Mental Health

Sustainable steps

Sustainable steps

  By jfarrell

 

Agency work is fun

And I am loving how synchronicitous it has been for me;

Having not worked for 17 years,

It’s let me get back into work, a bit at a time;

Sustainable steps.

 

Two shifts this week, three the next;

Two double shifts and a couple singles;

And a fun one tonight,

That’s left me too scared to sleep.

 

Got home from football job very late,

And gotta be at cricket job very early;

I don’t think I will wake up in four hours for work, too knackered;

But, I dare not be late.

 

Really hoping lotsa coffee, bunch of caffeine pills

And caffeine energy drink will “give me wings”

And fly through tomorrow’s 8am til 11pm shift;

“make or break” comes to mind.

 

I’m a 49 year old man who hasn’t worked in 17 years;

Who desperately needs to return to full-time work; with overtime;

ASAP!

I am really hoping this is a sustainable step :)

 

(been with agency 2 months now - love it)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

cricket - is that the one with a big bat? all sports loook the same to me :)

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What are scars?

What are scars?

By jfarrell

 

Physically,

They the damage your body couldn’t repair;

The ever-regenerating, ever-replicating cell factory;

Nope, that’s too much to repair, perfectly;

So, we’ll stick on a patch.

 

Scars from yesterday, a year ago;

A lifetime ago;

But, some are so damaged, ruined;

They cannot be repaired; fixed;

Put right.

 

A too severe beating, for… being at school?

A cruel comment, because I smiled;

And you couldn’t bear it;

A word, a sword,

Because I tried so hard to please you.

 

A lifetime later, so many scars are still raw;

I don’t rub salt in, but it gets in anyway;

I try not to think about them;

But they play before my eyes,

Over everything I see.

 

With a building,

If it’s damaged too much,

Knock it down and rebuild;

I don’t know if I can be rebuilt;

I don’t know how to knock me down.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i get knocked down, but i get up again, you're never gonna keep me down - tubthumping

But, I am, so it comes out that way

But, I am, so it comes out that way

By jfarrell

 

(Bill Hicks was a legend, sorely missed)

 

I don’t mean to be full of hate and bitterness,

Spiteful, wanting to hurt back,

But, I am, so it comes out that way.

 

I don’t mean to treat you with disrespect,

And nonchalantly dismiss your views;

But, that’s the way it comes out.

 

I used to work with nursery children,

I was full of care, understanding and empathy;

And it came out that way.

 

I wanted to be loved;

Desperately;

And I couldn’t let that show at all.

 

After all these years….

 

I don’t mean to want everyone who ever hurt me to hurt, horribly;

To die slowly, and in as much agony, as my imagination can conjure;

But, I do, so it comes out that way.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"I don't mean to sound cold and heartless, but I am, so it comes out that way" or something like that. Bill Hicks was a genius

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Silence, like a cancer grows

Silence, like a cancer grows

By jfarrell

 

(“sounds of silence” by simon and garfunkel, one of the best songs ever written)

 

You have one of them friends, don’t you?

No particular reason,

But you haven’t spoken to them in ages;

And you don’t have time now.

 

It could even be a family member;

But, you don’t have time now.

So, more time passes

And you still don’t speak, can’t find the time.

 

And now, so much time has passed

It feels an insult to speak to them;

It’s been weeks, months….. oh, wow, years;

Getting in touch now, would be a shock.

 

After all this time, though once so close,

You are now strangers;

Keep talking - now, today.

Don’t let cancerous silence keep you apart.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

hello darkness, my old friend, i've come to talk to you again

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Shout

Shout

By jfarrell

 

I shout a lot;

At the radio, at my cats

At myself.

 

There hasn’t been anyone to talk to

For a very long time,

So, I shout at my radio.

 

In my isolation

I shout, just so I can hear me

Because the silence is deafening.

 

Unspoken conversations run through my head

With real people;

Real people ignorant of my existence.

 

I watch people

Yap, yap, yap,

All day long.

 

I may not talk to people;

But, what I see,

Other people don’t talk to each other either;

 

They just yap, yap, yap;

Shouting at my radio

Probably makes for a better conversation.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

is talking to other people nice, or is it just yap, yap, yap?

Waves of darkness

Waves of darkness

                           By jfarrell

 

Here in my tower I watch the coming storm;

The raven coloured clouds of regret;

The silvery-edged waves of woe, drenching my soul;

The lightening sheds a spotlight on my aloness.

 

Pain-wrapped feelings of guilt;

Pain wrapped feelings of need;

Drink the beer, drown it;

Smoke the weed, numb it.

 

And “why me, again?”

Leads to “I’ve had enough! No more! My turn!”

My fantasies are so blood-soaked….

My dreams, asleep and waking, so violent; vile.

 

Everything I think, see, feel, is so violent;

And, my anger, my hate, is awakened;

“BURN IT ALL DOWN! NOW!”

“AND BURN ALL OF ‘EM!”

 

I smile, shake your hand, but that voice, that command,

Means you too;

I may drown in my miasma of despair;

Please take this life-jacket; don’t drown with me.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

it's a nice life-jacket

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ostracised

 

Ostracised

By jfarrell

 

It starts early, that’s all I really understand,

Before I started school I was ‘outside’;

Left to feel ‘not a part’;

Left to feel unwanted.

 

When I started school, I was already the perfect victim;

‘No-one cares, no-one’s gonna stop us’;

Everyone knew it,

And so, they didn’t stop.

 

Bullied from the day I started school

Until the day I left;

I hoped it would stop there;

We’re all adults, now, right?

 

What a fool I was back then.

Maybe.

I hurt, but wasn’t going to school and stabbing someone

Because of it.

 

But, three months short of my 50th birthday, maybe…

I’ve never trusted anyone enough to have friends;

I don’t know how to feel comfortable around people

And I probably never will

 

I don’t know how many billions people on this planet, it doesn’t matter;

I see and hear you, but you are as out of reach

As the people I see on TV screens

And… if I did reach out… and touch one of you… you’d scream

 

Here, outside of everyone, looking in;

I don’t feel lonely; I don’t feel rejected;

I feel hated.

My parents ostracised me back then and this where I sit today.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

there must be a way back in, right?

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Crossroad

Crossroad

By jfarrell

 

Behind me lies the road I have travelled;

As I arrive at this crossroad,

I will sit, rest,

Consider my options

 

Nearly 20 years in childcare,

But I am not that person anymore;

Suicide and looking after kids

Do not mix well

 

So, here I am

At the crossroad;

To my left lies bar work

I can help folk find oblivion

 

To my right lies kitchen work;

Although recent experience suggests

I am a case of mass food poisoning

Waiting to happen

 

The road ahead is paved with words;

Short words, long words

And the signpost reads “Your future is this way”

This is my crossroad and the road ahead looks beautiful

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

robert johnson met the devil at a crossroads "teach me to play the blues" he asked, i'd love to be able to play the blues, but i a crap guitar player, so i'll settle for burning everything :)

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Behind the mask

Behind the mask

By jfarrell

 

In this heat….

I just can’t stop it;

The stupid fixed smile, the deadpan eyes

The mask melts

Like waxworks in a furnace

My clearly defined face - eyes, nose, mouth -

All melt, dissolve

Into a nothingness, a blankness;

No eyes, no smile;

A mask with no face

 

I wipe myself with a towel;

My eyes are so alive, so hungry

So predatory

I hardly recognise them as mine

Stupid fixed smile?

A shark grins back excitedly

Having just seen lunch

But, in this heat….

It just melts

 

Another mask destroyed:

My eyes?

Black holes of despair that consume everything;

My smile?

Blackened, chipped and broken ugly teeth

A smile, terrifying in it’s grossness

 

If I could

I’d choose the Brad Pitt or George Clooney masks

Instead of the monsters inside of me

Always wearing their masks

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

always loved the wrap around the neck bolts - frankenstein

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