Mental Health

The worm that turned

The worm that turned

   By jfarrell

 

(thank you to The Two Ronnies, “The Worm that Turned” was one of the funniest stories ever)

 

I am a worm

A “man” according to my dangly bits

My dad tried to beat being a man into me

If he was to be my example

It basically meant hitting women and anyone half my height

Other than the occasional fly nuked to goo with fly spray

I don’t hit anyone

Hurt me, I’ll go home, cry and hurt myself more

Yeah, big man, right?

Worm

Please turn

Stop hurting yourself when others hurt you

Please, turn,

Hurt them back

Stop being a worm, be a man

Please, soon

This worm must turn

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i wonder if slugs and worms are related?

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Why are my feelings always so dark?

Why are my feelings always so dark?

By jfarrell

 

Why, when something goes wrong,

Do I always go straight to thoughts and feelings of suicide?

I’m sure many have been where I am;

Done nothing wrong and just lumbered

With £800 worth of rent arrears.

And, though I don’t imagine they smiled,

Said “Thank you, guv’nor, shaft me some more”

I do imagine they got on with it;

Sucked it up, went out and paid it all off.

Instead, I just feel down, dark, full of rage

Full of self pity

This new obstacle before me just saps

What little hope and confidence I had

And all I can do is sit down and cry “I give up”

Why?

Why can’t I be like others,

Just suck it up and get on with it;

Find a job, pay off them arrears

Instead I feel I just can’t go on anymore

Why try? They’re only gonna kick me in the teeth again

And tell me to suck it up

I hate this self pity and I hate this anger

Hopefully, one day, a worm will turn

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

good morning, Worm, your honour

Is There A Point?

Is There A Point?

  By jfarrell

 

I’ve tried,

But I just can’t make this goddamn machine work right;

Me, as a person, as a machine, piece of meat;

What am I spose to be?

 

Me? I’ve been nothing for too long;

Drunk, drowning in my own misery;

“that’s a life choice; you can fix that”;

I’ve been trying.

 

As much as I want to think “now is all I have, tomorrow is yet to be written.”

When I start tomorrow, yesterday will enslave me;

Before I wake, the dark that stalks my dreams, my waking;

And that’s just the crap in my head.

 

Why I’m still here, I don’t know;

Probably just cowardice;

Sorry, but, really,

Is there a point to this?

 

Is there a point? To all of this? To life?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i'm still asking

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I don’t wanna be me

I don’t wanna be me

   By jfarrell

 

I don’t wanna be me;

I don’t know how it works;

I press the buttons,

But… that’s not what I meant, how I meant.

 

All around me,

People get on with life;

They have their personal disasters,

Their worries and anxieties

 

But, they get on with it;

I want to, too;

I don’t wanna be me no more;

Useless waste of space

 

And not “drunk” - waste of space, yeah,

But ‘drunk’ has always been an excuse;

But, it’s never been the reason;

I don’t know how it works…

 

I press the buttons…

I smile, coz it’s what I’m spose to do,

But what comes back is meaningless;

Incomprehensible.

 

I don’t wanna be me,

But I don’t know how to be someone else;

And I don’t know how to pretend to be better than me;

Coz, I’m me.

 

I guess we’ve all been there, right?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

can i be you, please? :)

Can I Get A Refund?

Can I Get A Refund?

   By jfarrell

 

This is not what I signed up for;

“These are the rules…”

I followed the rules.

 

And I am nowhere I can recognise;

Where are my family?

My friends?

 

Oh, yeah;

Family - separated long ago;

Friends - I drove the last I had away!

 

“Jim, you’re so negative”

“Jim, you’re weak, tell you what…”

“Don’t phone me.”

 

So, I didn’t.

“Jim, my computer’s broken, can you fix it?”

What did I miss?

 

I’m so desperate for friends I’ll jump when he says?

I’m so drunk I won’t remember what he said;

I’m so stupid, it won’t matter?

 

I want a refund!

People suck!

Can I get a refund please?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

refund 'r' us :)

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Dragon’s Release

Dragon’s Release

   By jfarrell

 

Yes, I understand now.

I can’t visually describe my dragon…

And what kinda dragon’s that?

I’m, scared to.

 

(Sting - “be yourself, no matter what they say”)

 

Be myself..

Today, I could, quite happily, cut my dad’s throat,

And piss over his grave;

Same for my mother;

And, describing, visualising, this darkness,

Is a good thing?

 

Yes!

Whether you hurt me a long time ago;

Or whether you were my scumbag neihgbours,

Yesterday, praising god all day, in your arrogance,

Pissing me off, giving me no choice..

 

My dragon looks like hate, my hate;

And it aint about skin colour, or your politics;

It’s about how you make me feel!

I have no voice? What I feel doesn’t matter?

Fuck you!

 

Release this shit!

Sorry for the swearing, but it felt needed;

So sorry :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

gotta let it free

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Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

By jfarrell

 

 

“Hello, you are through to…” whoever you called;

“You are in a queue.”

Why is it always Vivaldi’s four seasons,

And I don’t know which.

 

I don’t know much about classical music,

I’m more a Queen, Marillion, Metallica,

Kinda dude…

Why are we being forced to hate Vivaldi?

 

And I know it’s the Kafkaesque part,

I should ask about…

I phone number ‘A’, am told to phone number ‘B’

And round and round till I get told I’m spose to be

Speaking to number ‘A’

 

But, why Vivaldi?

If it was Abba,

I reckon more people would be less pissed off.

I don’t even like classical music;

Why am I spose to hate Vivaldi?

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i like Holst's 'The Planets'

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Memories Fade

Memories Fade

                                  By jfarrell

 

(“memories fade, but the scars still linger” - tears for fears, great band)

 

I was about 5 when it happened,

44 years ago;

But everytime I do something entirely normal,

I can’t help but very graphically remember, relive,

That incident.

 

Some memories fade, just the scars linger;

Some memories have to be relived day after day.

If only we could choose which memories;

Trust me, I’d choose happy, nice memories,

Not being violently raped when I was 5. Who would?

 

Like yesterday, I remember too much of the first 10 years,

And increasingly less of the years after;

And, as for the last 10, memories fade;

I tell myself, this was yesterday, its gone;

But, each morning I relive it again.

 

So much for thinking positive :(

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

be positive, aewsome, yeah

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Stepping Up

Stepping Up

By JFarrell

 

 

The last time I worked was 31st March 2000

This Sunday, 6th August 2017

I will be a barman at Wembley Stadium

For the start of the football season

My first day of work in a long time

 

From waste of space drunk to the FA Community Shield

In a little over three months

Can I really change? Can I make it?

Leave my alcoholism and past behind

And move into a new, brighter future?

 

The stadium seats ninety thousand people

I get anxious being around just one person

I am absolutely ‘bricking it’

But if I can cope with this

I’ll be able to cope with anything

 

I am 49 years old

Facing fears in a major way

Forcing my life into a new direction

I am stepping up to the plate

Let’s hope I don’t suck

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

come on Arsenal