October.20.2003
Trisha Barrek Hopkins
Once again I'm in a losing battle
Lost with no place to hide
As I walk I feel my bones rattle
Once again my heart has died
These thoughts to stop I've tried
Day and night I just go on crying
I have no more strength
Just let me go on dying
Once again to myself I fight
To myself I keep lying
This battle of mine is so long in length
Truth is no one is out there
Who will for me go that extra mile
No one for me to care
I just want this frown to go away
So I can smile
But nothing nice people can say
To show I mean something
To let me know they hear
But It's just games they play
Being alone is my biggest fear
Hurt is what I feel everyday
God is so unfair
What is left is hatered
To my heart you bring
A lasting tear
No one with me
Wants to forever be by my side
No one wants to stay
When they see me they turn around to hide
With me they don't want to be
I must remain alone
Till my dying day
And my heart
It turned back to stone
No more do I care
What people have to say
Because getting close to me will anyone dare
Copyright
Who are you?
what am I?
this is life--
we're passers by.
radiance falls
& fragrance lingers
this subtle numbness
tingles through the tip of my fingers
could love fill the empty room?
this desolate space,
it consumes
the human race,
like a black hole
a vacuum to the light in your soul..
hazey eyes
gloomy skies
sunshine cries--
the funeral's today..
the windows shine
stained glass
colored in disarray
I prayed to God, may you stay..
I'm sorry,
If sometimes I sound
And act like
I'm pushing you away.
I'm not scared
Of losing anything...
I didn't need
Anyone...
My life has no
Greater meaning
Until I met you.
It's just that I'm beginning
To love you beyond
I've ever felt before,
Beyond I ever thought
I could,
And it scares the hell
Out of me.
It scares me
Because I have a glitch-
The one you know of.
Some time in the past,
I've allowed myself
To love -
Unconditionally...
And though I know
You are different
And THIS is incomparable,
Loving too much
Triggers the me that was
Hurt too much
And when it happens,
Something inside of me
Shuts off.
And I get scared,
And I try to fight it off,
Pretending I'm okay
When I'm not.
Worse, in defense,
I foolishly build
This stupid wall,
Made of silly words-
Between us.
Wall of words
To gather courage
That I'm ready for
Anything
Because you and
Your happiness,
Mean everything
To me.
A wall I built,
As if I didn't know
That the warmth
Of your love and
The gentleness
Of your heart
Can see and pierce
Through it.
You know me better.
That I was dying
To be rescued.
You're still there
Unmoved, unshaken.
Hurt...
But waiting, patiently
With open arms-
For me.
I'm so, so, soooooooo very sorry.
If I sound
And act like
I'm pushing you away.
More than anything,
Despite my glitch,
Please...stay.
Don’t go away my friend, remember this,
I am not as strong as Corydon,
In Arnold’s “Thyrsis”,
Impossible it is to breathe without you alone.
Let’s tread together,
Like the rail tracks let’s try and touch the horizon,
Let’s go after,
What is good, let new dreams be born.
Illumine myriad others acting like the stars,
Through the priceless prose, through each glorious verse.
Echoes of your voice ring
Feelings I've been keeping
I drank this blue bottle
My heart didn't settle
The laughters we had
They make me feel bad
Tragic are these stories
Our tale didn't exist
I thought I'd be drunk
Just sleep on this bunk
But I couldn't help picturing you
And I couldn't stop thinking of you
Of how you are tonight
I think of you a lot
If you are just alright
'Cause honestly I'm not
I went to your house today
You were not there again
There are things I want to say
Things a phone cannot send
Face me just this time
Don't walk away like you do
Just talk and stay only to
Make me feel alright
I beg you, don't go
I want this to close
There are things I want you to know
How I felt way before the cold
You always smile although I'm mad
You always try to make me glad
In all ways, you are never bad
If I'll lose you, I'll be so sad
I never asked a favor from you before
But now that I am loving you more and more
There is only one thing that I pray
I beg God that you would stay this way
You make jokes for me every hour
You keep all the things that you vowed
I never had seen you furious
Although they said you're notorious
I won't ever want you to change
I love who you are this way
So I'm begging you to stay
Please remain like this each day
How does one know when it’s right?
When winter finally changes to spring and the sun shines a little brighter
Or does the day just turn into night?
And one wonders can I ever go back to when it was lighter?
When do I let go?
Please, how do you know?
Tell me to let go of hope
Or do I keep fighting,
Fighting for what used to be?
I don’t know I really don’t, I wish one of these days I could just see
But I guess I’ll have to be patient with what my heart decides happens to me.
Life, Love, Truth
Beautiful things giv’n me in my youth
But I wasted them all away.
Your love, your eyes, your kiss
All of the things that I miss
But I never made you stay.
Glances, chances, charm
Who knew they could bring such harm?
I left your spirit to soar.
Death, time, rotten,
Please leave me forgotten,
Think of me no more.
It’s funny the way
People can make you feel
So is this feeling mine?
Or what you want to be real
You made me feel guilty
For wanting to leave
And for wanting to stay
So what will it be Steve?
I feel the guilt of her
Her presence weighs down on me
But through her
I’ve begun to see
The real you, the buried you
The part you kept concealed
The part of you
That I unknowingly revealed
I know there’s no taking it back
No way to be where we were
I uncovered your hate and jealousy
Your dependency – that’s for sure
And now I’m the blame for all of this
I am the one in the wrong
Maybe I am – maybe I couldn’t see
How your need could run so long
Straight through the heart of me
And back through my chest
You drove your need
Never giving me a moments rest
Now I want to leave who you’ve become
The you I helped create
For that I am so sorry
But it’s me who's begun to deflate
The weight of your guilt
To much for me to bare
And you’re driving me to a place
I don’t think Satan would go there
Leave now and take your heart
Please believe I never wanted to leave
Even though I’m going now
Remember I really did love you Steve
~Chrystal
Written on
September 6, 2005