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“Who is he?”

I whisper to myself

as your eyes gaze off to the distance

and treat me with the unbearable silence

I’m a little too late, I guess,

I hear your eyes scream, they confess

It is him who holds your heart

The one you’d rather hold your hand

Under the city lights

In a cold November night

But my love for you is greater than his.

So do the honor and list down the things

you so liked about him

Watch me burn myself with a pile of leaves

and reborn as him

Just let me be your light, your candle tonight

I can be him, your lover, if you like

I’ll cut my wrist, drain the blood my ancestors

passed on to me

Replace it with the words he whispers

when I’m not around

Let his words flow down my veins so you may speak

and tell me all the things you never say to me

Slit my throat with the screen of the phone you use

To capture his face, his smile, the perfection, your muse

Because you never even once

took a picture of me

— or maybe my image is just

too hideous for you to keep?

What strength of lens does he use, you say?

I can smash mine down if it’s not the same

Use the shards to peel off my skin I so badly hate

Blessed is he to have the kind that keeps you sane

I’ll unclench my claws I’ve spent years to build

Pull them out and mold me his hands and feet

Let the blood spritz all over the room

Let them spell: HERE LIES A HOLY FOOL,

WHO SURRENDERED HIMSELF FOR LOVE —

BECAUSE HIS LOVE WAS NEVER ENOUGH.

Tell my mother I died a sweetest death

And I’ll be waiting in line in the Day of Resurrect

Pour out the gasoline all over my corpse for the final touch

Say a short Ignatian prayer before you strike the match

Watch my skin; watch my veins turn to ash, turn to dust,

as I’m enveloped and swallowed by flames

‘Cause I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of asking,

“Who is Carl, baby? I’m James.”

From now on, call me Carl.

I was but a faithless faithful married to my odes

A paradox of love and hate

A chainless slave of death

The master of a destiny roaming down lonesome roads

You came one day and I knew what to expect

Dark-red roses and a month for my heart to wreck

Like many of my poems, this love too will come to dust

In the comfort of the night, this bond will start to rust

But your light is stronger than my pessimism

Like a blanket in a stormy night, you envelope me

The touch and warmth of your skin tells me to believe again

In the vision of a tomorrow where I’ll never be alone again

With your lips, I remember my youth and hopes and dreams

With your hands, you take me back before I began to fear

With your tongue, you breathe life to my long-lost faith in heaven

With your eyes, I begin to hope and love again

And so then I took down my Berlin Wall,

Forgetting my sorrow and fear to fall

The Cold War is now over and the Sun has come

Here comes the Summer I've waited years to come

A puzzle I want to unravel,

You upped my curiosity

You bring more questions than answers

Testing my long-held tenacity

Years of reasons have finally abandoned my sanity

What is left is your voice and the visions of our promises

Gone are the days I preferred Rand and Hegel than your predictable daily updates

I now only crave for your fucked-up emojis and monotonous 'Hi's' and 'Hey's'

Wreathe me with your holy Marian poetry

As I undress my Peregrine peculiarity

Cast away the bedlam of the world

And cover me with your celestial words

If this love is a game of dark and light

Take me to Bethlehem where the stars breathe life

I'll lead you to my deepest sorrow

Off to Gethsemane our hearts shall go

St. Jerome in the Wilderness

Master, Master come to me,

                                                                                            Savior, Savior hear my plea.           

O Lord I understand my punishment.

I will not flee this banishment.

Until a time that you are done,

For you alone art the holy one.

Through temptation I have stayed,

Loyal in your gaze and unafraid.

I bear my cross as you bore yours,

Even with the window outdoors.

I use this quill to help you Lord,

As I hear the echo of a far off chord.

I praise your name to the land,

And rejoice when I hear the voices of the sand.

Amen, Amen I say to thee,

Amen, Amen please set me free.

Growing up I had always been Catholic (I am not a right-wing christian fanatic, btw). I went to CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine - aka Religious Education on the Catholic believes) growing up. Sometimes I would get tired of going every single Sunday to mass (since it what one is suppose to do). When I got to college, I started seeing my religion different and got tired of going every single Sunday to mass and I stopped going, but I still went while on vacation to keep my parents happy. Yes, I still believed in my religion, but I wasn't 'happy' for some of the teachings and I believe one can do them when they please if they wanted to (such as premarital sex), but I still wasn't happy with my religion though. After graduating and my old priests were still at my church, I was talking to one of them about the religion and told me to believe what I want to believe... it may be right or it may be wrong, but you decide.
In the space of 10 or so years, I still questioned my believes as being a Catholic. I know that by heart I am Catholic, but my mind isn't. About three years ago when my church started to celebrate their 250th Jubilee Anniversary (old Catholic Community in New Jersey)... I decided to participate and help in the committee... maybe with doing this, it will help me be closer to God. (FYI: I only go to masses on Holidays, yes, I am one of those)...
So, during the time of events, I enjoyed being part of my church community and it made me come closer to God then what I had been in for many years... I was actually happy to be where I was. I try my best to be part of the word of God even if I am not a "good" Catholic or Religious person, but like I said, I try to be the best. During the time of these events, we went to several places, some being special Catholic Churches in Philadelphia that brought me closer (FYI: I love a good Catholic Church and its decorations that make that church its true value... been to many several in Mexico and Brazil). I went to basically ALL the events we were having too (missed two I think)
Now that the events are over... I feel that I am drifting from the word of God again, but I always try somehow to get closer to him. While the events of my church, I am the admin to our FB Page and I would put pictures of the events... so just recently, I decided to put on it a daily prayer... I believe by doing this, it will help me be a little closer not only to my religion, but closer to God as well. I know it is not the same, but for me it is a great start. And I may still just be the kind that will still be going to mass on holidays only...
During the time of the events, my Father had hip surgery (on both, but not the same time)... the first time I actually went to the hospital chapel to pray a little because I know praying has always been a strong factor for me, I know it is not much, but in my heart I believe it is the right thing to do even if for many they don't believe in so.
To this day, I know that in my heart I will always be Catholic, but my mind still questions it no matter what. But in order to move forward, I first I need to 'fix' my life and be on the right path before I move forward with my religion. It will not be easy, but I think I will be alright with my believes and my church...

On a different side note...
I cannot compare my religion to other religions since I have never been to any other services of other religions, but only that from what I read in books and online. I understand some of the other Christianity religions, their purpose and their believes... but then there are others that I don't understand or their purpose. And I believe that those religions are missing out the true meaning of Christianity... (all the hundreds that are 'popping' out from who knows where). However, those that I believe are doing it right, I respect them for their religion and I don't question it as long as everyone knows what their purpose in life and the future is in beliveing in God.

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(vvv photo not my creation vvv)

I was born in America,

Began driving at 18,

A year beyond the usual age of 17,

And somehow I missed the reasoning

Behind the pedestrian crossing sign 

In my 'Driver's Education' studies.

I passed the test with flying colors,

And never really gave it a thought

Because I knew what the sign meant,

And so I was able to abide by it,

Despite the fact 

That I really didn't understand it.

One day, I was in the passenger's seat

Of my sister's car, she was driving,

We passed a pedestrian crossing sign

And I said, "Why is that sign like that?

It never really made any sense to me."

I was about 28 years old by this time.

She says, "What do you mean?"

I said, "PED-Exing? Why does it say that?"

She said, "It stands for 'pedestrian crossing'"

I still didn't get it. I sat there too embarrassed 

To ask, but then couldn't take the curiosity 

Any longer.

I said, "Where do you see the 'crossing' on it?"

She said, "The 'X'?... it's a cross, made into an 'X'?"

I was beside myself! I couldn't believe that 

Something so up-in-my-face had hidden from me 

All those years!!

I began to look at life more seriously

Ever since that day.

I know I can never go back to the days

Of when I saw that 'ped exing' sign in that way

Prior to understanding about it,

But it will always have meaning for me

Because it taught me the power 

Symbols can have for us, and over us.

And I believed it.

6:22 PM 7/20/2013 ©

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross

...............

It's the first Thursday of the month, and I'm standing in line, waiting for the nun to walk us across the schoolyard over to the church to confession. I am in fouth grade.

Sister: "Where is your beanie?"

Me: "Sister, I forgot it."

(Truth is, sister, I can't remember any sins to tell the priest today).

Sister: "Well, go get one of the extras from the box in the coat room."

Me: "Yes, sister."

(And for sure it's going to be either huge or so small it will fall off my head).

We get to church and now we are lined up on either side against the walls of the building. The entire fourth grade, two classes, one class on one side and one class on the other side, waiting our turns to go into the 4x4 pitch black room, where we will tell the priest all of the sins we committed that month.

Of course we get scolded at least once by the nun for chit-chatting as we wait in line. The thought goes through our heads, "Now, is that a sin?"

It's my turn and I enter the small room and feel about for the wall so I can find the kneeler and wait for the priest to open his little 'window'. In the interim, I can hear his muffled voice talking to the child in the booth on the side opposite to where I am kneeling. I can not hear the words, only a muffled sound that causes me to feel a bit anxious, for what reason, I have no clue. The whole thing is very strange to me every time I used to go, and as the years pass by, I find it even more strange.

Finally, the window opens, and light from his small cubicle where he sits shines into the small area where I have been waiting. Thinking about that alone, now an adult, explains the power they have over people for many years.

Priest: "Yes, child."

(Oh, thank God---I was wondering what in the hell that kid must have done. It was taking you forever, father.)

Me: "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins:...."

(Oh sh*t, this is the part I hate. What in the hell am I supposed to say? I don't mean to sound full of myself, but Jesus Christ!! I haven't done anything wrong this month!)

Priest: "Yes, child, you can speak---tell me your sins."

Me: "Um, I took the Lord's name in vain, father---well, not exactly but I thought the Lord's name in vain."

(Yea, just a minute ago--it's your fault too, for making me so damn nervous).

Priest: "Yes, child, that is a sin. What else?"

(Oh, man.... I better think of something fast.)

Me: "I told a lie, father,"

(Just now... f*ck!)

Priest: Yes, lying is not what Jesus wants for you, child. Who did you lie to? Your mother? Your father?

(Whew!! Thanks for saving me on that one, father!)

Me: "My father, but I also cursed someone---well, it was in my mind, father---I didn't really say it."

(*Sinister grin* Ok...I got this one...cool.)

Priest: "What was the curse word, child?"

(OMG, how embarrassing. Now I have to say the f bomb to a priest.)

Me: "Well, father, it was the word .... um...F*CK."

(Oh SH*T!!! I can't believe this! He is making a sinner out of me, and I was pure and holy when I walked in this room today!! God dam* this SOB!)

Priest: "Child! Where did you learn this word? Do you know what this word means?"

(Oh no. Now we have to have an interrogation because i'm trying to be honest with this sucker...no way. I 'm not goin' here with him).

Me: "I forget where I learned it, father,  I forget what it means. I heard it from an eighth grader waiting for the bus."

(Blame everything on the eighth graders when you're a fourth grader---it works! Now I'm really going to hell, cause that was a big fat lie, but holy sh*t--I can't talk to him about this stuff. The whole building could crumble!! Not only that, he's making this worse and worse, and I'm afraid of the dark to begin with.)

Priest: "Is that all child?"

(Is that ALL? You made a freakin' mountain out of molehill, dude!!)

Me: "Yes father. Well, give or take a couple more curse words."

Priest : "Ok child." (*mumbles some mumbo jumbo for about a 2 minutes while I sit humbly awaiting his absolution*) "For your pennance, you must say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers---and God Bless you".

(At least he could have some suckers or a free movie ticket or something---that's all I get?)

I leave the confessional and go kneel up at the altar of the church to say my pennance, and while I do all the kids get scolded a few more times for chit-chatting, as we are comparing pennances....of which most often, everyone's is the same thing. 

I don't know how I ever made it to where I am today in my spirituality, but apparently, overall, it must have done something good for me. Just very funny to think back on.

12:22 AM 6/30/2013 ©

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