hurt

Fucking Lost Again

You Want To Bring Them
Some Sort Of Happiness
But Nothing You Bring
Makes Them Smile At All
Not Even The Slightest Bit


You Wonder What Went Wrong In Your Life
Sometimes You Want Your Life To End
And Sometimes You Don't Know What To Do
But You End Up Moving Foward
Because You Don't Know
What The Else The Fuck To Do


You Don't Have Any Talents
You Don't Have Any Skills
The Dream I've Had
Since I Became A Christian
Hasn't Moved Forward
I Don't Know What To Do
I Don't Know What To Say


I'm Just Lost And I Need To Be Saved Again
And I Need To Feel Lovable, Capable And Worthwhile
I Need To Know I Am Not Alone
I Need To Know I Am Loved Without Strings

 

 

The Gorge

 

What makes us cry? What makes us feel so insecure that we throw ourselves from the worn down path that we trudge in our quest to keep sane and allow ourselves to be thrown into the cavernous hole of hell that is so dark and without meaning that our minds simply shrivel to a structure of most insignificance? It simply can be blamed on the coarse and hostile words that are thrown down like thunderclaps by those that stand on the isolated cliffs above: To which we seek the most of solace from. But to say that the individuals are to be solely blamed is to ignore the high cliffs of comfort that the blamer grants those that fire these heinous slandering's, that grant them immunity from their own words.

 

We walk a path between oblivion of the mind and the souls destruction, void of a sense of right or wrong to which our pride consumes like a cancer. For many, this road is filled with sharp stones made from our past grief's and the far too ominous memories which seek to hinder us in our pursuit of the happiness that we are often told is but to be had at the posting of a picture or the following of an icon. These jaggered rocks prick into your skin and bled you of all positive blood that your weak veins pitifully pulse in an effort to delude you into thinking it all is but a headache of a former life.

 

To your left, the words bounce back and forth, playing squash against your skull; causing you to topple backwards, your hands splintering at the pressure that the memories of your downfall and the black abyss is to your right: Its so very tempting to take as a purple black bile oozes from the rocks and takes you to a small peaceful area, an eye in the storm. The shouts and calls become distant as the whisperings take hold of your bleeding ears that no longer want the harsh hardship of the torment that the path presents. You listen to them a'e the screaming of the privileged tell you that your life, so frivolous and lacking in the proper worth to be worthy of happiness, just needs to end. The whisperings argue that life only begins when you cast aside the microbes of possessions and into that unknown that the chasm offers.

 

On the path, the shouting and screaming stops. The chasm ends its mutterings and leaves you on the floor, your humanity spilling out on the rocks as your eyes and will grow weak. You have two options.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Second poem, hope its alright to read as I know it was good to write it!

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Afraid To Be Alone

Folder: 
Miracles

I've Tried Hide All The Scars
I Left Behind
You Wanted
To Make Me Fresh And New
But I'm Ashamed
I Have Nothing Of No Talent
I Feel I Have Of Nothing Of Use


I Tried Letting It Go
But You Wont Let Me Be
Why Do You Look For Me
When I've Got Nothing
You Cloak Your Cape
And Shower Your Love On Me

These Tears Cannot Express


But I Still Wonder
Why Do You Choose Me
Its Not Your Place
To Follow Me
You Expect Me To Give You Something
But I've Got No Talent
Still I Follow You
Because Of Your Caring Warmth


For Someone Who Has So Much
To Care For Someone Of So Little
Unclenching My Fist
And Opening Up My Soul
Makes Me Exhale My Heart
And Come Forth
With Arms Wide Open


Because Someone Who Cares
Someone Whos There For Me
And Someone Who Knows
Somebody
Who Knows Whats Its Like
Being Afraid To Be Alone

I Am Free

I was a stone, skipping frantically over the water’s surface, only to sink to the unending depths, choking; desperate.

I was a leaf, briefly flashing stunning hue, then tumbling from the tree, slowly swirling to meet the hard, cold ground.

I was the setting sun, incredible beauty, bands of soft and radiant color, only to slip into the horizon, greeting the pitch of night.

I was a bird, soaring the open azure skies, only to be brought down with a violent arrow; overwhelming agony.

I was a rose, fragrant, full of life, breaking out of the bud, but petals soon fall, I crumble.

Never inhaling, loving warmth withheld, fear of the dark, the unknown, unbearable pain, shattered.  I felt, despaired, experienced; yet battled.  I was broken, but yet not…I fought, I rallied, finally breaking the chains that bound; unfettered. 

 

I am free! 

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Healing Will Come

Folder: 
Healing

 

 

Healing is harsh.  It scrapes at the soul deeply, agonizing at first.

Healing hurts sometimes.  It sends me places that are barren, abandonded, lonely.

Healing confuses.  Not knowing or understanding, difficulty comprehending.

Healing is forceful.  Pouding painfully against shards of acknowledgement.

Healing is a battle.  Fighting to find the good, piecing together the torn.

Healing is a journey.  Traversing a steep and rough road, seeking level plane.

Healing is unhurried.  Time stands still, remaining in the lonesome darkness.

Healing is hard.  Constant toil, forgiving the unforgiveable.

Healing is necessary.  Finding peace, seeing the light, grateful in the

warmth of my blessings.

 

Healing will come, in it’s own way, in it’s own time, and will unleash my burdens at last.  

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Peace Of Strength

Folder: 
People

Through The Dark Night I See Smoke
And In The Day I See Glistering Mist
But In The Time I Reached Out
I Could Not Feel Your Breath
If You Rise And Fight On
I Will Be There For You


And If You Break Down
I Sweat I Will Catch You
I Swear I Will Be There For You
And Until The Day I Cry
I Will Not Give Into The Dark
Never Will I Give Up On Your Smile
Never Will I Say
I Can't Do This Anymore


For What Strenghth I Can't Bring Forth
You Give Me That Inner Peace
I Can't Forget That Ever
You Have Earned A Place In My Heart
Not Because Of What You've Done
Not Because Of What You've Said
But Because Of Who You Are
And What You Mean To Me


And In The End
You Are What Gives Me Strength
You Are The One
Who Keeps Me Moving Forward
You Give Me The Words
When I Have Nothing Else To Say
And When I Was On The Edge Of Giving Up
You Were Always There For Me


Not Enough

I'm not strong enough

I'm not good enough
You think this is a one&done marathon
When I'm really running 
Past the finish line
Legs aching
Stomach quivering
To reach perfection
Or some form of appraisal 
This is a joke 
No one understands the distance
The time it takes to even reach 
A minimal checkpoint
It'd be better for everyone
If I took myself out 
Out of this race 
Put my misery out
With one strike
One blow
One time 
No time
Left
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I feel bad when my family says I'm not good enough sometimes so I have tried and tried again to be good enough. I then realized after writing this that I need to be good for myself and only try to get to where I want to be regardless of what others expectations or opinions are. Keep your head up :)

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No Longer In Pain

Folder: 
Emotional

I am not good with showing how I feel.
No until the pain becomes to real.
The moment my walls come down.
In a flood of tears, I drown.
When sorrow flows in a steady stream.
I no longer know how to dream.

I use to be so well guarded,
That emotion could not be seen on my face, not even a trace.
That I stood tall and strong.
In a world that did me wrong.
I could hold back my hurt,
When people looked down on me as if I was dirt.

When my heart could take, the ache.
Even though it was damaged and tore,
I told myself, I always swore.
That words were all they were and nothing more.
That I could turn my back and ignore their cruelty.
Just turn away,
Just not listen to what they say.

The days grew longer, but the minutes were endless,
And I would look upon the stars at night,
I would ask whoever was listening then,
If it were alright,
If I could give up the fight.
Because I was tired and alone,
An outcast and on my own.

The wall that protected my soul crumbled and crashed,
Turned to ruble fast,
My strong facade was never meant to last.
And so I to fell.
I made no sound, not even a yell.
As if there was anyone who heard when they could never tell,
I was about to crack.

Now. The tears continue to fall,
Wishing I had someone I could call,
Out to.
They don't stop only continue to flow one after another.
One tear, after the other.
Is it because of pain?
Or is it because it comes natural,
Just like the rain.

I can not tell because I have done it for so long.
Crying.
Until I finally gave up trying.
My heart no longer plays its own song,
It doesn't carry the same tune it once had.
Now isn't that sad...
That I let life gets the best of me,
Now I am not who I used to be,

I can no longer see,
A way out of the dark pit,
No opening, no rift.
Just darkness all around.
Capturing everything it surrounds.
No light to shine through,
My life is done, through.

Somehow, I am okay with that.

I am no longer in pain.

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My Flame

 

 
My Brokenness hurts in new ways in each season of my life
Some more painful to go through than others
Sometimes you're not the only one affected either
His Truth remains the same,
His fire burns; His Flame.
 
In the rest of His arms my soul seeks,
Yet my sin and body meek, 
To the one who destroys,
and employs destruction,
The magnet to my heart so sweet,
Yet my falls induction. 
 
A spiral I see but to the Lord He smiles for He knows the blows only brings me closer; His trials
In the hope I see, an end to the trend of my slippery slope,
Yet that end isn't near but I can hear, what is that?
 
Ah yes, His truth remains the same, His fire burns; his flame. 
 
The Lord accepts me in my failures, the precepts He gives He tailors, 
For me. 
I see it, but still fail, 
I hit the trail and run. I try and catch up to You but still I stumble, I mumble, I groan, my feet fail me
It's time to give up. I give up. I give up
 
I trust in You, but still I try to live up, drink from Your cup I try. I try, I try, 
Yet I still die, and why?
 
Ah yes, don't forget! His truth remains the same. His fire burns; His flame! 
 
But Lord it hurts, it's painful, I don't like it but I need it. 
I love it, but I hate it. 
It's growing on me now, I see it.
 
Oh lord how beautiful You are, 
And how I thought you were so far, but no! 
You're right here, You've always been here! 
 
What's this? You're handing me a mirror so that I can see myself? 
But Lord, let me just gaze upon You,
Let me see you just for another se- wha', where's my filth? 
I'm white as snow.. Wait God, where did you go? I need You! 
 
[God] " Son, don't be afraid for I am here with you.
 Remember, my Truth remains the same, 
my Holy Fire burns, it is My Flame! 
 
It destroys you, yet frees you.
Though your feet may fail you,
My love never fails
 
I took the sin of the world and put it upon my Son as a sacrifice,
The only thing that would suffice
He paid the highest price.
 
He died and rose again,
Now you are made clean in my sight, 
My love for you, made complete." 
 
[me] 
 
God, I praise you,
I give you my everything 
May my life represent the goodness of your love in my life.
 
May my lips sing of your praises forever and ever. AMEN! 
 
[pause]
 
Entering this rest....Was this life a test?
No,no
A blessing, that will have me forever confessing the goodness of my Lord,
My Savior, my King, my Father, my Sword.
 
I am His son, for whom He loves and will never be forgotten.
He is here with me.
His Fire burns bright, and His Flame sustains me, from within me. 
 
Thank you, Lord. 
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in the midst of my complete brokenness dealing with a struggle of mine. It shown my struggle of going back and forth and then the way it's written shows the anxiety and distraction i have during it. also, at the end is the hope in which I can gaze upon God freed of my pain and basking in His beauty, changed all throughout because of it.