Anxiety

The Off Grid Life

the off-grid life.

untied from the shackles of strife,

2017, the modern existence,

getting on the property ladder, how does anyone have a chance?
20, 25 or 30, forced to work to pay every bill,

going to work all hours, struggling to find a way, a life against our will,

needing the money from any form of work, mostly unprogressive, unhappy 
life passing by, frustrating, anger, decreasing self-worth, causing individuals to be snappy

unfulfilled, potentials are not met, working a job all day, unable to progress,

money is the key factor, for bills to be met, let me digress.

often they still aren't causing pain and suffering, stress and depression,

homelessness is rife through the country, a feeling of regression,

a feeling of being stuck, how to retrain and improve your careers?
speak to friends or family and the same conversation, doubts, and fears
if only another option was available,

one that was accepted and not just for the vulnerable,

the homeless, the people with nothing,

but how is this existence different? it is truly crushing,

once you can see that your life is consumed with working for money,

the soul has passed, your energy too, it can get so hard it's not even funny,

but who understands? in the face of consumerism, higher purchase, loans, and debt,

who is living a life, truly satisfied, and their dreams are met?

Not all people living off-grid are rich in cash!
but they aim for other needs; security in food & energy, it's worth a bash,


 

a growing transition for many people too,

it's not just for the hippies, the spiritual, it's for people like me and you,

think about it for a moment or two...

who would you be without your car, house and your possessions?
is that person you portray the real you? or do you blend in so people don't ask questions?
are you honest with your family and friends?

or do you sit behind a desk wishing it would end?
there is a wealth of knowledge of old traditions,

from a time when they lived without these conditions,

the conditions of social media, advertising, marketing ads or vlogs

when screen time didn't consume every waking hour, and children were fascinated with tadpoles transforming into frogs.

hours spent outside, climbing trees, playing at the park,

not allowed home unless it was tea time or had gotten dark.

 

a shift is happening, ecotherapy, wild schooling, bushcraft, and hikes,

forest schooling, homeschooling, people walking and out on their bikes,

scientists are noticing the effects on children's behaviors, reduced health issues,

ADHD,  also a boost in self-awareness, positivity, confidence and mental health issues

is it easier to sit a child down to hours in front of the tv, or ipad?

than it is to spend a few hours playing down the park with dad?

or baking a cake with mum, the importance of these skills are being misplaced,

in this consumerism world, with employees a number, in a life so fast-paced.

 

Off-grid living, the communities hidden away,

all they want is a parcel of land to look after their needs, but hey,

that's not possible, 'cause where will the local council get their tax,

with the community, living off the land, growing food and chopping wood with an axe,

the need and usage of government-owned services would become minute,

living simply and within your skills of the land, renewables used, an abundance of fruit,

food preserved in many forms, jams and chutneys, frozen meat,

enough food to last year-round to survive through winter, or in the heat,

the food produced off the land, tending the garden, and grown for nutrition,

the most important for life and health also said to aid in remission.

off grid homesteaders, don't need to take the flack,

with health as the focus, working outdoors to provide, lowering the need for prozac,
comments from shallow minded people need not be said,

the power of community, working together, I want to spread,

to include children in the transition, of conserving nature and our wildlife,

 

the tranquil setting amongst the seasons, watching the stars, that's my type of nightlife.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is my first time sharing my poetry, (after a few friends encouraged me that I should) please be kind and send your thoughts.

Also all words are opinions of myself in the modern world that we live in. 

This is not meant to cause offense, harm, upset to anyone, and if it does please understand that is not my intention.

 

Many thanks,

The Lobby

I'm stuck writing in this lobby

Here to distract myself from stepping out

As if things in life will approach me

While I'm just blending in

Positioned to be perfectly spotted

Yet appearing unaware

Perhaps this is why the world

Continues to grow distant

 

This is supposed to be my attempt

At keeping off the phone

 

The Phone

 

That filthy whore-

Demanding my attention endlessly

She wraps her gentle white glow

Around my primal brain

Red heels and waxed legs

Disguised as a stream of information

An endless flow

Rages rivers of dopamine

I chase endlessly the carrot she holds before me

And when my body taps out

I am left sunken and numb

The river dries

Until the next late night

 

 

 

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Forward We March

Forward We March

By jfarrell

 

My third day of work was Wembley,

I don’t know how many were there;

Being part of a crowd of several thousand,

It may be normal for some;

I get nervous with just one other person present.

 

Like the Roman Legion of old,

We marched several paces forward; then stopped.

Several paces forward, then wait for several minutes;

Then forward we march…

 

The building to our right,

I don’t know if it was flats or hotel;

People looking out of windows,

To watch an army of fans march.

 

And the one wierdo, naked,

Watching us with binoculars;

Same crazy people live among us.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

me, at wembly? madness

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Webs

Webs

By JFarrell

 

 

“What if…?”, starts the web

One thought, one tiny feeling of doubt

Screams with such deafening force

The echoes ricochet back

Pummelling you with the shrapnel of anxiety

Suddenly, your mind is racing

From “what if…?” to “WHAT IF…?”

The thousand fears that instantly flood you

Are corrosive, adhesive, sinuous, entangling

Beguilingly wrapping themselves about you

Tighter and tighter, crushing the breath out of you

Gossamer tendrils of fear cling to all your thoughts

The more you struggle the tighter they constrict

Ensnared, rooted, trapped

Like the fly thrashing about in the web

Trying to break free

Your misery only serves to be the appetizer

For the spider approaching from your soul

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

here ends the web

"Pre-Traumatic"

Folder: 
Quotes

by Jeph Johnson

 

I have PTSD

But for me the P

Stands for pre not post.

 

It's AKA anxiety.


The past is behind me,

Why worry about that?


Creative memory

Can easily help me

Control that.

I worry about

What isn't so easy

To control:


The future.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

circa 2013

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Dominating the Future

by DaddyO 

 

I have PTSD, but for me the "P" stands for "pre" not "post."

 

Yes I have...

 

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

 

It's also known as anxiety.

 

No one can control the past, all any of us can do is hope to control our memories of the past. My selective memory does a fairly good job of that. I am also very inventive and analytical, so with a little creativity, I can sift the golden memories from the sands of my past. In doing this my mind (which is in the present) often feels better about the past than the future.

 

I love to reminisce and revel in my many successes.

 

I have lived a life devoted to pleasure that many would envy. Since embracing hedonism at the turn of the 20th century, I have strove for or had fun every single day of my existence. I have lived my life on my terms, steadfastly holding my own (or saying "fuck you") amidst critics, adversaries and down-right enemies!

 

But I also wish to learn from my many mistakes: I call it "growing up", and I certainly have a lot more of that to do than most men my age! As my body matures, the rest of me holds on to those selective positive memories.

In short, I created a world for myself that is very foreign to what other men my age experience by avoiding the responsibilities most men my age have. A life intent on having as few responsibilities as possible:

 

By foregoing a college education I avoided tuition debt. Sure I took a few electives, but they were just classes I wanted to take!

 

In working at jobs where the most I ever made was $10 an hour, I learned skills that were "fun" rather than practical. Still I attended over 300 free concerts, met countless rock stars and collected enough compact discs to open my own store as a hobby!

 

In getting snipped I produced no "junior", but I never had to discipline an unruly child or forego a party because I had a kid at home.

 

In short, I find myself with the responsibilities of someone in their early 20s, (complete with 22 year old girlfriend at the time of this writing). That's the bright side. But on the dark side I no longer have the youthful enthusiasm, health or hopefulness to go along with it.

 

I have the bone creaks, lightheaded dizziness and stomach cramps of an ageing overweight diabetic man, yet my present needs are few.

 

I am clever and self-contained so I can derive enjoyment and entertainment from otherwise mundane things and situations. My mind keeps me busy enough to not require expensive hobbies. Hell, I don't even need video games or an entertainment budget above that to maintain a portal to the world wide web,

 

All my enjoyment comes in these simple pleasures: Writing, music, internet, fantasy sports and seeing my girlfriend's eyes light up when she smiles at me! And I like them as much for the simplicity as I do for their pleasures!!

 

I don't need a luxury car, tropical vacation, designer clothing or fine dining.

I just want to be healthy and wealthy enough to not be bedridden or hungry and able to wear practical clothing. I want a warm bed and shelter from the elements for myself, my girl and our modest belongings, as well as transportation to and from work and the store.

 

That's about it!

 

When other people get triggered, all logic and reasoning seem to fly out the window. I guess it's the opposite for me. When I am triggered is when I start using logic and reason.

 

The way I look at triggers is a person can rest easy, for the gun is no longer loaded!

 

But this thing we call "the future" scares the hell out of me. The idea that we indeed can control our future is what riddles me with so much anxiety.

 

People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and triggers seem to have a difficult time putting bad experiences behind them.

 

People with anxiety have a difficult time navigating the experiences ahead of them.

 

My desire to be "dominant" stems from this happy place I find myself in when I have control of my present (and presumably future) surroundings.

 

Do submissive people generally have a tougher time dealing with the past?

From my experiences, yes.

 

I envy a submissive person's ability to give up control of the present, yet am frequently frustrated by how much influence triggering memories of the past seem to be for them.

 

I have few regrets for most of the things I've done along the way. Instead I regret a lot of what I didn't do.

 

Which is terrifying when you find yourself careening down the opposite side of the "over-the-hill" analogy and looking back at what you've done is much more difficult. All that you've done is obscured from view. There's that damn hill in the way!

 

All the things you didn't do stay with you forever, however.

 

So I feel I have gotten a lot out of this world in this era I've lived. Death doesn't scare me, but the road leading there does!

 

I still have a few bucket list items. None should require money but all require stability. And because stability requires money I'm screwed.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2015 

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Lurking

I liked us,

We always had each others back,

I can remember looking at your smile

Thinking I could see it carrying on for miles into some world of bliss,

Your little brother would look at you,

As if having more knowledge of that rich, expansive kindess,

Of what I assumed was at your core,

 

Now I know,

There is a demon who dwells inside of you,

I hear its stomps and roars,

Its shackles whipping and bending at its will,

Putting cracks in what I once thought,

Was a friendship sturdy as marble,

I feel the screams of your wrath,

I'm shocked how low they moaned,

When you created so many elegant distractions,

But now I see what lives in you,

And I fear it waits for me,

To throw my bones with all the rest,

Of the sorry fools that ever bought your act.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I know I haven't posted in a while but a certain person has managed to make me so incredibly irritated that I am back to writing. Hope to have a few more posted by the end of the week. Enjoy!

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Living In My Shell

I can hear the busy city life right outside my window,

People rushing around to get where they have to be.

I remember when I was always moving and on the go,

Things are different now that the anxiety has taken over me.

 

The fear of what’s out there has consumed my brain,

Every waking moment is a struggle for me.

No one knows the depths of my pain,

I have locked it up and thrown away the key.

 

Feelings of no one understanding what I go through,

Thinking the worst will always happen, without a doubt.

Hiding in my home has become what I do,

I’m living in a shell and keeping everyone out.

 

How do I get away from this, I just want to be free,

It’s got a hold on me and I’m trying to let go.

I want my life back; I want to be happy.

This fear I feel just continues to grow.

 

Maybe one day I will get the happiness that I crave,

Until then I will continue to fear all.

Staying in my shell and trying to be brave,

 Continuously living behind my built up wall.

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Anxiety Alive

Racing thoughts taking over my brain,

My head and heart in so much pain,

Thoughts of impending doom fill my head.

Feelings of wishing I were dead,

 

“Just make it stop!” I scream inside myself.

Feeling as though nothing will ever help.

Knowing that the thoughts will stay in my head.

No matter what anyone has said.

 

I just want to have some normal thoughts,

And not always feel so out of sorts.

Feeling no one can ever fully understand,

Always seem to have my head in my hands.

 

The tears flow steady as I write these words,

Wishing I could fly real high like the birds.

Just get away from the racing going on,

Just get away, just be gone.

 

This is something beyond my control,

Why am I alive, what is my role?

How did I get like this, when did it begin?

Feeling as if I will never win.

 

So each day continues the same as before,

The racing feeling beginning to soar.

I wonder how will I get through another day,

 

Trying to keep these feelings at bay.