PTSD

It's getting harder...



It's getting harder to remember


what I was like


before I was damaged,


before you tore me open


and forced your darkness in.


I have tried to get it out


by opening my skin


but there is always more


left deep within.



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"Pre-Traumatic"

Folder: 
Quotes

by Jeph Johnson

 

I have PTSD

But for me the P

Stands for pre not post.

 

It's AKA anxiety.


The past is behind me,

Why worry about that?


Creative memory

Can easily help me

Control that.

I worry about

What isn't so easy

To control:


The future.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

circa 2013

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Dominating the Future

by DaddyO 

 

I have PTSD, but for me the "P" stands for "pre" not "post."

 

Yes I have...

 

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

 

It's also known as anxiety.

 

No one can control the past, all any of us can do is hope to control our memories of the past. My selective memory does a fairly good job of that. I am also very inventive and analytical, so with a little creativity, I can sift the golden memories from the sands of my past. In doing this my mind (which is in the present) often feels better about the past than the future.

 

I love to reminisce and revel in my many successes.

 

I have lived a life devoted to pleasure that many would envy. Since embracing hedonism at the turn of the 20th century, I have strove for or had fun every single day of my existence. I have lived my life on my terms, steadfastly holding my own (or saying "fuck you") amidst critics, adversaries and down-right enemies!

 

But I also wish to learn from my many mistakes: I call it "growing up", and I certainly have a lot more of that to do than most men my age! As my body matures, the rest of me holds on to those selective positive memories.

In short, I created a world for myself that is very foreign to what other men my age experience by avoiding the responsibilities most men my age have. A life intent on having as few responsibilities as possible:

 

By foregoing a college education I avoided tuition debt. Sure I took a few electives, but they were just classes I wanted to take!

 

In working at jobs where the most I ever made was $10 an hour, I learned skills that were "fun" rather than practical. Still I attended over 300 free concerts, met countless rock stars and collected enough compact discs to open my own store as a hobby!

 

In getting snipped I produced no "junior", but I never had to discipline an unruly child or forego a party because I had a kid at home.

 

In short, I find myself with the responsibilities of someone in their early 20s, (complete with 22 year old girlfriend at the time of this writing). That's the bright side. But on the dark side I no longer have the youthful enthusiasm, health or hopefulness to go along with it.

 

I have the bone creaks, lightheaded dizziness and stomach cramps of an ageing overweight diabetic man, yet my present needs are few.

 

I am clever and self-contained so I can derive enjoyment and entertainment from otherwise mundane things and situations. My mind keeps me busy enough to not require expensive hobbies. Hell, I don't even need video games or an entertainment budget above that to maintain a portal to the world wide web,

 

All my enjoyment comes in these simple pleasures: Writing, music, internet, fantasy sports and seeing my girlfriend's eyes light up when she smiles at me! And I like them as much for the simplicity as I do for their pleasures!!

 

I don't need a luxury car, tropical vacation, designer clothing or fine dining.

I just want to be healthy and wealthy enough to not be bedridden or hungry and able to wear practical clothing. I want a warm bed and shelter from the elements for myself, my girl and our modest belongings, as well as transportation to and from work and the store.

 

That's about it!

 

When other people get triggered, all logic and reasoning seem to fly out the window. I guess it's the opposite for me. When I am triggered is when I start using logic and reason.

 

The way I look at triggers is a person can rest easy, for the gun is no longer loaded!

 

But this thing we call "the future" scares the hell out of me. The idea that we indeed can control our future is what riddles me with so much anxiety.

 

People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and triggers seem to have a difficult time putting bad experiences behind them.

 

People with anxiety have a difficult time navigating the experiences ahead of them.

 

My desire to be "dominant" stems from this happy place I find myself in when I have control of my present (and presumably future) surroundings.

 

Do submissive people generally have a tougher time dealing with the past?

From my experiences, yes.

 

I envy a submissive person's ability to give up control of the present, yet am frequently frustrated by how much influence triggering memories of the past seem to be for them.

 

I have few regrets for most of the things I've done along the way. Instead I regret a lot of what I didn't do.

 

Which is terrifying when you find yourself careening down the opposite side of the "over-the-hill" analogy and looking back at what you've done is much more difficult. All that you've done is obscured from view. There's that damn hill in the way!

 

All the things you didn't do stay with you forever, however.

 

So I feel I have gotten a lot out of this world in this era I've lived. Death doesn't scare me, but the road leading there does!

 

I still have a few bucket list items. None should require money but all require stability. And because stability requires money I'm screwed.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2015 

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TOSS THE COIN

We have never met
Not in this realm
But we know each other 
So well……………………..
Its hit and miss
If I meet you again
The vale of sleep descends
Where shall I go?
Hell……………………………..
Heaven………………………..
Toss the coin
Throw the dice
You are perfect
I love you……………..
You opened the door for me
One day…………………..
We will enter…………..
Never to wipe the sleep from my eyes
Gone…………………
But home……………….
What is a dream?
Maybe its real?
Just maybe………….
I will Rest In Peace.

© Tony McNally

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'THE BOGEY MAN'

He licked my eye balls in 82

To stop the tears from coming through

Ripped part of my soul away that day

He wants the rest, his evil pay

Killing was the name of the game

Man against man

Its still the same

When the last grain sand falls from my life

He will be back with his big long knife

Stronger he gets by the day

As man kills man on an industrial scale

I have looked into the bowls of hell

There is no flames there is no smell

He is all around he is in your face

The bogey man is the human race.

 

© Tony McNally

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a man's living nightmare

Stormy, stormy ships quietly love a cold, lively sail. 

Carrying soldiers who arrived at the land knowing that war never prevails.
The world didn't want this battle.
Yet our ignorance sent our men into a different angle. 
 
Thousands of bodies fill the entire shore. 
These men fell hard, like rain onto the mainland. 
Come take quickly! Guns of the dead and boots galore! 
Might as well coat our blood on to your enemy's hand. 
 
War consists of destroying the enemy until they surrender
But what we never think about is how the world would be like after 
People back at home are happy that we won using our bombs
Yet they'll never know what it means to fight in the middle of a hell known as Vietnam 
 
Soldiers go home, after watching their friends die
They feel the warmth of their families but could never find that true peace of mind 
These men stand still as they watch the mothers of the deceased cry
And its because they're having a hard time finding tears that once left them blind
 
Celebrations fill the lands of the winners, 
While the enemy suffers from destruction full-scale. 
The most faithful people were turned into sinners 
because of a war that will never prevail.  

Take me to Church

Take me to church so I can finally slam shut the door
I don’t believe in all that nonsense anymore
Hell is already here so you cant scare me
I wish I could take you to the places I go at night to see
Its all about control and fear to manipulate the masses
But I now see the world through these shit tinted glasses
If there is a creator up there he must be disgusted
By the children abused by the priests that they trusted
My church is my brothers that I went with to War
The  alter the battlefield that we hate and adore
My holy water the blood that was spilled by the young
The dead my saints and my soul the songs that we sung
So take me to church so I can slam shut that door
You call me a heathen but your God created War.



 ©  Tony McNally

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Emerald Isle

Emerald Isle.

 

Over the emerald sea we went

To make it a better place

Patrolling the streets

We could feel the hate

Anger in every face

 

The petrol bombs, burning cars

Shouts of “Contact wait out,”

Drop down to ground

Firing position

This is a War, no doubt

 

Get up move quick hard target

Smoke is stinging my eyes

Then the mob is gone

An eerie silence

Our helicopter hovering in the sky

 

A huge explosion

The day goes black

Ears ringing I can hardly breathe

Sirens wail women scream

My brain finds it hard to conceive

 

Still alive, grab hold of my weapon

Look around to look for my mates

Civilian bodies scattered on the ground

Like children’s dolls

Was this always to be their fate?

 

Brain re-engages

Still scanning the rooftops

Brick commander screams, “ Follow me.”

Hard target back to the Saracen 

Please save me Lord is my silent plea

 

I was saved that day now its thirty years on

Only veterans those events I do talk

Was eighteen when I crossed the Emerald Isle

To my brothers I would say

It was only with you that I could walk that walk.

 

 

© Tony McNally

 

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Then it began

Then it began……
Id read about it
Watched it on TV
Dreamt about it
Here is yours
WAR……
Then it was over
I stopped reading about it
Watching it on TV
Dreaming about it?
Then it began
Again
Again
Again
Again…….
When will it end?

© Tony McNally

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