Unsure how to process,
I am living on the edge of forgotteness,
While today, taking out the trash,
Nearly gave me whiplash,
To the past I found myself agazed,
Upon the rough, unforgettable haze,
Containing the choices you have made,
And how I just try my best to wade,
Through the pain,
That left a permanent stain,
And through the disappointment,
That took my enjoyment,
The person that lived in that room,
The one that lacked a broom,
That person was not you,
At least not the one I ever knew,
Having kept that aspect of you separate from my mind,
It was easier to have your role clearly be defined,
But now there's another person that's been along for the ride,
And it takes strength to learn to coincide.
Stepping Up
By JFarrell
The last time I worked was 31st March 2000
This Sunday, 6th August 2017
I will be a barman at Wembley Stadium
For the start of the football season
My first day of work in a long time
From waste of space drunk to the FA Community Shield
In a little over three months
Can I really change? Can I make it?
Leave my alcoholism and past behind
And move into a new, brighter future?
The stadium seats ninety thousand people
I get anxious being around just one person
I am absolutely ‘bricking it’
But if I can cope with this
I’ll be able to cope with anything
I am 49 years old
Facing fears in a major way
Forcing my life into a new direction
I am stepping up to the plate
Let’s hope I don’t suck
17 May 2017
New Life
By JFarrell
Day 10, Year 0
And I am still sober;
Started a new job this morning,
My first job since March 2000.
My college asked me, “How do you feel about doing higher level work,
You’re obviously more than capable.”
And I am hopelessly in love;
Not bad for a waste of space drunk.
My body aches all over,
I feel like I got flu,
I’m not sleeping well,
When I do sleep, I wake to find my bed soaked with sweat,
I’m eating poorly,
Quick snack when I remember I’m hungry,
And one out every three snacks stays down;
Like I said, waste of space drunk.
And I have never felt so alive,
So capable,
So powerful;
Jim,
Welcome to your new life,
And, the 21st Century.
I hope I’ve the strength
By JFarrell
I hope I’ve the strength
To continue.
To persevere,
To make 6 days sober 60 days sober
To make this try out for a job, a real job
To really change
I hope I’ve the strength
To keep courage,
To keep hope
If, when, I fall
To rise again and continue
Not lose heart
Not to lose faith
I hope I’ve the strength
For my journey
And it’s deadline
I’ve never had a dream before
I have one now
And I hope I’ve the strength
To achieve it.
Someone
By JFarrell
Someone,
An amazing, beautiful, radiant
Queen,
Haloed by the very stars themselves,
Fell in love with me,
A waste of space, good for nothing drunk.
And I must go to her,
Half way round the world;
I must hold her tight,
I will cry tears of pure joy.
I will say thank you,
I will ask why, how
And I will pledge my undying love;
She is what drives me,
Her wish is my desire.
No longer,
A good for nothing,
Waste of space,
Drunk.
Thank you, my Valkrie battle queen.
Lesson
By JFarrell
I’ve spent all my life
Crying over yesterday
Worrying over tomorrow
And
They do not matter
Like the sun
Breaking through the clouds
It dawned on me
Yesterday is gone
Tomorrow never comes
Now is all I
Any of us have
And
Though I cannot do what I want do now
If now I make a better choice
Don’t get drunk now
And keep making that better choice
In the now
A now will come when I can do
What I want to do now
Note: this is my 2nd day on the wagon, sober; if i make it through until Friday sober, it will be the longest time I’ve been sober in 15 years.
I wasted a lot of now, choosing to stay drunk, and I can not get all that wasted time back, I could be flying to Alabama now, if I had spent that time better
I AM NOT WASTING WHAT NOW I HAVE LEFT
This anger inside has rattled my cage
I hide it in a bottle labled rage
I;m sick of its tormenting lies
As it pokes and prys
And searches for a release
It begs pretty please
I keep telling it no, but it gets harder with time
I grab a bottle of tequilla and fuck the lime
I drown my sarrows and shatter my memories
With this broken bottle I sever my arteries
Laying there feeling guilty, I let my soul leave
I sigh and mutter, I just wanted one to believe
My blood's thickening, please just cauterize
'Cause in my final thoughts I finally realize
I take a breath and start to fight
Don't give up, I can see the light
My wife and kids are there crying
Please stop, I'm not dying
Then I hear them praying a prayer
As I look down at my cold dead stare
Laying in my coffin, I know it's too late
But, then I wake up sweating, It's not my fate
I roll over to kiss my wife
She's not there, is this still my life?
I have still never seen the inside of the room
Where you spent your winter afternoons
On the floor or on your knees
Mama said it was a part of your disease
But i could never understand
When those doors sprang open at times
You stumbled out wet and screaming for limes
No one in the house would look up or even nod
Mama would whisper, "it's just something he forgot."
But i could never understand
The music of Billie Holiday blasting a private concert
I could hear you mumbling and fumbling for every word
When i asked uncle Mickey about the strange smell
Mama would cut in with, "Tequila, it's the juice from hell!"
But i was so young, I could never understand
One day a loud popping sound cut straight through the tunes
It was the first time I ever heard the silence of my Daddy's room
It was also the first time i ever saw through your door
Mama said you were sleeping but i saw the blood and the gun
And you on the floor
I was young but somehow i knew
It was time
To grow up...
Need you to satiate the insecurities
cast them away
for a day
of emotional purity
when I need self-obscurity
forget the cards I was dealt
I need that sparkly clear persuasion to hide me from myself...
wake up and get a hold of that sparkly clear persuasion
on my way to school...need incentive for misbehaving...
have a couple of projects...a couple of teachers strictly grading
all I need to forget...is some sparkly clear persuasion...
can't live without you...i'm most alive when you're running
hot through my veins
all my facades are torn away...
all the walls
installed
atop my personality
are torn down....and what's left is the raw, naked me
naked but happily so...
basic...no complexity
like my descendants centuries
ago
for one beautiful night....life is nothing but a dream...
loving everyone..and everyone loving me...
i need that sparkly clear persuasion...to do it's tasty magic..
in order for me
to be the epitome
of love and compassion
it's a very sad display
of insincerity that's been hammered into my mind and deeply ingrained...
in my mental make up.....can't return to my roots...
cause I need that sparkly clear persuasion to remember the truth.