letting go

Free

If I want to die

then let me be

just say bye 

and set me free 

 

Crying on the floor

all alone, like you left me 

on all fours, your knees are sore 

just forget me... and let it be 

 

If I want to die 

then let me be

dont question why 

just say bye 

and set me free

 

Let me fly away, far away

far from here 

I, cannot stay

so let me lay, don’t you fear

 

If regret reappears 

wipe your face, from the tears 

dont you dwell on those years.


So, if I want to die

let me fly 

let me be 

just say bye

and set me free.

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Holding On

Realizing that dreaming has been better than reality, mainly because I have been thinking, and thinking tends to get me into trouble. I spoke my mind, and did I say too much? I think I said too much. I wish I could take it all back, but then I think to myself that maybe it was for the better. I think that was the end of it, but I still find myself waiting to hear from you. I don't care what it is that you have to say, I just want to see your name on my screen. I just want to know that I crossed your mind enough that you took the time to talk to me, regardless of the context. Say goodbye if you please, I asked for it anyway. But am I naive to think that we live in a world where people care to give closure? Everyone wants it, but it doesn't seem like anyone provides it.

 

I feel deeply. I feel too fast, more than I should, more than I ever plan to. I can't help that, but I wish I could cushion the pain especially when I feel like I shouldn't be hurting. I feel like an idiot for seeing this coming, for ignoring the signs. I looked at you through rose-colored glasses, and those red flags just looked like flags, at least I told myself so. You were so convincing, so enticing. I wanted to not care about your intentions, I just wanted to feel you. Then I found myself unsure of what to do with what I was feeling. I didn't know who to talk to about it. I thought if I just expressed myself to you that we could work through it. Then I realized we weren't at that point. Poor judgement. But then I keep coming back to wondering if it was for the best anyways. I keep ignoring that thought, I don't want to make any decisions on it just in case you have something more to say to me.

 

We could've been great, we both believed that at least. I think we moved too fast. Maybe we ruined what could've been by not giving it a chance. That is why I am holding on, holding on to what could still be, if there is even a chance for that left.

bar lights in oz

i looked behind the curtain,

not out of curiosity mind you

in an effort to save myself.

 

subliminally i knew you were the reason i couldn’t heal

 

so my journey was to reveal you.    the real you.   all the years

i naively chose to believe your lies.   what you wanted me to believe.

 

through no conscious act of my own

its funny how my intuition led me back to you

 

i crashed right into our toxic ways

 

only when you destroyed me one last time

laid bare in the hollow of my self esteem

only then could i see clearly

 

so i bid you adieu with words that once filled me with dread

 

now i ride like a phoenix

 

 

ITS GONE

Author's Notes/Comments: 

sometimes first loves are the hardest to get over.  the hardest to make sense of.   but that also teach us the most about ourselves.   im thankful, for knowledge, clarity, peace, and unanswered prayers.

Control.

Trust.

It was a given, though you should have earned it.

A mistake I keep repeating;

As if I am not learning shit.

 

Every.

Single.

Experience.

Now, deemed worthless.

But you tell me how I feel.

You can tell me if this is real.

Did I make this mess?

 

"Selfish".

Ridiculous, spitting words like this is a spelling test.

"Emotional".

Memento mori, you turned your back on me.

I'm a human fucking being.

Excuse me for grieving, the death of myself.

 

Banging on a cardboard coffin.

Hands bloodied, dont feel the hurt.

Don't think of all the dirt gettin in;

Make it up up to the surface,

don't let them win.

 

I can feel the grass and tug at it rough.

Crawling out, organs a mess.

"Not today, Satan"

I tell myself in a huff.

Tired of going through things.

I've seen enough.

 

Trying to avoid hurt.

Licking my wounds.

Not self consumed.

Begining to breathe now.

It's like I've forgotten how.

Throat full of earth, I throw it up.

Dust off my dress, 

Memories of being alive with cough syrup.

Walking dead at this point,

barely breathing.

 

Simply trying to heal.

The coffin I left behind is real.

With a piece of myself in there.

"There lies a piece of Betty"

No one cares.

"A tenacious woman that always cared"

 

Now I'm up here.

Human being amongst people.

Fucking.

Scared.

Too tenacious to die, too emotional to be alive.

Simply trying to deal;

With things I should have never felt.

 

These are just the cards,

that I have been dealt.

One cannot control that,

But how they handle their hand.

 

I cannot control what life hands me,

but I can take a stand.

 

I refuse to me told how I feel,

My emotions are valid.

I am real.

I've got balls of steel;

They are just misplaced.

I am not something to be forgotten,

Something you can simply replace.

 

You mistreat me, or try to break me down.

I go Casper.

You don't find me anywhere in town.

I'm a woman, I deserve respect.

But, I get treated like a Leper.

A damn reject.

 

This mental illness is at the steering wheel.

I get barked at for this so much, I can no longer feel.

You want to control me?

Take a number.

You can't even handle me.

 

 

 

Did I Say Too Much?

Folder: 
Poems.

Did I say too much, or not enough?

That is what I have been pondering.

I cannot seem to find the answer,


Just be and let be.

That is what I know I should do.

It is a battle trying to learn how.


I try to control things too much, this I know.

But knowing sometimes isn't half the battle.

Sometimes it is much less than that.


The hurdles are big,

Might as well be mountains,

And I am out of shape.


They say we must learn to dance with our demons,

But instead I continue to fight them,

Day in and day out.


I don't cry as much as I should,

I spent my childhood repressing my emotions,

I am too good at it.


I don't even have to try and hide,

My emotions and how deep they really run,

It comes naturally.


I have to undo parts of myself,

But not sure where to start,

Just going through the motions.


I have lost interest,

In all of the thing that I once very much enjoyed,

I stand outside of my shell, looking in upon this.


Negativity always seems to be the easier road,

So I ride the edge of it,

Reaching for positivity at the same time.


One day I will find my answers, this I know,

But the mountains along the way are just so,

Goddamn intimidating.

The Difference

Folder: 
Haiku

There is letting go,

And then there is giving up.

Oh so similar.


There is acceptance,

And then there is cowardice.

They are different.


There is foolishness,

And then there is bravery.

You will know after.

For Your Ignorance

You decided yourself the idea of you and me, was not quite the reality you’d thought’d bring you harmony. Which might have been fair until you refused to give me the respect to be listened to, and express my antithesis.


Now you’ve left me stuck, self-reciting my sour-salty soliloquy. You tuned me out, showing the epitome of self-servient apathy.


You promised me, mind you had no intention to keep, that you’d still be a friend, until you said the drama’s too deep. It was a vessel you filled with full control and intent. You slithered away and then complained you were spent. You invented excuses and convinced yourself lies, of how I’m just as absurd as other desperate guys.


You made me a villain and issued me blame. Deluded yourself to think shouldn’t feel shame. And you expect me to float off and swallow a this pill that you thought might prescribe a sense that i’m the one who was

ill-mannered, ill-tempered, ill-willed, ill-advised to believe we could salvage the best of our times and harbor a new kind of relationship, where we’d grow apart fondly, with memories

clipped to our dashboards now facing separate directions. Yours, pointed to your fairy tale misconceptions. With your eye fixed on a perfect fairy tale life, glazed to subtle the flavor of inevitable strife.


You seem to forget, I got to know you a bit. Buried your nose in your so called “support” that would never

quit to praise your sadly distorted ambitions, and agree that my warnings were trespassing suspicions. But you never allowed them the transparency I saw, to gaze straight through your Disney princess façade.


Now you desperately grasp for validation with your newest unwitting vessel of self-inflation. You mold yourself hastily to fit in with his life. Tricking him to believe you’ll of course be his wife. When just like the dance you put me through, you’ll get tired and look for something else to do.


That poor young bastard has no clue that there is no way of really pleasing you. With your head in the clouds and expectations too high. You’ll ignorantly fly from him to the next guy.


One day you’ll burn out and PRAY begin to see, that if you’d just sat down and had listened to me. I’d have shown you a more realistic support, and stop racing away from the source of your short-

comings, consistently

fettered to your soul since you’re the cause of your own pain-soaked love letters.


But I owe you one tiny note of praise. Your timing in cutting me out of your days

aligned just the right way to set me up in a daze

with the new love I found, who’s a wonderful dame. If I weren’t so angry I’d spare you the phrase, “she puts you to shame.”


She’s understanding, secure, smart, supportive, thoughtful, and kind. She loving, goodnatured, even when in a bind. My gratitude to you is,

I never would have thought, that I’d find someone else who’s everything were not.

Blurred Edges

 

It’s in the tremble of your voice as

 

You lean on me and the sweet

 

Tears trickle down from your eyes

 

 

 

It’s in the way you try to stifle

 

Your cries as if I can’t feel them

 

Coming in waves throughout your body

 

 

 

It’s in that final moment when we’re

 

Done and you’re “so sorry” but

 

This is uttered with meaning this time

 

 

 

It’s in the core of me - that feeling of

 

Knowing this is a sign and within

 

Moments we’re both ending and beginning

 

 

 

It’s in the way we hold onto each other and

 

Our worlds are both spinning because

 

This will be the “last” but we’ve said it all before

 

 

 

It’s in the time that we’ve taken to get here, for

 

This moment of rapport and soul spilling

 

It’s the first time we’re really seeing each other

 

 

 

It’s seeing through the walls we both insist on

 

Building to keep another out as we’re

 

So very afraid of really letting people in

 

 

 

It’s the knowing that you’ve shown me you and

 

I’ve let you see more than just my skin

 

You’ve felt my body and melted with my mind

 

I’ve lost where you end and where I begin.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I'm incredibly new to poetry so keep that in mind while you read Embarassed

This poem comes out of a memory from not so long ago. The last line is adapted from a part of a song called 'Basic Space' by The xx (I recommend you listen), and I had this line in mind while writing as it really resonated with me (and essentially inspired the whole thing).

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Letting go of the reigns

letting go of the reigns

 

 

the day you were born i knew life would never be the same

 

and holding you i knew i would protect you from lifes game

 

you're my number 1 priority and its a job i take to heart

 

no one will ever hurt you for this world they will surely part

 

as you grew your need for me slowed but still i was always there

 

i kept my distance but was still quite near to step in cuz i care

 

and then it happened so darn fast you grew up right before my eyes

 

you went from a child so small to a grown up adult oh how time flies

 

now that your grown im no longer needed to protect you any more

 

but its integrated into my being and its hard to let go of the reigns

 

i've been there for you all your life and i know its not been in vain

 

this is how lifes supposed to be and someday you will understand

 

that when you to have a child of your own it's instinct and not planned

 

when its my time to go then and only then will i give up all that remains

 

when passing over to the other side olny then will i let go of the reigns

 

                                                  zoeycup16

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this one i wrote for my children who are adults now they sure do grow up fast!!!

                                                                 zoeycup16

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