heartbreak

X's and O's

When you were here, I felt distant 

And now that you're far away, I feel closer, it's different 

Many opportunities wasted by my past

I shot you down every time, for sex, you asked

 

I wanted to come over, be there all damn night 

But I couldn't give you my heart, my ex consumed my time

But now that I've burned away everything that belonged to her

I am feeling free, ready, willing, and my past is just a blur

 

I still can't say whether we would've worked out 

But I can say I would've tried my best, no doubt!

I would've spend these dark ages building, making you a fire

And if I couldn't make flames, I would use my body to keep you warm, fulfilling your every desire 

 

Maybe every word I'm saying now is hurting you 

Maybe every thing I'm saying is destroying you

But I can't help it, my pen keeps writing on these pages

And my heart keeps wanting to know about you, keep me updated 

 

I'm sorry I couldn't love you when you were here

But it wasn't entirely my fault, my mind was filled with fear

I had just been broken by a girl who said "all the right words"

And me, a gullible fuck, believed every syllable and was left hurt 

 

So understand me when I say that you are not to blame

People fear, laugh, cry but only a few change

And that's me, This is a new beginning 

I wish you all the best and I hope you start off better than it ended with me 

 

:)

 

 

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Who Am I?

I am a shadow, long gone
I am forgotten, disappointments spawn
I am the weeping, in nights silent hour
From society, who savors the sour
I am the dark, stuck within my fears
I am denied, to them and all who hears
I was a dreamer, now hiding within my sleep
From the all of the promises that I can not keep
I am a shadow, long gone

I loved, and I loved you well.
Even after you challenge me hell
I remember, she parted us, you and I
She kissed your cracks, promising you lies
She left you broken, by the dead
But me, I wanted you by my side, to cherish instead




Author's Notes/Comments: 

An old class assignment I digged up.

It was supposed to be more simple and straightforward.

But I remember, I couldn't help myself from twisting it up

 

Which results with this

 

My Sweet Imagination

Outside of your apartment window

the leaves have fallen and it grows colder

still and I can't feel my fingers.

Inside you look so warm. A good candle is burning

steady and I imagine that cookies are in the oven.

I'd beg you once again to let me in, but I know

you've turned me away enough times

that I can be sure your heart doesn't secretly want

mine.

As the numbness creeps up my arms

and into the corners of my vision,

as my pulse slows and your face

glows in the light of your phone

in a delightful conversation you must be having,

I lift myself from my knees

and in the indentations left on the ground,

I leave behind the part of me

that wanted you

more than I wanted

 to live.  

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New

A new love, a new start

A new dream, with new hearts.

New words, new emotions

New fears, ever growing.

A new life, with new obsessions

New rules, and new catches. 

New loss, new devotion

With no pretenses, no commotion.

A new calm, before the storming

He is the llight, before the mourning. 

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Tailoring Separation

Folder: 
English poems

 

Voice meshed by doubt.

Tongue hemmed by lies.

Lips sewed by pride.

 

Ghostly words

embroidered by suspicion.

 

Seclusion is fashioned.

 

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there was a girl

there was a girl

older than me
but young in life
 
there was a girl
with clear skin
and a beautiful scattering 
of freckles, 
like a picturesque scattering
of seeds 
waiting to bloom 
into flowers
 
there was a girl
who loved music 
especially old folk tunes 
that remind her of her childhood
and riding her motorbike
recklessly on her own
 
there was a girl
who had suffered 
too much for her age
and yet she only trusted
a few
with the dark secrets 
beneath her smile
 
there was a girl 
different to the rest
not only in who she was
but also
the way 
she made me feel
 
there was a girl
who changed 
everything I thought I knew
about life 
and who I was
 
there was a girl
who blessed me 
with kisses and love
and company 
in my single bed
 
there was a girl
who would hold me
comfort me
care for me 
love me
 
there was a girl
I hurt 
I abandoned
for shallow acceptance
from my peers
 
there was a girl
who was in pain 
needed a friend
needed help
 
there was a girl 
who found 
her savior
in a bottle 
of pills
 
and then suddenly
there wasn't 
a girl
anymore. 
 
F.R
 

Imagination.

 

 

I could have never imagined a love like ours

I could have never imagined the feel

Of losing myself so completely in the passengers seat

Letting you take the steering wheel

 

I could have never imagined the heartbreak

I could have never imagined the pain

Of losing my breath when I thought of you

Couldn’t bear even saying your name

 

I could have never imagined talking to you again

I was determined to be self-fulfilled

I settled for half of a sunshine

Half of a heart was all I could yield

 

But perhaps that’s because we grow up

And our imaginations go dim

We sink to the demise of reality

Instead of ripping it apart at the hem

 

My imagination brought me solely here

To a world full of all my dreams

Bright with color, majestic sounds

Where dancing abounds,

And the most gorgeous flowers bloom year round

 

My soul has ceased to frown

When your powerful wave washes over me

I could have never imagined that I’d

Swim, not drown

 

For now I carry you in my heart

It’s a hell of an imagination, I agree

But you fit there perfectly

In my (imagination’s chosen) untainted memories

 

This life I love and the peace in my soul

May not always win the war

Reality is a fierce competitor, yet to it I shut the door

I shut my eyes and my own world begins to rise

With it, the brightest sun

My world is what I make it

And my imagination has won.

I cannot make you love me as you love her

Folder: 
2013

I see you with her. Smiling and giving kisses on the nose.

I knew it could never be. But life is blind hope.

After all these years I've realized my heart is futile and my woes, plentiful.

And all I've ever known were inadequate adventures.

But after all these years, I still can't accept that I cannot make you love me as you love her.

Debase Myself For A Lover

Folder: 
2011

Is that of all the things too much to ask; too much to plead with my final dying breath for?

To love and be loved in return; to be a martyr for my own salvation and sanity.

To be driven to debase myself for the sanctity of a lover; a sacred lover defiled by my own desolate heart.

Being loved is martyrdom, but loving in return a sacrifice.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just found this as well as a few others from when i was 13. Back in the summer of 2011.

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