Fear

Fear

Folder: 
Haqueian Verse

Fear,


Leads to grief,


And depression,


Fear brings forth,

 

Tear!

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To my darkest fear

In days of dark I dream of loneliness
In the light, I see her face.
Time moves slowly then,
But is limited, yet.

The thought is etched into me
Like a witch's curse
Her voice, though it calls,
When will it dim?

I awake to tired pictures,
To videos and notes that bleed.
I recall the times we had
And I see the light, once again.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Hello anyone listening, i'd like to tell a short story followed by a short poem. As much as it pains me to seem like your average young poet writer, I am an 18 year old man, and have suffered with many issues since I was a child. I have isolated myself from others, I wish to always be alone. I work a dead end job to make ends meet, I do not talk to employees, and they seem to enjoy it that way. I recently talked to a girl, she was nice, but it was clear she was different than the other faces I come across everyday, meaningless and odd as they seem. She seemed unhappy, though it was clear she wanted to seem otherwise. We talked, and though we have never said a word about it, we both have a similar outlook on life, we both disregard other people and similarly, don't seem able to understand ourselves despite it. But we understand each other. We both make sense to the alternate. I know I sound painfully like a child in love, trying to make sense of nonsense, but this feeling is meaningful to me. I don't mean to share my life story or anything, but lately, I wonder what is to become of us, and it has worried me. My dreams are unconventional, I see her beauty masked by the grip of death and darkness veiling her body, and i've turned to art to help me explain the reality of this to myself. Poetry has made me see the light in death, and unravel its' mysteries and monstrosities, so I wanted to write something, to give back to an art form which has graced my life, and to share it with the few that shall take the time to read and understand what I am trying to say. I don't do this for attention or fame, even the fun of it is in question of absolute, but it calms me, and I love to hear the stories of people with similar experience.

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Twilight

Twilight town
A black gown
Gray eyes with a blue sky but a slight frown
Brown hair. Greasy as if colored by a crayon

The crown fell down. It can’t be found.
A loss of hope
A tree with a rope
But you can’t cope with the hate.

Feelings have been raped. You’re without a mate
In your own zone like a closed gate.
This is fate.
April 17th. That’s the date

Woke up to a new reality.
Embracing my own mortality
Entirely broken. A fatality
Feeling like a monstrosity

Two halves. A duality
Walking away so elegantly
Hurt critically spiritually
An anal personality

Asshole.
Teaching myself individuality
Originality without formality.
Totally alone. Abnormality


Theoretically evil cause I don’t show hospitality
I treat everyone compassionately
But I despise them. Want to beat them constantly
Brutality. Fuck it.. I can’t stop my profanity

I don’t have a functional family.
I have a screwed up mentality
Skinny. Get thrown down by authority
Barbarity. Act like I’m a misanthropist.

I hardly get any rest. Too skinny that I can’t use my fist.
Instead I sit in my nest. But I need to fly to beat the rest.
Hit or miss. I never had a first kiss. Instead I was hit and dissed.
Cause I’m pissed. My life is shrouded by a thick mist.

I don’t know what lies in front of me
But as far as I can see. I control my own destiny
Nothing ever seemed to work out for me
I have so much insecurity.

But I’m going to be what I set out to be
I’m going to be the best I can be

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Lurking

I liked us,

We always had each others back,

I can remember looking at your smile

Thinking I could see it carrying on for miles into some world of bliss,

Your little brother would look at you,

As if having more knowledge of that rich, expansive kindess,

Of what I assumed was at your core,

 

Now I know,

There is a demon who dwells inside of you,

I hear its stomps and roars,

Its shackles whipping and bending at its will,

Putting cracks in what I once thought,

Was a friendship sturdy as marble,

I feel the screams of your wrath,

I'm shocked how low they moaned,

When you created so many elegant distractions,

But now I see what lives in you,

And I fear it waits for me,

To throw my bones with all the rest,

Of the sorry fools that ever bought your act.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I know I haven't posted in a while but a certain person has managed to make me so incredibly irritated that I am back to writing. Hope to have a few more posted by the end of the week. Enjoy!

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A Better Place, A Better Time

I glanced to see your empty seat not far

away from mine. I did not know you well

before your name marked every mind. I got

the news my freshmen year at Aries’ end.

The open casket frightens me, a fear

to peer inside.  Depression lurks and maims

the ones we love, no way to say goodbye.

The cries I heard your mother make in words

I can’t describe. Your close best friend, a friend

Of mine, still thinks of you in times of light

and shade; He sits and waits for you to call:

the promise made, be kept today. I learned

from you don’t hesitate. To think of dreams

you’ll never have or places never seen,

I missed the chance to know your truth and who

you want to be. But now I see for me

to be the who I want to be; I must

help those like you live on, it’s not your time    

to leave.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

with inspiration drawn from beloved Javad, rest in peace. with intentions to direct those in need to the song A Better Place, A Better Time by Streetlight Manifesto

Living In My Shell

I can hear the busy city life right outside my window,

People rushing around to get where they have to be.

I remember when I was always moving and on the go,

Things are different now that the anxiety has taken over me.

 

The fear of what’s out there has consumed my brain,

Every waking moment is a struggle for me.

No one knows the depths of my pain,

I have locked it up and thrown away the key.

 

Feelings of no one understanding what I go through,

Thinking the worst will always happen, without a doubt.

Hiding in my home has become what I do,

I’m living in a shell and keeping everyone out.

 

How do I get away from this, I just want to be free,

It’s got a hold on me and I’m trying to let go.

I want my life back; I want to be happy.

This fear I feel just continues to grow.

 

Maybe one day I will get the happiness that I crave,

Until then I will continue to fear all.

Staying in my shell and trying to be brave,

 Continuously living behind my built up wall.

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Never Tell

The cold wind whistling at the window,

You can feel in the air there will be snow.

Another night of waiting for the first flake to fall,

Waiting for the panic attack to hit me like a wall.

 

Just the thought of driving through this weather,

Thinking anything else would be better.

Afraid of slipping and sliding so much,

I stay in my own world, out of touch.

 

Always thinking something bad will happen,

I want out of this world I seem to be trapped in.

This is just one of the many things I fear,

I wish I could explain it and make it clear.

 

Fear of anything and everything is no way to be,

But this is my life and no one knows but me.

So I’ll keep to myself, and stay in my shell,

And continue to fear, and never tell.

Fearful Indulgence

Is it better on fearful feet

To run from my ghastly ghouls

Who maliciously haunt my innocuous mind?

Or to turn and try a fight

In which I will most certainly succumb

To my ever living enemies?

 

Enemies of the mind,

Their variety endless,

Just as their abilities

To shatter and destroy,

Fragile and unlike alike,

To fragments of former reality.

 

Is it so noble

To fight demons undefeatable

Rather than choose a simple flight

Away from tormentous anxieties?

A decision quickly made by a courageous and fearful few,

And pondered upon for lifetimes by others,

Will haunt me alike to the fears

Who proposed the question initially.

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Fear

Sitting with my thoughts all alone,

Doing bad things when I am home.

I did try to do more than just hurt myself yesterday,

I'm at the moment not really doing okay.

Knowing I'll feel like a burden if I ask for a helping hand,

Also knowing if I do I'll perhaps have a better option as to where to land.

Mind spinning in racing circles like a tornado,

I do still have some hope that someday I will get better though.

I have been trying real hard,

But my racing thoughts keep running around in my mind, in the yard.

At home I try to act alright,

When I am isolating in my room it's a fight.

Will I ever win this battle I'm in?

Will I ever think I'm no longer a victim?

What a complete mess I've been.

At this moment I feel I'll never get better,

At least I have started writing others a goodbye letter.

The emotions I am feeling,

They are keeping me from healing.

I am full of fears,

Will those fears continue for the rest of my days and maybe years?