Mental Health

Is There A Point?

Is There A Point?

  By jfarrell

 

I’ve tried,

But I just can’t make this goddamn machine work right;

Me, as a person, as a machine, piece of meat;

What am I spose to be?

 

Me? I’ve been nothing for too long;

Drunk, drowning in my own misery;

“that’s a life choice; you can fix that”;

I’ve been trying.

 

As much as I want to think “now is all I have, tomorrow is yet to be written.”

When I start tomorrow, yesterday will enslave me;

Before I wake, the dark that stalks my dreams, my waking;

And that’s just the crap in my head.

 

Why I’m still here, I don’t know;

Probably just cowardice;

Sorry, but, really,

Is there a point to this?

 

Is there a point? To all of this? To life?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i'm still asking

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

I don’t wanna be me

I don’t wanna be me

   By jfarrell

 

I don’t wanna be me;

I don’t know how it works;

I press the buttons,

But… that’s not what I meant, how I meant.

 

All around me,

People get on with life;

They have their personal disasters,

Their worries and anxieties

 

But, they get on with it;

I want to, too;

I don’t wanna be me no more;

Useless waste of space

 

And not “drunk” - waste of space, yeah,

But ‘drunk’ has always been an excuse;

But, it’s never been the reason;

I don’t know how it works…

 

I press the buttons…

I smile, coz it’s what I’m spose to do,

But what comes back is meaningless;

Incomprehensible.

 

I don’t wanna be me,

But I don’t know how to be someone else;

And I don’t know how to pretend to be better than me;

Coz, I’m me.

 

I guess we’ve all been there, right?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

can i be you, please? :)

Can I Get A Refund?

Can I Get A Refund?

   By jfarrell

 

This is not what I signed up for;

“These are the rules…”

I followed the rules.

 

And I am nowhere I can recognise;

Where are my family?

My friends?

 

Oh, yeah;

Family - separated long ago;

Friends - I drove the last I had away!

 

“Jim, you’re so negative”

“Jim, you’re weak, tell you what…”

“Don’t phone me.”

 

So, I didn’t.

“Jim, my computer’s broken, can you fix it?”

What did I miss?

 

I’m so desperate for friends I’ll jump when he says?

I’m so drunk I won’t remember what he said;

I’m so stupid, it won’t matter?

 

I want a refund!

People suck!

Can I get a refund please?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

refund 'r' us :)

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

Dragon’s Release

Dragon’s Release

   By jfarrell

 

Yes, I understand now.

I can’t visually describe my dragon…

And what kinda dragon’s that?

I’m, scared to.

 

(Sting - “be yourself, no matter what they say”)

 

Be myself..

Today, I could, quite happily, cut my dad’s throat,

And piss over his grave;

Same for my mother;

And, describing, visualising, this darkness,

Is a good thing?

 

Yes!

Whether you hurt me a long time ago;

Or whether you were my scumbag neihgbours,

Yesterday, praising god all day, in your arrogance,

Pissing me off, giving me no choice..

 

My dragon looks like hate, my hate;

And it aint about skin colour, or your politics;

It’s about how you make me feel!

I have no voice? What I feel doesn’t matter?

Fuck you!

 

Release this shit!

Sorry for the swearing, but it felt needed;

So sorry :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

gotta let it free

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

Vivlaldi’s Four Seasons

By jfarrell

 

 

“Hello, you are through to…” whoever you called;

“You are in a queue.”

Why is it always Vivaldi’s four seasons,

And I don’t know which.

 

I don’t know much about classical music,

I’m more a Queen, Marillion, Metallica,

Kinda dude…

Why are we being forced to hate Vivaldi?

 

And I know it’s the Kafkaesque part,

I should ask about…

I phone number ‘A’, am told to phone number ‘B’

And round and round till I get told I’m spose to be

Speaking to number ‘A’

 

But, why Vivaldi?

If it was Abba,

I reckon more people would be less pissed off.

I don’t even like classical music;

Why am I spose to hate Vivaldi?

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i like Holst's 'The Planets'

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

Memories Fade

Memories Fade

                                  By jfarrell

 

(“memories fade, but the scars still linger” - tears for fears, great band)

 

I was about 5 when it happened,

44 years ago;

But everytime I do something entirely normal,

I can’t help but very graphically remember, relive,

That incident.

 

Some memories fade, just the scars linger;

Some memories have to be relived day after day.

If only we could choose which memories;

Trust me, I’d choose happy, nice memories,

Not being violently raped when I was 5. Who would?

 

Like yesterday, I remember too much of the first 10 years,

And increasingly less of the years after;

And, as for the last 10, memories fade;

I tell myself, this was yesterday, its gone;

But, each morning I relive it again.

 

So much for thinking positive :(

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

be positive, aewsome, yeah

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

Stepping Up

Stepping Up

By JFarrell

 

 

The last time I worked was 31st March 2000

This Sunday, 6th August 2017

I will be a barman at Wembley Stadium

For the start of the football season

My first day of work in a long time

 

From waste of space drunk to the FA Community Shield

In a little over three months

Can I really change? Can I make it?

Leave my alcoholism and past behind

And move into a new, brighter future?

 

The stadium seats ninety thousand people

I get anxious being around just one person

I am absolutely ‘bricking it’

But if I can cope with this

I’ll be able to cope with anything

 

I am 49 years old

Facing fears in a major way

Forcing my life into a new direction

I am stepping up to the plate

Let’s hope I don’t suck

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

come on Arsenal

Webs

Webs

By JFarrell

 

 

“What if…?”, starts the web

One thought, one tiny feeling of doubt

Screams with such deafening force

The echoes ricochet back

Pummelling you with the shrapnel of anxiety

Suddenly, your mind is racing

From “what if…?” to “WHAT IF…?”

The thousand fears that instantly flood you

Are corrosive, adhesive, sinuous, entangling

Beguilingly wrapping themselves about you

Tighter and tighter, crushing the breath out of you

Gossamer tendrils of fear cling to all your thoughts

The more you struggle the tighter they constrict

Ensnared, rooted, trapped

Like the fly thrashing about in the web

Trying to break free

Your misery only serves to be the appetizer

For the spider approaching from your soul

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

here ends the web

Chrysalis

Chrysalis

   By JFarrell

 

A time to breathe, to rest;

To recharge my batteries;

A seven day cocoon of non-activity;

Between an end and a new beginning.

 

From waste of space drunk,

I’ve crawled, dragged myself up to walk;

Ran with a bug up my ass through college;

Now, to sprout my wings as wide as I can.

 

Tomorrow I have my first job interview;

Actual paid work, for money;

My first this century;

Look at them wings, ain’t they magnificent?

 

Watch me;

Dammit, I’m flying already;

From a drunken maggot, I grew,

Into this wondrous…..

DRAGON………….. hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

;-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i can change :) or i will die trying :-) love having no options ;-)