mind

ALT (Tapping Distilled Unconsciousness in Search of Something Conventionally Pretty)

In vain I projected mine to yours -

polygonal waves came out to gush,

turning all substantial things to dust

that could've been used to bridge from me

to you.

What rhythms we'd created.

Now, when the land failed to stay, I walked

on the air as it turned to pixels;

fraying and then clumping in patterns

that were so precise, but couldn't be.

In a convulsive sequence they lit

and were so inviting and eager

for an unexpected step that feels

somehow

familiar - Resonating.

Eventually they forced me to dance

in order to proceed and survive.

But I didn't mind. A presence came

to accompany me in tandem,

mastering me in grace while never

showing its face.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I deleted a post earlier today with a title nearly identical to this one. The post wasn't worth keeping but the title was.

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Secrets in the sand

knowing you the way I got to, helped me really appreciate the rain pouring down, & to look past the clouds.. 

I never felt one with the sand until you touched my hand.. even the fireworks weren't ever as breath-taking.. 

you to me, were like a piece of breathing earth, with eyes, & ears.. a heart.. but too many fears.. 

I can't say you have much more then me, though.. & it doesn't matter which one of us is less flawed..

 

I wish I could fly away to a paradise, somewhere i'll finally have all the closure I need... for everything..

I feel like I have to fight with myself everyday.. battle of self esteem, hopes, dreams, disappointments, needs.. 

I battle to stay awake, & I battle to fall asleep.. 

 

wherever did the peace go? whatever happened to the flow...

I got lost in the forest of my mind, trying to become free..

but more then a few of these deeply rooted trees have collapsed & fallen on top of me..

scratching at the dirt, gripping at the grass.. I can't breathe..

 

is love just as much baggage as hate..? because they both seem to feel equally heavy..

maybe inside i'm just overweight.. 

maybe that's what i've been seeing.. 

how can I work from the inside, out..? 

how can I prevent these ups & downs..? 

do you even know..? I didn't think so..

it's all up to me.

 

learn to appreciate the rain... even if it's drenching you in pain..

i'll always be your secret.. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2.27.13

She Said

when I look to the window outside, she said. it hurts as the world passes me by, she said.

this sharp ivy grows around my heart, she said.. leaving holes inside.

 

I want to hear the sound of the grass beneath my footsteps.. the wind pushing forward.. 

I want to see the sunlight beam into your eyes, & right through back to me.. so lovely..

to hold you & know it's okay, even for more then awhile, to get lost just lying there, admiring that smile..

you'll always be precious to me.

 

I never gave you up willingly.. it's the way things came to be.. great memories, but greater pain.. 

so full & complete, then so drained.. fragments floating around, everything that used to be..

debris.. in this cloud, drifting down.. 

 

to me your pain is so loud.. I can hear your screams from afar, like they're all kept in a jar.. thrown around..

smashed is the glass, it shatters deep inside of me.. shards left where you once were.. 

the screams are traveling through, these veins course, wishing to intertwine & convene with blood we both keep warm..

become one.. 

 

i'm sorry this pathetic heart is so latched onto you, & that my mind cries out for freedom, to penetrate the atmosphere..

this grey sky feels so confining, like the clouds are keeping us where we are.

no escape.. miserable daze..

some day i'll fly through these clouds, & into my own world of happy haze.. 

where the memories are far weaker then the future, or power of my dreams.. 

Scabbed

if I had a scar for every mistake i've made..
I think i'd have as many as you.. 
Satan is impaling his dagger into my throat..
why can't you see that inbetween every breath, I choke..
you spin that thread like some spider in the corner above your bed..
casting webs into thin air.. 
you look so evil while you sit back & stare...
everything around you struggling..
 
your screams echo in the center of my head...
sound waves of pain..
pulling me further into disdain..
from you I try to refrain...
I swear every single day is just another suicide..
all you've got is filthy money on your mind..
 
if I could, I would wipe you out..
never to see the grey of another fucking New Jersey day..
would you finally be happy?
stop saying "it'll always be this way"..
cause fuck you i'm going to get out of here no matter what I have to do.
I've grown tired of the constant debating with you..
just let me do what i'm going to do..
apparently my hands aren't clean anyway, so bloodstains wouldn't make a difference..
it can be washed off, but the memory leaves a permanent stain.
 
inhaling that same toxic air...
how do you ever expect to get anywhere..?
your eyes have grown faint & your laughter means nothing to me..
you're all just bathing in one another's self destructive disease.. 
 
I want so badly to just float in the sky...
I need a real change of tide.. 
I want to climb a purple mountain,
dive off & grow some black angel wings,
man of all the fucking simple things.... 
can I fly to another dimension?
or will this back always be scabbed of the wings you've prevented me...?
robbing me of my potential as I watch everyone else let their's coil down the drain..
damn.. which of us is truly insane?
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

2.8.13

Two Extremes

Folder: 
Poetry

Light and Dark 

 

I am living between two extremes,

Light and dark, you would not believe.

Though a dark mind, I am sweet,

With a soft heart-beat...

 

Please listen to me,

I want to explain, you see?

Evil and good, a dizzying flight,

Heaven O take me to the upper height.

 

Heaven is with Azathoth,

The mighty flutist God.

My Father in Heaven Thou art,

I do play my part...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Some thoughts about darkness and light - evil and good.

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Warhead

Folder: 
Poetry

Warhead 

 

I creeped into the house,

Where dwelled Warhead.

I stayed living there,

Yet he did hurt me.

 

Years ago, we lived in a home

In extreme circumstances.

No electricity, no water;

Disconnected from the outside world;

Being underground...

 

Warhead was regularly drunk,

And then became aggressive.

He evicted my friend from the house,

And now I lived alone with this creep.

 

I desired him to leave the house,

But I didn't spoke my mind.

Instead, one of my episodes,

Which he didn't like.

 

One evening I came home,

And all was scattered in glass.

He had crushed the glass door,

And ostracism all around.

 

He left thereafter...

Weeks later he returned,

And started to threaten me.

I was so afraid that I started to chant:

"IA! IA! Cthulhu fhtagn!"

 

Then the window fractured,

He had crushed it in.

With a stone,

So vicious.

 

Then the police came around the corner,

Warhead got arrested.

But not for long,

And this was frightening me.

 

So I took my Book of Shadows,

And took from there a spell.

This would bind Warhead,

So he could do no harm.

 

I made a voodoo-doll,

And bound it with a rope.

Said some mysterious phrases,

And buried him in the garden.

 

So now we were in the house,

But Warhead was not at home.

And if, he could do no harm,

'Cause he was under the spell.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A terrible event that happened in my life.

Unmade mends, loosened knots, dead disillusion

Shrouded with doubt.. cynicism has buried it's way in..

through the skin.. parasites, they grin.. 

I don't know if i'm mean't to be where I am anymore, cause I made a mistake long ago,

did it take me off the right road?

maybe there isn't a right!! maybe everything is just wrong...

perhaps neither of the two.

damn, it can seem so confused.. 

 

These days are like flying forever on an aeroplane, constantly changing destinations while the inside stays the same..

too many people got money on the brain, i'm tellin' you it's gunna really rob your heart of the warmth that brings about positive change.. 

but you're too worried about keeping the change you could be sparing to another brother, in need of some support..

 

God could of wiped me from this earth by now..

the tears I shed are so full of life, & yet so fucking dead..

is this emptiness set apart from what's actually going on within my head..?

will these mends ever be made?

my heart is not your scapegoat, & my mind is not your slave..

so step away.. i'm not able to be caged.

 
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SENSORY IMPRESSIONS

 

So many things may catch
my eyes and ears
They may be in flowing thoughts
My interest they may strive to sway
They may try, try and try
But they won't not be sucessful
To divert my way
For I have a stronger impression
And lofty is my aspiration

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Read, enjoy and comment

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Cutting (Epilogue)

Pain scorches my mind

As I peruse the novels

Of my recollections

Every night is identical

Read, reminisce, agony

So I incinerated the library

Of my long kept memories

And their embers seared a hollowness

Into my soul

The ashes of my past

Floating away into the blood-red of the firmament

Or is it of my veins

I can’t say

I can’t remember

I don’t care

The stars sing tenderly to me

Their mournful cry from afar

Helpless to relieve me

Powerless to help

Incapable of aiding

A dying man

A vanished cause

A solitary shadow

I’ve given up the contest

There is no longer a challenge

No longer the next battle

Just eternity at my fingertips

And the doorway in my hand

A slit across the open earth

And I fade into nothingness

Perhaps they will miss me when I’m gone

Funny how they listen

When you can no longer speak

Yet, perhaps they will forget me

I do not know

Another life aborted

Gone into I know not where

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Note: I do not cut now, this is just a story.  Written after the end, therefore subtitled Epilogue. I won't say to enjoy this one...

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