Mental Health

The effects of child abuse on you

The effects of child abuse on you

By jfarrell

 

I speak of me and my experiences and abuse;

I have no right, or claim, to speak on behalf of others;

Hopefully, this echoes what they may say

And explains why you must listen and stop child abuse.

 

The effect on me;

I cut myself off from my family, my sister;

I didn’t want to pass the abuse on, and I had started;

No friends, alone all my life.

Depression and several suicide attempts.

 

The effect on you, society, tax payers;

My being in care cost upwards of about £500 a week, back then

Double that, my sister’s in care with me;

The years spent in therapy,

In mental hospitals, in A&E after suicide attempts.

And that’s not mentioning the 20 years spent on the sick;

Too ill to work.

 

And that’s just me.

Thousands, tens of thousands of pounds of your money;

Spent on helping me overcome my pain and become a ‘survivor’;

Trust me, in my shoes, this ain’t surviving…

 

And I’m a ‘safe’ victim;

I can only internalise what I feel and hurt myself;

I can’t hit others, get high on crack and turn to crime;

Get drunk and beat my wife and kids like dad did;

I’ve never taken the risk of having a wife and family.

Having no-one, I can hurt no-one.

 

What we go through does affect you. Now and in the future.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

our parents don't mean to **** us up, but they do - i don't rememeber the poet's name, Phillip Larkin?, but, words, so true

The Inner me

The Inner me

By jfarrell

 

Like Dorian Grey, my face looks normal; nothing remarkable;

My arms and torso, always hidden, would reveal a little;

But I always stay covered, I need to hide those marks of my life;

Like Dorian Gray, the inner, hidden-in-the-attic, portrait;

There my life is captured, and stored, in glorious technicolour.

 

The night I cut my wrists; that first overdose of sleeping pills;

My rape when I was 5; another cut, another pill;

My mum’s infidelity; another cut another pill;

Every violence by my father, everytime I was bullied at school;

Another cut, another pill.

 

On the outside, I am unremarkable, instantly forgettable;

But, my hidden portrait;

One look will haunt you, forever;

It’s very horror would scar you, taint you, forever.

I just wish I had the guts to live as selfishly as Dorian Gray. Sometimes.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i'd very much like to be a different shade of grey please

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Peeling the onion

Peeling the onion

By jfarrell

 

My story, my history

Will come out, layer by layer

Within my poetry

And much of it you won’t like;

“let’s leave those horrors for scary stories”

Like peeling an onion, the deeper you go

The more intense it is

 

When I started writing poetry recently

I upset my sister with it;

It’s stuff she’s got over and buried in the past;

And she is the only one of my relatives I give a stuff about;

But she doesn’t believe that

She believes I stay away out of hate and spite;

I stay away coz I seem to hurt everything I touch

I promised her I wouldn’t write personal stuff

 

Sorry, but I’ve got to break that promise

I write for me, I have to write my story

And I have to write it my way

You can choose to not read

But you cannot tell me not to write;

You found your peace;

I’m still searching for mine.

I need to peel this onion.

 

A dream last night

A dream last night

By jfarrell

 

 

 

I dreamt, last night, that my mum had died;

I wonder if it’s prophetic,

The way some dreams are;

And I should be ashamed I feel no sadness, no loss.

 

I got taken into care when I was 11;

(“ and you probably deserved it; only thugs, feral children

And criminals end up in care; you probably deserved it”);

Is the unspoken accusation I hear, all my life.

 

My ‘loving, responsible’ mother

Poured a bottle of vodka down my 8 year old sister’s throat;

Then dumped her, unconscious, on the outside stairs,

When she collapsed.

 

I bet, when my nan and uncle were told about us going into care

There was no mention of alcohol;

I was always the scapegoat;

I was always to blame, every bad was my fault.

 

Hearing that my dad had died, did not release me from the pain;

I doubt my mum’s death will either;

And, 25 years from now I will still be cursing her;

As I do my father, 25 years dead now.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i've had many dreams, i'd describe as prophetic, ie in a sense they came true  - but i've never dreamed about my mother dying, though i've fantasized about it, often - does that make me an evil and wicked person, or just the same as everyone else alive?

national poetry day

 

 National Poetry Day

By jfarrell

 

 

 

KEEP RUNNING!

The stinking tendrils of ancient decayed flesh envelope you,

Engulf you in a nicotined-coloured fog;

Your devil has arrived, demanding payment.

              - horror

 

The moment I saw her face;

It was like a thousand rainbows shone;

All the stars of the heavens bursting into life again

My heart was hers. I would die for her.

                    -romance

 

There was a miserable sod, wrought from Bermondsey;

Dark clouds, thunder; all his life followed he;

But, when to ‘Wales’ he went,

A promised holiday was the event;

A ‘pain in the bum’ was all he received.

                -limerick

 

My madness has made me a god,

Or, maybe, I’m just a conceited sod.

                   - couplet

 

In the shadows, I watch and I learn;

The deep longing within me burns;

To love one, such as you;

And I know my love would be true.

                -rhyming

 

Why poems?

I offer five reasons, five themes, five experiences;

Today is National Poetry Day.

Thank you for coming. Please enjoy your stay :-)

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

happy national poetry day :)

I need to believe

I need to believe

By jfarrell

 

In anything…

Some mystical power called god; mohammed; jaweh; the one;

The newest trendiest diet “cures all ills”;

Luck; synchronicity; love; faith; “trust in the Force, Luke Skywalker”;

Anything.

 

Green Day sang “in the land of make believe, I don’t believe in me”

But, it’s such a truth;

I don’t believe in me

And, I am the only one here.

 

And being the only one here…

I’m the only one to blame;

But I don’t believe in me.. this is why I am such a nothing

My thinking concludes that I don’t exist, and I can’t argue.

 

Though I try, I need to…

But I don’t believe in anything.

But…

Something tells me right from wrong

 

I can be very arrogant and conceited…

Something beyond that tells me, compels me, right from wrong;

When hurt, I can wish the cruellest, most painful revenge;

But something beyond that keeps it all a fantasy

 

And, yes, the voices from the bottom of my beer glass are very tempting;

But I know they are only sirens - I to die in the beauty of their songs.

With nothing…

Life is a raging river, I give up and let it take me where it will

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

river river, carry me home, to the place that i came from - peter gabriel

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I’d love to be able to draw

I’d love to be able to draw

By jfarrell

 

There’s a saying…

“We’ve all got a book inside us”….

I’ve a set clawing at the door to be let out.

There’s just one tiny problem.

 

My writing abilities are good enough to give you

The “Three Billy Goats Gruff” (with pictures - ladybird books)

As a story, but the Tarantino style dialogue,

That’s never gonna get published.

 

But as a ‘manga’ cartoon, or proper drawing of any sort,

I’d get away with it, maybe even get famous, make money;

Another saying “a picture says a dozen words”

If I could draw the images in my mind, getting them out would be easier.

 

But! I can’t draw worth a dime.

But! I can write.

I just gotta learn to write better

And one more thing, before I go…

 

I’d love to write a comedy; few books have made me laugh,

But those that have - I literally hurt myself laughing;

But, I suspect a very bloody, gore-fest of a story wants to be let out first.

Why do I write? Cartharsis - makes me heal, right? Is healthy, get it out.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the world is my grey, slippery elusive son a bitch in the shell that keeps biting me everytime i try to open it .... ouch, it got a fingernail that time, hehe

Am I as stupid as I believe I am?

Am I as stupid as I believe I am?

By jfarrell

 

Between my inability to become jimi hendrix in 6 weeks,

And my inability to work out how therapy or meditation

Helps me cure or manage my chronic depression;

I’ve been convinced I’m really stupid.

 

Cognitive behavioural therapy; lotsa therapies, all with initials;

Mindfulness meditation;

“C’mon! We teach this to primary school children.

How can you not get it, you dumbass?”

 

But

 

In the last 2 months,

I’ve learned how to iron my clothes properly;

Even groom and dress myself properly;

(i never knew I could look so smart)

 

I’ve learned to be a barman

I’ve learned to be a waiter;

I’ve learned to operate a variety of tills

And they all look different

 

I had, even learnt to ask for a sandwich in Arabic;

Forgotten that now, been too busy learning other things;

So much I have learnt; how much can I learn?

Or am I as stupid as I’ve always believed?

 

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Sustainable steps

Sustainable steps

  By jfarrell

 

Agency work is fun

And I am loving how synchronicitous it has been for me;

Having not worked for 17 years,

It’s let me get back into work, a bit at a time;

Sustainable steps.

 

Two shifts this week, three the next;

Two double shifts and a couple singles;

And a fun one tonight,

That’s left me too scared to sleep.

 

Got home from football job very late,

And gotta be at cricket job very early;

I don’t think I will wake up in four hours for work, too knackered;

But, I dare not be late.

 

Really hoping lotsa coffee, bunch of caffeine pills

And caffeine energy drink will “give me wings”

And fly through tomorrow’s 8am til 11pm shift;

“make or break” comes to mind.

 

I’m a 49 year old man who hasn’t worked in 17 years;

Who desperately needs to return to full-time work; with overtime;

ASAP!

I am really hoping this is a sustainable step :)

 

(been with agency 2 months now - love it)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

cricket - is that the one with a big bat? all sports loook the same to me :)

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