New Beginnings

Dog-ends

Dog-ends

By jfarrell

 

Stained coffee mugs and frayed shirts;

Dusty unread books on an undusted shelf;

Wallpaper peeling where the rain comes through;

These are the dog-ends of my life.

 

Detritus, clutter builds up around me, unseen;

A forgotten CD here, a photo I forgot to burn there;

A lifetime of junk builds up;

And I live amongst these dog-ends.

 

And now, like the most desperate of smokers,

I must break these dog-ends and build a new one to smoke;

A new life to live;

From the ashes of my dog-ends a dragon will arise.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my life is an ashtray

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

start as mean to go on

Start, as you mean to go on

By jfarrell

 

(inspired by coldplay and Sting’s brand new day )

 

My fingers bleed from racing them 6 strings…

Since I realized I can play guitar….

….”Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time…”

 

I’ve just turned 50,

And as a new year starts

I will be starting as I mean to go on….

 

Blasting out T-Rex and Chuck Berry licks….

‘Mirror in the bathroom’ with

‘My browned eyed girl’

 

And that sweet, so sweet…

‘red, red wine….’

….’ a taste of honey, is worse than none at all…’

 

…...depressed, drowning, for so long….

….just wanting to die…please… what a coward, let me go…

NO!…. now….

 

‘I can’t let the sun go down on me’….

Won’t….. can’t….

I was ready, now… all of a sudden I ain’t!

 

Turn the ‘Gain’ ALL the way up….

Just a little more volume….

… and start as I mean to go on!!!!!

 

‘Take a little bit of my heart now, baby….’

‘I’m your toy, 20th Century boy….’

 

‘we’re starting up a brand new day.’

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

just can't work why NOW i can play! been trying 32 years, hehe

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

50 was a crossroads

50 was a crossroads

By jfarrell

 

I did have a party on my 50th birthday…

And it was decided on your votes and contributions;

And, I think, it was great!!

 

My first birthday party, ever

Two folks did turn up..

Definitely better than no-one.

 

And we spent the night jamming on guitar;

With everybody begging me to stop singing, hehe

But, it’s my party and I’ll sing if I want to.

 

The real guitarist, I hadn’t seen him in a couple years;

And ‘Dodge’; well he couldn’t dodge the end of this friendship…

“Jim, you’re always so negative.”

 

A crossroads;

A natural ending, without bitterness;

My last friends and I go our separate ways.

 

“The times we had were great, we gotta keep in touch….”

We, all three, nodded, big smiles…

But.. the smile never quite reached our eyes….

 

I maybe losing the remnants of the only last good thing I got left;

Maybe, depression, pain, clouds my judgement….

….but

 

Maybe…

To move on to something better…

I gotta let something, stale, go….

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

moving on, maybe.....

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

From drunken ashes….

From drunken ashes….

By jfarrell

 

You’ve seen the harry potter scene…

The phoenix burns to ashes…

Then reappears two minutes later…

Egg, to little bird thing, to renewed phoenix

 

I was a drunk…. august, this year, I was still a drunk…

I AM a drunk… and proud of it….

My dad drunk and beat up his family…

I drank, went to sleep, wake up, drink…

 

Rinse and repeat…

 

Today…

3 women kissed me on both cheeks….

Everyone I work with patting me on the back,

Shaking my hand….

 

“Thanks, Jim”

 

Most I felt valued, alive,

…... like, ever…

And I haven’t got a scooby doo why.

….. not that it isn’t all nice…

 

Since I returned to work,

I faced a lot of my worst fears….

Heights - serving champange 25th floor of building…

London at night, all lights, forever…

 

Never seen London look so beautiful…

 

Crowds - being stuck on Olympic Way….

From station to work takes 5 minutes…

After work….

Hugging the wall, and kissing, very lovingly, every lampost….

 

THERE’S NO WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

After work….

50, 000 people and a little extra…

All headed for the same station….

…. trust me, I really love those lamposts….

 

An anchor…

In this OCEAN of people….

Anchor…

What word could be more appropriate?

 

SPACE….

To roll a smoke, to dance a jig….

To plug in my headphones and LEAVE EARTH>>>>>

A space, chance, to breathe

 

And…

So many beautiful women, everywhere…

20 years, locked in my flat, alone, celibate….

There IS a very good reason I chose that.

 

I’m too scared to be a phoenix.

I’ve seen my future,

Alone,

Forever and ever.

 

Please don’t drag me from my ashes;

Let me smoulder…. burn…

“a taste of honey is worse than none at all” - great song…

I don’t want no part.

 

Fears - LOVE - vulnerable, pain, hurt, heartbreak….

I don’t want no part, too scared to…

Let me lie in my ashes

And never rises again

 

please

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

someone once asked me.... you're like a kid in a sweetshop, around women.....

not quite, i replied.... yes, kid in a sweet shop.... but aall the mars bars are empty wrrappers.....

my therapist didn't understand,

 

i just never want to have that conversation again

 

 

I’d love to be able to draw

I’d love to be able to draw

By jfarrell

 

There’s a saying…

“We’ve all got a book inside us”….

I’ve a set clawing at the door to be let out.

There’s just one tiny problem.

 

My writing abilities are good enough to give you

The “Three Billy Goats Gruff” (with pictures - ladybird books)

As a story, but the Tarantino style dialogue,

That’s never gonna get published.

 

But as a ‘manga’ cartoon, or proper drawing of any sort,

I’d get away with it, maybe even get famous, make money;

Another saying “a picture says a dozen words”

If I could draw the images in my mind, getting them out would be easier.

 

But! I can’t draw worth a dime.

But! I can write.

I just gotta learn to write better

And one more thing, before I go…

 

I’d love to write a comedy; few books have made me laugh,

But those that have - I literally hurt myself laughing;

But, I suspect a very bloody, gore-fest of a story wants to be let out first.

Why do I write? Cartharsis - makes me heal, right? Is healthy, get it out.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

the world is my grey, slippery elusive son a bitch in the shell that keeps biting me everytime i try to open it .... ouch, it got a fingernail that time, hehe

Stepping Up

Stepping Up

By JFarrell

 

 

The last time I worked was 31st March 2000

This Sunday, 6th August 2017

I will be a barman at Wembley Stadium

For the start of the football season

My first day of work in a long time

 

From waste of space drunk to the FA Community Shield

In a little over three months

Can I really change? Can I make it?

Leave my alcoholism and past behind

And move into a new, brighter future?

 

The stadium seats ninety thousand people

I get anxious being around just one person

I am absolutely ‘bricking it’

But if I can cope with this

I’ll be able to cope with anything

 

I am 49 years old

Facing fears in a major way

Forcing my life into a new direction

I am stepping up to the plate

Let’s hope I don’t suck

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

come on Arsenal

Chrysalis

Chrysalis

   By JFarrell

 

A time to breathe, to rest;

To recharge my batteries;

A seven day cocoon of non-activity;

Between an end and a new beginning.

 

From waste of space drunk,

I’ve crawled, dragged myself up to walk;

Ran with a bug up my ass through college;

Now, to sprout my wings as wide as I can.

 

Tomorrow I have my first job interview;

Actual paid work, for money;

My first this century;

Look at them wings, ain’t they magnificent?

 

Watch me;

Dammit, I’m flying already;

From a drunken maggot, I grew,

Into this wondrous…..

DRAGON………….. hisssssssssssssssssssssssss

;-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i can change :) or i will die trying :-) love having no options ;-)

28th Day Sober

28th Day Sober

By JFarrell

 

 

(“All the people in the world, they have the chance to change things;

But they must think and work and dream,

And break some rules, to change things.

They must change.”   John M Watts of Fischer Z)

 

 

I am still sober on the 28th day,

But with the London Bridge attack, last night,

Forgive my lack of jubilance.

 

I have had to be determined to get to this place; sober,

And I have new determination

To learn Arabic, to destroy this ideology, with poetry.

 

You can’t fight lies with lies;

You can’t fight hate with hate;

So truth and love are the only weapons we have.

 

And WORDS.

And it is words that started this mess,

Since the beginning of time.

 

No god has ever asked MAN to war, fight or hate;

No god ever wrote a book:

Gods make mountains, rain, love.

 

MEN write “these are the words of god”

MEN who want power speak “in the name of god”;

And, please notice I said “MEN” - this is not my hidden sexism poking through;

MEN cause this.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

we can change if for the better

Stop telling me I can’t change the world

Stop telling me I can’t change the world

By JFarrell

 

Stop telling me I can’t change the world.

You know why one man can’t change the world?

Because everyone tells him he can’t.

 

Not me!

 

I am trying to act better.

How I act has an affect on how others act

And so on…

Ripples.

 

A butterfly flaps it’s wings here,

There has the monster of all storms.

 

You are reading my poem

That will have some effect on what you feel, what you think

However insignificant

Ripples.

 

I can and am changing the world.

And I just proved it.

 

You can change the world too.

Let’s make it better

Please

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

proved it