i am
waiting waiting waiting
for you to love me
your memories of you
are a fraction of
my memories of you
and i still don’t have enough
to fill up all my empty spaces
i grab the letters
all my
silly little words
and wonder what makes this worth it
hey i
wrote you letters
hey i
wrote you suicide notes
hey i
wrote you the world
hey i
wrote you into my words
do you ever
maybe
think of me
i am tearing through all the papers
i will never send
because half of me is here
and half of me is in your memory
i am
waiting waiting waiting
for you to love me
the wind claws my skin i
don’t consider moving i
stay outside i did this to myself
why the fuck am i here
if i am still waiting for you to show up
knock on the door and
fix everything
you can’t fix everything you can’t
fix me
this is new.
this is
there used to be a light
and someone has turned it off
in front of my face
but for years I thought I could still see
before I went half blind
this is
what do I want
strong soft
both
neither
scared
they tell you
lean on a shoulder
when you’re stumbling
but I started this at sundown and there are too many trails
now I am all alone and it is midnight and I can’t find the moon
I can’t find the things that have always been there and
this is my finish line to cross
this was supposed to be a simple walk
done before dark but
it has turned into fighting a clear path through a storm
I used to be able to love without second-guessing but
now you are a given,
nothing else is
how am I supposed to find solid ground when I can’t feel my own body
how am I supposed to love you like I did when I can’t spell the sentences of my own love letters
I don’t know how to reach through my own heart
and find what I needed a thousand years ago
how am I supposed to need you
when I don’t know what I need
this is
being tossed under waves I thought were freshwater
and getting a lungful of salt
this is
not fitting in the mold they have given me
or the one I gave myself
this is
forgetting everything about the words supposed to
and running on
pure
shaky
want.
We are trying to stay the same
as the ground breaks spring
and the world ends.
Feels like a metaphor.
We are on a cliff and
I am trying to keep you safe
in this fraying net.
I should say something about
beginnings and endings
and some things never changing
but that isn’t true, isn’t it?
We are changing
every second.
I want to think
we’re different in a good way.
We are trying to start again
as everything is unraveling
your fingers in mine.
Are we scared enough
brave enough
strong enough
enough to hold on?
The clock ticks across the waves of time,
I count them, watch them, wishing I could
change the course of time,
Crest, trough. Rise, sink. Tide in. Tide out.
I fell from the cliff into the waters below,
freezing, sinking; the roots I had gone.
All things blurred; salt steeping into wounds,
I'm a relic of an era long gone.
And I can't turn back time.
The storm rages on and I suffocate
in the depths, dark and deep,
dislodged out of time,
days gone. Dimmed.
And I can't turn back time.
A pyre, past lit,
A catalyst to combust or
A path, of possibilities, of
probabilities.
Time consumes, the tide comes.
The fire within, held close and tight,
The only thing to keep warmth,
Stare at the fiery beacon,
and learn to yield the inferno.
Don't let the flame consume you,
Lest it burn you back to the depths,
Don't the fire go out,
Lest time claims you forever.
Mimic the light in the distance,
so far gone and stolen away,
To a place that cannot see backwards,
But still a beacon for pathfinders,
And I'll use time instead.
Burn, contort, shape, and meld
the future to your will, and
blazing into the future is now
all I can do.
Paper trails troll troubling trends into contempt of the truth.
Discount viscounts will turn a rogue rat to a mouse.
No cheese, just smoke them out.
Blow them away with a flash sale.
Beyond the veil is a marriage of malcontent and a desire to fix.
Every troll has a bridge.
Who will hang who with the rope used to support it?
Will you pay per trail that you choose to follow even if it brings sorrow?
Will you step on old branches and leaves in the forest of tomorrow?
To scuttle as a borrower or play possum?
Stiff as the floorboards that formed your house.
Are you leader or louse?
Docile or doused in gangster or grouch?
Is it a straight fight for what you have inside or what you put out?
Sometimes those with those with the most beef will claim vegan for clout?
Sometimes we claim our walls are full of beauty yet we paint them with doubt.
Then we redecorate them and redecorate them until the paint tinge is all we are
So much more
Did you think you could
swing me back
on a tidal wave
did you think I would
be so lonely
that something
was better than nothing
I just want to
turn the world
upside down
Did you think you could
pull all the strings
say all the words
to make me dissolve
I’m coated in armor now
I have a hand to hold
I just want to
make you write
I’m more than mine
Did you think you could
pull the scared
out of all the alleys,
make me into a mannequin
to post all your lonely
upside
downs
I am walking
I am searching
there’s too many things
I haven’t seen
Did you think you could
laugh till I was silent
no, where I am now
I make sound that’s
more than sound
I’m just waiting to
turn the world
upside down
My heart is weary, and my soul goes numb.
There's frost around me, in the shade of blood.
Seven bodies had hit the ground, with many tears, floating all around.
Their names are written upon their faces,
"fear", "loneliness", "lies", "bravery", clumsiness", and "grace".
The seventh body, though, is still warm,
And his name is "torn". I cried.
I thought they had all died, that I was full stolidity,
But now I know that I still feel, and I feel torn.
I screamed and thrashed while I felt him crawl up my back,
I see "fear" crawling too, closer and closer.
He climbs up my front, and I'm being dragged down into the ground.
Next was "lies", and he wouldn't stop screaming, but he was oh so wise.
"Clumsiness" followed and crawled away with my struggling "bravery" and "grace",
He torn off their faces and put on new masks. Now I have my emotions back,
And I feel human again, until loneliness rose from beneath me,
One by one, her dark shroud poured my emotions deep within me,
From the frosted blood, to herself, one by one. "fear", "lies", "clumsiness",
Even "loneliness" herself, and my two new masked emotions,
"Cowardice" and "freak". It was overwhelming, in a flash I felt again,
But now I'm alone, with these poor guys swarming their words in my lifeless head.
Tomorrow
By jfarrell
Tomorrow will not be the same as today;
It never is.
Spilt coffee, missed bus,
A million different reasons, mishaps.
Tomorrow will not be the same as today;
You can convince yourself it is….
But when you review it..
You’ll see that at least one tiny thing was different.
Tomorrow will not be the same as today;
What if…
You make a different choice….
Tea, instead of coffee…. try a pub, instead of drinking alone.
Tomorrow will not be the same as today;
It never is.
Tomorrow is not written, it hasn’t happened;
Maybe, tomorrow can be different? Better?
Nevers
By jfarrell
25th floor of a building in central London, with big windows;
I’d never seen London at night, all lights;
Was beautiful; first time I actually appreciated what London could be;
Until last night, I’d never been that high up and seen London.
I’d never been to Wembley, never been to Lord’s Cricket Ground;
Never got a roomful of important people drunk on entry;
“Champagne, sir or madam?”
I’d never served coffee to a room of professors.
Until my present employer, Berkeley Scott (BIG thank you, amazing);
I’d never experienced a road, a street…
The walk there takes five minutes..
After work, that same walk takes an hour or more.
Before BKS (Berkeley Scott)….
I’d never walked anywhere,
As part of a sea, an arrow, a swarm of people;
40, 000 people, all headed for the same tube station.
I’m nearly 50, these last 6 months seen a lot of nevers happening;
Nearly 50; never had family or kids or meaningful relationship;
BKS helping me destroy a lot of nevers;
Maybe, even this late in the race, some nevers can still be changed.
I don’t want my future (what’s left),
Just OK, managing;
I’d like my future to be good, worth the effort;
Maybe another never can be destroyed.