On Faithfulness

Simple Thoughts

"Don't get so frustrated, 

it's only a book, 

or a few words

that you threw,


hoping they might stick.

Sound familiar?


especially if you've stuck with it.


Life can be funny like that,

in fact, it is,

that the same things

seem to alwaus happen


to people who may wish

it wasn't the case;

assuming it's negative.

Once you give it a second


to process,

it's wild to think

the same exact advice

you give


is the opposite

of how you live

your own life.

Some advice...


Twice now I've had to step in.

To stop the golden desires

of sundrops on skin,



when there has already been seeds sown,

a tree has been growing,

and now there's doubt,

the axe lays on its side


nearby. Nearly every time,

it can hurt to cry,

but not if infidelity

is the reason why. At least,


let's hope 

that's not the case.

I'd hate to see the fallout,

it'd be all over the place."

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just some thoughts on my ever-increasing number of friends who have yet to reach relationship goals... 

*Just Disappear, Just Die*



 Trisha Barrek Hopkins


I wish you would die 

And go to hell

Everything that comes out of your mouth

I can't believe because it's just a lie

To your face I wish I could tell

"I hate you" 

Because you're to me no longer real

You are not true

And towards you nothing is what I feel


You try to command

But get mad when I don't obey

I don't know why you can't understand

On what I'm trying to say

For you to just shut up and listen

Is what I demand

I'm not a little girl with the shine in her eye

My eyes no longer glisten

I ask one thing of you "Just disappear, Just die"


In the war no longer you are

That was your past

Way back so far

So stop letting the memory last

Stop in my eyes trying to be this star

I honestly don't care

Your life I don't want to be in 

My life with you I don't want to share

Keep trying to control me and my love you won't win


Just disappear

The way you were brought up don't pass on to me 

I won't listen I don't care

God from his life set me free

Just die

When I'm finally rid of this prisonment

Then I will beable to happily cry

Untill then in this depression I am sent

This hatered for you I won't lie

Is beyond deep

And this passion of wanting you gone

It's hauntingly steep


These past couple of months

You have been doing things that make me sick 

Make me ill

I wish God could of made a better pick

But I'm stuck with you 

You think your all that and slick

Well the only thing you are is fake

No where being true

Through your heart will be a wooden stake


God let this ass get his own life

And leave mine alone

Because no matter what I do It's never right It's always wrong

Get it over with.... turn me to stone

So in this life here I won't spend so long


So get it into your mind

There is nothing you can do

Some how some way my own life I will find

So always remember when I'm gone

"I hated you"

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I don't feel this way anymore. I wish we were as when I was young. Close again Frown

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My Love

I'm not who you think I am
I'm not unbreakable
I'm not bulletproof
I still feel pain
Everyone calls me a hero
A savoir
But I think there's only one savoir myself
I've never thought of myself as important
I'm just doing what's right
I get a lot of prestige from that
A lot of things I've never asked for
But I'll give it all away in an instant
If you want me to
I know everyone needs saving sometimes
Even you
I've seen you cry
I've seen your pain
I've seen your darkness
Deep within
I can save you
I can be your hero
To spirit you away
If you just let me
If you trust me
And you can save me
Because you're my hero too

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leave, left, live

Left in hate, I argue about love, and what is the frustration about when the cause outreaches the existence of liberty and when the argument lives in hate.

To Wonder is Feline.

Down the sidewalk, past centennial street,
A road I’ve come to know in nearly every light.
It is lined with familiar houses, with unfamiliar faces.
I know the house where one Saint Bernard lives.
Whose drooping lids and flappy flews know no lieu.
And the Samoyed, I know him too.
He lives in the house with the bright pillars,
As if colored in by children’s hands.
The years have gone, and I’ve daily past.
If they see me in grey, well, I see them like that too.
They cock their heads, and then dismiss.
As if to say, ‘Oh, it’s just you again.’

Finally I come to the point where the sidewalk ends,
The part where I turn around.
Just one more step,
And I’d be further away, than I have ever been.
One more step,
And I’d be doing something strange.

Between me and the stop sign,
Lays a mobile thing.
The grey tabby in my direction casts
A pair of yellow and blinking eyes
Going with speed, with no particular end in mind
It might be nice, I think to myself, to be a cat.
With no solid ties, no long goodbyes,
To anyone or anything.
Could I grow pointed ears and whiskered cheeks?
To travel along a breeze,
Binding the known, so long.
What would that be like?
I would not travel, by road or way.
But through open field or wooded plane,
That is the path I would take.
I’d take my hat, my journal, and my time.
I’d take a turn around every rock and every tree
Just to see what I would find.

Yet it is here that I turn, again to choose the same.
Perhaps, one day, I’ll follow.
Perhaps one day, I’ll bereave
But the sky is getting darker now,
And even cats do not wonder in the rain.

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My Final Day Alive

My final day alive
What shall I do?

Should I go out
Surrounded by loved ones
Have a great time
And forget about tomorrow?

Should I go crazy
Do something insane
Make me feel alive
And not think of what is next?

Should I stay
Lock myself in my house
My final hours alone
Wondering what is to come?

It is my final day alive
What shall I do?

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It’s funny the way

People can make you feel

So is this feeling mine?

Or what you want to be real


You made me feel guilty

For wanting to leave

And for wanting to stay

So what will it be Steve?


I feel the guilt of her

Her presence weighs down on me

But through her

I’ve begun to see


The real you, the buried you

The part you kept concealed

The part of you

That I unknowingly revealed


I know there’s no taking it back

No way to be where we were

I uncovered your hate and jealousy

Your dependency – that’s for sure


And now I’m the blame for all of this

I am the one in the wrong

Maybe I am – maybe I couldn’t see

How your need could run so long


Straight through the heart of me

And back through my chest

You drove your need

Never giving me a moments rest


Now I want to leave who you’ve become

The you I helped create

For that I am so sorry

But it’s me who's begun to deflate


The weight of your guilt

To much for me to bare

And you’re driving me to a place

I don’t think Satan would go there


Leave now and take your heart

Please believe I never wanted to leave

Even though I’m going now

Remember I really did love you Steve



Written on

September 6, 2005

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was written right at the end of my "marriage" with Steve. The other person I wrote about was his daughter, Kendra Elaine Swallows. I really do think that I loved him. Even though I know now that it would never work.

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