triple, never four, nevermore,


Always her.


Four in a row of a scowling face that once smiled back when the machine was new.

 

No lights flash.

 

No jackpot sounds.

 

No coins paid out.


Just the solitary clunk of faces that refuse to settle, juddering in and out of position.


Clunk.


Click. 

 

Click.

 

I sigh and insert another coin.

 

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bar lights in oz

i looked behind the curtain,

not out of curiosity mind you

in an effort to save myself.

 

subliminally i knew you were the reason i couldn’t heal

 

so my journey was to reveal you.    the real you.   all the years

i naively chose to believe your lies.   what you wanted me to believe.

 

through no conscious act of my own

its funny how my intuition led me back to you

 

i crashed right into our toxic ways

 

only when you destroyed me one last time

laid bare in the hollow of my self esteem

only then could i see clearly

 

so i bid you adieu with words that once filled me with dread

 

now i ride like a phoenix

 

 

ITS GONE

Author's Notes/Comments: 

sometimes first loves are the hardest to get over.  the hardest to make sense of.   but that also teach us the most about ourselves.   im thankful, for knowledge, clarity, peace, and unanswered prayers.

3am

I find myself laid awake at 3am entangled in her web that is seemingly embedded deep within my mind. 

 
A feeling of warmth engulfs me as I realise the things that were once paramount to my existence no longer serve a purpose, for now she is my existence. 
 
The world could fall apart around me but I would not be fazed. My thoughts would still be trapped, willingly, in that deep part of my mind meant only for her. 
 
 
 
 
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Machines Welcomed

 

Have you witness the new Machines

welcoming the youth with manifestos

of prosperity, riches, and their furthest

dreams?

 

Giving their all to the Machines that

process the thoughts of the young and

the old; becoming subconsious reality....

 

Machines with mind control, power over

your soul; give in, until you have nothing.

 

Welcome the Machines that generate

your spirits laughter and cries-

 

Machines that create desires with a cloak

over the masses eyes; blindly guided

everyday through different perceptions,

which in reality it is the same routine; a

repetition of yesterday.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Welcome to the New Machines

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Universal Disregard

Your passing by has sparked my high.

To lose you now, with no goodbye,

Would justify my thought to die.

 

I turn around and say hello,

And gaze upon that angel's glow,

To set our course within the know.

 

The days have passed, yet there we stand.

The hourglass has drained its sand,

And life around us has gone bland.

 

Obsession starts to show its face.

Still standing at that meeting place,

Your interest now is gone in haste.

 

The answer was to push away,

Your growing feelings day by day,

And then you'd always want to play.

 

So now my thoughts of you are pain.

Obsession still without refrain.

Attempts to free you from my brain.

 

Left here alone still wondering,

Why frequently abandoning,

Is both the love and loss routine.

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ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 18

Folder: 
ThoughtShock

Chapter Eighteen

'As The Echo Fades'

Part; 3

 

 

They call me insane,
squeeze the trigger and blow out my brain.
Does that make me crazy
I never see it through cause I am to damn lazy.
Lets all dance to the thriller,
label and brand the serial killer.
They call me a psycho
When its just the truth that I know.
I use the obscene for this show
aiming for that shock value,
It sure beats taking out my anger on you.”

 

              When I opened my eyes the room was dark. Hours had gone by as night crept in and a storm was brewing outside. Looking around I noticed my hospital room was empty. I was alone. Where was Lust and Desire? I slowly sat up in the bed. My bruises and broken bones were healed as were the bullet wounds. I sat there in a slight daze as I looked over my own body. My eyes trailed from my arms to the machines that would have been turned on if they had been connected to me. There were even no scars to be found.
The door to my room opened, creaking as it moved ever so slow. I turned my head and watched as a shadowy figure stepped into my room. He stopped just short of the light that came in the window from the moon. “Matthew.” I slowly tilted my head to the side. I knew what to expect by now but what name does this angel of death ride upon? Another doppelganger, just another demon that I will face that should be in my heart and mind not some manifested mutation. 

            Kicking my feet over the side of the bed. I turned facing the creature hiding within the shadows. It did not move, only spoke and in a soft voice. “You are not like the others.” I wanted to laugh at this delusional figure before me but there was something in his voice that caught me off guard. I slowly climbed down from the bed  my feet touched the cool smooth surface of the tiles on the floor. “and I have a feeling, you are not like the others as well.” I said as I tilted my head once again this time trying to focus on the shadows, trying to focus on him.
There was something different about this abomination, I watched as he glided into the moonlight. He did not even need to touch me to feel his presence. As he entered into the light I could see the monster in his true form. “Ego” My voice was weak.

       “So you do know me.” Again his voice was soft as he walked around the foot of the bed. I turned following his movement on just instinct. “What did you do with Lust and Desire” I asked nervously. He stopped in his tracks just short of the window leading outside. Watching the rain splash against the window, he turned his head slowly. I saw the wicked grin from the devil but his smile sent chills down my spine. I swear I even saw his eyes flash before my own. “Oh you don't need to concern yourself with them.” Was all he said as he turned his head back towards the window.
           I griped the railing of my hospital bed tight as I walked towards the foot of the bed, I let go when I ran out of support my entire being was being filled with anger, with fear. “It's hopeless. You know I will kill you before you make a move” He said as he turned around facing me. It was like he was reading my mind, as I just wanted to kill this thing before me.       
Ego raised his left hand up, his long hair went down past his shoulders. He was wearing an expensive suit, with a red tie. He snapped his fingers and at the same time there was a flash of lightening and the crash of thunder when I instantly realized there were two men standing beside me. They quickly grabbed me before I could do anything. I started kicking and struggling as they wrestled me back down onto the bed. Without hesitation they went to town strapping me down to the bed. First they strapped down my hands then my feet and to add insult they pressed down on my shoulders to keep me from struggling.

          Ego walked casually to the side of the bed. He sat down on the edge just next to one of the large guys holding me down. “Are you so delusional that you do not see what is going on here?” He said with a wicked smirk on his face. It took his verbal slap for me to begin putting together a few small details. For instance the large men were wearing white uniforms. These “orderlies” were restraining me as Ego reached into his pocket producing a small pouch. He grinned at me once more as he pulled his neatly folded napkin from his front pocket, unfolding it laying it out over my chest as he leaned in whispering.
I know you are a little slow. So let me help bring you up to speed. You see all of this?” He leaned back up pointing around the room before continuing. “It's of my creation. Everything you have been experiencing” Ego started laughing as he opened the pouch turning it over above the napkin dumping out several small neon green capsules.

        “You see, you are nothing without your ego, or your sin for that matter.” He reached down grabbing a handful of the pills. Holding them in his closed fist as he stared off into space for a moment as if deep in thought. He snapped back as he looked down at me into my eyes I could see the fire burning deep behind them. “But you, you are bound and determined to kill everyone of us, what did you call us?” He paused for a moment. “Abominations.” He burst out laughing again before going quiet and that is when I heard it, he flexed his muscles in his hand causing the capsules to rupture within his closed fist. His laughingly tone suddenly grew very serious when he looked me back in the eyes. “The only abomination is when a Soul refuses to accept it's own nature, that even in the conflict of duality, you need desire.” Using his free hand he grabbed my jaw forcing my mouth open as he held his closed fist above my mouth. Joy emanated from him as a smile formed across his face as he watched the green liquid drip from his fist down into my mouth. I closed my throat but once all the liquid had drained from his hand one of the orderlies quickly let go of my shoulder placing one hand over my mouth the other over my nose.
Suffocate or swallow, this was the choice I was reduced to. Ego was teaching me a lesson that deep down I already knew, only I refused to face. I gave in and swallowed, as before the effects were almost instantaneous. I quickly became lost within myself.

         My pupils contracted to the size of a pinhole. I could feel the chemical rushing my veins. My heart starts beating faster and faster. I shot up from the bed no longer strapped down, my arms were bound around me. I jumped from the bed to the floor, still dizzy from the drugs I lost my balance causing me to fall. I laid there struggling for a few minutes before my eyes begin focusing on my surroundings. I was laying where my doppelganger's dead body should be, but there was no corpse. I sat up leaning against the frame of the bed as I looked down at the straightjacket that bound my arms to my chest.
A few more minutes had passed, as I had managed to climb back into the bed sitting there just staring off into space trying to organize my thoughts. What was real? Did all that happen? I looked around the room once more. It was a different room, it was the same layout only smaller, and the walls were padded. There were no machines in this room, and one small outside window about a foot long and a foot wide.

        “It was all just a nightmare.” I sighed in relief when I heard a familiar voice from behind me. “What was?” I quickly shot around facing the now open door. Standing in the door way a young orderly was holding a clipboard her hair pulled back into a ponytail. “Desire?” I choked out as I tilted my head a bit, still trying my hardest to put together a puzzle that now only seems to fade the more and more I try and focus on it. “What?” She inquired as she walked into the room setting the clipboard on the bed. “How are we feeling this morning sweety?” She asked smiling at me as she began fiddling for her stethoscope. I could not find anything to reply, just stared at her blankly as she went about to checking my heart beat.
“What is your name?” I asked staring up at her, becoming intoxicated by her perfume. She looked at me as if I were playing a game and laughed. “You know my name hon, it's Anna.” Looking down once again at the straightjacket I nodded my head and softly responded “right.” her sensitive demeanor must have picked up on my vibrations as she responded. “You had a pretty nasty breakdown last night, but you will be okay dear I promise”    
I looked up into her eyes and saw a glimmer of hope behind them, as I let out another sigh. “So I am just crazy, guess it makes sense.”

 

I am starting to believe that karma
just might be the desperate mans cling to hope.
Where evidence is abundant to support this thought.
Simply open your eyes and tell me
if the assholes and whores don't get the upper hand.”

          I had sat on my bed for hours now just staring off into space, deep in thought. Remembering now only bits and pieces of what I had only thought transpired. Orderlies had came into my room a few hours ago to remove the straightjacket, saying I was “calmed” down enough that I did not need it, but it I were to have another “outbreak.” They would come back and sedate me putting it back on me. I did not care, my reality had been shattered.
         
It was starting to get late, as I had not moved from my spot on the bed. Plastic spoon in my hand as I played with the food on my tray that someone had brought to me since I refused their offers of going out into the common room. I simply had just wanted it all to end. The lights to my room went out as I looked up towards the door seeing another orderly standing there. “Lights out, bed time.” I heard another orderly shout from the hallway. Looking back down the tray was gone, had been for hours now as I laid down under the covers, on my back. Looking up at the ceiling I closed my eyes.

 

Sanity is overrated, becoming diluted by reality.
Ten second stars who would kill for the vanity.
With all of your twisted dogmas, corrupted morals
we enter into the age where your god is dead,
where every lie is the truth simply cause it's what they said”
 

Words of love, The words of passion
are forgotten on the page of romance.
Sold our souls we took the devil to the dance.
 

So much pain, So much suffering, a life of torment
becomes your prison cell, a living hell, filled with regret.
The misery never fades,
but there will always be the masquerade.”

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

ThoughtShock: A Manifesto chapter 18,
 Last and final part (3) of the short story "As the Echo Fades" and of course this is the rough draft, as it still needs to be cleaned up and polished. However this is the script so far. I am curious to what you think of the ending? or even possibly the whole short story? Hoenstly when I first started working on it, I was not sure of the direction that I wanted to go. However through the chaos of it I feel I delievered on the message buried under the insanity!! Once again I hope you enjoy.

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His Obsession

An angel's feather falls gracefully from the heavens,
Glowing, in the heaven's ray which guides her path.
She floats preciously, endlessly...

A celestial rook is diligent in his charge.
Crowded masses desperate for a look,
a gentle whisper from her lips...

He prevents the protrusion of her path.
His true purpose unbeknownst to all,
His own desire for a kiss.

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It's confusing, to say the least

I always knew that there was something odd,
Something off, but brushed it away.
Now that everything's clear of the misty fog,
My feelings are no longer astray.

I still feel the same, though,
But just a little weirded out.
And even though it's been awhile ago,
I'm not filled with doubt.

It was really shocking,
but I kind of expected it.
It explains everything,
And yes, I even choked a bit.

It was hard not to,
seeing as I adored you.
I always thought that you were who you were,
But I'd still be your admirer.

It's not that bad,
It was just a little strange.
The truth is just a little bit hard to stomach,
A little bit out of range.

It doesn't change anything,
although it might feel a little awkward,
It will take awhile to let this sink in,
Because it's still a little disappointing.

~

By: RaiLiet_lurvs_BL

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Because I just recently discovered that my muse is a she. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that, but the fact that I thought that she was a guy was way sinked in into my brain for far too long that it's a little weird to start calling what was supposedly "him", a "she"...

Haha. xDD. She's still my obsession though. >:}. For everyone else that viewed this poem as something else, feel free to do so, but keep in mind that this is the real meaning of the poem...
Feel free to say your thoughts about the poem... (Or about my A/N. xDD.)
---
For HER.(<---- Convincing myself. xDD.) And for the people who can relate to the poem.

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