Mental Health

Webs

Webs

By JFarrell

 

 

“What if…?”, starts the web

One thought, one tiny feeling of doubt

Screams with such deafening force

The echoes ricochet back

Pummelling you with the shrapnel of anxiety

Suddenly, your mind is racing

From “what if…?” to “WHAT IF…?”

The thousand fears that instantly flood you

Are corrosive, adhesive, sinuous, entangling

Beguilingly wrapping themselves about you

Tighter and tighter, crushing the breath out of you

Gossamer tendrils of fear cling to all your thoughts

The more you struggle the tighter they constrict

Ensnared, rooted, trapped

Like the fly thrashing about in the web

Trying to break free

Your misery only serves to be the appetizer

For the spider approaching from your soul

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

here ends the web

Chrysalis

Chrysalis

   By JFarrell

 

A time to breathe, to rest;

To recharge my batteries;

A seven day cocoon of non-activity;

Between an end and a new beginning.

 

From waste of space drunk,

I’ve crawled, dragged myself up to walk;

Ran with a bug up my ass through college;

Now, to sprout my wings as wide as I can.

 

Tomorrow I have my first job interview;

Actual paid work, for money;

My first this century;

Look at them wings, ain’t they magnificent?

 

Watch me;

Dammit, I’m flying already;

From a drunken maggot, I grew,

Into this wondrous…..

DRAGON………….. hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

;-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i can change :) or i will die trying :-) love having no options ;-)

Heroes

Heroes

                          By JFarrell

 

I wanna be a hero; don’t we all?

 

Whether super smooth Humphrey Bogart

Or action-packed Bruce Willis;

Super fit tennis ace Andy Murray

Or Mr Sexy-Voice himself, Barry White;

Courage, success, talent, charisma… and the ladies.

 

Heroes are important;

They are something to look up to,

To gain inspiration from;

And not just the superficial stuff;

Important stuff too.

 

“I will work until my illness stops me working,”

I still know little about Steve Jobs,

But.. there is something… different.. something inspirational..

And some people, like Einstein, Martin Luther King

Change the whole world, and everyone in it.

 

I wanna be a hero;

Most of all, to me;

Just to be someone I can accept, love and be proud of

To be someone I am happy with;

That would make me a hero.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

looking for a hero

Desperately seeking for …

Desperately seeking for …

By JFarrell

 

 

 

 

I’ve looked behind the curtain and under the bed;

My rucksack and fridge are bereft of any presence;

Nowhere to be seen at the local shopping mall;

And the library was a really good guess, but no, not there

(Of all places, should have been the library).

 

I retrace my steps; I gotta find…

Outside my front door, down the stairs, to my newsagents;

No…. no, and…… no

Where the bloody hell….

I KNOW, around here, somewhere…

 

 

Ok, another idea - visualise it, that’ll help you find it;

Great idea… just one problem…

What the hell does inspiration look like?

The reason, the need, the cause, the belief

To become that better person that my flaws deny.

 

Change is such a small word, sounds so simple,

Click your fingers and “POW”, I’m superman, Einstein, whoever

Who I am, what I am, isn’t good enough

So change I must

And if you could point me in the direction of inspiration

 

I’d be very grateful    :-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the magic pill is around here somewhere :-)

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Zeroes and Ones

Zeroes and Ones

                           By Jfarrell

 

   (“shame on us, doomed from the start,

     May god have mercy on our dirty little hearts”

                          From Nine Inch Nails )

 

The pain makes me scream, mouth wide open: zero

The music makes me nod up and down in rhythm: one

Exhaled; empty husk; drained: zero

Inhale deep; refresh; life anew: one

 

Dying from the very start;

From my very first breath until my very last

I was born to die;

Shame on me for never realizing - here and now is all I got.

 

My very first breath, I screamed mouth wide open: one

My stress makes me jump up and down everywhere: zero

This breath, here and now: one

The pain I use it to bury: zero

 

All my hopes, dreams, envy, despair…

Shame on me, for the energy I’ve wasted on those

This binary life has more ones than zeroes

I just gotta switch on - not off

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"the digital won't let me go" :-) - gorillaz

Paradigm Shift

Paradigm Shift

By JFarrell

 

From ‘Superdrunk’ to ‘Superman’ in under a decade

Still going ok after two months;

Still sober, though I sorely wish I wasn’t in this heat.

Still only learnt my one sentence of Arabic

Because my time management, planning and focus

Still need work.

Learnt  lots of Modern History and new IT skills (like keyboard shortcuts)

Lost two stone in weight and have had an exercise routine

Established for two weeks, longest ever;

Even trying to get into meditation,

We’ll see if it helps.

 

Stage 2 starts tomorrow

Finding a job; hopefully that’ll go as smooth as staying sober

Though I’m probably kidding myself if I expect it to.

 

Trying to change from 20 year drunk into Steve Jobs is hard work

And though I am very frightened –

Everything is ‘if’ right now, with fingers crossed –

If this drunk can hold down a job and not get fired

If I can keep going

If I have the strength, the heart

If…. If…. If… -

It is up to me

The power is in my hands

Now

Author's Notes/Comments: 

will to change

Nomad

Nomad

By jfarrell

 

All my life wandering, travelling

From family home into children’s home

From one to another

Then to my own flat

 

Which I lost

Homeless

Doorway to subway

Into a hostel

 

Then another hostel

Followed by 20 years

Of cheap bed-sits

With yellowing, mouldy walls

 

Breakdown, suicide attempt

Into hospital

For longer than any bedsit

Into a hostel

 

And still the wandering goes on

Like a nomad

I move from place to place

Searching for the place to stop and stay.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i suppose we are all nomads, in way or another

Arrangement in any minor key

Arrangement in any minor key

By JFarrell

 

The music is me

Discordant, harsh, out of tune

A roaring cacophony

Ill composed from its beginning

 

Composed by a loveless mother

Transcribed by a violent father

A minor key

For sadness and pain

 

Along the way

It’s been added to, altered

Key changes everywhere

By those who consider themselves conductors

 

But, now

A new instrument has found its voice

From the depths of my soul

Haunting pizzicato strings stir and swell

 

An orchestra of strings hails the now

And is answered by woodwind breaths

The angelic harmony of harp song

Envelopes all

 

With a life of its own

The music of my soul rewrites me

Rewrites all that I was and have become

I am now a movement in the key of E

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

music heals

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Fragments

Fragments

By JFarrell

 

I am a whole

Made up of the fragments

That comprise my life

Comprise my experience

 

All the little broken pieces

Broken by life

Broken by pain

Broken by people

 

One whole, broken into a thousand pieces

Each piece, each fragment

Similarly broken into a thousand shards

All little stabs of pain

 

Like a jigsaw puzzle

I have spent my life

Reassembling the pieces

Fitting all the components together

 

Thousands of fragments

Painstakingly rearranged

Unerringly placed

To, once again, make me whole.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

5 weeks sober now

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