An Armchair Theologian

I believe! I Believe! Lord, help my unbelief

I believe, I believe, my constant motif

I believe but don't grow

And my faith doesn't show

Because I can't be bothered to “do”


I know faith is given, not earned

Yet here I sit unconcerned 

I'm given to resting 

When I should be testing

To see that my faith is real


“You shall know them by their fruits”

But seeds planted on stones don't have roots

My apathy grows

So nobody knows

That I don't follow what I believe


The path down below is a slope

So gradual and smooth that you hope

It stays just the same

Like a current so tame

But leads to a waterfall


I'm not living, or learning

I'm sitting and burning

Lord I want to live

But not if I give

My time or my life

My comfort for strife

Is there an easier way?


You said believe and I shall be clean

Believe, and come home again

But how can I start

If only my heart

Wasn't an armchair theologian



In My Breath  

By Pushkva 1-2-2018                                                                              



So many sufferings endured

Incessantly from the soul blood flows

Tears rain upon the altar laid

Stream of sadness and desperation

Stumbling upon rocks

Blocking path to the light between stones

Strength and courage sought in prayer


Weakness and failure overcomes

Wounded child falls

Thoughts, words, and lies from the enemy haunts

Reaching, grasping almost touching the evading truth

Lances implanted sharp pains delivers

Nothingness realized,

Surrender of self down upon knees brings

Words elusive, spirit of soul wails

Embracing holiness, releasing sighs

Peace and healing downward reach

Softly, gently, a balm soothing soul

Words like warm milk

On a snowy day received   



May upon you be my peace.

In my light...live,

In my breath...live,

In my suffering...love,


In the garden all is well

With its borders

         Pressing in on all sides.



Breathe His breath my soul.

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I need to believe

I need to believe

By jfarrell


In anything…

Some mystical power called god; mohammed; jaweh; the one;

The newest trendiest diet “cures all ills”;

Luck; synchronicity; love; faith; “trust in the Force, Luke Skywalker”;



Green Day sang “in the land of make believe, I don’t believe in me”

But, it’s such a truth;

I don’t believe in me

And, I am the only one here.


And being the only one here…

I’m the only one to blame;

But I don’t believe in me.. this is why I am such a nothing

My thinking concludes that I don’t exist, and I can’t argue.


Though I try, I need to…

But I don’t believe in anything.


Something tells me right from wrong


I can be very arrogant and conceited…

Something beyond that tells me, compels me, right from wrong;

When hurt, I can wish the cruellest, most painful revenge;

But something beyond that keeps it all a fantasy


And, yes, the voices from the bottom of my beer glass are very tempting;

But I know they are only sirens - I to die in the beauty of their songs.

With nothing…

Life is a raging river, I give up and let it take me where it will



Author's Notes/Comments: 

river river, carry me home, to the place that i came from - peter gabriel

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All White


Emptiness, a clean start.

Space in your head,

If you let life go on

Then there's place for magic.

Then the world will open itself,

And everything is possible.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Some thoughts.

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take my hand

Take my Hand

By JFarrell


Take my hand,

And I’ll help you as far as I can;

I can’t carry you,

But, maybe,

If you walk in my footprints,

It will ease your journey.



It does look like a long journey,

But you are not alone;


Take my arm,

Take the support you need.


I know,

You look around

And see no-one.

I know,

You feel so alone.

But I am here

Here to help you.


Take my hand,

I will catch you if you fall;

I will right you if you stumble;

I will be beside you, always;


Take my hand.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

alone is a lonely place



do you trust the world not to fall on you?
i’m standing on the world, i have to trust
myself not to drop. i’m an implosion of doom
enjoying expressions like good grief, my structure
is closer to collapsing because the bolts unloosen,
thinking my thoughts are unique, sounding

like a dead man, the one who invented
the atomic bomb to protect the world from Nazis
and orange mist, didn’t work of course
nobody laughs at my jokes, wife thinks
my penis is small and wants a threesome
with the neighbor who steals my newspaper,

the sun is dying, learned about it in fifth grade
along with putting a condom on and long division,
a little too late if you ask me, and everybody
dislikes the idea i might want to pray or learn
Korean, my life is a parachute that won’t open

i’m going down and not on my wife
people call me crude, saying my behavior
is for shock value, i like sitting naked
in my living room with the windows open
clothes are itchy, socks have a tendency
to make my feet smell automatically,

cleanliness is next to godliness and i
need all the god i can muster, why i
sing hymns because i hear they like music
up there more than talking, conversations
in chitchat sounds like static in an oyster,

can’t know for sure i recognize the world
have to assume i don’t, ignorant of the cosmos
and my own capacity for greatness, clouds
could be my thoughts, trees could be my limps
sun could be my soul, and even if the world
falls i’d have to go with it, and how’d i know
i was dropping when i would give up the ghost

before we land at the end of time because we are
booming through the millenniums and it takes
a long time to get to a floor so bottomless.  
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The Beauty in Love & Art

I doubted I would find real, mutual love for the longest time.

That is only because I've looked in the wrong places and have fallen hard every time I thought

I found a missing part of me.


The problem with me is I don't fit in when I'm in any other group.

All around me in my daily life, I end up doing things I didn't want to do.

My life is getting stuck between a rock and a hard place when I choose

To be something I feel is right for me.


You're not hard to please for you are a fellow artist who shares my passion and attraction.

We color each other's worlds and we help each other out when we need it the most.

I give you my passion and you give it back in return.

We are not dependent on one another because we can take care of ourselves.


The sea leads to many places and although I have not landed where I needed to go,

You found me and led me in the right direction.

With you and me together, "lost" has no meaning.

We are simply taking our time to get to where we need to be.


The forsaken world and everything that was wrong with it will be far behind

Once I leave what destroyed me before and look for who I am.

The chains that keep me from breathing no longer exist

When I am somewhere else in the consciousness hidden within.


The art I color is vital to me as taking a breath.

Likewise, the more we are next to each other,

The more I see how selfless and warmhearted you are.


The way you treat me thaws my own heart until there is a flame that surrounds it.

A flame that only burns when you and I continue to bond.

Only you can see and feel how special it is to me that you make me feel that way.

I dream of us meeting face to face so we can make our artistic worlds come to life.


You teach me many things that I hold onto in my life.

Being with you helps me resist temptation that hinders my goals.

Speaking my tongue to you helps me become wiser in knowing the right things to say.

Presenting my own art to you helps me gain the courage to keep blossoming until my colors bloom like summer flowers.

More importantly, revealing my hopes and dreams to you gave me the escape from misery I longed to achieve.


In return for your kindness, I give you my passion and complete our missing soul.

To truly build up trust, all we have to do for each other is stay and that's what I will do for you.

Two Worlds


I always felt like I was in a deep slumber and all of this was just a dream


When will I wake up?


Who says this is what life had to offer us?


Delusional by our greed and lust


Our hearts turn cold


I hear a voice calling out to me saying


 “Wake up”


I look around me and no one’s there


So deep inside my shell, I can’t even breathe anymore


Its suffocating


 Please send help


It goes dark


A voice whispers


“Wake up”


My eyes slowly open and I see the truth


I scream in agony


Feels like a thousand ants crawling in and out of me


The reality of the truth eats me alive


They make a mess of me


My body to ruin


I smell burnt flesh and I feel sick to my stomach


I am nothing


That ‘Reality’ was nothing but a sham


The world I made up to protect myself from the truth


They are calling out my name but their voices get lost in the thousands of cries of the underworld


The dead cry out in agony


But the world continues to spin


 Hear the dead cry out to their loved ones


Don’t you feel their pain?


Sadness fills up my heart


Their poor attempt to reach out to me fails


I see through them


They soon get cut off by my darkness


I can’t accept their half-assed sincerity


Why is there no one genuine?


That dream world was just a test


But the real game begins here


Trusting no one but myself


Who can really save me?


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Its often hard to express how i feel so i typed it up

Odd Man Out

Sometimes, I realize how different I am.


A shape that doesn't fit into any one particular place


Odd man out


When I look back on how versatile I've always been

Lots of different cliques, not a singular type of friend


Expending everything I have to be someone people want to talk to


But for what?


What am I searching for?



I can identify so many beautiful things that I have

In real life


A short few people who actually love me, for me


When I need them, they come through


In depth long conversation


Or just a simple cup of coffee because they're near


These are tried and true relationships



Sometimes I realize how different I am.


The tallest tree in the forest, towering above those who directly surround her


Or the tiniest grain of sand, undifferentiated, lost in an endless desert

So much the same, but uniquely separate in perspective

Nothing better, nothing worse

Just different...


If I had the choice to be somene else, in another place, another position

I wouldn't think twice before turning it down

I realize this isolation is an opportunity to turn myself around

I was once lost, and once again I will be found

I know I won't find myself in the struggle of another

So, I'll stop attempting to drown myself in the company of others

The silence, the absence, the willingness to be with me

The effort, The choice, The solace

It's become my sole necessity


Author's Notes/Comments: 

I'm in a weird space within right now.

Trying to find the strength to go radio silent and let the true friendships surface.

Trying to find a true friendship with myself, and rebuild my connection to my spirit.

Distance and space are hard to do when you feel like you'll be missing out on others.

But, it's time.