Abuse

Wearing The Wrong Shoes (day 84)

You tell me this place is welcoming

this place is like a quiet haven in the woods no one knows about

You tell me I’m just wearing the wrong shoes

but how can that be

when every so often I find myself

alone in a closet again,

waiting on some hero to come bang down the door

just so I can have some semblance of freedom?

 

Of course there’s no hero here

there’s only these legs

that keep stumbling and somehow they stay upright and

until now no matter how far I’ve pushed my muscles

they don’t snap

they get stronger with every step

so I leave the closet and slam the door behind me.

 

But once I’m out I keep tripping over nails and two-by-fours

that jut out of the walls

taking up space in your brain I should occupy,

and tearing up these shoes I’ve used to explore your hallway for so long,

pulling blood out of my body

but I swear it’s not your fault

it’s just the treacherous slope you’re making me tread-

I should wear better shoes.

 

I should be more cautious

trying to figure you out

in this volatile maze of a mind

I should step silently

around the nails and debris

to keep you from screaming.

 

But it’s not worth it

I can’t count the nails before I’m upon them,

I’ve been through too much on this floor

to throw away the battle scars

 

So I run down your hallway

in broken shoes

I don’t need to walk on sharp steel like it’s eggshells

I don’t need to find safety

I need to find the fire alarm

and then I need to find the door

and get past the fence and the driveway you keep a parked car in to keep me a mile from home

but trust me, in these broken shoes I can get farther than you and your clenched-tight fists and lonely narrowed eyes can even dream about

That’s okay, I can ruin these shoes

because once I escape

I have all the time in the world

to build myself a new pair of shoes

and go sprinting down the airplane runway

until I finally take flight.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/19/16

Driveway

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Dissolve (day 78)

I try to greet you the way I always do

and like always you give me that scorching waterfall

that cascades down the sandpaper you write your rants on

which dissolves in water like my fingers would in acid

and every word you speak is just another excuse to pull the rest of your opinions out of my mouth.

 

I’m sorry, I did not volunteer to be your puppet or the one who writes everything down for you so you have time to keep thinking up ways to conquer the world

although sometimes I like to call myself that and think you’re worthy

 

I did not volunteer to be the one that stands on the doorstep waiting for you to come home

because even if I wanted to be her

when you inevitably never show up and I walk off the rough welcome mat

there’s a thornbush on my feet reminding me that no matter how long I stand there, no matter how many thorns I pick up in my lifetime

you can still hurt me worse with a single sticky note left on the bedside table that says I’m just not good enough

 

I can get rid of the graphite on that note with just a shred of rubber but I’d rather not

I want to keep it as a reminder that I am not this girl, I have always been this girl

 

Although I’d rather be that pathetic paper target than a block of salt that dissolves in water like a bullet in space

like my fingers would in acid, peeling off the skin my life force has worked so hard to replenish every day you strip it away and I let you like I’m shackled to a table

I dissolve like your words would in my garden

and they would destroy every last speck of green for miles around.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/12/16

Cascades

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Little Fighter

Hey little fighter
Why dont you put away the lighter
Put down the razor blades, roll up youre sleeves
Yes you are still beautiful to me
I know the bruises are starting to fade
but they never really go away
Baby girl please stop throwing up
And understnad why i need you too pee in a cup
Whenever you feel so empty inside
And maybe even feel like you might wanna die
Just know that i love you and im here for you
Yes baby i know, you love me too.

 

Please little fighter put down the knife
I'm sorry i made you wanna end you're life
I understand that you're mad at me
But please dont go into the bright light that you see
The ambulence is on it's way
It's okay little fighter im here to stay

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Thank you for reading.

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Behind and Beyond

Folder: 
2016

Behind each blow,

is passion.

Behind the mean words,

is a hurting heart.

Beyond the blood shot eyes,

is a mind clouded by unhappiness.

Each sleepless night,

has a deeper meaning.

The anger comes,

from a place of love.

The slamming door,

is only because there was care at one point.

 

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I Am Free

I was a stone, skipping frantically over the water’s surface, only to sink to the unending depths, choking; desperate.

I was a leaf, briefly flashing stunning hue, then tumbling from the tree, slowly swirling to meet the hard, cold ground.

I was the setting sun, incredible beauty, bands of soft and radiant color, only to slip into the horizon, greeting the pitch of night.

I was a bird, soaring the open azure skies, only to be brought down with a violent arrow; overwhelming agony.

I was a rose, fragrant, full of life, breaking out of the bud, but petals soon fall, I crumble.

Never inhaling, loving warmth withheld, fear of the dark, the unknown, unbearable pain, shattered.  I felt, despaired, experienced; yet battled.  I was broken, but yet not…I fought, I rallied, finally breaking the chains that bound; unfettered. 

 

I am free! 

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perfect family

You sat and stared.

I was a child, did you even care?

Seeing him cause me pain, Quiet you stayed.

Abandond is how I felt, not sure what to do with the cards I was delt.

You were tired and had enough, so you let me take the brunt.

You say you love me, if that is true your idea of love is severly skewed.

Perfect family we play, but the memories still remain of my treament from day to day, and how you had nothing to say.

 

 

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whats being said (when the abuse starts)

You know you seem petty as your walking away...

I want to fight, so I want you to stay!!!

Saying degrading things, just to hurt you so bad.

Causing you pain when I'm angry, makes me so glad!

Calling you names until you believe them yourself

Allows me to keep you in line... like my toy on a shelf!

Making you hurt, seeing the tears in your eyes

Helps me to convince you, there's truth in my lies!

Your feelings don't matter, only mine do...

I manipulate your mind and your love too!

Even when I hit you... "I'm sorry!" I'll say...

You'll forgive me again... so I'll do it another day!!!

I am a teacher, see how I teach?

I teach not only you, but our kids too I teach!

The thing I love about you more then the rest...

Is you're to stupid to see... leaving me would be best!!!

©Paul ( ChryWizard) Posney 07/02/15 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this after looking at several relationships where one or the other in each situation was abusive.

" STOP THE ABUSE LEAVE IF YOU MUST...the life you save may be your own!!!"

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19 and Naïve

WARNING: This is a heavy piece of writing that deals with the topic of sexual assault through relaying a survivors experience of date rape. If you are offended or sensitive to this subject matter, then please refrain from reading this particular piece. 

 

To everyone else: I wanted this piece of writing to channel the various feelings, thoughts, and overall experience of what it's like to go through such a horrific experience. It's choppy, it's scattered, and it's devoid of warmth. It's as though you're watching these events occur, but you aren't really experiencing them. You're disconnected; dissociated. To the survivors of sexual assault, my heart goes out to you and I know your many pains. For me, writing about my experiences has provided more healing than any shrink or pills ever could. 

I'm always here to talk if anyone ever needs a listening ear, or sounding board. 

You're not alone.

 

-G.B

 

 

19 and naïve

Lonely

Desperate

 

She rides the 5E down the line

It's 11 PM

Past her bedtime

Work in the morning, she'll sleep in

 

One shot,

One night,

One boy who never paid her mind

 

Cold, it's the Dead of winter. She takes off a glove and fixes her hair

 

He's finally noticed her

She's coming at his midnight beckon

 

Houses with closed blinds fly past the window

Ever closer to her destination

 

her heart beats in rhythm to the bumping of tires over potholes

 

A man boards the bus,

waves a glove in her face

Crazy wide eyes and alcohol on his breath,

insanity pours out of a poisoned mouth

 

She sidles past and steps outside,

Cold air punches her lungs and leaves her gasping

 

She's walking

Walking

Walking

 

Towards the house in the middle of the street

 

The house he's waiting for her in

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting for his chance

 

Stopping at the porch, he welcomes her with open arms,

Tall and strong, enveloping her in a disconcerting embrace

 

They enter,

A staircase leads up

 

to a room

 

The room

 

The room with posters

And a laptop

And an inflatable mattress

 

'We're going to watch a movie'

 

It's not a question

 

We are

I am

 

I sit, but he wants to lay

His voice slithers wet and heavy in my ear

 

'You want it, but I'm not giving it to you'

 

My brain starts to ache

Confusion

Throat becomes sandpaper

I've forgotten how to breathe

 

I don't want it

 

Hands now roaming my body without permission 

Shallow compliments fall on me and explode in a queasy stomach

 

I'm going numb

His mouth on mine

This isn't how I imagined it

 

Fighting back against bile rising in my throat

 

When did I become naked

 

He tells me I want it

 

I still don't

 

What happened to the movie

I just wanted a movie

 

He's inside me

Everything hurts

His face is ugly

And I think I hate him

 

He tells me to shut up

 

I can't

 

A hand strikes me

 

Shocking

Stinging

 

'I told you to be quiet'

 

Strong hands now hug my throat

A violent embrace

I want to cough

I can't

 

Squeezing

Gripping

 

Spots dance before my eyes

 

Tears threaten to fall

Please don't betray me

Trying to maintain

 

I can't

 

 

He grabs my face

 

'Are you crying?'

 

There's amusement in his voice

It's a game to him

 

He soothes me

Wipes my tears

Before resuming

 

Mouth to my ear again

Hissing

Growling

 

'I love raping you

 

I love raping you

 

God it's good

 

Dirty whore

 

I know you love it'

 

I'm there for years

I think I flew away  for a few of them

 

Up

Up

Out of the room with the inflatable mattress

Out of my body

 

The body that rejected me

Made this happen

Nightmare

 

It's finally over

A lifetime has passed

I never knew a body could feel like this from the inside

 

I am dirty

Defiled

Hurting

Alone

Angry and

 

Betrayed

 

Now downstairs,  he pulls me on his lap

Another man is there and they casually chat

They're laughing

 

I'm sick

 

And I think he is too

 

Going home now

I'm back

I'm alive

(I think)

 

It's so cold

 

I work tomorrow

 

I'm going to sleep in

 

 

How can abuse be love???

How can abuse be love? 2015

 

when i got married i was so deep in love

i thought it was a gift from heaven above

but he slowly changed a little each day

making life a living hell in every way

my family realized i was in a lot of trouble

if they helped in any way i'd take a tumble

they would see the bruises upon my face

at night the floor my father would pace

my parents marriage was love and honor

i thought how can abuse be love i wonder

this was not the way life should have been

but how could i have known about all i've seen

the beatings he gave me started out small

one kick, one punch it wasnt much at all

as the month's went by it got worse each day

any thing i did wrong he would make me pay

i had a baby and you'd think he'd be happy but

instead he told me to keep my mouth shut

he wanted me to lie about the bruises on my legs

he pouted and pleaded he even did beg

i had another baby it was a gift from God above

but i was still thinking how can abuse be love

at home later on he looked at me and said

there your responsability im going to bed

you wanted them i didnt he said with a scowel

i lifted my child from her bath with a towel

and looked at her and said with a smile

thats right for you i'd walk a hundred miles

as the years went on the beatings got worse

i felt like i was in jail and my life was a curse

i left him three times but i always came back

and after a few weeks he'd give me a good wack

one day i was crying i couldnt take it no more

but knew he wouldnt let me walk out that door

so i knew there was only one other way out

im done i thought theres no need to pout

up to heaven is where i wanted to go

i looked at him and said no more feeling low

i was thinking of my parente in heaven above

and again i was saying how can abuse be love

i grabbed all those pills and swallowed them

and didnt think twice about where i had been

but it didnt work out the way i had planed

i ended up in the hospital with charcoal in hand

i was yelling i dont wanna be here any more

but the doctor said drink up or in a tube i will pour

my husband on my left didnt even worry

got up and said im in a real big hurry

i was passing out really fast and all i could see

was my husbands back walking out in me

when i woke up the next day it was very clear

i was alone he didnt care or shed not one tear

i made a desision i knew what i must do

i must leave him and fast but never look back

and thats just what i did oh how i had the nack

i had a lot of help from heaven above

but now i do know that abuse can not be love

 

 

 

dedicated to ending domestic violence everywhere

abuse can not be love!!!

 

                            Zoeycup16

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this one because its my past and i wanted to find a way to get past it, and nothing i have tried so far would let me, i know its gonna be hard to let go of 24 years of abuse but with the grace of god he will see me thru it, i might not be able to fully let go but all i can do is my best and let god take care of the rest, and to everyone out there abuse is not love believe me i know the difference now, how can it? dont let anyone tell you different, abuse is abuse no matter how small!!!!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                  zoeycup16.

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