dream

Secrets in the sand

knowing you the way I got to, helped me really appreciate the rain pouring down, & to look past the clouds.. 

I never felt one with the sand until you touched my hand.. even the fireworks weren't ever as breath-taking.. 

you to me, were like a piece of breathing earth, with eyes, & ears.. a heart.. but too many fears.. 

I can't say you have much more then me, though.. & it doesn't matter which one of us is less flawed..

 

I wish I could fly away to a paradise, somewhere i'll finally have all the closure I need... for everything..

I feel like I have to fight with myself everyday.. battle of self esteem, hopes, dreams, disappointments, needs.. 

I battle to stay awake, & I battle to fall asleep.. 

 

wherever did the peace go? whatever happened to the flow...

I got lost in the forest of my mind, trying to become free..

but more then a few of these deeply rooted trees have collapsed & fallen on top of me..

scratching at the dirt, gripping at the grass.. I can't breathe..

 

is love just as much baggage as hate..? because they both seem to feel equally heavy..

maybe inside i'm just overweight.. 

maybe that's what i've been seeing.. 

how can I work from the inside, out..? 

how can I prevent these ups & downs..? 

do you even know..? I didn't think so..

it's all up to me.

 

learn to appreciate the rain... even if it's drenching you in pain..

i'll always be your secret.. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2.27.13

From Dream to Dream

you have nothing to offer, is all she said
nothing to give, and nothing to love for
a shadow of what she used to see, an image
that cannot brake free, let it stay away from me
don’t haunt me, is what she pleads to the sea
twist and shout, why must it linger within
every doubt, every corner, every lonesome moment
such a vast world, but i see you, only you, always you
you’re that creature that keeps a hold on me
forever a struggle, telling me to fight for thee
sunrise wont come when your names forgotten, a guarantee
this fairytale concludes in our collapse from dust to ashes
don’t want to recall the misery, yet cant escape the flashes
Its a mystery how you wont fade, leaves me ever afraid
we can seek the will to see upon the world unclouded
Its not about what they say is best, or what is right
cannot be true if you listen to someone who is not you
promise you wont be deceiving, don’t put up a wall for them all
we were meant to always rise, to save a life, even if once more we take a fall
there’s no time to hold, be brave, that’s what they told
even if this is our end, don’t sway, I’m always yours, we’ll transcend
happiness comes unexpected when we forget to worry, we just do, so smile and be you
care for them all, the sad and lonely, present and past
they change us, for better and yet sometimes for worse
wont forget their souls, we carry parts of them, will we ever be whole
but remember to not lose sight of who you really are
hope you’ll always stay a shooting star

e.a.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Any constructive criticism would be welcome :)

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ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 17

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ThoughtShock

Chapter Seventeen
'As The Echo Fades'
Part; 2

“Step into my shattered world.”

“Listen unto me the voice of chaos, wrecking havoc until all hope is lost. There is no salvation within the mind of the wicked, no redemption for the sickest. Depravity seeps into our moral fiber, where the insanity of it all is the poison to the cure.”

Smoke rose from the revolver as I held it. Standing to my feet I looked down at the lifeless corpse of my twin then towards the empty gun as I tossed it in Sin's lap. I was just about to turn and leave when I stopped once more looking down at the china tray on the table. “What the hell.” I thought as I reached down grabbing a handful of those neon green capsules.

I was roaming the streets at night like a drug fueled junkie. Prowling the back alleyways and hoping fences, I was searching and scouring for answers. I turned a corner and there before me stood a giant beast as its glowing red eyes pierced my soul. I watched in awe as blood dripped from it's massive razor sharp teeth. Why was I not in fear? It charged at me, I heard the shot as the bullet buzzed right by my ear. Driven simply by reaction I jumped to the side as I watched the bullet land perfectly between the beast's eyes. It crashed towards the ground dead on impact as I stood to my feet once more. My eyes moved from the dead creature's body on down the dark alleyway. As if it were not cliche enough, steam rose from the grates that lead to the sewers. Not taking my eyes off the creepy alley I reached down into my pocket producing one of the capsules as I quickly tossed it in my mouth. That is when I heard the footsteps echoing off the buildings as I saw a shadow slowly moving towards me.

“Wash away your guilt with ignorance.
Genocide before your eyes yet still don't believe it.
I want to escape your madness,
preaching peace through war.
Your democracy forged, at the tip of your sword.”

'How far we have fallen from the land of paradise'. As the shadow moved closer I was able to make him out. Once again I was face to face with my own reflection. Only this one introduced himself as Greed. I laughed when I heard this of course as my doppelganger before me was wearing a black suit and tie. His sleek hair neatly combed back and tied off into a ponytail.

“That is a good one” I laughed as I reached into my pocket producing another pill and without a second thought, swallowed it. He simply smiled as he reached into his vest's inner pocket and before I realized what was happening he pulled out the same gun he used only moments before to kill the beast. Pointing it at me he squeezed the trigger with no hesitation. The bullet ripped through my shoulder causing me to fly back a good few feet landing directly on my back. I screamed by sheer reflex, as my body quickly began working on sending the pain impulses to my brain. Grabbing my shoulder I began putting pressure on the wound.
“You know what?” Greed had asked as he walked up towards me, tapping the barrel of the gun against his head. “That was a good one” This time he laughed as he pointed the gun down at me again and squeezed the trigger once more. A loud pop echoed once more throughout the buildings, this bullet tore through my left thigh. Instinctively I had reached down putting my hand over the bloody hole. “What the fuck man!” I shouted up at him as I watched him circle me now like a wolf. “Why.” Was all that I had managed to choke out before the pain seized my voice.
Greed finally stopped circling me, as he only smiled down at me. “Because I can?” He chuckled as he raised the gun once more taking aim, this time at my head.
I thought for sure I was a goner. He had me dead to rights, but luck was with me this night or was it? I had closed my eyes for my final seconds on this planet but when I heard the sounds of more footsteps running towards me I quickly opened my eyes just in time to see the end of a machete slice clean through the head of Greed. I inhaled sharply by the sudden change of events catching me off guard.

Greed's body collapsed to the ground as Lust stood behind him. She was wiping the blood from her machete with a rag as I looked up at her blankly. Shortly after that I remembered that I had been shot, not once but twice. I griped the wounds tight to try and keep the blood loss down. I was slipping in and out of consciousness as fragments of time passed by me. One second Desire was kneeling down over me, the next she was standing talking with Lust. I can remember being moved, lifted by them and someone else as I found myself in the back of a car.

“Don't worry love, we will get you to the hospital” I heard Desire's soft voice as I felt her hands holding rags to my wounds. “Should just let his stupid ass die in the streets.” A strange deep voice boomed over the roar of the car's engine. I was too distracted to care, as I fought with my own clothes reaching for my pocket. “My pocket” I had choked out while pointing at it. Desire calmly reached into my pocket pulling out a small neon green capsule. She held it between her thumb and finger as she looked down at me. “Do you really think now is a good time to be taking these?”

I reached up and snatched it out of her fingers quickly swallowing it as I laid back down in the back seat. “Don't you dare fucking lecture me, bitch.” Lust was having none of it. She slammed her foot down on the breaks as the car came to screeching halt. She turned around in her seat and proceeded to slap me hard across the face. The impact and the loss of blood combined with the pill had caused me to finally black out and lose consciousness. At the same time Lust was verbally lashing out at me for disrespecting her little sister.

'I was sure that this nightmare would be over by now. That I would wake back up in my own bed. As I would chalk it up to bad drugs and cheap horror movies. Had I lost my mind? Was I really just in a coma, in some hospital I never even heard of? That this reality is just an illusion from the another dream? I mean seriously who sees a walking and talking reflection of themselves? Not to mention some kind of giant ravenous wildebeest who just happens to be strolling through the city streets at night. I should have shot myself back at those strange apartments. Oh wait, I did. Only then to get shot by another clone. I am starting to notice a pattern trending, as these pills have me twisted.'

My eyes opened as I stared up at the hospital ceiling. I was numb, no pain. My arms covered by the blankets I slowly moved my hand from my side towards my thigh. I felt the bandage that was covering the bullet wound. It took a little while for my chemically sedated brain to put together that I was still delusional. I quickly shot up from the bed. Sitting there taking my time as I surveyed my surroundings. Lust and Desire were sitting by the window to my room that was next to the door. When I turned my head straight I noticed the television hanging in the corner, it was muted playing some cheesy sitcom.
“Good morning sunshine.” A strange voice boomed over the whispers and giggles of the women. I let out a soft sigh as I knew my 'peace' was over. The morphine pumping into my body is powerful but not as strong as I knew the let down of the figure behind this voice. Deep down I knew it was another clone, but who this time? Another emotion? Perhaps this time it's Humility or just maybe Gluttony. Yeah that would be appropriate.
“If you are wondering” He said as he slowly stood up from the chair that was hiding off in the shadows. “I am Envy” He spoke slowly walking towards me. Yup another doppelganger, wearing my face. He placed his hand on the railing of my bed as he walked, his fingers were covered in rings. Platinum, gold, gems, and obviously over compensating for something. He turned his head towards the girls. “Would you lovely ladies, give me and my friend here a moment?”

They looked at each other then back towards Envy. Giggling as they stood up and casually or more so flauntingly exited out the door, closing it behind them.
As soon as they left the room he turned his head back towards me only to see my hand lash out at him. I wrapped my fingers tightly around his skinny neck. My skinny neck. Doped out I still managed to find the strength to bring him down as he fell on my bed, giving me extra leverage over him as he choked and started struggling. “How many more of you motherfuckers am I going to have to kill!” I shouted at him. Fury behind my eyes as I just wanted to see this abomination dead.
He desperately lashed out, then reached over grabbing my thigh pressing his thumb deep into my wound causing the stitches to tear. I screamed out in pain that the morphine could not kill, as I instinctively let go of his neck reaching for my leg. Envy dropped like a sack of potatoes to the floor beside my bed as he gasped for air.
“I came to warn you dickhead!” he tried shouting out as he rubbed his neck still panting heavily. “There is someone big, on his way to see you.” He climbed to his feet using the bed as a prop. Once to his feet he decided to take the opportunity of having the advantage over me as he punched me hard in the jaw causing me to fly out of the bed landing on the floor myself.
Stretching as he made his way around the bed to where I was laying on the floor. “I was just gonna give you the message, and then be on my way.” I got on my right knee trying to keep pressure off my left, when he suddenly without warning kicked me hard in the gut causing me to flip over on my back. I held my shoulder as I grunted in pain.
“So what, now you decide to kick my ass?” Giving him a shitty grin to hide the fact that I was indeed scared. I had no tactical advantage here. Envy laughed as he climbed on top of me, grabbing the front of my hospital gown pulling me up closer to him. I could see his eyes clear as day now hallow and empty. He whispered into my ear before he proceeded to use my face as his punching bag. “What makes you so special to get the girls?” He stopped hitting me after about the tenth time. His fist was covered in my blood but it was what I did next that not only caught him off guard but myself as well. He did not know what to make of me when I started laughing at him.

“Why are you laughing?” He proceeded to shake me in his frustration. “You are beating the shit out of me because you are jealous that I have two smoking hot bitches at my side? You are a moron.” I chuckled as I turned my head to the side spitting out the blood that started pooling in my mouth then turning my head back towards my assailant. “Look you can have them if you think you can get them, I don't own them. Hell I am starting to think they are nothing but trouble anyway.” This actually pissed him off even more as he decided that my face was not messed up enough, he went to town once more. My eyes closed as I heard bones snapping in my ears and I could actually remember feeling the blood running down my ears.

It was quiet now. I had blacked out from the beating I had received. Hell have no fury like your own envy. I could hear footsteps and whispers around me. My eyes were swollen but I opened them. Everything was out of focus, blurry as I managed to see shadows and blobs. Two figures were pacing back and forth at the foot of my bed.
I groaned as I turned my head, the pain was almost unbearable. My eyes started focusing, I could make out the dead body of my alter ego. Envy laid headless on the floor as I heard Lust's voice break the still air. “Sleeping beauty wakes” They both made their way over to my bed each sitting on opposite sides of the bed. I could feel Desire's soft hands touching gently at my face. “Your handy work I take it Lust?” Turning my head just a bit towards the direction of the decapitated clone on the floor. “So you would rather me let him turn your face into ground hamburger?” She smirked as she stood up stretching. She grabbed her jacket from the back of the chair, she carefully stepped over the corpse. “I'm going to run down to the cafeteria, see if I can't get us anything to eat sis.” She walked over to her sister leaning down kissing her. It was when she held the kiss that threw off the first flag in my head. Lust disappeared out the door once again closing it behind her. When I heard the door lock the second red flag shot off. Much like before, I was locked in the room with Desire. Who like before wasted no time before she spun around and carefully climbed on top of me. Easing herself down, she carefully straddled me as to not bump the wounds. I could see the devil herself grinning down at me. What fate was I sealed to now?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 17 "As The Echo Fades"

Well I know in my first post, I said this was only a two part short story. I found while writing it however that was just not the case. The deeper I dove into this piece the more I was compelled to express. So I have decided to make this short story a three parter!! So stay tuned for the next installment of "As the echo fades"

hmmm I wonder though, how would someone even prolouge this short story its just full of craziness!! hahaha

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ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 16

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ThoughtShock

Chapter Sixteen
'As The Echo Fades'
Part; 1

“It's the bittersweet taste of defeat”

She gracefully walked towards me after entering into the room. She came bearing gifts. It was a peace offering from the fallout from the night before. She offered up a cocktail of tasty treats for me to take my pick from. Setting it before me, the china tray used to carry the rainbow platter. I swear it must have came straight from 'George Jung's' own private stash. She smiled coyly at me as she straightened her posture. Lust's eyes trailed up and down my body as I sat back in the chair. “If I had not known any better.” I thought as I glanced around the room catching a glimpse of Lust's little sister, Desire giving me a rather creepy wink.

As if this whole entire experience could not get any more strange. In walks Sin. Slowly he makes his way to the table taking a seat straight across from me. I am at a loss for words, my mind spinning with disbelief, unable to formulate a single coherent thought. Now sitting before me, like staring into a mirror was the very reflection of myself. He began to pick at the China tray sitting on the table. Sorting, separating, the goodies. It was a bad acid trip, yet I am the only one here who has not been taking from the candy jar. “How” would be the last rational thought to cross my mind this night.

My doppelganger looked up from the tray and in short simple words. 'Are you ready?' Identical to my own voice. All I could do to respond was slowly nod my head up and down. That is when he reached out towards me and in his fingers rested a small neon green capsule.
“Was I dead already?” As I took the pill from my clone before me. Once it was in my possession, Sin stood to his feet. Clapping his hands together, without warning causing me to jump in my seat.

I held the pill gently between my thumb and forefinger. Unsure of which bothered me the most, this strange cocktail in my hand or the fact I was seeing myself in a third person. “Had I lost my mind already?” I watched as Sin walked towards the women, leaning down to whisper into both Lust and Desire as they each started grinning.
“What the hell”. Was the thought to cross my mind as I chugged the neon green capsule down my gullet. 'We play the role of the fool' The affects were almost instant. My eye lids grew heavy, struggling to keep them open, to remain focused. It was then that I saw it {that void beyond my own eyes}.

I stirred about under the warm covers as sweat beaded down my face. The sheets were soaked as I shot up awake in a violent burst. As my eyes began to focus it was then that I had noticed Desire sitting on the edge of the bed. She was quiet, and she was ever so beautiful. It was that 'elusive' beauty she masterfully obtained. That dream you can feel only just cannot reach for, with a hint of innocents behind those cruel eyes.
“What had I taken”? I managed to choke out from the desert that was my mouth. Before she could reply the door of the bedroom bursts open as Lust storms in. Fury behind her eyes as she snatched up Desire from the bed. Jumping to my feet, I was quickly stopped by my doppelganger who happened to enter into the room behind Lust. Only since being this close I managed to make out a few differences. His face was aged far more than my own. The life or hope in my reflection's eyes was almost gone, a fading gleam. Was this me? Was this to be me? No rational thought could cross my mind.

Just as I was about to confront this 'Sin', the lights in the room flickered for a moment, seconds later they went out completely. It was then that I heard a strange voice whispering in my ear yet nobody was close enough to me, I felt no breath on my neck, no body close to my own. Just the whispers as I could not even make out what it was even saying. As the door opened once more revealing a little light, I followed as Sin, Lust, and Desire made their way out of the room, holding my head.


“I am not insane.”
“I am not insane.”
“I am not insane.”

“I am losing my fucking mind”.
Once out in the hallway, I quickly dashed for the emergency stairs and it happened just as I heard the girls call out my name. My footing gave way, the step itself shifted. Congealed by my own contact. Tumbling down the massive steps as each one reconfigured itself as I landed onto it. Finally hitting a small landing way, sliding to the wall causing me to stop.
Lust and Desire quickly ran towards me, checking to make sure I was not seriously injured. I struggled to remain conscious as the pain in my head grew worse and worse. Looking around trying to focus. My eyes locked in the eyes of Desire and for a split second, I had felt a sense of sadness. I laid my head back down on the cold floor waiting for the darkness to come, to wash over me. Deep down I felt like I deserved to meet my reaper.


~*~

I have dreamed, I have manifested.

“One. Click, Click.
Two. Click, Click.
Three. Click, Click, Snap!”

I wont beg for your forgiveness.
On my knees, I must have asked for this.
My suicidal mission, becoming my final inscription.

“Four. Five. Six.
Just. One. More. Click.
Then my reaper will no longer wait,
my soul he will get to take.
Death fills the air this night,
Playing in the shadows
of what is wrong, what is right.”
~*~

I woke in a small room. Different then the last. The moldy wallpaper was torn in several places. Patched over holes as few candles illuminated the dark corners of the room. Lust looked up from her book as she lounged in a cheap foldout chair. She was wearing a see through purple gown, a tease for it revealed more for the imagination then anything.
She stretched in the chair as she closed her book laying it over her stomach. Watching as the hem of her gown rose slowly up her smooth legs. She spun in her chair facing me, putting her hand between her legs as the palm of her hand placed firmly on the seat of the chair. I quickly blinked and focused back towards her eyes as she was now grinning at me. “Whats the matter my dear?” her voice was seductive, she was preying on my weakness.

“Did you hear the whispers?” My voice was a bit shaky as I watched her slowly sway her legs from side to side. She stopped only long enough to give me a weird look. “Here, these will help you relax.” She had handed me two more of those neon green capsules. Reaching around to the other side of the chair she grabbed a water bottle. Also handing it to me.
“What are these?” I asked as I rolled one of the capsules between my finger and thumb. Lust quietly laughed to herself as she slowly stood to her feet. Leaning in she softly whispered into my ear, feeling her warm breath on my neck as she spoke. “It my love, is whatever you wish it to be.” With that she stood back up, turning towards the door she gracefully made her way to it swaying her hips in the process. She stopped when she had made it to the door “I will send Desire up in a little bit to check on you.” Her voice was calm, and soothing yet it felt like she was hiding something. Turning around she disappeared out the door closing it behind her. Then I heard it, the deadbolt latched form the other side.

I laid down in the old bed, with sheets that seemed to have not been used in years. As I took note of the room once more, I noticed old pictures hanging from the walls. Taking a deep breath and placed both capsules on my tongue, closing my mouth I quickly swallowed. It did not take long before my eyes started to feel heavy. My body becoming more and more relaxed, I started drifting in and out of sleep. I could remember hearing the latch on the door being unlocked.

I heard the creaking of the door as it opened and closed. Then once more it was locked. I could not muster up the desire to get up and see who it was. I remember hearing the soft footsteps as they got closer and closer to my bed. I could also remember the scent of distant roses, only I could not find motivation to turn my head. I just laid there as she slowly climbed into bed with me. When her skin made contact with mine, it sent an electrical shock through my entire system. She carefully straddled me as I felt her warm breath on my lips.
As I opened my eyes, Desire had placed her lips to mine as she kissed me deeply. Feeling her tongue dance about with my own. Her hands found their way to my head as she entangled her fingers within my hair. Slowly she lifted herself up only come back down grinding herself into me and every second that passed the more I could not fight her charms, her seduction. I gave in as I reached up for her. I was going to set claim to Desire.
In my distraction I was not aware that Lust was standing off in the shadows, watching and plotting. What plan was she conjuring up? I would never know, for my thoughts and intentions were lost to that of Sin's.

When I woke from my groggy state I was not even sure exactly what had happened. My clothes were thrown about the small room and on the pillow next to my head laid a black rose. Desire had left me that night. No words were ever exchanged, just that rose as the black petals spoke the story itself.
I made my way to the main living room. There was no one, just another trashed room. In the middle of the room sat the table and two chairs, on the table rested the china tray and on the tray was a gun along with an assortment of different types of pills.

Sitting down in one of the chairs, I slowly reached out and picked up the gun staring at the narcotics on the tray. “Go on.” I jumped, startled from the sudden voice. Sitting straight across from me was none other than Sin. He was smiling, more like a wicked grin as he spoke again “Pull the trigger” He reached over towards the tray picking up a pill, popping it into his mouth. Chewing it with a smug grin as he continued “Go on, we both know it's what you want.”
Without thinking I lifted the gun, pointed it directly at Sin and pulled the trigger. “As the echo fades, I am left just to decay.”

Author's Notes/Comments: 

ThoughtShock Chapter 16 "As the Echo Fades"

This is a Two part series, a creative short story based on a very sensitive topic for me. I have been battling a few addictions off and on for well over ten years and everytime I try and write about it or any "addiction" really for that matter weather it is just a poem or even a creative piece they all seem to fall short, I can never truly capture that muse and I fear I may never will for I find it extremly hard to glorify something so destructive. Anyway This is chapter 16, part two will be chapter 17 and I do hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think.

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Chapter 1: Reverie

l

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A Mindful Dream

 

 

 

Thoughts on a cloud- drifting far away,
tomorrow resumes, leaving yesterday behind.
Wandering past the shadows in wait,
lighten their tinges to shades inclined.

Traverse a course given over to dark,
imagine scenes that shallowness can't see.
Awaken with a sun filled with new hope,
turmoil to end, with morning's decree.

Dream the innocence - lost with heartache's weep,
bringing comfort to sorrows shed in vain.
Account for the many resigned to ends,
lives that succumbed in crimson's reign.

Tears for blood, assign judgments to fault,
a reckoning restores hearts to their home.
Numbers without count- to rise again,
lightening tinges in the dreams they'll roam.

Wars through the ages, erased from time,
hands of destruction placed to each one's side.
Forthright the many, ceases ire of might,
voices in the lands heard far and wide.

As spoken by prophets - love all as your own,
look to the heavens, embracing what's right.
Spare mothers the woe from loss of a child,
keep them with blessings in prayers at night.

Thoughts on a cloud- till we find our way,
tomorrow that comes, leaves all trials behind.
Share tranquil visions inside your thoughts,
reaching out - take every hand you find.
© C.E.Vance

 

 

 

 

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True to Me

Folder: 
Just For Fun

Walking on a dream
A bridge from reality
An escape from normality
That’s where I want to be

Sleeping on a moon beam
No-one else is just like me
The only way I can be free
Is to escape from my humanity

Feelings in a ream
Confused but sure actually
Life is unreality
Because I’m true to me

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I am

I am the warrior reflexes quick almost psychic, body trained in endurance creating a temperance that makes the mind seem irrelevant, a world where instinct is prevalent.
I am the poet mind sharp creating words lyrically pleasing as a harp. A mind where neurons fire creating metaphors that transcend the metaphysical bringing the mind to the brink being lyrically critical.
I am the runner on the track running lap after lap, trying not to gasp as I attempt to pass everyone in the class.
I am the conscious being of relevant society changing the way I see reality day by day, cause when in I look in the mirror I see perfection because I see my souls reflection.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I hope you enjoy.

Fire of the mind.

I sit here with a fire in my mind dampened by the sight of my eyes. The realization of the utter desperation of the times.

I strain under the stress a constant pest trying to undermine me at my best.

I wish I could have a chance to rest but what if this is some final test?

I continue fighting, writing and striding towards that goal, that seems so distant.

I picture it as magnificent, a job, a stable life, with a little less strife.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I took a long break from writing this is my first poem since being back at it.