# love # hope # relationships #alone #depression #sad #lonely #pain #tears

Burning embers

Burning embers flicker like fireflies

Aimlessly buzzing the night skies

 

Beautiful hands of flame

Reach out to caress all that is within reach

Intimately embracing tree and shrub

With molten hot arms

 

Kissing flowers and licking grass

With its searing tongue and fiery lips

As it breathes its scorching breath

Of loneliness and desire

Into the noxious smoke filled air

 

Charred remains

Are left smoldering and lifeless

In the wake of a ravenous appetite

For passion and closeness

That it can never feel

 

But greedily engulfing and devouring

Everything in its desire to be held close

Until it has consumed everything

Including the life giving air needed to sustain it

 

Reducing it to a single starving flame

That is finally put out of its misery

By a merciful last breath 

Of a dying wind

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Holes

Verse 1:

Holes in my heart

Become scars of the past.

A scarlet letter

Is what you see.

I count down the days

From losing you.

You're still a bullet in my heart now.

 

Chorus:

With each breath that I take,

I miss you more.

With each passing day,

Not a day goes by

THat I don't think of you.

I hold you close to my heart.

I wonder if you feel the same

 

Verse 2:

Find me here in your arms.

The holes in my heart

Are like bullets.

They will ricochet

Whenever we're apart.

 

Bridge:

Is this what you wanted?

You're my remedy.

For the holes and 

Bullets in my heart.

I feel safe

Whenever we're together.

Forever Alone

Folder: 
Rejection

"He" will never concede to get down on one knee- 
"Alone" has become my destiny 

to be able to feel, I want no more 
all thy vitals shutting down to the very core 

at some point "Him" became "Them" 
needless to say "They" 
devoured my soul as "Their" personal prey 

No longer will I relinquish my soul to thee 
My heart shall close indefinitely 

Long will be forgotten those measly moments of pleasure 
those sensational caresses exploring the depths of my treasure 

so soon comes the "AfterShock" of how my world would shatter 
realizing yet again, I was no more than waste matter 

Everything will be fine, now that I've cut the ties 
I'm prepared to be alone til I reach my demise. 

 

lsr 2016

My Every Day Life

 

Every day life feels painful...barely to none human one on one contact. The usual hi or bye from students. the usual how are you but not really genuine.

who wants to get to know me?

really?

suffering from this loneliness

I feel isolated

I hate being a loner

I want to have friends and go out and do simple stuff like getting together and chatting about nothing in particular

just the warmth of knowing we want to be in each others presence...and not caring that our conversation is lame or trivial.

I want to talk to someone about my deep mental problems

to pray together

read scriptures together

everyday!

Since I left the life of the world

not partying

no doing drugs

or drinking

my friends have vanished

and now I am left with nothing

did I really have anyone to call 'friends' to begin with?

Had I only had God?

Everything and everyone is so fake.

 

when will they be genuine

am I crazy?

do I come off as insane?

why can't I have a normal life

wanting to throw myself in traffic

I longed for death since I was a child

 

how long will I have to be alone?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Suffering always

Instruments of the Passion

She is my queen and I hers,

yet I feel pricked by this thorny crown I so desperately longed for. 

The Small Things

the shit you did for us for money
how could i ever let you feel so unlovely.
i dont even know who that was
im really beginning to notice all of my flaws.
you gave me everything
and in return treated like nothing
but let me attempt to fix that feeling
and help us both do some healing.
the way i feel when you hold my hand
i dont even know where to begin.
The eskimo kissing
something ive really been missing.
the thought of the zit popping and bong hitting
laughing at each other while we're coughing
its all keeps me longing.
the foot rubs
and sitting in bath tubs.
how could you think the little things were unoticable to me
because all these little things i could see.
the nose picking and booger eating was pretty gross
but its something weird that i love most.
so comfortable around me
being the real me.
making me noodles in the dorm room
and now we sleep in seperate rooms.
falling asleep in your arms
babygirl you are my lucky charm.
rubbing my back as i fall asleep
but you next to me is all ill ever need.
stealing the blanket as me sleep close
all the times i painted your toes.
never for anyone else
even if i was girl i wouldnt do it for myself.
waking to your beautiful face
instantly making my heart race.
now i dont even feel safe
like every day my heart gets strafed.
this probably isnt something you want to hear
but i even miss you biting my ear.
i know this is weird
who would have thought we'd be apart
in different directions we've steered
but even still you have complete control of this heart.
holding hands as i drive
we rarely ever said good bye.
and now that youre gone
every moment feels like an old drake song.
shot for me
but without the hostility.
I hate sleeping alone
but fuck getting a new hoe
no place without you even feels like home
damn this shit really has me feeling low.
that new make up you got really adds a glow
should have spent more time watching your shows.
your favorite color isnt pink
but thats what we will let everyone else continue to think.
how about some netflix and chill
but you know thats me being real.
i really should have ate more
treated it more like a chore.
you would go until your sore
but nothing but pleasure for me is what you had in store.
playing with my fingers
the memories still linger.
im starting to cry
but not wishing to die.
hoping to call you mine again
against you ill never sin.
change i promise to prove
because without you sometimes i cant move.
the motivation you instilled
even took care of me the first week when i fell ill.
you think i didnt notice
i just failed to show it.
its killing me inside
and now im feeling like i deserve to die.
forcing you to lie
forcing you to hide.
all becuse you love me
even with how awful i could be.
now im in tears
thinking you even took care of me on new years.
you deserved a special night
instead of us turning out the lights.
the small things i failed to appreciate
and even now for myself i feel nothing but hate.
you didnt deserve to be put through hell again
but you were forced back in.
im sorry i did it
you didnt deserve that any bit.
this shits getting long
and might sound like a bad song.
you dealt with the worst part of me
and now i just want to give you the best i can be.
but instead here i sit and cry
trying to be fine.
but all these feelings on the inside
i just cant seem to hide.
lets get back to you though
remember the name you wrote in your journal?
maybe one day
its name everyone will say?
you walking down the aisle
giving me the biggest smile.
a dream come true
but only if its you.
the most beautiful eyes
i just wish i got more replies.
smoking in the park
sleeping in the car when it got dark.
waiting for 3 a.m.
but even those moments were a gem.
your smile makes all this pain worthwhile
and your blue eyes can be seen for miles.
i dont want to see you with anyone else
but thats something i can only blame on myself.
the first time we held hands
felt like it was truly God's plans.
the first kiss might have been bad
but another chance was quickly to be had.
the first night spent over was truly to be special
you took my whole like to a whole new level.
but now you see me as the devil
and in it all ive truly hit the ground level.
remember the first time we had gin and got drunk
me acting fast when you had thrown up?
took you to the bathroom first
before even worrying about the puke on my shorts.
kissing you even after
as we held each other in the shower.
and i know i focused more on the good than the bad
more on the happy than the sad.
there a too many scars that i left
making you want death
but even with everything we went through
i really do love you
and i just hope one day you'll still say i do.

Slowly Faded Away

Black and white was the day;

where like a shadow, I began to slowly fade away.

Black is the sin that slithered its malevolent way in.

White was the jovial light, which faded away into the shadows of an endless, freezing cold night.

 

Cold and dark were my days and nights,

as unpleasant sounds of laughter echoed off thoughts telling me to give in and just loose the fight.

There was no bright, warm, happines of the sun down in my desolate pit that I made;

the only company I ever kept was misery with a sharp and shiny, glistening blade.

 

Faking a smile everywhere I trapesed;

every passing human always had a hidden second face.

Some showing off their true colors, without any resentment or remorse;

others, however, cowered themselves in the shadows to hide their hearts true course.

 

Once shining bright like an LED high-beam,

the light of the day began to unravel at its seam.

The frail pigment of white soon ceased to exist;

morphing into a dismal snowy cold grey, and filling the void with a mind rendering mist.

Then like the dark angel of the night,

it vanished forever, leaving only a feeling of frozen emptiness and smite.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

depression is a serious mental illness, and it sucks.

poisonous veins and coffee stains

Folder: 
polarized idiot

I dreampt us up late one night.

perfecting your features in my sleep.

softening the words left out of sight,

making valid this shallow leap

      ..of faith

      ..of lust

      of pure star dust.

the planets align for you, my love.

 

like a snake in a cage

you escaped in a second.

you toy with my rage

until your master beckons.

 

she is tall and bitter

with hair dark as depression.

no wonder you follow her.

she is a picture of perfection.

 

yet here i am, dreaming

of the times spent in bed.

where you had me believing

it wasn't all in my head.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

you are poison in my veins. you are all the coffee stains.

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will i see you again?

Will i ever see you again?

My eyes are weary with my face pale,

and my heart went faint.

The soundless barks have ripped me to pieces,

soared my eyes and cracked all hope,

and i wonder if i will ever see you again?

 

Look at me if you can, and watch me fight for your last breathe,

like a knight defending, the palace. I already feel

like a walking corpse because your silence

has created a puncture between us and i feel

sad and hopeless.

 

The day i ever see you again, i will be filled with

great joy and my soar eyes will weep out the

loneliness i have been feeling all the time you

have been away.

i will then embrace you and never let you go again

because i will hold you forever if i can.

But i still wonder whether i will ever see you again?