Control.

Trust.

It was a given, though you should have earned it.

A mistake I keep repeating;

As if I am not learning shit.

 

Every.

Single.

Experience.

Now, deemed worthless.

But you tell me how I feel.

You can tell me if this is real.

Did I make this mess?

 

"Selfish".

Ridiculous, spitting words like this is a spelling test.

"Emotional".

Memento mori, you turned your back on me.

I'm a human fucking being.

Excuse me for grieving, the death of myself.

 

Banging on a cardboard coffin.

Hands bloodied, dont feel the hurt.

Don't think of all the dirt gettin in;

Make it up up to the surface,

don't let them win.

 

I can feel the grass and tug at it rough.

Crawling out, organs a mess.

"Not today, Satan"

I tell myself in a huff.

Tired of going through things.

I've seen enough.

 

Trying to avoid hurt.

Licking my wounds.

Not self consumed.

Begining to breathe now.

It's like I've forgotten how.

Throat full of earth, I throw it up.

Dust off my dress, 

Memories of being alive with cough syrup.

Walking dead at this point,

barely breathing.

 

Simply trying to heal.

The coffin I left behind is real.

With a piece of myself in there.

"There lies a piece of Betty"

No one cares.

"A tenacious woman that always cared"

 

Now I'm up here.

Human being amongst people.

Fucking.

Scared.

Too tenacious to die, too emotional to be alive.

Simply trying to deal;

With things I should have never felt.

 

These are just the cards,

that I have been dealt.

One cannot control that,

But how they handle their hand.

 

I cannot control what life hands me,

but I can take a stand.

 

I refuse to me told how I feel,

My emotions are valid.

I am real.

I've got balls of steel;

They are just misplaced.

I am not something to be forgotten,

Something you can simply replace.

 

You mistreat me, or try to break me down.

I go Casper.

You don't find me anywhere in town.

I'm a woman, I deserve respect.

But, I get treated like a Leper.

A damn reject.

 

This mental illness is at the steering wheel.

I get barked at for this so much, I can no longer feel.

You want to control me?

Take a number.

You can't even handle me.

 

 

 

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Phoenix_Rising's picture

Nobody should ever be

Nobody should ever be controlled.  We're our own person,  each and every single one of us.... It just seems some of us get dealt the worst cards in life simply for trying to be ourselves and trying to be happy. 


*~I may fall, but just like the Phoenix, I will rise from the ashes~*

ralphtheunicorn's picture

I don't suppose they call it

I don't suppose they call it "the pursuit of happiness" in vein.


"I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask 'em where they're going & hook up with 'em later." -Mitch Hedberg