PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I tried to change

I tried to gain your approval

Tried to bring back the smile you had when we first met

and the fire that kept us alive for hours in dark heavens

I tried to turn back time and find my purity

Bowed down and prayed to the Divine

Burned my Nietzsche books

and turned to your Ignatian rules

Climbed the thousand steps of El Salvador

on my knees

Lit two candles in San Pedro Church

and prayed

Abstained myself from Rand and Marx

Silenced the waves of the seas

inside my soul,

the loud beating of my dying heart,

the whispers of the cold wind

Dressed black on Friday nights

Slapped my cheeks with verses

of my sins

Recited the rites of holiness 

to conjure your love

Dried up my eyes from hellish cries...

I swallowed you

Your blood, flesh, and tears

Like a sacrament, I welcomed it all —

even the dark clouds that moved 

around you

Didn't I hear the heavens and saw

the angels in you?

Still, my demons are here to stay and say,

Why am I still not enough for you?

How can be enough for you?

A single kiss of goodbye with false intention

How you played me like a fool

Making me believe in such pseudo-factions

All for this betrayal of avarice

Allowing me to be swallowed by the beast

Do you enjoy seeing people suffer?

Obviously using others as a mere tool

Gaining something that’s wrongly yours

Using nepotism as your weapon

Calibrating your next move on the board

Retaliation is in repetition!

Your ultimate demise will come!

Perish with your filthy lies and die!

Prepare yourself, demeaning nepotistic!

Become Satan’s bitch and be sodomized!

Like a cockroach, you roll back and forth

Doing the meaningless shit in repeat

You can’t be saved by other insects you killed

You have already slain your brothers

You savagely raped your sisters

No one will help you

Your true visage has shown

Why do you insist on living?

Why don’t you just give up already?

The beast is wanting to fuck you badly

Let the miasma consume you

The void will assist your reluctance to go

Prepare yourself, the beast thirsts to lust

Demoting you to nothing more than a toy

You will continue being fucked by the beast

The arousal you once had is now gone

The beast has taken your pain into pleasure

As you suffer from the penetration

The beast is lusting to release his seed inside

You will become barren and rendered unless

Be happy for your faults!

A toast to your achievements of lies!

A kiss for your despair!

It's the first Thursday of the month, and I'm standing in line, waiting for the nun to walk us across the schoolyard over to the church to confession. I am in fouth grade.

Sister: "Where is your beanie?"

Me: "Sister, I forgot it."

(Truth is, sister, I can't remember any sins to tell the priest today).

Sister: "Well, go get one of the extras from the box in the coat room."

Me: "Yes, sister."

(And for sure it's going to be either huge or so small it will fall off my head).

We get to church and now we are lined up on either side against the walls of the building. The entire fourth grade, two classes, one class on one side and one class on the other side, waiting our turns to go into the 4x4 pitch black room, where we will tell the priest all of the sins we committed that month.

Of course we get scolded at least once by the nun for chit-chatting as we wait in line. The thought goes through our heads, "Now, is that a sin?"

It's my turn and I enter the small room and feel about for the wall so I can find the kneeler and wait for the priest to open his little 'window'. In the interim, I can hear his muffled voice talking to the child in the booth on the side opposite to where I am kneeling. I can not hear the words, only a muffled sound that causes me to feel a bit anxious, for what reason, I have no clue. The whole thing is very strange to me every time I used to go, and as the years pass by, I find it even more strange.

Finally, the window opens, and light from his small cubicle where he sits shines into the small area where I have been waiting. Thinking about that alone, now an adult, explains the power they have over people for many years.

Priest: "Yes, child."

(Oh, thank God---I was wondering what in the hell that kid must have done. It was taking you forever, father.)

Me: "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins:...."

(Oh sh*t, this is the part I hate. What in the hell am I supposed to say? I don't mean to sound full of myself, but Jesus Christ!! I haven't done anything wrong this month!)

Priest: "Yes, child, you can speak---tell me your sins."

Me: "Um, I took the Lord's name in vain, father---well, not exactly but I thought the Lord's name in vain."

(Yea, just a minute ago--it's your fault too, for making me so damn nervous).

Priest: "Yes, child, that is a sin. What else?"

(Oh, man.... I better think of something fast.)

Me: "I told a lie, father,"

(Just now... f*ck!)

Priest: Yes, lying is not what Jesus wants for you, child. Who did you lie to? Your mother? Your father?

(Whew!! Thanks for saving me on that one, father!)

Me: "My father, but I also cursed someone---well, it was in my mind, father---I didn't really say it."

(*Sinister grin* Ok...I got this one...cool.)

Priest: "What was the curse word, child?"

(OMG, how embarrassing. Now I have to say the f bomb to a priest.)

Me: "Well, father, it was the word .... um...F*CK."

(Oh SH*T!!! I can't believe this! He is making a sinner out of me, and I was pure and holy when I walked in this room today!! God dam* this SOB!)

Priest: "Child! Where did you learn this word? Do you know what this word means?"

(Oh no. Now we have to have an interrogation because i'm trying to be honest with this sucker...no way. I 'm not goin' here with him).

Me: "I forget where I learned it, father,  I forget what it means. I heard it from an eighth grader waiting for the bus."

(Blame everything on the eighth graders when you're a fourth grader---it works! Now I'm really going to hell, cause that was a big fat lie, but holy sh*t--I can't talk to him about this stuff. The whole building could crumble!! Not only that, he's making this worse and worse, and I'm afraid of the dark to begin with.)

Priest: "Is that all child?"

(Is that ALL? You made a freakin' mountain out of molehill, dude!!)

Me: "Yes father. Well, give or take a couple more curse words."

Priest : "Ok child." (*mumbles some mumbo jumbo for about a 2 minutes while I sit humbly awaiting his absolution*) "For your pennance, you must say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers---and God Bless you".

(At least he could have some suckers or a free movie ticket or something---that's all I get?)

I leave the confessional and go kneel up at the altar of the church to say my pennance, and while I do all the kids get scolded a few more times for chit-chatting, as we are comparing pennances....of which most often, everyone's is the same thing. 

I don't know how I ever made it to where I am today in my spirituality, but apparently, overall, it must have done something good for me. Just very funny to think back on.

12:22 AM 6/30/2013 ©

.......

Last night I dreamt about you. 

you were here, and you loved me too. 

I looked inside your big blue eyes,

and you cracked a smile and forgot all my lies. 

I’m on a planet with a golden kiss
It shimmers with glory, such bliss!

As I zoom in, it turns into a dark land
Peep in, I’m afraid, I cannot stand!

In darkness, I see a bright glowing tower
Inside, a plethora of so called ‘man’ power

Zoom in; I see ‘beast’ kind disguised as ‘man’ kind
Alas! Not a single kind beast could I find

I hear roars of uncivilized beings
And moans of so-called weaklings

I see a trail of emotional turmoil
Those 7 deadly sins wrapped in a dazzling foil

Gifted to humanity, his power, his grey matter
It separates humans from animals and allows us to shatter

The once created planet with a golden kiss
Will it ever show the signs of holy bliss?

I march forth into life itself
I walk to the line to cross myself
I leave all behind
To conquer emptiness of lost time
All these years you look back to see what could be
Some would give anything to rearrange
But to alter one thing I would change
All that is me.
The things that you regret
Make you who you are, so don't fret.
For one simple thing of past changed even a little hair,
Life could be much worse for wear.