bipolar

Urban Air

 

 

The urban air weighs heavy on my chest

like my hand when I try to press my anxieties back

into my sternum. Outside the blue jays call to each other

in a pitch that leaves my fingers pressing to my temples

as I try to stop the throbbing that pulses with every beat of my heart.

This used to come easy;

my fingers relishing in the tactile press of the keyboard

would lull me like a baby gently rocked in its father’s arms.

My father held me more than my mother —

or at least that’s what I remember.

Bipolar is genetic. Did you know that?

I am different than she is. A different type.

     More subdued.

          Second string.

If you stare through the screen your eyes will focus

on the squares caging you from the vines creeping up the window

     panes,

          but it won’t save you

from the smell of the neighbors smoker

that makes you hunger for the food beyond the fence.

There the songbirds serenade each other

like the waves do to the sand. My ankles

ache for the steady rhythm of the water to soothe my heartbeat,

the salt air to expand my lungs,

the vastness of the Atlantic

to steal away the panic burrowed between my ribs.

 

 

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Snap Back To Reality

Driving home from the clinic.

This guy runs a red light, barley miss him

The cops on his tail

I remember when I almost went to jail

My girl at the time liked to sleep around

And no guys, I didn’t beat her to the ground

That’d be messed up . . . jeez

But the other guy . . . well let’s see

Grabbed his neck, punched his face

Charged with assault, now I’m the disgrace

Told I’m facing battery charges, one year in jail

Are you kidding me? I’m just a kid in high school, how the fuck am I supposed to make bail

Long story short, his parents didn’t press charges

Because their son is a dick, or cuz jail don’t need more garbage

Snap back to reality, I’m in my room

When did I get here? I put on some tunes

Not cartoons . . . well sometimes, yes

Right now I’m listening to Say Anything. Definitely the best

He’s singing about the girl that got away

Why do I still let her turn my skies gray?

Five years later, it never ends

The music ends, my brain starts to bend

Snap back to reality, I’m in my patient’s mouth

When did I get here, I scrape all the plaque out

She tells me her problems. I got my own . . . shit

My co-worker hates me. Why? Cuz I’m a dick

Can’t accept me for me? Where have I heard this?

Flash back to the cops. . . Can’t help but laugh at this

My co-workers say I have bipolar disorder

But I’m hearing way more than two voices before the nights over

5th grade me, 8th grade me, 10th grade me, 12th grade me

I got stuck somewhere. How old am I supposed to be?

Snap back to reality. I’m 24

Lying in bed masturbating. Did I mention now I’m a whore?

I’d rather not talk about this me, finish up and go to bed

But the night is still young I say. And you still need to pee

I can hold it in. Just like the screams

Too bad you can’t hold on to your women… cept in your dreams

So let me sleep, I beg and plead

You’re in the real world. This is where you need to be

Snap back to reality. It’s only 9:30

I’m talking to myself. I ask for someone to murder me

I work in a not so good neighborhood

Off of martin Luther King Avenue

But I haven’t been assaulted yet

There’s always tomorrow. I’ll place my bets

Snap back to reality. Been working here one year

Nothing’s happened, cept I’ve grown more fears

Losing my job, crashing my car

Greatest fear is my end seems so far

Now I’m just insane

Let it fester in my brain

I have so much most people don’t have in their life

Including Satan, and a woman that wants to be my wife

I guess it’s true. I do need medication

 

Or at the very least, a psychiatric evaluation

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Endless Night

Dark in the abyss of a mind not mine
Caged, an animal, no dreams or hopes
left in the cold whites of my eyes
Moons have come and passed me by
Evaded by death and shunned by life
I sit alone in a crowded room
not knowing which of myself to introduce

Lonely is the world of fools
So etherial normality seems
and always just out of my desperate reach
I have shed the tears of a thousand deaths
all funerals within a twisted mind
that seems as punishment was attached
to my neck 

Weary of the constant pain
the pills, the doctors, all my chains
weighing me down without bringing change
The girl in the mirror laughs and cries
she seems to feel the same things as I
but wears a face I no longer recognize
a face not fit to her mind

My heart aches with the burden of all it feels
the fabricated joy, the empty fields, 
the barren wasteland this illness yields
I pray each night for peace of mind
But god dare not be so kind
So I brace myself for the endless night

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Bat Shit Crazy

you filled me up a couple of times.
i feed upon your need of me.
you know the tip of my iceberg,
but what lies below my pink flesh is deep.
i don't know yet if it'll sink us or if you can swim through this!

i see rough waters ahead.
you aren't the only one with crazy in the genes.
my own blood fights sensible choices.
you tell me you're the normal one compared to who you're related to.
in my family i'm the normal one too, but i'm still bat shit crazy!

i fear exposing all of who i am to you.
scenarios play out to a captive audience in my head.
my dreams are filled with doom and gloom.
the economy looks robust compared to my hopes for us.
i count the days we've been together.
i'm amazed i've held it together this long.
you're the calm in the eye of my inner storm.
i hope you're strong!

i want to be swept away by you.
pick me up and carry me away.
be my calgon!
be my hero!
i put too much baggage upon your shoulders.
i fret about you throwing out your back.
right now it's alright, but i know how quickly the tides change.

i don't get you all the time.
i'm a small piece in the puzzle of your life.
my greed pushes me to plead for more of you.
right now you're flattered and amused.
i believe the power i give to you binds you too.
we've bonded to each other's weaknesses.
i'm hoping by the time you see my flip side you're in to deep to flee.

the swing moves even when i'm not in the seat.
my emotions constantly push it.
sometimes it's gentle, back and forth,
almost hypnotic, it sways.
but sudden and violent changes take place.
up in the air i go, higher then i can fly.
back over dead territory and digging up graves,
then i jump for my life
and down to the ground i crash and cave!

be proud you say!
be you you say!
i believe i still love you.
sometimes i will say or do harm to you.
forgive me when you throw me away.
i know what i'm doing but i do it anyways.
bat shit crazy makes me this way!

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Bipolar

Hun i know you care but i cant take no more
You treat me so nice but when i know the real you it hurts
I know you got Girlfriends ,how do you expect me to believe you actually love me
You use how i feel against me i always wish u to leave
but when u do it haunts me
I cant stand to talk to u
but i hate to be with out contact to u
im done with you
when i rlly just wanna hold u
i dont understand whats wrong with mee

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