I only wish you know,
How much I loved you,
Right from the beginning,
The impact you made when you landed,
From high above,
You fell so far,
Never losing your shine,
The first time I laid eyes on you,
The darkness staring back at me,
We danced and danced,
Orbited each other,
Complementary and clashing,
A comet passed by,
Obscuring the vision,
Leaving a trail of dust and debris,
You fell to earth,
I held you in my arms,
Breathed life into your fading embers,
I gave you my trust,
I thought I had yours,
You exploded in my hands,
Tore me to shreds,
Ripped my heart out,
Left me bleeding and alone,
If you only knew,
How much I had loved you.
It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.
Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would.
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't.
I appreciate and love you for that.
I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found.
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.
Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.
Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.
Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?
I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical.
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?
And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see.
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you.
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?
To Fix What’s Broken
When were born our mothers smile light’s her face a glow
She say’s were perfect from our head down to our toes
But as we grow thing’s change and to much is left unspoken
Oh to be able to go back in time and fix what’s broken
But if it was that easy then there wouldn’t be any pain
No sorrow, no fear, of what lies ahead and nothing to gain
So here we are slightly wrinkled, and our hearts a cold dark place
try as hard as we can to iron it out, and thaw what’s been frozen
we try again and again to mend ourselves to fix what’s broken
but night after night we fall into bed to tired to keep up the pace
knowing full well that tomorrow our step’s we’ll have to retrace
someday I think to myself I wont feel so much pain no more emotion
and with no pain there will not be a need to go and fix what’s broken
I left home one summer
Carring my weakness in my hands,
My feet grew fond of every journey,
As i held my face high above the sea i faced nothing but sorrow,
From that day my future slipped away,
I ploughed my tears in every piece of land,
For that i traded my death for another day,
For one could taste for one could never want onother,
But beneath my luck nothing was a success,
No rain felled and all my seeds were ripped from the ground,
A promiscuous soul lay low from the ground and death blooms from its blood.
I would say I miss you
But you no longer care
You left long before your body
And left me alone with yourself
I'm always thinking of you
Everyone says you aren't worth it
Maybe they're right...
But I thought you were
I wish we could be “us” again
But do I truly miss you
Or simply the relationship we had?
I guess I'll never know
You've kept me at a distance
So far I'd never reach you
Now I suppose I've finally decided
To stop trying
She bottled the impossible
With silent gestures she kept audible
While constantly perfecting improbable obstacles
She was always steady and volatile
Keeping reality optional
She moved in a way that was almost comical
Methodical in how she kept herself intentionally watchable
She was an angel draped over something diabolical
But you see,
Her love, it was kind of clumsy
So before she could even share something
Her heart, it was already crumbling
But some how lucky
When most just stared dumbly
As people asked what could be done in tones quickly hushing
And were answered with nothing
She licked her lips and they tasted of honey
Then she knelt in a sunbeam and she began softly humming
As she put back together Humpty Dumpty
She was meticulous and neat
And she memorized each shattered piece
Right there in the street
She stayed on her knees like a priest
And as the light teased to the east
The beast eyed her technique
But didn't speak
A deep heat seeped through her cheeks
Time seemed to increase in speed then ease
Sweat glistened over her skin and muscles
She was deft and subtle
As she shuffled through the rubble
Trying to coax a whole from this puzzle
We call Humpty Dumpty
She was trouble
But Humpty, he thought she was lovely
See, when he was all about beneath her heels crunching
Thinking this is the end it must be
And is, there a special hell for his particular type of shell
Or just nothing
No matter where the end
She was able to put Humpty together again
She repaired him, but you see her intent it was just pretend
She filled in each crack with future revenge
Making a mortar of resentment mixed with torment
In a violent and bitter personal blend
That she could later rend and augment
Again and again
But, she stayed...and there were more falls
Never had one seen an egg so mauled
Humpty, he would fall then drink and drawl
He would scrawl small obscenities all over the wall
He would crawl to the top dripping ethanol
And scream about his cholesterol
And the proper protocol
For being a neanderthal
But, it turned out Humpty was jumping from the wall after all
Time after time just pissing
Missing the seat and painting the stall
Wheezing deep breaths of albuterol
While screaming who made him the intercontinental apostle
Made of Swedish meatballs from Montreal
For Humpty it seemed to be now, that lucidity was a fluid thing
And he was just barely able to forget his faults
With an hourly top off of propylene glycol
And Rubbing alcohol
In a way that couldn't really be considered sub-lethal
Instead of braving what might be waiting
And facing down the sound at the end of the hall
Humpty became addicted to the whoosh and rush of the fall
He'd hide from the shame engraved in stains across his frame
By breaking and cracking his own skull
Always seeking the oblivion that called from the bottom of the wall
Now left alone with only pieces of him galled
She became used to her tears and the taste of their salt
The manic habit was static and so sad but too late to halt
Till one day she looked down at it all and
Couldn't find a single thing in her life by which she wasn't appalled
So she finally took all of Humpty’s pieces
And she mashed them into a lumpy little ball
That she placed upon her lap
As she sat atop the wall
Looking down wondering what it'd be like to fall
As I walked down the road thinking,
How all hope had abandoned me...
I came up on a pitiful sight~
A bent, lonely and broken tree.
Tears fell from my eyes,
As I reflected on my life...
How much I felt like this tree~
Pitiful, broken and full of strife.
I sat down at the base,
Closed my eyes and begin to pray...
"Dear Lord, why did I give up.
And allow the strings of my heart to fray?"
He answered with a whisper,
Like a soft and gentle wind...
You turned away from Me, my child~
But I promise this isn't the end."
He then went on to tell me,
To look at the top of the tree...
So I tilted my head skyward~
And saw two lovely green leaves!
Then God said "when you think you're alone
And feeling lonely broken and bent...
Look up to Me for reassuranc~
For My love is Heaven sent.
And like the two leaves,
That you now see...
I will ALWAYS be with you~
Especially when you're a broken and bent tree.
I'm not in wonderland anymore
I sat at my desk and rubbed my eyes,
Rocking back and forth in my grey
Office chair. The coffee I drank caused my loins to
Burn so I stood up to take a leak.
Passing my bedroom mirror, I saw
My profile and noticed that
My chest was round and peacockish.
The burning moved from my groin
To my right hand. I grabbed an
Unfinished volume of my thoughts from the
Shelf and peeled back the skin. I found
My place (as I often do) and navigated
My Pilot across the strict ruled page.
Black streams of thought formed like
A fetus in the womb, kicking my insides.
My breathing was fast, then slowed to the
Rhythm of my heartbeat. I pushed.
What was on the inside was coming
out. I looked down at my son. My hand was
Limp and my chest concaved.
I am overcome with sorrow.
I do it again tomorrow.