I tried to change
I tried to gain your approval
Tried to bring back the smile you had when we first met
and the fire that kept us alive for hours in dark heavens
I tried to turn back time and find my purity
Bowed down and prayed to the Divine
Burned my Nietzsche books
and turned to your Ignatian rules
Climbed the thousand steps of El Salvador
on my knees
Lit two candles in San Pedro Church
and prayed
Abstained myself from Rand and Marx
Silenced the waves of the seas
inside my soul,
the loud beating of my dying heart,
the whispers of the cold wind
Dressed black on Friday nights
Slapped my cheeks with verses
of my sins
Recited the rites of holiness
to conjure your love
Dried up my eyes from hellish cries...
I swallowed you
Your blood, flesh, and tears
Like a sacrament, I welcomed it all —
even the dark clouds that moved
around you
Didn't I hear the heavens and saw
the angels in you?
Still, my demons are here to stay and say,
Why am I still not enough for you?
How can be enough for you?
A single kiss of goodbye with false intention
How you played me like a fool
Making me believe in such pseudo-factions
All for this betrayal of avarice
Allowing me to be swallowed by the beast
Do you enjoy seeing people suffer?
Obviously using others as a mere tool
Gaining something that’s wrongly yours
Using nepotism as your weapon
Calibrating your next move on the board
Retaliation is in repetition!
Your ultimate demise will come!
Perish with your filthy lies and die!
Prepare yourself, demeaning nepotistic!
Become Satan’s bitch and be sodomized!
Like a cockroach, you roll back and forth
Doing the meaningless shit in repeat
You can’t be saved by other insects you killed
You have already slain your brothers
You savagely raped your sisters
No one will help you
Your true visage has shown
Why do you insist on living?
Why don’t you just give up already?
The beast is wanting to fuck you badly
Let the miasma consume you
The void will assist your reluctance to go
Prepare yourself, the beast thirsts to lust
Demoting you to nothing more than a toy
You will continue being fucked by the beast
The arousal you once had is now gone
The beast has taken your pain into pleasure
As you suffer from the penetration
The beast is lusting to release his seed inside
You will become barren and rendered unless
Be happy for your faults!
A toast to your achievements of lies!
A kiss for your despair!
It's the first Thursday of the month, and I'm standing in line, waiting for the nun to walk us across the schoolyard over to the church to confession. I am in fouth grade.
Sister: "Where is your beanie?"
Me: "Sister, I forgot it."
(Truth is, sister, I can't remember any sins to tell the priest today).
Sister: "Well, go get one of the extras from the box in the coat room."
Me: "Yes, sister."
(And for sure it's going to be either huge or so small it will fall off my head).
We get to church and now we are lined up on either side against the walls of the building. The entire fourth grade, two classes, one class on one side and one class on the other side, waiting our turns to go into the 4x4 pitch black room, where we will tell the priest all of the sins we committed that month.
Of course we get scolded at least once by the nun for chit-chatting as we wait in line. The thought goes through our heads, "Now, is that a sin?"
It's my turn and I enter the small room and feel about for the wall so I can find the kneeler and wait for the priest to open his little 'window'. In the interim, I can hear his muffled voice talking to the child in the booth on the side opposite to where I am kneeling. I can not hear the words, only a muffled sound that causes me to feel a bit anxious, for what reason, I have no clue. The whole thing is very strange to me every time I used to go, and as the years pass by, I find it even more strange.
Finally, the window opens, and light from his small cubicle where he sits shines into the small area where I have been waiting. Thinking about that alone, now an adult, explains the power they have over people for many years.
Priest: "Yes, child."
(Oh, thank God---I was wondering what in the hell that kid must have done. It was taking you forever, father.)
Me: "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins:...."
(Oh sh*t, this is the part I hate. What in the hell am I supposed to say? I don't mean to sound full of myself, but Jesus Christ!! I haven't done anything wrong this month!)
Priest: "Yes, child, you can speak---tell me your sins."
Me: "Um, I took the Lord's name in vain, father---well, not exactly but I thought the Lord's name in vain."
(Yea, just a minute ago--it's your fault too, for making me so damn nervous).
Priest: "Yes, child, that is a sin. What else?"
(Oh, man.... I better think of something fast.)
Me: "I told a lie, father,"
(Just now... f*ck!)
Priest: Yes, lying is not what Jesus wants for you, child. Who did you lie to? Your mother? Your father?
(Whew!! Thanks for saving me on that one, father!)
Me: "My father, but I also cursed someone---well, it was in my mind, father---I didn't really say it."
(*Sinister grin* Ok...I got this one...cool.)
Priest: "What was the curse word, child?"
(OMG, how embarrassing. Now I have to say the f bomb to a priest.)
Me: "Well, father, it was the word .... um...F*CK."
(Oh SH*T!!! I can't believe this! He is making a sinner out of me, and I was pure and holy when I walked in this room today!! God dam* this SOB!)
Priest: "Child! Where did you learn this word? Do you know what this word means?"
(Oh no. Now we have to have an interrogation because i'm trying to be honest with this sucker...no way. I 'm not goin' here with him).
Me: "I forget where I learned it, father, I forget what it means. I heard it from an eighth grader waiting for the bus."
(Blame everything on the eighth graders when you're a fourth grader---it works! Now I'm really going to hell, cause that was a big fat lie, but holy sh*t--I can't talk to him about this stuff. The whole building could crumble!! Not only that, he's making this worse and worse, and I'm afraid of the dark to begin with.)
Priest: "Is that all child?"
(Is that ALL? You made a freakin' mountain out of molehill, dude!!)
Me: "Yes father. Well, give or take a couple more curse words."
Priest : "Ok child." (*mumbles some mumbo jumbo for about a 2 minutes while I sit humbly awaiting his absolution*) "For your pennance, you must say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers---and God Bless you".
(At least he could have some suckers or a free movie ticket or something---that's all I get?)
I leave the confessional and go kneel up at the altar of the church to say my pennance, and while I do all the kids get scolded a few more times for chit-chatting, as we are comparing pennances....of which most often, everyone's is the same thing.
I don't know how I ever made it to where I am today in my spirituality, but apparently, overall, it must have done something good for me. Just very funny to think back on.
12:22 AM 6/30/2013 ©
.......
Last night I dreamt about you.
you were here, and you loved me too.
I looked inside your big blue eyes,
and you cracked a smile and forgot all my lies.
I’m on a planet with a golden kiss
It shimmers with glory, such bliss!
As I zoom in, it turns into a dark land
Peep in, I’m afraid, I cannot stand!
In darkness, I see a bright glowing tower
Inside, a plethora of so called ‘man’ power
Zoom in; I see ‘beast’ kind disguised as ‘man’ kind
Alas! Not a single kind beast could I find
I hear roars of uncivilized beings
And moans of so-called weaklings
I see a trail of emotional turmoil
Those 7 deadly sins wrapped in a dazzling foil
Gifted to humanity, his power, his grey matter
It separates humans from animals and allows us to shatter
The once created planet with a golden kiss
Will it ever show the signs of holy bliss?
I march forth into life itself
I walk to the line to cross myself
I leave all behind
To conquer emptiness of lost time
All these years you look back to see what could be
Some would give anything to rearrange
But to alter one thing I would change
All that is me.
The things that you regret
Make you who you are, so don't fret.
For one simple thing of past changed even a little hair,
Life could be much worse for wear.
~~)(~~
“The Search”
He creeps up to my bed
waiting for my death,
of my last breath
he reaches in and takes what he wants
then with my soul he taunts
knowing that I am damned
I search north and south of these lands
for my humanity, knowing I look to be a monster
I don't care much for vanity,
I don't carry much just my sanity
not to mention just my bare,
as people tend to mock and stare
that didn't bother me much.
My soul became more and more hopeless
my head seems so empty and alone
finally I lay a wreck across my head
Knowing that I am dead
"Death is the only way out!"