Abstinence

Penance

Folder: 
Confessions

I tried to change

I tried to gain your approval

Tried to bring back the smile you had when we first met

and the fire that kept us alive for hours in dark heavens

I tried to turn back time and find my purity

Bowed down and prayed to the Divine

Burned my Nietzsche books

and turned to your Ignatian rules

Climbed the thousand steps of El Salvador

on my knees

Lit two candles in San Pedro Church

and prayed

Abstained myself from Rand and Marx

Silenced the waves of the seas

inside my soul,

the loud beating of my dying heart,

the whispers of the cold wind

Dressed black on Friday nights

Slapped my cheeks with verses

of my sins

Recited the rites of holiness 

to conjure your love

Dried up my eyes from hellish cries...

I swallowed you

Your blood, flesh, and tears

Like a sacrament, I welcomed it all —

even the dark clouds that moved 

around you

Didn't I hear the heavens and saw

the angels in you?

Still, my demons are here to stay and say,

Why am I still not enough for you?

How can be enough for you?