hurt

Not Enough

I'm not strong enough

I'm not good enough
You think this is a one&done marathon
When I'm really running 
Past the finish line
Legs aching
Stomach quivering
To reach perfection
Or some form of appraisal 
This is a joke 
No one understands the distance
The time it takes to even reach 
A minimal checkpoint
It'd be better for everyone
If I took myself out 
Out of this race 
Put my misery out
With one strike
One blow
One time 
No time
Left
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I feel bad when my family says I'm not good enough sometimes so I have tried and tried again to be good enough. I then realized after writing this that I need to be good for myself and only try to get to where I want to be regardless of what others expectations or opinions are. Keep your head up :)

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No Longer In Pain

Folder: 
Emotional

I am not good with showing how I feel.
No until the pain becomes to real.
The moment my walls come down.
In a flood of tears, I drown.
When sorrow flows in a steady stream.
I no longer know how to dream.

I use to be so well guarded,
That emotion could not be seen on my face, not even a trace.
That I stood tall and strong.
In a world that did me wrong.
I could hold back my hurt,
When people looked down on me as if I was dirt.

When my heart could take, the ache.
Even though it was damaged and tore,
I told myself, I always swore.
That words were all they were and nothing more.
That I could turn my back and ignore their cruelty.
Just turn away,
Just not listen to what they say.

The days grew longer, but the minutes were endless,
And I would look upon the stars at night,
I would ask whoever was listening then,
If it were alright,
If I could give up the fight.
Because I was tired and alone,
An outcast and on my own.

The wall that protected my soul crumbled and crashed,
Turned to ruble fast,
My strong facade was never meant to last.
And so I to fell.
I made no sound, not even a yell.
As if there was anyone who heard when they could never tell,
I was about to crack.

Now. The tears continue to fall,
Wishing I had someone I could call,
Out to.
They don't stop only continue to flow one after another.
One tear, after the other.
Is it because of pain?
Or is it because it comes natural,
Just like the rain.

I can not tell because I have done it for so long.
Crying.
Until I finally gave up trying.
My heart no longer plays its own song,
It doesn't carry the same tune it once had.
Now isn't that sad...
That I let life gets the best of me,
Now I am not who I used to be,

I can no longer see,
A way out of the dark pit,
No opening, no rift.
Just darkness all around.
Capturing everything it surrounds.
No light to shine through,
My life is done, through.

Somehow, I am okay with that.

I am no longer in pain.

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My Flame

 

 
My Brokenness hurts in new ways in each season of my life
Some more painful to go through than others
Sometimes you're not the only one affected either
His Truth remains the same,
His fire burns; His Flame.
 
In the rest of His arms my soul seeks,
Yet my sin and body meek, 
To the one who destroys,
and employs destruction,
The magnet to my heart so sweet,
Yet my falls induction. 
 
A spiral I see but to the Lord He smiles for He knows the blows only brings me closer; His trials
In the hope I see, an end to the trend of my slippery slope,
Yet that end isn't near but I can hear, what is that?
 
Ah yes, His truth remains the same, His fire burns; his flame. 
 
The Lord accepts me in my failures, the precepts He gives He tailors, 
For me. 
I see it, but still fail, 
I hit the trail and run. I try and catch up to You but still I stumble, I mumble, I groan, my feet fail me
It's time to give up. I give up. I give up
 
I trust in You, but still I try to live up, drink from Your cup I try. I try, I try, 
Yet I still die, and why?
 
Ah yes, don't forget! His truth remains the same. His fire burns; His flame! 
 
But Lord it hurts, it's painful, I don't like it but I need it. 
I love it, but I hate it. 
It's growing on me now, I see it.
 
Oh lord how beautiful You are, 
And how I thought you were so far, but no! 
You're right here, You've always been here! 
 
What's this? You're handing me a mirror so that I can see myself? 
But Lord, let me just gaze upon You,
Let me see you just for another se- wha', where's my filth? 
I'm white as snow.. Wait God, where did you go? I need You! 
 
[God] " Son, don't be afraid for I am here with you.
 Remember, my Truth remains the same, 
my Holy Fire burns, it is My Flame! 
 
It destroys you, yet frees you.
Though your feet may fail you,
My love never fails
 
I took the sin of the world and put it upon my Son as a sacrifice,
The only thing that would suffice
He paid the highest price.
 
He died and rose again,
Now you are made clean in my sight, 
My love for you, made complete." 
 
[me] 
 
God, I praise you,
I give you my everything 
May my life represent the goodness of your love in my life.
 
May my lips sing of your praises forever and ever. AMEN! 
 
[pause]
 
Entering this rest....Was this life a test?
No,no
A blessing, that will have me forever confessing the goodness of my Lord,
My Savior, my King, my Father, my Sword.
 
I am His son, for whom He loves and will never be forgotten.
He is here with me.
His Fire burns bright, and His Flame sustains me, from within me. 
 
Thank you, Lord. 
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in the midst of my complete brokenness dealing with a struggle of mine. It shown my struggle of going back and forth and then the way it's written shows the anxiety and distraction i have during it. also, at the end is the hope in which I can gaze upon God freed of my pain and basking in His beauty, changed all throughout because of it. 

*Look At Me*

November.11.1997

 Trisha Barrek Hopkins

 

Look at me

Look past the clothes

Look past the skin

Look into the soul

Tell me what you see

My heart does not play around

Hurt my feeling you made a sin

God brought us together

He is the one that found

The beautiful relationship to be 

The one that will last forever

God knows it will be him

A broken heart....In pieces...Never

In this passionate love we will swim

Trueness is forever

Fate brought us to one another

Hearts intwined are even better

We will wear on us a heart to show our love

It replaces the scar-let letter

Our relationship will fit tighter then a glove

We will never neglect

True romance will reflect

Treat eachother with respect

Promise truthfully we will never part

Promise I will not get a broken heart

 

Look at me

I hate the way I must be

Can't you see

I liked you from the start

I would not want you to leave my sight

If we disagree

Lets not fight

Promise you'll keep away the fears

Help me with the hurt

Keep away the tears

Do not be a tease

Playing with my mind

My love is what I will freeze

Trying to hurt me is so unkind

Be sweet to me 

You'll see what you find

Let our spirits free 

Understanding

rearranging

Look inside

sick of paging

Hope you had not lied

Forever

Such sins

Finding out the truth I've cried

Together

It just begins

Leaving eachother

Look at me 

Look beyond

Can't you believe

That we have a special bond

So I guess this means I have to leave

 

Copyright

19 and Naïve

WARNING: This is a heavy piece of writing that deals with the topic of sexual assault through relaying a survivors experience of date rape. If you are offended or sensitive to this subject matter, then please refrain from reading this particular piece. 

 

To everyone else: I wanted this piece of writing to channel the various feelings, thoughts, and overall experience of what it's like to go through such a horrific experience. It's choppy, it's scattered, and it's devoid of warmth. It's as though you're watching these events occur, but you aren't really experiencing them. You're disconnected; dissociated. To the survivors of sexual assault, my heart goes out to you and I know your many pains. For me, writing about my experiences has provided more healing than any shrink or pills ever could. 

I'm always here to talk if anyone ever needs a listening ear, or sounding board. 

You're not alone.

 

-G.B

 

 

19 and naïve

Lonely

Desperate

 

She rides the 5E down the line

It's 11 PM

Past her bedtime

Work in the morning, she'll sleep in

 

One shot,

One night,

One boy who never paid her mind

 

Cold, it's the Dead of winter. She takes off a glove and fixes her hair

 

He's finally noticed her

She's coming at his midnight beckon

 

Houses with closed blinds fly past the window

Ever closer to her destination

 

her heart beats in rhythm to the bumping of tires over potholes

 

A man boards the bus,

waves a glove in her face

Crazy wide eyes and alcohol on his breath,

insanity pours out of a poisoned mouth

 

She sidles past and steps outside,

Cold air punches her lungs and leaves her gasping

 

She's walking

Walking

Walking

 

Towards the house in the middle of the street

 

The house he's waiting for her in

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting for his chance

 

Stopping at the porch, he welcomes her with open arms,

Tall and strong, enveloping her in a disconcerting embrace

 

They enter,

A staircase leads up

 

to a room

 

The room

 

The room with posters

And a laptop

And an inflatable mattress

 

'We're going to watch a movie'

 

It's not a question

 

We are

I am

 

I sit, but he wants to lay

His voice slithers wet and heavy in my ear

 

'You want it, but I'm not giving it to you'

 

My brain starts to ache

Confusion

Throat becomes sandpaper

I've forgotten how to breathe

 

I don't want it

 

Hands now roaming my body without permission 

Shallow compliments fall on me and explode in a queasy stomach

 

I'm going numb

His mouth on mine

This isn't how I imagined it

 

Fighting back against bile rising in my throat

 

When did I become naked

 

He tells me I want it

 

I still don't

 

What happened to the movie

I just wanted a movie

 

He's inside me

Everything hurts

His face is ugly

And I think I hate him

 

He tells me to shut up

 

I can't

 

A hand strikes me

 

Shocking

Stinging

 

'I told you to be quiet'

 

Strong hands now hug my throat

A violent embrace

I want to cough

I can't

 

Squeezing

Gripping

 

Spots dance before my eyes

 

Tears threaten to fall

Please don't betray me

Trying to maintain

 

I can't

 

 

He grabs my face

 

'Are you crying?'

 

There's amusement in his voice

It's a game to him

 

He soothes me

Wipes my tears

Before resuming

 

Mouth to my ear again

Hissing

Growling

 

'I love raping you

 

I love raping you

 

God it's good

 

Dirty whore

 

I know you love it'

 

I'm there for years

I think I flew away  for a few of them

 

Up

Up

Out of the room with the inflatable mattress

Out of my body

 

The body that rejected me

Made this happen

Nightmare

 

It's finally over

A lifetime has passed

I never knew a body could feel like this from the inside

 

I am dirty

Defiled

Hurting

Alone

Angry and

 

Betrayed

 

Now downstairs,  he pulls me on his lap

Another man is there and they casually chat

They're laughing

 

I'm sick

 

And I think he is too

 

Going home now

I'm back

I'm alive

(I think)

 

It's so cold

 

I work tomorrow

 

I'm going to sleep in

 

 

It cuts me like a knife

How could you pick another rose

The pain of losing you is to great

How dose she come first

I'm in love with your darkness

Then why am I alone

 

Confusion has set in

Were is my beloved

Oh your here but not

Your in your own world

Sad for me, you should be

The pain you both caused, you should be

 

I loved you both and you cut me out, how dare you say you loved me throughout 

I'll be ok in my darkness alone I've been there my whole life, just never thought you'd put me there

Never thought you'd be the one

Thought you were some one else, great and true 

Come to find out your just like hem cold and untrue

I'm done trying to be happy in this world of pain are you happy you caused me to go insane 

We all loved you, but it's not meant to be, so fuck your true love as you have fucked me

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tags:

Quiet

I tried to scribble my confessions on a piece of loose leaf

Last night

But I couldn't help to feel its insignificance

It's muted nature

My soul barking into a muzzle

Like a dog in a kennel

About to be put down

Shocking how quiet our lives

Can be

Churning with silent force like a windmill

But no one ever sees the electricity in our struggle

I thought about calling you but that felt

Just the same

I put the book down and excused myself

For another cigarette

I saw flashes of darker days

Hollow gazing into that thunderous bay

All of their compliments became lies once again

Her playful glances become intrusive advances

Im paralyzed in a dream

Locked in insanity

letting go

Folder: 
touch or click

wearing my emotions on the sleeve
verbalising; no longer the weapon
deeply hurt beyond measure
silence; my loudest voice

I'll serve no more as hindrance
till his empire becomes a success
in tears I'd found solace
building blocks of peace

his anthemized excuses drawl
so much strength he'd taken unknowingly

Author's Notes/Comments: 

it took every broken piece of me to write this. it is my 9th writeup. what do you think of it?

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ashes and dust

 

She had so very much to give-

And all anyone ever did was take.

-Her heart

-Her soul

-Her dreams

-Her trust.

 

Now all she has left

Are hopes.

Hopes

of her ashes

and hopes

Of her dust.