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It Gets Better

January 27, 2021

Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.

Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed

since I was younger and had more time to write.

I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.

I've hoped for so long that I could find a place

where I can be myself and not have to chase

validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.

I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.

I have love all around me, with my family and friends.

They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.

I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand

that these problems I have are out of my hands.

It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.

If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.

I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,

just to have this cycle repeat itself again.

When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,

there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think

about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.

I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.

The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol

have never helped me feel better at all.

The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever

is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."

It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists

that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.

I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,

but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.

To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,

I don't want you to think that any of you shared

a part in this self-destructive game of my life.

In the end, everything will be all right.

Nothing will change in the world outside my own.

Everyone else will have a place they call home.

My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,

maybe for the others, it actually does get better.

I don't know what to write

or what to say or what to feel.

I want help but I'm too afraid

to show anyone what is real with me.

I can't seem to bring myself to terms

with my thoughts of a different future.

I can't change what I am

but if I could, I don't know that I would.

I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back

I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.

I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you

because you're the worst drug I've ever had.

Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.

Let me have some faith in myself, I might

sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.

Let me feel like I've done something right.

Only the drugs and the alcohol make me

forget where I am, make me forget that I need

them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and

remembering everything and start thinking

about the failure that has given up.

Come on, take my hand.

There’s a stunning carnival

Right in front of us.

It lights up the night

Like a group of fireflies.

Don’t you see that we have

A chance to rule the night?

So what are you waiting for?

There’s lots to do.

So much to see.

Our hearts will guide us.

No point in holding back now.

We only live once.

We can’t waste this time away.

The night is so young,

But baby, so are we at heart.

The park is stunning.

It’s everything that

I dreamed of.

Why did I delay before?

Now that I’m grown up,

There’s no chains to hold me down.

Come on, take my hand.

The rest of our lives await!

Why are you so scared?

Is the rotating wheel barrel blocking our path?

Did the power outage cause your heart to beat so loud?

Intensive moments build up character and bravery.

Your fears are below you now.

The storm may have

Crashed the party,

But that’s not how I see it.

Being so close to danger

Puts what we’ve learned to the test.

So let’s stand our ground.

And not wait until tomorrow.

The park is stunning.

It’s everything that

I dreamed of.

Why did I delay before?

Now that I’m grown up,

There’s no chains to hold me down.

Come on, take my hand.

The rest of our lives await!

You're still lost within the time
The ultimate crime
That you couldn't really hurt
but now you're gone and just inert

You try to find meaning in the days
That it wasn't just a phase
That you could just lay in the sun
and never say you jumped the gun

and you lie wide awake at night
Hard at thought, ready to write
You wrote on a piece of paper "I think this time, I'll be okay"
But you don't really know, your thoughts never stay

That difference in result that I expect,
offered from another's intellect,
had showed me it might pay to be insane,
should my repeated actions gather fame.

The answer to my self destructive ways,

a question gone unanswered countless days,
Crying to the sowers of this seed,
a burden now with which I have been freed,

Freed to be the master of this game,
Freed from the need to complain or pass blame,
Freed from the need to suffer from my pain,
Freed to accept the pavers of this path,
To take the wheel, steer clear of wrath,

Chaos and discomfort I shall own,
as tools for the foundation of my home.

The time has come for me to love myself,

and thank the dealer for the cards I'm dealt.