loss

Life

Life

 

Life, what are you?

Why are we here with you?

You are a gift we are given.

You are a curse into the heart of our being.

 

Pain, why do you give us this pain?

Why the pain into the center of our soul?

The life we have is full of this pain.

Why do we have to live this life with this pain?

 

Joy, why do you only give us so little of this joy?

Why is the joy so short, but so sweet?

How to we balance the joy to the pain?

Why does the joy fade so quickly?

 

Balance, the thing we seek most of all.

Why is it so hard to balance the pain to the joy?

Is it because the joy is so much greater, and we feel its loss so much more?

Is it because we can not know the joy without the pain?

 

Death, the end of it all?

There are times when it seems that Death is the only way to end the pain?

Alas if we take Death, then we also have no more joy in this life.

Yet with Death there is no more pain.

Death, I know you, and I hate you and I love you.

 

I am but a lost soul.

I came into this world, this life with nothing.

I will leave the world, this life with nothing.

Is that why this life is a balance between Pain, Joy, Life, and Death?

 

Is there a purpose to all of this?

Why are we here?

Why is there life?

Why is there Death?

Why is there Joy?

Why is there Pain?

 

These are the questions of this life.

We do not get the answers within it.

We live this life to try to find these answers.

Maybe when we find them, is when we are done?

I am not ready to be done.

Are you ready to know?

Are you ready to be done?

 

B. Thompson

May 2013

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I have been lost for awhile.  My family lost someone today.  I am doing well with it, but I needed to share.

 

I am an EMT and a firefighter.  I have spent my whole adult life trying to help others.  To stop pain and Death and to save life and joy.

 

I have been there for too many deaths.  I have seen too much pain.  It is a burden on my soul and a weight on my heart.

 

I try to sink the pain deep inside of me, but it has power and time and can find a crack to come out again and again.

 

I do not know how to stop it from pushing out from the inside. Maybe if I push it to the outside it will have more trouble coming back in.

 

Maybe

 

-bt

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Rain On Down

Folder: 
Light and Dark

Go on and just let it rain

Rain on down

I don’t care

Anyhow

Keep on washing

This pain away

I don’t care

She’s gone away

 

Twilight’s moonlight

Shines against the sun

Hasn’t taken over yet

But I know it’s won

Just like how I feel right now

Numbness sets on me

Taking away how I felt

What we could’ve been

 

Hell ya rain is a good thing

Because where would I really be

Without it taking away my thoughts

And all my memory

Without my past

I have a future

So just go on

 

And just let it rain

Rain on down

I don’t care

Anyhow

Keep on washing

This pain away

I don’t care

She’s gone away

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Lost life

I knew this was coming

I’ve seen it in your eyes

Your death was coming

You’ve given up the fight

I’ve cried my tears of sorrow

I’ve said my last goodbyes

My hopes and dreams

Aren’t meant to be

I’ve lost my desire to believe

You’re gone now

Life won’t ever be the same

Our hearts are breaking

We don’t know peace

Everyone’s together now

We’ve kept each other strong

These months are going to last too long

The world is cold

The ground, so hard

I just want everything to thaw

Yellow roses blooming in the air

We still wish that you were here

Our prayers fall on deaf ears

Your face so cold

Your eyes so distant

I can’t just make believe your existence

The pain so strong

The grief so long

I just want you back in our arms

Your mother, her daughter

Crying on your casket

Wanting to know why this could happen

Your daughters, their mother

Barely holding it together

Breaking down in the face of disaster

Your babies, they cry

Even though we said goodbye

You’re in the ground

So cold it is

Never to see you face again

We sit here remembering

The good and the bad

Sometimes it just makes us more sad

Our hearts are broken

We love you so much

The world just didn’t understand that

And took you from us

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My grandma died from cancer and after us all taking care of her for so long, it's hard to recover from the loss. I've been writing to cope. 

The Pain Amoeba

Folder: 
tragedy

Thoughts drip from my mind as

globulous glassy fluids of emotion.

 

The curtains drawn,

the veil of love lifted and

bare truths litter the ground

at my feet.

 

Starry dreamlike flickers

each turned into glaring suns of acceptance;

the loss confounds me.

 

Amoebas shifting, pushing.

Meniscus pulls back each rush of liquid mess

my heart squeezes through new eyes

in its feeble attempt to fill the void

so glaringly obvious now 

with something, anything.

 

All sense of knowing lost.

The fabric of my undestanding

torn from under me.

 

As I fall 

Betrayal nudges the corners of realisation

but its too loud an echo to pay attention.

 

Not ready yet.

 

As the liquid marbles

load up and fire their last

passionate pleas for compassion

the reality knocks intently

I push to keep it out 

A long and useless fight.

 

Ameobas of pain Take me over.


Senseless,

nothing left to try.

I brace;

waiting for the tears to run dry... 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's all relative... 

Pother ideas to add amoebas clawing fingerlike projections calling pain into existence drawing attention like a virus... Etc... 

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cracked mask

Folder: 
hunger

mask cracked.. tear spills out.
sudden shock as world turns real..
flash as wave of substance washes out..
echo as awareness of reality bounces back..
reminds me that you are leaving me..
hearts once met paths now taken in other directions
still a friend to me..
memory carried
coloring everyday
with lessons learned from
our meeting and divide..
mask carried to speak to a blind world
cracks as shape of society
falls away in the dust..
only my own voice to
be spoken
only own actions to be
carried out..
hands await the embrace
of a body
they are already destined to touch..
but today
i watch mask crack
and fall away

Author's Notes/Comments: 

we all wear masks.. painted on with loving grace.. in the shape of fangs that hide our tears

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Universal Disregard

Your passing by has sparked my high.

To lose you now, with no goodbye,

Would justify my thought to die.

 

I turn around and say hello,

And gaze upon that angel's glow,

To set our course within the know.

 

The days have passed, yet there we stand.

The hourglass has drained its sand,

And life around us has gone bland.

 

Obsession starts to show its face.

Still standing at that meeting place,

Your interest now is gone in haste.

 

The answer was to push away,

Your growing feelings day by day,

And then you'd always want to play.

 

So now my thoughts of you are pain.

Obsession still without refrain.

Attempts to free you from my brain.

 

Left here alone still wondering,

Why frequently abandoning,

Is both the love and loss routine.

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Over

The train was leaving

The plane was flying

Away, away from me

Are you done walking?

 

The hits, the shoving

The staircase spiraling

A breath from death

A whisper from me

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Really, i was just thinking of a bad break up. God, it's bad :S

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Twisted reality & a wounded love

Realities twisted, lying through your every day lives, seeping in your eyes...

fusion in their very own true colors...

our skin is dead.. the heart is greatest the vessel.

my brain is on overload.. nothing stays in tune. 


Forever packaged in your box of perfect calamity. misery hate's herself, but loves her company..

shadowed by death & the light is to conceal the darkness.

water flows inside us, like our waves of emotions..
Ocean of life, the constant misty rain to trickle despair,

the sand to hold us together & bury the fear sunken beneath it..

I won't ever know if you really love me.

Your mind is almost always ingested with shit.. & then you go & feed it.

although fantasy is my favorite belief, I don't want to be the plaque on your mildly yellowed teeth..

I don't want to be that needle in your arm...

I do wish I could free you from "your reality" of pain..

i'd like to take you on an adventure far away with me.. somewhere we'd both be free.
because in the end I think I know I can ignore & re-create parts of reality to where I need it to be.

I hope one day you'll be able to comprehend that state of freedom mentally.. 

I don't expect automatic acceptance. I know everything is a test..

sometimes, or for the most part, it could make everything seem worthless..

I try my best not to fall on my face.. I live for spiritual feat.

but if what I live for isn't on this earth too, then why is my body here to begin with...?

I feel physically unnecessary.

everything here now just ends up what used to be... i'm not sure if it mean's anything to me..

I miss so many people every second, every passing day... it's like each day is a bigger loss then the one before.

but I guess the soul could just be a gaping black empty growing hole..
Don't get me wrong. I entrust positivity.. but this pain is buried within my identity.

a lot of the time when you'll try so hard to fly... you will end up falling..

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Oct. 2012. 

Epitome of loss

I can see you falling, piece by piece, withering... like dead petals..

& the vase your dying in, is cracked & worn thin...

you can't elude this fate.. the memory can't be erased..

the gaze of your eyes pushed through the surface of who I am, & what I was..

it was like choking on nails.. I could feel each of my flaws..

epitome of loss...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

written maybe almost 2 months ago.. short but it expresses a lot for me.