The Sleepless Nights- Anxiety

It is in the late hours of a sleepless night.
At first the night was sleepless due to an over-abundance of this yearned for sleep from just last night. It is not over-abundance which has kept me from my desire to rest this hour. That over-abundance simply set the start of a journey, a journey deep into my mind. I have found that in the late hours of night a man finds his soul, or lack there of. It is only in these tired hours he can find who he really is, what he believes, what he wishes he believed, and what he loses faith in. In these hours he loses himself in thought, more often worry than otherwise. Worry, so it seems is the death of man. It is the eighth deadly sin. Worry is what holds mankind back, its what harnesses the reigns of life. A man can only be measured by his accomplishments, but what accomplishments can be found if blocked by impossibility? Man finds late at night his largest worries. Worries he didn't know or chose not to think of in the day, they become inescapable at night. They choke the sleep from the dreamer who dreams of but to dream. This worry will seize you without warning. It cannot be dispelled but by the greatest of efforts. Worry and faith aren't all found in these hours though, their near cousin is as well; Strength. Strength is found. It may be found to combat worry, it may be found because of faith, but strength is what will lull the restless to sleep. Strength in oneself is a beautiful thing. But as so it seems, most men's strength leaves them in their time of most need. Strength of the average man seems to all too easily evaporate with the first rays of morning. No matter what feelings or thoughts are aroused or provoked, in the morning we are all the man we laid down as, none the wiser until the next moments of restless fit.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Wrote this one the night before a very difficult day in which I would have to face one of my greatest fears. Wrote it around 3:30 am

My Heart Stops


I have had a dark past,
With so many things I never told you,
I couldn't tell you...
I told you many things though,
I was afraid,
I wanted to cry.
Every time I told you something,
I didn't know what you were thinking,
Tears  began to fall,
My heart rate seemed to pick up,
Anxiety seemed to take control,
Its foot on the gas,
And I just couldn't stop,
I worried,
I cried,
I wanted to scream,
I wanted to hear someone say,
"It'll be ok",
No one did,
You understand now?
I can't trust,
Not yet at least,
You said I could for you,
I promise to try,
I can feel anxiety still pushing,
Pushing me forward,
But what happens when I run out of fuel,
Out of energy,
Is it true?
My heart will stop?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written for a special someone who I hope will read this... ✋

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IF I Depend Upon You

If you attach yourself to me
I no longer exist
If I depend upon you
You dissolve
If I expect you to provide for me
I diminish your capacity for liberty
If you hold an idea of what I should be
I am drowned in a sea of make-believe
If you desire anything from me
I cease to be
If I call upon you to relieve my anxiety
I fail not only you but me
If I cannot stand apart from you
I can in no way stand beside you
If we acknowledge sacred unity
Without sin of embroiled restriction
We are free to embrace love
Unencumbered and unrefined
Sensually uninhibited as it is meant to be

Paula Andrea Pyle, MA 2011(c)

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Ineffable Beauty and Unspeakable Grace come from the same source: the glorious power of inexpressible love. We, as humans, are allowed to view glimpses of it, brush by hints of it, hear melodic molecules dancing in the wind, but never are we submerged in its effervescent sacred omnipotence. We somehow delude ourselves to the point of believing we enmesh ourselves in it. Nothing could be further from the raw truth. We only scrape the surface,breathe a mere wisp, scantily touch the hem of the garment by imagining a human depiction of its true magnificence. The moment we reach out to grasp hold of it, it dissipates.


2010-2012 Poems

"Sleep"-Oh how I miss thee!
Sleep, you came and you left
Without cradling me...

I toss and turn, refuge in a ruffled burrow.
Shadows underneath the eyes,
Awake on a restless pillow.

Sleep! Your absence makes me weep...
Bring peace to this tired consciousness,
I've lost count of the sheep.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

-(c)jerlin 10Oct11 - insomia attacks on 'auth season'

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You kill yourself 'cause no one cares
Tearing yourself up at the seams
Just another day and everything's still fucked
You hate the world around and hope they all can go to hell
No one understands why you do the things you do

Destroy yourself in the heat of the moment
Momentary pleasure is a virtue for your soul
Put walls around yourself so no one can see the scars
Put on a show for all the people
Make them think that you're okay when they all know you're not

You hate yourself for everything you do
You wonder if the world would be better without your useless self
Hating every moment and begging that it might stop

Sprawled upon your bed your thoughts hit you like a freight train
One hundred mile per hour anxious thoughts that don't seem to stop
You hate yourself and the people who do you wrong
You want them to be mangled and hurt

Scared for the confrontation where you both stare awkwardly away
And hope that you don't have to say a word
For the only things you have to say to her are to fuck off and leave me alone

Hatred for society, hatred for the government
They're never right anyway
Hatred for your traitors, hatred for your own selfish needs
Psychological addiction killing you slowly day by day
The world spins and you hope to leave for another world.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Pretty self explanatory. It's just talking about feelings that I've felt and things that I've been through in the last few months.

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Drought In My Head

I need time to solidify.
Everything is so dry,
Cracks pierce the crust.

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Stuck in a Thought

Assorted Stuff

What is this that’s happening to me
Is this what people call anxiety
Crawling out of my own skin
I feel it begin
I don’t even feel like I’m really here
Lost in my thoughts plagued by my fears
Am I imaginary, is this whole world an illusion
Insanity sets in as I play with my delusion
Am I crazy, schizo, just plain psychotic?
Try to grasp sane thoughts but it’s pretty chaotic
My heads a mess, my hearts beating out of my chest
Need to calm down but forgot how to rest
I’m in distress S.O.S
Please send help fast
I’m not sure how long I can last

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