Abuse

Tonight

Tonight I cry – no, weep for you.
Tonight my soul hurts through and through
as I mourn the loss of what you never had, never were, never could be.
What you were robbed of, deprived of, what should have been so easy.
I’ve watched, I’ve listened, I’ve sat patiently by
while I struggled to understand, learn the reasons why
you find yourself so tough, strong, cold.
Why there is an impenetrable shield you hold
onto so tightly – clenched in your fists
that not even with the most fervent of wish
can I get you to lower enough to see
that what has been is not what always must be.

Tonight I sob – let the tears run down
my face, to the floor, across the street, through the town
as I think back and imagine all the things you went through
back in the time long before I met you.
When you were a young boy – innocent, sweet –
on a hot summer day, looking for a treat
from the ice cream truck, maybe a trip to the pool
something to beat the heat and stay cool.
To many you were just a boy outside to play,
but how could they not see the darkness that lay
just beneath the surface of your skin?
The secrets that you held within
of all your struggles, your pain, your fears?
How could they NOT see your tears?
You were a child, how could they not know?
There must have been signs that you had to show.
How could they ignore what must have been clear?
How could you hide it year after year?

Tonight I have anger – a foreign feeling for me
as I was raised where happiness always ran free
as a bird sailing through the cerulean sky
and fury was a fictional thing – even a lie.
But this rage that I am consumed with is very much real
as I think about a young man who was dealt a raw deal.
A teenager who needed wisdom and guidance
but instead found himself trying to avoid violence
from a place where harm should never be found.
A locale that should have been hallowed ground –
a place of sanctity, where he could always feel safe.
A destination to always return to...home base.
But what should have been your life’s strongest shield
was more of a dagger someone chose to wield
against you instead of raising it in your defense.
Why did you have to keep up the pretense
that everything was just fine and alright?
Why couldn’t there be someone to fight
on your side when you couldn’t fight anymore?
And why were you so alone in this war?

Tonight I wail in the pit of my heart
when I think about how we were worlds apart
in our life experiences, while physically so close.
Why was I born on a bed as soft as a rose
while you, my love, were left with the thorns?
What determines the lot to which we are born?
I was given every advantage, support and most of all love.
You were destined to face trials, tribulations and even a shove
out of the nest. The security, of a mother’s warm embrace
was denied you. You lived in a dark desolate place
where you were forced to endure trials befitting a man
at such a young age – I do not know if I can
even imagine how you made it through –
how you survived, prospered, became remarkable You.

Yet tonight, I see hope. I see a light in the end.
I’m not quite sure how it can be, my dear friend,
that one man can bear all the pains you have borne
and be so amazing – how you weathered the storm
and came out unscathed to the naked eye,
though I see the scars you so carefully hide
as you move forward becoming the best you can be:
a proud father, a real gentleman, a true friend to me.
I know that you bent, much further than most
yet you never broke…never gave up the ghost
to those who tried so hard to destroy your spirit.
You kept your head high and said to those who could hear it
“I am a man – at times an enigma to you
but to those I allow in my life I am true.
To those who have tried to beat me back
understand all you did is show how you lack
any sort of character, morals or strength.
You taught me I could go to incredible lengths
to achieve the amazing things I am destined to do.
And I will reach them all in spite of those like you.”

Tonight I look upon your face with pride.
I realize that though a part of your childhood died
a premature death, having never reached maturity,
without all your pain, the man you were destined to be
could not have come to fruition so well.
You would not be the very man who I fell
for so hard, so completely, so profoundly, so deep.
And now as I lay here and watch you quietly sleep
I realize there is absolutely nothing I would not do
to ensure your dark days are long gone, over, through.
I think perhaps you are my destiny
for you’ve never had a protector quite like me.
One who revels in the brightness of life
who can bask in its radiance having lived without strife.
A woman who protects those she cherishes most;
whose sunshiney disposition makes her the paramount host
to those she chooses to gather in an embrace
of warmth and smiles – who makes them feel safe.
I want nothing more than to share with you my light.
To show you uncompromising joy day and night.
If you trust me enough to be held in my heart
I know this is the beginning of a wonderful part
of your life you never dreamed could come true.
It’s the part where a woman unconditionally loves you.

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I'll always protect her from you

You beat up your girlfriend because you are a brute.
I tried to send you to jail but your girl won't prosecute.
I'm a preacher but I won't marry the two of you.
If I did that, it would be a very evil thing to do.

It was a sad day when she agreed to be your wife.
I will not help you to destroy that poor girl's life.
Besides physically abusing her, you verbally abuse her as well.
How dare you expect me to help you make her life a living hell!

It makes me very angry when I see her battered and bruised.
I begged her to stay at my house but sadly, she refused.
Your girl is a fine lady who I've known for many years.
It breaks my heart when you make her burst into tears.

You will go to other preachers but I'll tell them all about you.
And when I do that, they'll refuse to perform the ceremony too.
I'll make your girl see the truth if it's the last thing that I do.
I'm a servant of the Lord and I'll always protect her from you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Even though this is a fictional poem, many women need protection from domestic violence.

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Fluffy White Sharks in the Sky!

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I saw fluffy white sharks in the sky today,
they swam in the blue sky chasing bunnies.
I wished I was amongst them

Anywhere but here battered and bruised
even with insects in the cleaves under grass.
I wished I was amongst them

The mood is as black as the bruises
dead silence in the eariee sunshine
the sky a brilliant blue.

how I wish I was a shark in the sky I could
rip your head off with one bite and float away.

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Searching oblivion.

My screams move past you into oblivion...
Unheard.
You pretend to listen only prove otherwise...
Unheard.
Faulted in an unreasonanble fashion...
No excuses.
Derided and denigrated without fair trial...
No excuses.
You ride my pleasures despite my pain...
No remorse.
You do it again and again with out fail...
No remorse.
_.-._-_.-._-_.-._-_.-._-_.-._-_.-._-_.-._-_.-.

I pick my self up alone and fight on weary
pieces of me dissolved.
I cast my eyes up to oblivion
where all my reasons have gone,
searching oblivion
my reason is gone.

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Words

You said it yourself, "Words don't mean a thing. It's actions I need to see."
If I could only show you the way that you showed me…

I'd need to take the I love you's away.
I'd need you to promise forever, without knowing I'd ever stay.
I'd sleep with you every night, and break up with you every day.
I'd tell my family you're crazy for getting upset about things.
I'd yell if you hate my friends that say they fuck me in their dreams.
I'd punch you in the face if you ever accuse me of anything.

Last, but not least, I'll mail you back your ring.
I'll leave you voicemails, with no way to contact me.
The reason- "I changed my mind about sex, it's a sin."
That's what I'll email you in a month, and to let you know I fucked my best friend.
Tara, you don't deserve the details. It doesn't matter, I'm never talking to you again.

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Goodbye dad

Anger is what I have for you my dad
Your anger you put on me I had
Anger is what you tricked me with
It’s all my fault you said, what a myth
Anger haunts my spirit of ghost past
Shadows of black they taunt so vast
Day light, moon night, a howling goon
No more shall you lurk your anger heirloom
______________________________________

I’m all grown up now, John
Your title of dad is now gone
Your wish be granted, no daughter you have
Be happy your riches
Your monies your bitches
Wealthy you are and wealthy you’re not
Wealth defined by beholder of lot
I’ll see you in heaven
Maybe... maybe not...you heathen
________________________________

John Dear John, my dad of past
Goons of new moons have no more mast
On winds that once howled
Have now died without prowl
Memories of words from your chilly winds
No longer scream for I’ve made amends
Amends with you? Oh most surely not
Amends with the past, I’m now on top
If I’m now on top, then where are you?
You're not on your pedestal. Oh boo-hoo-hoo
John, oh Dear John, where shall you be?
You’re in that there throne where I shirley pee!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I am 37 year old female who had decided that my new year’s resolution for 2011 I was to face my demons of past. I decided this since my demons were surfacing and I was having anxiety attacks. It turns out that my demons are so deep routed that I'm well into my second year of working on them, successfully! I kept flashing images of Scooby-Doo’s haunted mansion when I wrote this poem and it seemed so appropriate for my feelings. This poem allowed me to laugh at John (a.k.a. dad) and I now see him as a ghost in my past! I would like to thank my Reiki practioner for being my spiritual counselor and the book "The Healing Codes" for helping me to process my emotions and this website for letting me post. I have never written a poem before and what great therapy this was!

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All When You Were Drinking

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2012

May 31, 2012 7:15pm
I look in the mirror, and I'm trying to find
The girl who was there from 5 years behind
And then it hits me like a ton of bricks
I remember the force I felt from your fist
And I think of who I was and how I didn’t fight back
I just lay on the floor, then it came again- SLAP!
I pretended to sleep, but you told me to wake up
Pulled my hair to help me stand up
I don’t know how it ended, I just remember that it did
Then I sat on our couch, like a scared little kid
you held me close and said "don’t be like that"
I winched at your touch, I was hurt- pretty bad.
Then you asked me to go get you your Winston S2's
I said I'd go in hopes to get away from you
My plan was the hospital, I could ask for an ice pack
It was my chance to get away, so I parked in the back
I walked in bleeding , My face already bruised
The lady asked me to wait there, then asked if I was abused
I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream
I wanted her to hold me and say it was a dream
I should have known -How stupid can I be!?
There were signs leading up to this, why didn’t I see?!
She walked away, asked me to wait right there
Saw her dialing the phone, so I left- I was scared!
The person I am now, looks back and wonders
If that would have happened today- would I have even had to go there?
HELL no! YOUR ass would have been kicked
I've got some guns on me now, they look pretty sick
I never would have stayed another two months
And all your begging and pleading wouldn’t have done much
Remember the night you were waiting on the porch
Threw all my things on the lawn all broken and crushed
I would have thrown them all back at you, broken and all
I would have blocked your number right there, not answered your calls
Remember the time you grabbed my wrists
held me down on the bed and made me punch you in the chest?
Remember when you unplugged the internet and hid the phones
so when I tried to call 911 I was stuck beaten at home?
Remember when they came you showed them your chest
said I attacked you- "She's crazy!" and it was all red
Now this poems getting long but I really must say
I would have whooped your fucking ass if you would have tried that shit on me today.

Fuck you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This one was about an ex boyfriend i had that used to beat me. We werent together very long and I ignored all of the signs. Long story short, before he ever laid a hand on me I was really mad at him for the night before throwing a chair at the TV after drinking and taking my perscription hydrocodine for pneumonia, so i walked away from him. He grabbed my arm to turn me around and my head hit the wall. I fell and blacked out and at first he said "Are you okay!?" Instantly he stood up and told me to "Get up- you're not even bleeding bitch". Still- STILL I moved in with him the next month and a week after my 21st birthday is when he actually physically hurt me. I thought he had broken my face. I even had a chance to report him because he stalked me at work and my boss knew he had been abusing me. I know you're not supposed to air all your dirty laundry out on the internet but I am PROUD of what happened to me. Not in a sense of being a fucked up person, but in a sense that I am SO much tougher than I was back then. I am stronger because God knew I could handle it and he put the right people in my life at the right time to motivate me to leave. If you or someone you know is a victim- please know you never have to be a victim- you can be victorious and fight back. You have every right to live your life without constant fear. The first day this all happened we were supposed to go bible shopping together- so just because he wants to be a good christian- doesnt mean you should stay. That was my excuse for awhile. That and he kept saying he'd quit drinking. (He still drinks to this day from what I know). I hope this brought you some hope. Hope that there are other people that have gone through the same things. I had to put things off in my life because of him. I had to quit the fire department, I failed school, I was lacking in job performance, and I had lost all of my friends. Today I have wonderful friends, a God that loves me, I'm back on a different fire department, I have probably too many jobs, and am going back to school this August.

Life.
Gets.
Better.

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As Queens We Cry Out Loud...(Shequita Phillps & Evolution's of Poetry)

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(Shequita)
I am a woman first who's tears run down her face
tears of shame emptiness inside this cold heart of minds
just a woman who gives all her love to a man
only to feel like she is not worthy of his love
she feels guilt shame in this cycle of love
a woman that gives to much in love
only for her heart to be broken into pieces
shattered like glass torn up inside
this little heart of minds this love is like a fairy tale
I am a woman who gave this man
everything inside me only to find out
things that I didn't want to know that
were true that came to the light of me

(EOP)
I am a woman who`s soul has been through the rapture
The undying abyss we call life
The subject of loves rejections
Impaled through the heart
Broken
Alone
Totally confused
Wondering why I chose to love thee
Only to never receive the same
I am woman born to wear the scars
Burdened by my ancestor
Strong black queens of the night
We are taught to look life in the eye
Smile in his face
And never let him see you cry
But how do I hide this love I feel
When you make my soul ache
From just a mere glimpse of your face
Born and bread to stand by my man
Not a weak little punk
Thinking he will soon become a man

(Shequita)

A Strong black woman a queen of the knight
a woman who is in fear to open up her heart again to a man
a woman who will not let him see her cry
he will not think I am weak cause I love him so much
a woman who had a hard knock life growing up
from a little girl been molested by her stepfather and Uncle
Confused bout which way to go in life
Broken down
Abused
Physically
mentally
verbally
sexually
A woman who wears a shield around her heart for protection
and blocks her heart not letting anyone in to love
do to the fact she has been hurt all her childhood life
Now as a woman she releases all of her pain through her pen

(EOP)

My pen bleeds mountains of confusion
As my personification grows cold
As I have a burial For this hollow well
I call my soul
Tears flowing deep
As I overflow with frustrations
Intimidated by the reflections
I see with in my eyes
Whom am I
Do I know her
I can still hear her screams for help
Begging for someone to save her
Only to hear him laughing
Why is it me
Why do I deserve such love
As my broken soul cries
To find away out
My eyes swell with tears of repulsion
Free me please
I beg of you
To look at me and see
Beyond the broken hour glass
As my soul bleeds

(Shequita)

See beyond this inner child who has been hurt in so much pain
these tears fall down my face as I bleed out
my soul cries for love understanding
caring that unconditional love
pure true real love bliss
I look in the mirror and see my reflection as a woman
and as I look I see dat inner child broken free to pen all the feeling growing up
seeing how her life took a turn
from all the confusion in her life
slowly mending all the broken pieces
growing up

(EOP)

As woman so many of us face this distant struggle
Whether to love him or leave him
Before he kills us with his abusive temper
There is no more confusion
When I look into the mirror
It is your bitterness i see
So listen up Queens
We have been to the point of no return
Broken down by those who claimed to love us
Holding on to Gods unchanging hand
Is truly a blessing
So look into my eyes as I smile from the inside
No more tears to shed for that abused little girl is dead
Her pain has been transformed within me
Through my many years of struggle
Yes i am living outside your bubble
You can no longer hold me down
Try to control me or even kill me
Because everything that existed
Within me for you is now dead
For I heard my mother say
Hold your head up high child
We are the reason God continues to smile
As Queens we cry out loud

(c) 2012 Shequita Phillips & Cassandra Evolutionsofpoetry Covington

"Dear Step-Daddy;"

You saw my fears,
Ignored my tears,
Yet,stared at me with contempt,

You saw my pain,
You caused my pain,
But, somehow you were exempt,

I needed you,
You knew that,
You never even bothered,

I was just a kid,
A helpless boy,
You were supposed to be my father,

You raised your fist,
Bruised my love,
Never made you smile,

They were your sons,
True sons of blood,
I was the bastard child,

You hated me,
You always did,
But wouldnt let me run,

You lost control,
So you had to strike,
Took her life with your gun,

You could have made it right,
But rage blinded you,
When things got tough, you quit,

You killed my mother,
In my clear sight,
Left me holding shit,

Years to come,
I still feel your hold,
With only memories kept,

I will not follow,
Your cowardly path,
Winds of time have washed your steps......Fuck You.....

Author's Notes/Comments: 

To the coward............

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