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i am

waiting waiting waiting

for you to love me

your memories of you

are a fraction of

my memories of you

and i still don’t have enough

to fill up all my empty spaces

i grab the letters

all my

silly little words

and wonder what makes this worth it

hey i

wrote you letters

hey i

wrote you suicide notes

hey i

wrote you the world

hey i

wrote you into my words

do you ever

maybe

think of me

i am tearing through all the papers

i will never send

because half of me is here

and half of me is in your memory

i am

waiting waiting waiting

for you to love me

the wind claws my skin i

don’t consider moving i

stay outside i did this to myself

why the fuck am i here

if i am still waiting for you to show up

knock on the door and

fix everything

you can’t fix everything you can’t

fix me

this is new.

this is

there used to be a light

and someone has turned it off

in front of my face

but for years I thought I could still see

before I went half blind

this is

what do I want

strong soft

both

neither

scared

they tell you

lean on a shoulder

when you’re stumbling

but I started this at sundown and there are too many trails

now I am all alone and it is midnight and I can’t find the moon

I can’t find the things that have always been there and

this is my finish line to cross

this was supposed to be a simple walk

done before dark but

it has turned into fighting a clear path through a storm

I used to be able to love without second-guessing but

now you are a given,

nothing else is

how am I supposed to find solid ground when I can’t feel my own body

how am I supposed to love you like I did when I can’t spell the sentences of my own love letters

I don’t know how to reach through my own heart

and find what I needed a thousand years ago

how am I supposed to need you

when I don’t know what I need

this is

being tossed under waves I thought were freshwater

and getting a lungful of salt

this is

not fitting in the mold they have given me

or the one I gave myself

this is

forgetting everything about the words supposed to

and running on

pure

shaky

want.

We are trying to stay the same

as the ground breaks spring

and the world ends.

Feels like a metaphor.

We are on a cliff and

I am trying to keep you safe

in this fraying net.

I should say something about

beginnings and endings

and some things never changing

but that isn’t true, isn’t it?

We are changing

every second.

I want to think

we’re different in a good way.

We are trying to start again

as everything is unraveling

your fingers in mine.

Are we scared enough

brave enough

strong enough

enough to hold on?

The clock ticks across the waves of time,

I count them, watch them, wishing I could 

change the course of time,

Crest, trough. Rise, sink. Tide in. Tide out.

I fell from the cliff into the waters below,

freezing, sinking; the roots I had gone.

All things blurred; salt steeping into wounds,

I'm a relic of an era long gone. 

And I can't turn back time. 

The storm rages on and I suffocate

in the depths, dark and deep, 

dislodged out of time, 

days gone. Dimmed. 

And I can't turn back time. 

A pyre, past lit, 

A catalyst to combust or

A path, of possibilities, of 

probabilities. 

Time consumes, the tide comes.

The fire within, held close and tight,

The only thing to keep warmth, 

Stare at the fiery beacon, 

and learn to yield the inferno. 

Don't let the flame consume you, 

Lest it burn you back to the depths,

Don't the fire go out,

Lest time claims you forever. 

Mimic the light in the distance,

so far gone and stolen away,

To a place that cannot see backwards,

But still a beacon for pathfinders,

And I'll use time instead. 

Burn, contort, shape, and meld

the future to your will, and 

blazing into the future is now 

all I can do. 

Paper trails troll troubling trends into contempt of the truth.

Discount viscounts will turn a rogue rat to a mouse.

No cheese, just smoke them out.

Blow them away with a flash sale.

Beyond the veil is a marriage of malcontent and a desire to fix.

Every troll has a bridge.

Who will hang who with the rope used to support it?

Will you pay per trail that you choose to follow even if it brings sorrow?

Will you step on old branches and leaves in the forest of tomorrow?

To scuttle as a borrower or play possum?

Stiff as the floorboards that formed your house.

Are you leader or louse?

Docile or doused in gangster or grouch?

Is it a straight fight for what you have inside or what you put out?

Sometimes those with those with the most beef will claim vegan for clout?

Sometimes we claim our walls are full of beauty yet we paint them with doubt.

Then we redecorate them and redecorate them until the paint tinge is all we are

So much more

Did you think you could

swing me back

on a tidal wave

did you think I would

be so lonely

that something

was better than nothing

I just want to

turn the world

upside down

Did you think you could

pull all the strings

say all the words

to make me dissolve

I’m coated in armor now

I have a hand to hold

I just want to

make you write

I’m more than mine

Did you think you could

pull the scared

out of all the alleys,

make me into a mannequin

to post all your lonely

upside

downs

I am walking

I am searching

there’s too many things

I haven’t seen

Did you think you could

laugh till I was silent

no, where I am now

I make sound that’s

more than sound

I’m just waiting to

turn the world

upside down

My heart is weary, and my soul goes numb.

There's frost around me, in the shade of blood.

Seven bodies had hit the ground, with many tears, floating all around.

Their names are written upon their faces,

"fear", "loneliness", "lies", "bravery", clumsiness", and "grace".

The seventh body, though, is still warm,

And his name is "torn". I cried.

I thought they had all died, that I was full stolidity,

But now I know that I still feel, and I feel torn.

I screamed and thrashed while I felt him crawl up my back,

I see "fear" crawling too, closer and closer.

He climbs up my front, and I'm being dragged down into the ground.

Next was "lies", and he wouldn't stop screaming, but he was oh so wise.

"Clumsiness" followed and crawled away with my struggling "bravery" and "grace",

He torn off their faces and put on new masks. Now I have my emotions back,

And I feel human again, until loneliness rose from beneath me,

One by one, her dark shroud poured my emotions deep within me,

From the frosted blood, to herself, one by one. "fear", "lies", "clumsiness",

Even "loneliness" herself, and my two new masked emotions,

"Cowardice" and "freak". It was overwhelming, in a flash I felt again,

But now I'm alone, with these poor guys swarming their words in my lifeless head.

Tomorrow

By jfarrell

Tomorrow will not be the same as today;

It never is.

Spilt coffee, missed bus,

A million different reasons, mishaps.

Tomorrow will not be the same as today;

You can convince yourself it is….

But when you review it..

You’ll see that at least one tiny thing was different.

Tomorrow will not be the same as today;

What if…

You make a different choice….

Tea, instead of coffee…. try a pub, instead of drinking alone.

Tomorrow will not be the same as today;

It never is.

Tomorrow is not written, it hasn’t happened;

Maybe, tomorrow can be different? Better?

Nevers

By jfarrell

25^th floor of a building in central London, with big windows;

I’d never seen London at night, all lights;

Was beautiful; first time I actually appreciated what London could be;

Until last night, I’d never been that high up and seen London.

I’d never been to Wembley, never been to Lord’s Cricket Ground;

Never got a roomful of important people drunk on entry;

“Champagne, sir or madam?”

I’d never served coffee to a room of professors.

Until my present employer, Berkeley Scott (BIG thank you, amazing);

I’d never experienced a road, a street…

The walk there takes five minutes..

After work, that same walk takes an hour or more.

Before BKS (Berkeley Scott)….

I’d never walked anywhere,

As part of a sea, an arrow, a swarm of people;

40, 000 people, all headed for the same tube station.

I’m nearly 50, these last 6 months seen a lot of nevers happening;

Nearly 50; never had family or kids or meaningful relationship;

BKS helping me destroy a lot of nevers;

Maybe, even this late in the race, some nevers can still be changed.

I don’t want my future (what’s left),

Just OK, managing;

I’d like my future to be good, worth the effort;

Maybe another never can be destroyed.