Mental Health

Can I Get A Refund?

Can I Get A Refund?

   By jfarrell

 

This is not what I signed up for;

“These are the rules…”

I followed the rules.

 

And I am nowhere I can recognise;

Where are my family?

My friends?

 

Oh, yeah;

Family - separated long ago;

Friends - I drove the last I had away!

 

“Jim, you’re so negative”

“Jim, you’re weak, tell you what…”

“Don’t phone me.”

 

So, I didn’t.

“Jim, my computer’s broken, can you fix it?”

What did I miss?

 

I’m so desperate for friends I’ll jump when he says?

I’m so drunk I won’t remember what he said;

I’m so stupid, it won’t matter?

 

I want a refund!

People suck!

Can I get a refund please?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

refund 'r' us :)

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Dragon’s Release

Dragon’s Release

   By jfarrell

 

Yes, I understand now.

I can’t visually describe my dragon…

And what kinda dragon’s that?

I’m, scared to.

 

(Sting - “be yourself, no matter what they say”)

 

Be myself..

Today, I could, quite happily, cut my dad’s throat,

And piss over his grave;

Same for my mother;

And, describing, visualising, this darkness,

Is a good thing?

 

Yes!

Whether you hurt me a long time ago;

Or whether you were my scumbag neihgbours,

Yesterday, praising god all day, in your arrogance,

Pissing me off, giving me no choice..

 

My dragon looks like hate, my hate;

And it aint about skin colour, or your politics;

It’s about how you make me feel!

I have no voice? What I feel doesn’t matter?

Fuck you!

 

Release this shit!

Sorry for the swearing, but it felt needed;

So sorry :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

gotta let it free

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Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

By jfarrell

 

 

“Hello, you are through to…” whoever you called;

“You are in a queue.”

Why is it always Vivaldi’s four seasons,

And I don’t know which.

 

I don’t know much about classical music,

I’m more a Queen, Marillion, Metallica,

Kinda dude…

Why are we being forced to hate Vivaldi?

 

And I know it’s the Kafkaesque part,

I should ask about…

I phone number ‘A’, am told to phone number ‘B’

And round and round till I get told I’m spose to be

Speaking to number ‘A’

 

But, why Vivaldi?

If it was Abba,

I reckon more people would be less pissed off.

I don’t even like classical music;

Why am I spose to hate Vivaldi?

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i like Holst's 'The Planets'

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Memories Fade

Memories Fade

                                  By jfarrell

 

(“memories fade, but the scars still linger” - tears for fears, great band)

 

I was about 5 when it happened,

44 years ago;

But everytime I do something entirely normal,

I can’t help but very graphically remember, relive,

That incident.

 

Some memories fade, just the scars linger;

Some memories have to be relived day after day.

If only we could choose which memories;

Trust me, I’d choose happy, nice memories,

Not being violently raped when I was 5. Who would?

 

Like yesterday, I remember too much of the first 10 years,

And increasingly less of the years after;

And, as for the last 10, memories fade;

I tell myself, this was yesterday, its gone;

But, each morning I relive it again.

 

So much for thinking positive :(

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

be positive, aewsome, yeah

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Stepping Up

Stepping Up

By JFarrell

 

 

The last time I worked was 31st March 2000

This Sunday, 6th August 2017

I will be a barman at Wembley Stadium

For the start of the football season

My first day of work in a long time

 

From waste of space drunk to the FA Community Shield

In a little over three months

Can I really change? Can I make it?

Leave my alcoholism and past behind

And move into a new, brighter future?

 

The stadium seats ninety thousand people

I get anxious being around just one person

I am absolutely ‘bricking it’

But if I can cope with this

I’ll be able to cope with anything

 

I am 49 years old

Facing fears in a major way

Forcing my life into a new direction

I am stepping up to the plate

Let’s hope I don’t suck

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

come on Arsenal

Webs

Webs

By JFarrell

 

 

“What if…?”, starts the web

One thought, one tiny feeling of doubt

Screams with such deafening force

The echoes ricochet back

Pummelling you with the shrapnel of anxiety

Suddenly, your mind is racing

From “what if…?” to “WHAT IF…?”

The thousand fears that instantly flood you

Are corrosive, adhesive, sinuous, entangling

Beguilingly wrapping themselves about you

Tighter and tighter, crushing the breath out of you

Gossamer tendrils of fear cling to all your thoughts

The more you struggle the tighter they constrict

Ensnared, rooted, trapped

Like the fly thrashing about in the web

Trying to break free

Your misery only serves to be the appetizer

For the spider approaching from your soul

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

here ends the web

Chrysalis

Chrysalis

   By JFarrell

 

A time to breathe, to rest;

To recharge my batteries;

A seven day cocoon of non-activity;

Between an end and a new beginning.

 

From waste of space drunk,

I’ve crawled, dragged myself up to walk;

Ran with a bug up my ass through college;

Now, to sprout my wings as wide as I can.

 

Tomorrow I have my first job interview;

Actual paid work, for money;

My first this century;

Look at them wings, ain’t they magnificent?

 

Watch me;

Dammit, I’m flying already;

From a drunken maggot, I grew,

Into this wondrous…..

DRAGON………….. hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

;-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i can change :) or i will die trying :-) love having no options ;-)

Heroes

Heroes

                          By JFarrell

 

I wanna be a hero; don’t we all?

 

Whether super smooth Humphrey Bogart

Or action-packed Bruce Willis;

Super fit tennis ace Andy Murray

Or Mr Sexy-Voice himself, Barry White;

Courage, success, talent, charisma… and the ladies.

 

Heroes are important;

They are something to look up to,

To gain inspiration from;

And not just the superficial stuff;

Important stuff too.

 

“I will work until my illness stops me working,”

I still know little about Steve Jobs,

But.. there is something… different.. something inspirational..

And some people, like Einstein, Martin Luther King

Change the whole world, and everyone in it.

 

I wanna be a hero;

Most of all, to me;

Just to be someone I can accept, love and be proud of

To be someone I am happy with;

That would make me a hero.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

looking for a hero

Desperately seeking for …

Desperately seeking for …

By JFarrell

 

 

 

 

I’ve looked behind the curtain and under the bed;

My rucksack and fridge are bereft of any presence;

Nowhere to be seen at the local shopping mall;

And the library was a really good guess, but no, not there

(Of all places, should have been the library).

 

I retrace my steps; I gotta find…

Outside my front door, down the stairs, to my newsagents;

No…. no, and…… no

Where the bloody hell….

I KNOW, around here, somewhere…

 

 

Ok, another idea - visualise it, that’ll help you find it;

Great idea… just one problem…

What the hell does inspiration look like?

The reason, the need, the cause, the belief

To become that better person that my flaws deny.

 

Change is such a small word, sounds so simple,

Click your fingers and “POW”, I’m superman, Einstein, whoever

Who I am, what I am, isn’t good enough

So change I must

And if you could point me in the direction of inspiration

 

I’d be very grateful    :-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the magic pill is around here somewhere :-)