Pain

Without You

The days that were before,

O, how have they been lost!

Another tear, the tear,

it will soothe in my love-tossed soul

 

Decidedly, I chose to not forget,

as if there ever was a chance

at this repair, so hopeful I let

the seen things go, until

 

But it is clear, oh very clear

that this soul you don't deserve

that this hopefullness doesn't strike

that it is I you don't care to like

 

for that, I set myself free

from your shackles,

from your tax

upon which you feed,

is there still a chance at this repair?

I stop pondering it,

for my life is to live now,

without this nightmare it's become

without the deceit to overcome

without all the tears you bring into it

Without You

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Were This A Suicide Note From Me

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell you all one final goodbye,

With phony words you won't read,

Saying, For me, please don't cry.

But this is just my simple truth,

So I know no one really even will,

Shed one honest, heartfelt tear,

If my own life...were I to kill.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd ask forgiveness for what I've done.

I'd especially be sorry to,

My daughter...and my sons.

But this is my real existance,

So in fact, no one would care,

That I'd felt the need to end it,

Because the pain was too much to bear.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd tell the one I gave my heart,

Of how he shouldn't pine and weep for me,

And make a brand new start.

But this is just more factual,

To say he'd get over me real fast.

That those words were empty promises,

That were never meant to last.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd say all those final things I'd need to say-

Like, Remember me with smiles,

And remember those happier days.

But this is my own reality,

And they only seem to forget my love,

That for everyone, I only gave my all,

But I was so easy to be disposed of.

 

Were this a suicide note, from me,

I'd remind everyone I love them true.

That this was just my only way out-

To be free from hurt, I did, what I had to do.

But this is just a fantasy note,

Because I'd rather leave it all unsaid.

For they don't care, or love me, while alive,

So why would they, were I dead?

 

 

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Offspring Treason

 

I'm so damn beaten down,

still so emotionally abused,

Cruelly, verbally attacked,

...and so wrongly accused. 

 

From such spiteful, hurtful,

and hateful, misguided fools.

Influenced by others, not aware,

they are being used as tools.

 

Tools, just out to hurt me,

for no actual, damn reason. 

My own flesh and blood-

-An 'offspring-treason'.

 

May as well twist out my heart,

and throw it there, on the floor.

Because it can't take this pain,

or this hurting, anymore.

 

All I've done is try harder,

and cry too many endless tears.

Anything I even try to say,

falls upon, deafened ears.

 

They can't see what they do,

through such tainted eyes.

And no more can I take,

all the vicious attacks and the lies.

 

I birthed them, I nursed them,

I raised and susatined their very lives.

Just to now be paid back in full,

with their back-stabbing knives.

 

It shames me now, to admit,

this abuse, by two children of mine.

Taught so well by him, how to hurt,

and how to abuse and to malign.


For I did not raise them with hate,

only showed them my love and affection.

Their outcome-a result of watching abuse,

and learning all about, his rejection.

 

They are too tainted now, to see truth,

though I pray it someday, can be done.

For even through all this heart-wrenching pain,

I still love my daughter, and my son.

 

New Possibilty

Folder: 
My Ex-Jellybean

I really don't know what to think. 

It's been a few weeks, I believe 

I'm developing feelings 

For another girl. Honestly, 

I just don't want to be

The guy who is always dating

A girl. I'd Like to tell you, but see

I made it clear that I get clearly 

Hurt that you treat 

Me worse than any 

Of your friends. It was me

Who held your hand while you were contemplating,

You just repaid me with extreme 

And utterly crushing misery.

I might see how I feel while seeing 

A new girl. I think that's what I need.

I stayed strong for three

Or four weeks with us just friends, I didn't forsee

I'd end up falling

For her. If it hurts you, I'm sorry,

But it's my own trail that I'm blazing.

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Parsimonious

Folder: 
Personal

"So hot headed,

but heavy is the hand

that is kept from raising.

Which,

 

being how soft

the surface below 

it would fall upon,

it is al and well

 

no hand was raised,

indeed,

but there is no praise 

for such common sense.

 

Uncommon men

and situations

make for comics 

and comical accusations,

 

life's a joke

so sometimes I laugh at it,

but this time around

I keep frowning.

 

So here it is,

laid on the table

the meal made,

with much forethought.

 

And in the end,

all it causes is heat,

feet stomping,

no use for a cooler,

 

all around fire is sprayed

and it keeps trying

to catch, 

skin not lit.

 

Whatever the reason,

be it power or to tower above,

stepping in increases rage,

decreases range.

 

Within striking distance,

add more fuel to the fire

burning deep inside,

taught to never lay a finger

 

on the fairer sex,

but the moment tests all control,

reveal, resist,

total consequence in the rearview.

 

SLew of words,

which hold meaning

spoken out of love or anger,

babble dipping into ears

 

is all tuned out;

been inside my head for hours

already.

So you go,

 

but not before raising your own hand,

no pain felt with the blow,

no weight to it.

But damned if the point isn't realized,

 

asked to leave 

only to come once I'm gone,

leaving my abode vandalized.

How dissapointing.

 

An anger so roasting

kept cool with a conversation

with a friend, 

longboarder, car hoarder,

 

keeps one in check

before diving into a bitter 

back-and-forth.

The bitter look

 

thrown with an intense glare

with one more pass,

feeling sick to the stomach,

but if one wants,

 

just ask.

I can be more specific.

Penurious of kindness,

parsimonious of respect."

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Parsimonious, not to insult anyone's intelligence, is to be stingy; to be witholding (usually of money). Something that you have, but decide not to give, or spend, or show. Being parsimonious is a common reaction to many a great painful events in our lives. But maybe it shouldn't be. For once.

for the cheater

Everything in my life was so 

secure and now you went 

and fucked that all up for me. 

 

I was sober and doing fine 

Now you drive me to spark up, 

To drink up, 

Drowwwwwn my sorrows. 

You surfaced all of the evil in the world 

To my attention. 

You made me see the worst in everyone 

And I hate you for it. 

You say I'm the best thing that's ever happened you 

And that I lifted you up 

When you needed it most 

And what did you do for me? 

Try to drag me down to your level. 

I can't even comprehend 

Your close-mindedness, 

Your ignorance 

It's all beyond belief for me 

I cant understand how someone like you 

That I fell for 

Could turn out so stupid 

But I knew it from the start 

And I ignored it 

Because everyone said we were cute together 

But they were wrong 

Because our personalities clashed like no others. 

You're terrible you're awful 

And I could never tell this to your face because 

I can't hurt you like that, 

I can't stoop down to that level 

But I've never felt more of a need to Drag you back down 

After all I did to bring you up. 

You wasted it you wasted me 

I'm never coming back. 

 

That's the worst mistake you've made, 

You swapped a dime for two pennies 

Maybe more than two pennies

Maybe a handful for poor girls 

Didn't even know. 

They didn't even know 

Because you're evil you didn't tell the poor girls. 

Oh fuck you 

I wish all the harm in the world 

Upon you how could you 

How dare you 

Oh fuck you.

 

Now it's midnight and I still can't sleep

It's lunchtime and I still can't eat

Skipped breakfast, left my lunch in the brown paper bag

Never touched, never craved

Because you've still got me

Feeling nauseas 

Feeling sickened

Sick slimy grime

You're pollution, you're cancer

You're cigarettes to my lungs 

 

In the moment I didn't care much 

I thought I could brush it off

I didn't even like you much

Why is this feeling so fucking intoxicating

Save me from this 

This carcinogenic darkness

That you've inflicted upon me

How can you not be capable

Of thinking 

Deeply

Thinking of life with meaning

You are so shallow

So shallow

I'll never understand

 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I made this right after the guy I was with cheated on me with 2 drunk hoes at a party and told them that I was totally okay with it (obviously not true)

Winter Blood

Folder: 
Voodoo

She stepped out into the night

From out of the Nightmare came a cry

The creature's somber humming ever so quiet

luring the unsuspecting into a frenzy

She is all that stands between

a world of ire and a world of light

The shadows writhe in horror;

their ghastly creation a pale abhorrence

She was to be their Chosen One

A warrior angled to live more

than just a hollow existence

The souls were as bright as the stars

But unearthly blood stained the

tips of her hair, her sword, and her solace

Drop by drop it tinged the ground

The beastly burden of loss

The last chance to take a final breath

And all of it- gone.

No second chance.

However, the silence hungers and from

the fires she wakes

She steps out onto the plains

A blizzard creeps down her spine

The Demon Ruins she must bide

One last stop to sharpen the blade

Fill up the flask and check her Faith

The fool she may be

But bathed in blood, a kingdom undone

She will walk the unknown, let her story unfold

To find the truth

To end the curse

...of Winter Blood

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Inspired by the Dark Souls and Bloodborne franchise :)

Nois Sesbo

Folder: 
Voodoo

The cup was half empty
before we were born
The taste mirrored sour fruit
I collected drops of uncertainty to fill it up
And yet full it never did run
I found you in a sea of faceless books
Drops of laughter filled page after page
of self-loathing
The drug you chose was the remedy
I was deprived
Deep, deep down parts of me
unwound
My darkness, dank and distorted
reached for your elusive light
My madness is infectious
you never stood a chance
We tiptoed silently, searching
for a way around the Burden Tree

A path never travelled would have

been better suited

But now I watch and I wait

you moved on with grace

The staccato rhythm of my thoughts

echo across empty walls

I wish I could split in two

But I was a plague and you were a Pachelbel fugue

Together,

rhyme with no reason

the devil's interval

a space with no shape

...love in an augmented form

But,

the cup was full

the fruit was sweet

And as always...

My madness stained the blue to red

I only know how to create destruction in my Path

I thank the darkness for the distance

and only hope that you find happiness

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

In the event it's not obvious- the title is a play on the word, "obsession." 

Inside-Out

I want you to beat me with a bat.

I want you to break my bones.

You have to take a limb,

A dominant one, obviously.

I want to be hospitalized for months,

And when I'm deemed "healed"

I want it to be obvious

That I struggle daily

With the loss of a part of me

I thought I could always rely on.

I want to go to work

And act like everything is okay,

But lose my job anyway,

Because my performance, just isn't the same.

I want to fall,

And need your hand to get back up.

I want you to see on the outside-

The debilitation I feel inside,

So you can understand

And with heart instead of hand

Help me to my feet again.

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