desperation

Maybe I'll Be It

You feel you can deplete me

Make me feel small

Have me question you, 

Then get angry when I do

 

I hold onto you

Feel hopeless without you

Grab on to your coat tails

And let you drag me through the mud

 

I am nothing without you

Or so I tell myself sometimes

You are nothing without me

 

What's happening here?

How am I losing focus?

What's happening to me?

Where am I going?

 

Only following you

Only seeing you

Wondering why you float away from me

 

I am stronger than this

I am a woman

I am independent when I need to be

And I can kick your teeth in

 

I'm not begging for you

Or giving you that time of day

Make your own decision

 

Maybe I'll be it

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2/20/2018

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S.S.D.D.

He decided to walk around one hot fall afternoon. There was no destination other than the one the wind wished, and his first stop was a convenience store. He decided to buy a soda, his favorite soda. It was hard to describe its taste, some people liked it, and some people hated it, he loved it. He decided he needed two bottles instead of one.
 
- Sames as always? - The cashier asked.
 
He paid for the drinks and kept walking. He thought he needed some food to complement his drink, so he went to his next destination, a local restaurant. He ordered a burger, his favorite burger. It was a bizarre combination of chips, meat, and cheese. Some people didn't even try that burger because of its ingredients, he loved it.
 
- Same as always? - Asked the waiter.
 
He realized he had fallen in a routine, so he wanted to try something new, after finishing his burger and sodas. He went to the library to do homework, but the only available places were the fifth and fourth floor. Since he always went to the fifth floor, he decided to go to the fourth. He saw some familiar faces there, but one special face for him told him:
 
- Oh, again doing homework in the library? I always see you around here. -
 
Surprised by this, he decided to do homework in his dormitory, where he found his roommate lying in his bed.
 
- Again saw the girl you liked? You always come home when you see her. -
 
Infuriated by his habits he decided to not do homework, just to break the habit. The next day, a friend of his asked him:
 
- Why are you mad? You never do homework when you're mad. -
 
As the straw that broke the camel's back, he decided to go again for a walk, on a cold fall afternoon. He was absorbed in his thoughts, and lost the passage of time. When he came back from his thoughts it was already night and colder than before. He missed only one class, but that was enough for his professor to notice it:
 
- Are you okay? Normally students skip class when they're feeling down. -
 
He responded as cordially possible, even though he was feeling useless. Nothing that he did seemed to work, and the routine seemed unbreakable. He didn't want to drink beer to calm himself, he knew someone will tell him about his routine.
 
The merciless thoughts kept coming, and as if it were some sort of conspiracy, he concluded that he just needed to embrace his habits, it was who he was after all. So he decided to go for a drink, not out of sadness, but out of happiness.
 
- You look different, same as always? - said the bartender.
 
He nodded and drank one, two, and then three beers. Leaving with a smile and his face, and no money in his pockets, the young drunk went to his bedroom and fell asleep. The next morning he decided to do the homework due next week on the fifth floor of the library, there, he saw a beautiful girl he knew that told him:
 
- What's with that grin on your face? Did something good happen to you? -
 
He felt flattered, and realize he made the right desition, and when asked what changed in him, he says:
 
- I kept doing the same thing, same stuff, different day.
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Pretty Boy I Want To Call Mine

Folder: 
Love

Every day that goes by

I see myself bigger in my eye

But when I look at yours I know I'm living a lie

You pretty boy I want to call mine

You change my point of view on anything and everything

You even make me feel the impossible

Like I'm flying with my broken wings

You pretty boy I want to call mine

You make me feel special when you look into my eye

?How much longer do I have to wait

?To make a move before it's too late

You pretty boy I want to call mine

I drown in your ocean blue eyes 

And I dream about your red lips, they look so fine

?How many girls have drooled over you

?And how many have held your hands

You pretty boy I want to call mine

Your smile makes my body whine

It brings warmth to my heart

And dirty thoughts to my mind

You make my heart stop

And my body to tingle with flames

You pretty boy I want to call mine

Even when my body is not awake

You find a way to enter my dreams

And all I see is you and me on a date beside the lake

Even when I'm taking an exam

Your name comes acroos my brain several times

You pretty boy I want to call mine

Every time I say I'm over you, you show me it's not yet

And reveal to me an amazing side of yours I haven’t met

Your care freeness and your freeness I envy and love

How you can enjoy and care less about the mess

Everything about you I want, even in your worse

Together I'm sure we can open new doors

You pretty boy I want to call mine

My desperation is getting out of line

 But your dreamy eyes tells me its fine

In my head I'm yours and you are mine

But when reality struck 

I know I have no luck   

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desperation

Desperation

 

At the edge of a path

where my destiny leads.

with no options to see

satisfaction is nowhere to be seen.

with no hope to be

a dream will inspire me.

to take a leap

where faith detaches from greed

desperation i see.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's a motivational sorta thing for me. Please leave a comment and any thoughts you may have :)

View flboy555's Full Portfolio

WAITING

Waiting.

That machine in front of me carries possibilities.  In a morning filled

with dread and desperation, it puts for a silent hope.  Yet who is there

on the other end that not only can but will answer?  My chosen I cannot

reach.  Even so, she is too far away to come.


I wait.

And as I wait, the turmoil and terror builds within, searching for a

breach in my defenses, ready to come broiling through at the slightest

weakness.


Searching.

Through dirty, darkened goggles I seach for a name, a number, a hope,

for there lies in another room an answer that will suffice.


I reach.

And in reaching a spill is made and the emptiness of pain splatters a

 scattering of its drops on my face, easing the tightened rein I have

enforced.  With shaking hands and contorted face I dial numbers that

are dear to me.  Will my friend be there?  Will they, too, reject my plea

for help?   As the ringing stops my hnd lowers, cutting off the light of

hope it represents.


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He Underestimated Me..

Folder: 
Collabrotions

Collaboration Shequita Phillips & Evolutions of poetry

(Shequita)
Black woman we are sexy smart
don't take no stuff
we be the baddest women of all times
we are real woman not fake women
who's love is supposed to be taking for granted
our love is pure down to the core
love when we women love
we love hard and strong
we give all of ourselves to love him
but he doesn't recognizes how deep love is

(EOP)
It's a true testimony
How love can turn so ugly
The times have changed
So bitter sweet
How can I look you in the eye
When falseness is all I see
You thought i was weak
That tells me you under estimated
The power of my women hood
Bitten by the love viper
Don't make no mistakes
I am strong at will
A powerful Virgin
Out to hunt my pray and kill

(Shequita)
Shattered dreams you thought you could walk all over my heart
love was the key you had and you threw it all away
taking my love as if it was a joke
taking my kindness for weakness I am strong
you took my love for granted
so now your all alone now your bitter
cause you under estimated my love
now I'm out the door

(EOP)
Pounding the pavement looking for another
Hoping you can score to fill the void
As my venom runs deep with in you
You realized your hooked
So you come looking for a quick fix
Oh hell naa you been shook
Struck down in the street
Like the dog you are
Looking poor mouth and lonely
Why because you need a taste of this
From the same woman you choose to dismiss
Yeah right, I feel your pain
Paying you no damn mind
As i watch you go insane

(Shequita)
Yeah I know you stuck looking like a dam fool
cause you wiped begging me to come back to you
you underestimated my love trying to be a pimp a player
begin the dog that you are so I'm ghost in the wind you never see me weeping again
you choose to dismiss me out of your life
now your going insane from the loneliness you feel
you had it made but you choose to dismiss me
so I'm gone away
now you looking like a fool lonely and broken hearted

(EoP)
Are those tears I see, boy stop playing with me
You talked so much shit, I never knew you had a heart
Now you crying, are you down on your knees
Boy get the hell up and stop begging,
Please!
There is no return on this train ticket
Didn't you hear the conductor
All abroad, sure doesn't mean i'm going backwards
So just suck it up and let it go
Please go play with your little whores
You know the ones who always kept you company
When you stayed out all night cheating on me

(Shequita)
You say baby I love you but you never stop to think
about that shit when you lefted me home alone
you out all night long cheating with the sluts
I'm moving forward not looking backward
your crying which I don't feel sorry for you
moving on this train I'm gone

(Eop)
I see your remissness about what attracted you to me
If i remember correctly, it was my strong will and integrity
But you made your choices to mistreat me
And I am making a choice to remove you from my life
Dropping all the dead weight and worthlessness
I know I deserve better and yes i will have it too
So stop begging im out of your life
For good and forever
You should have never underestimated my love

(c)2012 Shequita Phillips & Cassandra Evolutionsofpoetry covington

Gravity

Folder: 
From 2008 and on

Gravity. By Nikki Price Sometime in 2010

Rain pours. I turn a key and the sound of the click makes me smile. Something works, but not my life. The thunderous sound of the rain on the roof drowns out the sounds of the tv and my mind drifts away. Time passes as I sit numbly, staring out into space. Perhaps I wouldn’t exist except for the heaviness in my heart that pulls my body to the ground.
A loud click rings out – a door is opening. I jump, mumble an answer. Alone again. I’m a robot. I have no control of my life. Some force pulls the puppet strings and I move, some machine feeds out my answers and forces polite smiles onto my face. No choice, no say, just oblige to the hypocrisy. Mind shifts, starting to lose focus. Moments of nothingness. My diamond ring sparkles. Some lucky woman deserves it, some lucky couple in love. Why is it on my finger?
I am glad it’s raining. Is God crying the tears my body refuses to cry? I wish I could lie down in the rain, let the torrent wash over me, either drowning me or lifting me into the sky. Is madness so bad?
Few people would miss me now. My finger lovingly traces the contours of the face of death. Promise me it won’t be painful, okay? Will God take the ache away or make me bare it for eternity? Truth is, I’m dead already, but somehow my body lives on. Like brother Scarecrow I have no heart, for I gave mine away and never got it back. Greedy man; I smile, but it doesn’t make it to my lips. Turns out it was a gift never wanted, but nevertheless “no returns”. My heart wants to believe so bad that he was kidding, of course he loves me too – secretly, bone deep. This is how I know I am mad.
Am I hungry? Not sure. Am I tired at this wee hour of the morning? I don’t know. All I can feel is the absence of you that always makes me feel tired and my heart feel heavy. You tantalize me with friendly words, but my very soul aches for so much more. I want to know you, the ever-developing person of you, but will you let me? Some cherished moments of tender connection, then so much distance I feel pushed away. You have a life, your own life. I have dreams, memories, longings that threaten to ruin my life, my robot life. If I demolished my life for the sake of being closer to you, one of two things would happen: I would feel great happiness at following my “id” despite the fact that you would probably reject me again, or I would be more scared and alone than I am now, with no one to turn to. But the manifestation of you in my mind constantly calls out to me, giving me very little peace. It teases me, bidding me to come closer, to taste, to touch. I open my eyes and you disappear. Leave me in my dreams where my affections are returned.
But robot woman has a robot husband who gave her a big, sparkly ring. People become machines when the heart is silenced, when loyalties are not questioned, when souls form deep chasms of emptiness that echoes with desperation.
Eyelids grow heavy, breathing slows, sleep comes. Dreams begin.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

About a year and a half before I got divorced.

I Can't Remember

Fading into a
Haze, that rises
All around,
My vision is clouded,
And I
Can't
Remember.

In the distance
I can sense the presence,
Of a long forgotten memory.
Desperately, I try to find my way out
Of the haze,
But I
Can't
Remember.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

All the important memories are the ones that tend to slip away.

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Medley of my insanity 4

shes starting to kick again..
crowding my thoughts.. drowning my heart.. blocking my veins..
can barely breathe..
im losing my grip.. im starting to feel numb.. the hell i want to scream.

why do i have these kind of feeling?
it keeps coming,circling,waiting and kicks without warning.
i need a smile.. but i cant afford it anymore,
so afraid of losing my sanity again,
dont want to be pick up again from the floor.

i want shout it out,dont want to hide it anymore,
but im hearing that weird medley again,this time more intense,
more vivid than it was before.
i need to find a way,wash it all out my system,
so tired of hearing my own self,why wont anybody else listen?

shes kicking again,i can taste the wine of perdition,
i can smell the blood of pervasive loneliness,and the abyss of desperation.
somebody hold me now,walk me to my destiny,
please dont make me hum again these medley of my insanity

Author's Notes/Comments: 

just one of those days.. when i feel like shit!

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