To hear you say…

To hear you say…

By jfarrell


To hear you say “I love you”

I would have sprouted wings and flew

So happy, so joyous those words would have made me feel

From you, my mother


To hear you say “I’m proud of you”

I would have pulled the stars from the sky

And made of them a crown

For you, my mother


I heard you say “I should have smothered you at birth”

And I feel crushed, hated

Outcast and rejected

By you, my mother


I heard you say “I should have had you aborted”

And I feel aborted;

Stopped, cast aside

And incomplete


I still hear what you said

After all these years, over all these many miles

Has my silence, my absence, gotten through to you

After all these years, can you still hear me



I still want to hear you say

“I love you”

To me, your son

Author's Notes/Comments: 

sadly true

Lost my temper

Lost my temper

By jfarrell


I was 12 last time I lost my temper; I’m 49 now;

My friend, Andrew, in the children’s home,

Told me, he’s being discharged; I’d never see him again;

I attacked, and beat the crap outta another kid, in the home.


At 15, my children’s home was closed down violently;

My sister and I were separated; not that we were close before;

I saw the cycle - how my dad comes home drunk, beats up everyone;

I saw my being bullied at school; I’d come home bully her.


12 to 49 is a long way with no friends; and family I’m scared to go near;

Online friends is the closest I can get to friends? Or, cats?

What a sad, so very sad loser I must be!!!!!

Pathetic waste of space!


Wallowing, consumed, drowning in my bubble;

I have hurt people along the way, not bad, not violent;

And I never meant to; I always tried to do right;

37 years later, I still haven’t lost my temper.


But, maybe if I had taken that risk, that chance,

I wouldn’t be alone, and so permanently alone as I feel;

I haven’t lost my temper in 37 years, should I feel proud of that?

Or should I revel in the solitude? Always alone…


Having no-one,

i can hurt no-one.

Bad, anyway





Author's Notes/Comments: 

if this is another step forward in recovery, i must be a black-belt ju-jitsu, capacle of somersaulting through the air while shooting 2 machine guns, keanu reeves, matrix style - just not dressed so good - or.... am i still just a alcoholic?

ooooh, ooooh, bottle of beer needs opening :-) be right back :-)

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All apologies

All apologies

By jfarrell


(Kurt Cobain, Nirvana - genius band - “what else should I be? All apologies)


I’m not like you; sorry; I so wish I was;

I can’t feel, think, look, act like you;

I can’t be what you want;

I can only be me.

My very humblest apologies.


I can explain precisely, in detail, why;

But, would it matter?

You need me to reflect something of you

But I can only reflect my own emptiness;

I am so very terribly sorry.


Mum; mother; mater; ma; Kathy;

I am so very sorry you carried for nine months;

Hoping for that baby girl you’d always dreamed of;

But, I was born a boy;

Please forgive me, I am so very sorry.

So very lonely.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

whats sadder (or stupider) - i still want to hear my mum say 'i love you' - i haven't seen the bitch in 25 years, and i ain't starting now - so, she cant

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By jfarrell


It starts early, that’s all I really understand,

Before I started school I was ‘outside’;

Left to feel ‘not a part’;

Left to feel unwanted.


When I started school, I was already the perfect victim;

‘No-one cares, no-one’s gonna stop us’;

Everyone knew it,

And so, they didn’t stop.


Bullied from the day I started school

Until the day I left;

I hoped it would stop there;

We’re all adults, now, right?


What a fool I was back then.


I hurt, but wasn’t going to school and stabbing someone

Because of it.


But, three months short of my 50th birthday, maybe…

I’ve never trusted anyone enough to have friends;

I don’t know how to feel comfortable around people

And I probably never will


I don’t know how many billions people on this planet, it doesn’t matter;

I see and hear you, but you are as out of reach

As the people I see on TV screens

And… if I did reach out… and touch one of you… you’d scream


Here, outside of everyone, looking in;

I don’t feel lonely; I don’t feel rejected;

I feel hated.

My parents ostracised me back then and this where I sit today.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

there must be a way back in, right?

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Forgotten Son

Forgotten Son

   By jfarrell

(inspired by a Marillion classic)


I got taken into Care when I was 11;

Mum and dad visited once,

Then couldn’t be bothered to visit again;

At 14, I stopped visiting them.


At 19 I visited, what a mistake that was;

24 was the last time I went back;

And, at 49, I will never see my mum again;

I won’t put myself through that rejection, that hurt.


I am the Forgotten Son;

Not prodigal; not lost, mislaid;

A dozen times a day I must think of my mum;

I doubt she’s thought of me once in the last 25 years.


I should be more forgiving;

I should be the better person;

But I prefer to remain the Forgotten Son;

Invisible; never born; nothing but a bad dream.




Author's Notes/Comments: 

i should be more forgiving - i choose not to be

The Costly Rejection

She did reject me,

When it was raining badly,

Costly was the rejection,

As it tore my heart apart, not to mention!


I found myself in a scene,

Which was akin to a hell unseen!

As if I forgot walking!

As if I were dying!

I felt suffocated right then,


I wished to forget the moment time and again!

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The epitome of rejection,

She was the person

No one needed.

And certainly...

No one wanted.

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A trophy

You've won;


but your opponent didn't play.


Didn't know it was a game.

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What is love?

What’s that thing called love mean?

Is it when you live a dream?


When your understanding is clear and teem?

Or is it when your tears form a stream,


They drop and gleam,

Because you care so much,


As to wish for a single warm clutch.

But for to ask something as such,


They couldn’t do,

Or they wouldn’t do it for you.

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