Abuse

This Fear

 

 

What do I do now, 

Where do I go now,

Who am I now?

I am trying to recall.

Sometimes I feel so much, I feel

Like I feel almost nothing at all.

 

And these are just thoughts

 

Like heartache and sorrow,

In the shadow of yesterday

and the fear of tomorrow. 

It's like I'm pretending to breathe

And I'm only free in dreams.

 

Who do I trust now?

Do I even trust myself?

Do I have the strength

I am trying to recall

Because sometimes I feel so much

I can barley feel at all. 

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Silent sanctuary

so much I wish I could say but know I shouldn't utter a word.
silence is my sanctuary
haven't you heard? out of the whispers
a bleak void is what separates this voice from that choice to say
what would slice you up into oozing chunks of aching flesh
take your mind & contort the rest.
I am the bruise inside
the purple faded on pale rough skin.

 

when in doubt, i'll cut it out
all the pain within..
you may judge what I speak
but it'll come straight back to you.
your face is like a terrible sin
a memory that freezes me in between motion
crumpling my bones
suddenly everything gets so cold.

 

trust not what is seen
for it lies through gorgeous white teeth
& beautiful eyes, they undress you in vulgar ways
& ears that don't know what you mean.
& it feels as if theres a knife being pushed into your throat..
unable to escape.
only option left
is cry your heart out
in hopes of being saved

How can you love me

You said the best feeling in the world is loving someone you know loves you just as much only the other day,

You put these words on Facebook,

you tagged me so I would take a look,

Let me ask you how can this be?

Best feeling in the world would be not to have your hands tight around me, around my neck to a point I can not breath.

You even looked at me as you did it you said you wanted a knife and to kill me

Tell me this how can you feel love for me? 

The bruises on my body the pain you caused the constant ache inside are nothing compared to the bruises which are now scars on my heart

I suggested we be apart, only after you had said it, you said you don't want to be with me you said I made you do it.

You say a lot, you have hurt me before, this isn't the same love I have for you therefore i love you different a love so pure, I love you way much more

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Another Game of Manipulation

He tells you I'm sorry

Another game of manipulation

But sweetie, I bet you think he loves you.

 

He tells you that it will never happen again,

He'll change

Another game of manipulation

But sweetie, I bet you think he loves you.

 

You smell the alcohol on his breath,

Stand there while he lays his hands on you

But he told you that he changed

Another game of manipulation

But sweetie, I bet you think he loves you.

 

A lie to your friends and family
While he drinks away the money

And you tell yourself you love him

The poison that makes you stay

Another game of manipulation

But sweetie, I bet you think he loves you.

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My sister is in an abusive relationship, with her boyfriend of four years. A man who I never particularly liked to begin with, he's a high school drop out and before she made him get a job he was out of work for two years.

 

 She swears that he's changed, but I think that she's lying for him just like she did before everyone found anything out. I think that things only repeat themselves, and I pray for the day that she breaks his little heart.

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"Hurt Me"

Am I really here?
Please forgive me not,
Will the stain wash away?
Will the hate finally stop?

Will it all go away?
And put me on the throne?
Have you ever even cared?
Have you ever really known?

Has it ever crossed your mind?
Im still in this cage,
Stuck over in the corner,
Carefully put away,

I must have deserved it,
It all must be so true,
Hurt me so I can feel again,
Hurt me just like you.....

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ALL UNDONE.

All undone,
as he does,

 

Ingrid knows,
every time

 

picks on her,
punishes,

 

nothing new,
but she knows

 

afterwards
even when

 

the wounds go
and pain stops,

 

it will come
like seasons

 

once again.
Her mother

 

is too weak
to stop him,

 

too frightened
to say boo

 

or say no,
and as she

 

walks over
the bombsites

 

with her friend
Benedict,

 

listening
to his talk

 

of brave knight
fighting bad

 

with sharp sword
or strong bow,

 

or share his
bag of sweets

 

or soft drinks,
in London’s

 

50’s streets,
being his

 

high lady
in distress,

 

or be there
by her side,

 

9 years old
as she is

 

but seeming
much older,

 

his friendship

and sharing

 

and boyhood
Robin Hood

 

sort of love
and sharing,

 

makes the days
of darkness

 

of wounding
punishments

 

easier
and her mind

much bolder.

 

 

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JUST FOR YOU.

 

That's it now

the whole show

 

of his love

all spent out

 

those bruises

like medals

 

after war

remind you

 

he's been there

his call card

 

the bruising

of both eyes

 

the split lip

his bouquet

 

of flowers

red and blue

 

 

wrapped in fists

just for you.

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You are dying

1. You are not special because you have a sadness that sleeps within your spine.

You do not require attention.

No one has to love you.

2. Vicodin will not ease your pain. 

It will not bring back your unborn children.

They will not make him un-touch you.

They do not make you more alive.

3. Rum is not a cure for not feeling your body in the morning.

It doesn't make him love you.

It doesn't make your mother care.

4. Sad songs do not make you feel better.

Sad songs aren't a fix for your broken heart.

Do not relate to them.

5. Your therapist is right.

Do not ignore her.

Do not take more pills.

6. Do not sleep with him.

He does not love you.

He can't fix you.

Fix yourself.

7. Do not read old blood stained suicide notes.

They are not beautiful.

Do not be proud.

8. You are not beautiful.

You are dying.

Stop saying his name.

Stop painting his name in red.

9.You are dying.

Stop wishing for him.

You are dying. 

He doesn't love you.

10. You are dying.

Stop fighting the paramedics.

Welcome to a place

Welcome to a place where words are unspoken,
Dreams cease to exist, and promises are broken,
Welcome to a place over run by hate,
Safety has died, and only fear reins,
Welcome to a place where screams go unheard,
Love had fled, and has been replaced by hurt,
Welcome to a place where anger rises above all,
No one cares to catch those who fall,
Welcome to a place where no comfort is found,
Those who are broken dare not make a sound,
Welcome to a place where the weak stay hidden,
Having thoughts and feelings are forbidden,
Welcome to a place where pain has become a drug,
Addiction to abuse, addiction to cuts,
Welcome to a place where one looks forward to the end,
Ones only escape is death,
Welcome to a place where a friend is a knife,
Welcome to a place, that is my life.

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