Pain

Forgotten Son

Forgotten Son

   By jfarrell

(inspired by a Marillion classic)

 

I got taken into Care when I was 11;

Mum and dad visited once,

Then couldn’t be bothered to visit again;

At 14, I stopped visiting them.

 

At 19 I visited, what a mistake that was;

24 was the last time I went back;

And, at 49, I will never see my mum again;

I won’t put myself through that rejection, that hurt.

 

I am the Forgotten Son;

Not prodigal; not lost, mislaid;

A dozen times a day I must think of my mum;

I doubt she’s thought of me once in the last 25 years.

 

I should be more forgiving;

I should be the better person;

But I prefer to remain the Forgotten Son;

Invisible; never born; nothing but a bad dream.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i should be more forgiving - i choose not to be

Please, don't love me

I have more love to give you

Love you could never give back

I have a dark secret I hide

Its if you try love me I'll be selfish, greedy and tell u you lie


At first I'll be fine, and say I don't mind

"I'm just more affectionate but I'm happy you try"

I LOVE YOU, I MEAN IT, NOTHING COULD BE MORE TRUE.

But please, don't love me, I'm selfish and cruel

"why won't you kiss me like I wanted you to"

It because you lie and you don't love me do yoi

 

You say alot, and try show me you do

But I know that you don't, do you think I'm a fool

 

As time goes on, you will distance yourself.

I TOLD YOU! DONT LOVE ME! IM TELLING THE TRUTH


I'll hurt you for love that I know you can't give

ITS YOUR FAULT IM LIKE THIS

U THINK THAT YOU TRY

ILL NEVER FEEL LOVED

FUCK U GO DIE

UR SELFISH, GREEDY AND ALL YOU DO IS LIE

I JUST WANT TO FEEL LOVED.  BUT I JUST MAKE YOU CRY

DONT SAY YOU CANT DO THIS,

you Love me , remember

HA


now this part I hate, because this is the truth

I'm voilent , I'm nasty

I'm selfish,  I'm cruel

I hate me so much..And I hate u still love me as much as u do

 

I LOVE YOU,  REALlY I DO

I beg you. 

Please

Don't love me

Cause one day will come when you will hate me so much

for what I've become

My heart will be broken, and yours will be to

I love you 

I hate me

Now you hate me to


 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

First poem I think it's a poem

I honestly lost the one last good thing in my life because I wouldn't believe that I deserved it.

And truth is.

I don't think I did

Unwanted - I am a constant reminder of your pain

Unwanted – I am a constant reminder of your pain

 

She gave birth to a beautiful little boy

No pain, no sadness, all he brought was pure joy

A new life into this world, for her to love and to hold and call your very own

Her biggest wish was to have more children, her little boy’s clone

 

Pity she didn’t know that it would be her biggest woe

A horror memory engraved in her heart and soul, a memory she will never be able to let go

If she knew, would she have still gone through following her heart’s desires?

I don’t believe so, and those who do, are all liars

 

Two years later she couldn’t wait for the birth of her second baby

This time around, she expected a little girl, but the wait was driving her crazy

This little baby just didn’t want to let go and come out to bloom

Two weeks late after the due arrival she decided to leave the womb

 

Excruciating labour pains for hours is all she felt

Tears streaming down her cheeks while screaming in agony for help

Instead of giving her a caesarean, or calling a doctor, she was told to be silent

The little new-born girl was coming out bridge, large, but no giant

 

The new-born tore her open from side to side

She lost so much blood giving birth, she could have died

Nurses took the baby and called the doctor

Who only arrived a day later and simply gave her pain killers, his carelessness shocked her

 

She didn’t want to see or hear her new-born for days

This little baby girl left her in a constant daze

The baby was to blame for her pain

The baby was to blame that she may never have babies ever again

 

The baby was to blame that she was left alone in a pool of blood

To scream and suffer with so much tears, almost causing a flood

With no one there to ease her pain, no doctor, no friend, no husband, left alone in vain

The baby was to blame for her dismal future which will forever remain

 

Yet, days later she called this child ‘’Desire’’

Funny, that one’s biggest desire could turn out to be your biggest heart’s regret fire

For this poor baby girl was once wanted

But once she greeted this world, she was immediately unwanted

 

Weeks passed, months passed, she loved and cared for a baby girl

But in her mind, she was always reminded of the hell she caused her, this little pearl

Decades passed, the baby grew older into a young precious lady

But still, she could not forgive and forget, she had to tell this child what she did to her as a baby

 

When the child reached her mid-twenties she decided to tell her of the birth from hell

And confessed that she didn’t want anything to do with her for days after the painful spell

She decided to tell her because the child suffered from depression

Showed signs of a cold heart and unlovable, unwanted, signs of death obsession

 

But her confession didn’t change the child’s behaviour

What was done to the new-born decades earlier will leave a lasting scar forever

The feeling of being unwanted, left alone and unloved, no matter how long

That loneliness and empty feeling the child will always carry that burden along

 

It almost seemed to make her happy, taking revenge on her own child, maybe

To remind her daughter on a regular basis of the pain she had caused her as a baby

The regrets that she carries for giving birth and wanting a second child

The regrets that she has still grows very deeply and wild

 

This baby is now 40, and it is me

Three weeks until I turn 41 I was reminded yet again of all the pain I caused her, she is still not free

If I am so unwanted, a constant reminder of your pain

Why then, does God not take me away from your again?

 

Why can’t I just die to ease your horror memories and unforgettable, forgivable pain?

Why does God keep me on this earth in your presence if all you want is revenge over again?

You want to get me back for what I did to you in your womb

You want to hurt my heart and health as much as you can to revenge your pain memories until my doom

 

Once Wanted

Became Unwanted

I am a constant reminder of your misery and pain

 

Why must I be alive? Why does God not take me away? What do you have to gain?

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Remembered not

He was chained in the depths hell

Surrounded by the realm of sin

He was left for dead

Nobody heard his screams

He had no love nor life 

Broken he was beyond repair

He breathed his last breath

Nobody noticed his absence

He faded into oblivion 

The earth engulfed his body 

Until he existed no more

He was never remembered

No one cared 

So he became Death

 

 

 

 

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A Hole: Pain Through The Brain

Folder: 
Poetry

I woke up,

In the mirror I had my closeup.

There was a hole in my throat,

Fastly I slipped into my coat.

 

I went to the hospital,

I was worried I recall.

I gave the fault to Abra,

Who was able to the macabre.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A dream I had.

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i can tell tales of woe

I can tell tales of woe

By Jfarrell

 

I can tell tales of woe

Make you cry

Make you hurt

Make you wish

Things I won’t mention.

 

I can tell tales of destruction

I lit the match

Didn’t mean to, but,

Ashes, ruins, the stench of wet smoke,

How many of us are HERE? Right now?

 

But, I so wish..

 

Tales of hope I can do,

I know I need hope;

Tales of encouragement I can do,

I definitely need that.

 

You,

All of YOU!

Will have to help me with

Tales of love,

I haven’t enough to remember

To recall,

To visualise,

To connect with the feelings…

An experience,

I must have had

Long ago

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

if you like my stuff enough to read, thank you

don't know waht else to say

i long to...

I long to….

 By JFarrell

 

I long to

SCREAM

Let it out, let it all out;

Pain, anger,

Just plain old

Frustration

I so want to

Let it out.

 

I long to

fall in love

To love another totally, absolutely

and be loved back

To be held

Close

Tenderly.

 

I long to

Be a better person

Not this stupid, waste of space;

Maybe

If I were a better person

I wouldn’t have to

Long to….

 

And

I am

So

Trying

 

 

(may you all have beautiful rainbows in your life)

 

(and beautiful dragons too)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

what do you long to.....?

I used to be happy.

I used to be happy
Now I don't know what that is
I was a child when everthing went to shit
Two deaths in the family 
And then a friend died 
My mother's boyfriend turned abusive 
I now have scars to hide
Self-harm I started to help with the pain
Until my hand slipped and I had to go to the ER
I was forced to see a therapist 
And things started to get better
Until the day my mothers friend 
Someone like a brother
Decide to see if he liked children 
Everything came crashing back down 
I had a major break down 
My self-harm started back up 
My therapist I quit 
School I stopped going 
I just laid in bed 
Trying not to think 
Two years have passed since then 
My self-harm I stopped 
I go out now 
I even have friends
But i'm not happy
To many scars
Both physical and mental 
Will stop me from ever being happy.

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Pain

Folder: 
Haqueian Verse

Pain,


As a foe,


Gifts miseries,


In body and,


Brain!


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