Mental Health

Zeroes and Ones

Zeroes and Ones

                           By Jfarrell

 

   (“shame on us, doomed from the start,

     May god have mercy on our dirty little hearts”

                          From Nine Inch Nails )

 

The pain makes me scream, mouth wide open: zero

The music makes me nod up and down in rhythm: one

Exhaled; empty husk; drained: zero

Inhale deep; refresh; life anew: one

 

Dying from the very start;

From my very first breath until my very last

I was born to die;

Shame on me for never realizing - here and now is all I got.

 

My very first breath, I screamed mouth wide open: one

My stress makes me jump up and down everywhere: zero

This breath, here and now: one

The pain I use it to bury: zero

 

All my hopes, dreams, envy, despair…

Shame on me, for the energy I’ve wasted on those

This binary life has more ones than zeroes

I just gotta switch on - not off

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"the digital won't let me go" :-) - gorillaz

Paradigm Shift

Paradigm Shift

By JFarrell

 

From ‘Superdrunk’ to ‘Superman’ in under a decade

Still going ok after two months;

Still sober, though I sorely wish I wasn’t in this heat.

Still only learnt my one sentence of Arabic

Because my time management, planning and focus

Still need work.

Learnt  lots of Modern History and new IT skills (like keyboard shortcuts)

Lost two stone in weight and have had an exercise routine

Established for two weeks, longest ever;

Even trying to get into meditation,

We’ll see if it helps.

 

Stage 2 starts tomorrow

Finding a job; hopefully that’ll go as smooth as staying sober

Though I’m probably kidding myself if I expect it to.

 

Trying to change from 20 year drunk into Steve Jobs is hard work

And though I am very frightened –

Everything is ‘if’ right now, with fingers crossed –

If this drunk can hold down a job and not get fired

If I can keep going

If I have the strength, the heart

If…. If…. If… -

It is up to me

The power is in my hands

Now

Author's Notes/Comments: 

will to change

Nomad

Nomad

By jfarrell

 

All my life wandering, travelling

From family home into children’s home

From one to another

Then to my own flat

 

Which I lost

Homeless

Doorway to subway

Into a hostel

 

Then another hostel

Followed by 20 years

Of cheap bed-sits

With yellowing, mouldy walls

 

Breakdown, suicide attempt

Into hospital

For longer than any bedsit

Into a hostel

 

And still the wandering goes on

Like a nomad

I move from place to place

Searching for the place to stop and stay.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i suppose we are all nomads, in way or another

Arrangement in any minor key

Arrangement in any minor key

By JFarrell

 

The music is me

Discordant, harsh, out of tune

A roaring cacophony

Ill composed from its beginning

 

Composed by a loveless mother

Transcribed by a violent father

A minor key

For sadness and pain

 

Along the way

It’s been added to, altered

Key changes everywhere

By those who consider themselves conductors

 

But, now

A new instrument has found its voice

From the depths of my soul

Haunting pizzicato strings stir and swell

 

An orchestra of strings hails the now

And is answered by woodwind breaths

The angelic harmony of harp song

Envelopes all

 

With a life of its own

The music of my soul rewrites me

Rewrites all that I was and have become

I am now a movement in the key of E

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

music heals

Fragments

Fragments

By JFarrell

 

I am a whole

Made up of the fragments

That comprise my life

Comprise my experience

 

All the little broken pieces

Broken by life

Broken by pain

Broken by people

 

One whole, broken into a thousand pieces

Each piece, each fragment

Similarly broken into a thousand shards

All little stabs of pain

 

Like a jigsaw puzzle

I have spent my life

Reassembling the pieces

Fitting all the components together

 

Thousands of fragments

Painstakingly rearranged

Unerringly placed

To, once again, make me whole.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

5 weeks sober now

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The 21st Day - Sober

The 21st Day - Sober

By jfarrell

 

Day 21 been very ok,

Other than the ‘I am God, nothing can touch me’ bit

Which I just stare stupified at;

I don’t even believe in god

How can I be god?

Ah, forget it

I suppose we all go through that bit getting sober.

 

Day 16 was nuclear bomb wanting to go off

The terrorist attack on a kids concert

For multiple reasons

A fuse was lit and spent all next day burning

Until boom!

You wouldn’t believe how destructive

An explosion of poetry can be

 

After that I went to bed knowing I had changed the world

Fell asleep thinking “is this how it feels to be god?, disappointing,

I thought there’d be more rainbows.”

And woke up to an email saying “congratulations on your new job;

You are god.”

 

I am still sober, day 21 now

Last few days been easy

In a way I can’t explain,

And don’t trust;

If it weren’t for the god complex bit,

I’d be feeling very happy now;

Instead, cant help but feel a little….. concerned?…… worried?…

It doesn’t matter

I’m sober and I’m still standing :)

 

Thanks for your support everyone :)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

still sober

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Shame

Shame

By JFarrell

 

My shame stops.

Now!

 

Yes, I took the sweets

I was six years old

And I didn’t know what he wanted.

The scumbag raped me

But I am finished being ashamed for that.

 

I did not ruin my uncle’s wedding

Destroy his marriage

His scumbag friend

Was the rapist

 

I did not live up to my father’s expectations;

A cowardly drunk

Who beat his wife and kids

To feel like a man.

 

I took a lot of blame for my family

Sorry

No more

Find a new scapegoat.

 

The only thing I have to be ashamed of

Is that I let you hand me the blame;

And I am so through with that.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

no more anyones scapegoat

Becoming

Becoming

By Jfarrell

 

What the hell am I becoming?

And will I be good or bad?

Full of love or full of hate?

Will I make things better or burn it all down?

I guess

We’ll have to wait and see.

 

I was a lot of things;

A drunk,

A chronic depressive,

A coward

An insignificant failure.

 

But,

I am changing

Becoming

Something

Else

Something

Different.

 

Let’s hope it’s something good

Healing the world

Giving love and hope in abundance.

I hope

I am becoming WORTHY;

Worthy of the love of my heart’s desire,

Worthy to take my place amongst my fellow humans

Worthy of my love

Yes,

I hope I am

Becoming WORTHY.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope

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The Edge

The Edge

By JFarrell

 

We stand here, on the edge,

What do you want to do?

 

Turn back and run away?

Take my hand and jump?

I leave the decision to you,

And I will be by your side.

 

But,

Take a moment….

Close your eyes….

Take a deep breath…

 

Can you hear it?

The blood rushing through your head?

That is the sound of everything.

Listen to it,

Feel it.

Badoom- whoosh, badoom-whoosh.

It pulses with your heartbeat.

That is the sound of the beginning

And the end

All of eternity

Rushing through your ears.

All that was, is

And is to come

Is in that sound.

 

Here,

At the edge

What do you want to do?

Take my hand

And choose.

I will never let you go.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

choose hope